Afraid I Will Lose My Son

[anon1234]

Again, back to my original question...If I lose my son to his father (my ex to be), HOW IS THIS FAIR, if I have been nothing but caring, loving, and supportive to my son; I've worked 3 jobs at a time to make ends meet for us; I've paid thousands for trips for my son and I to see his dad in another state; I've tried as much as I can to be fair, accommodating, and reasonable with my ex; I told him he's MORE than WELCOME to come to ILLINOIS to see his son ANYTIME; I don't hold his son away from him; I don't ask him for child support (which he doesn't provide anyway); I've paid the mortgage on a house in CA that HE lived in while I worked and lived in IL; I'm not a bitter gold-digging ex-wife (there's nothing to fight over -- we were basically poor and our house is currently upside-down); I asked my ex for NOTHING in the divorce except residential custody of our son; I'm not a drug addict, alcoholic, or prostitute. I am completely clean and sober and NEVER done drugs. I work with children, and if I were unstable or had a questionable past or serious issues, I would not have this job. My ex does not care and has not cared for the past 5 years, and now all of a sudden he has a renewed interest in seeing his son. SO Father's Rights now warrants that my ex can just waltz right in and completely take him away from me. How is this fair to me (and, at that, my son, too?) This would mean that my 5 year old son will be forced to live thousands of miles away from me. Under what grounds? Because I stated a fact that we're not able to do things other kids do because there is no daddy here who is willing to pay?

[Dogmatique]

Seriously - you're blowing this way out of proportion.

You asked a question of basically, "Can he get custody".

The simple answer is, "Yes". You know why? Because, as has been pointed out several times, there still remains that minute chance that a judge will go against 99% of the country and rule in his favor.

NOWHERE did anyone even vaguely imply that it was likely - just that it was possible.

[anon1234]

I highly doubt you will lose your son. Since you've been the primary care giver of your son for the past 4 years, that will be taken into consideration. And since you've paid for EVERYTHING to maintain a contact between father and son, that'll benefit you.
What I feel is that you will have primary custody of him, and that the father will see him during holidays and summer (if son is in school) since he lives in CA and you live in IL. You may have to pay the travel expenses because you are the only one working, but he may be required to pay child support based on his potential and that's what you should ask for.
Since you say that there is no abuse, neglect nor endangerment, I believe that you will not be required to pay the investigator because if the allegations are proved to be invalid, that's the father bringing unnecessary charges to the courts and he will have to pay.
If you want to be fair, I would file for full physical with him having every other holiday and summertime and joint legal... but since he's shown no interest in his well being up until now, I'd file for visitation during summer and half of holidays, PLUS YOU have sole legal custody.
I don't think you will have a problem... you're lawyer is either a dipwit or is considering the worst of the worst outcome... which I honestly don't see happening.
As for the house, I would petition to either sell your half to him that way you don't have to pay the mortgage on a house that you don't live in and he does FREE... or buy it from him. Or he may be required to sell it and give you half and he will have to find somewhere else to live.
Don't put up with this crap... do what you feel is best for your child in regards to filling out papers.
Since child has been living in IL for more than 6 months, he and you are legal residents of IL not CA. So you can file the papers in IL, giving him ample notice to come to court there in IL...
Good luck!

Thank you. I have filed in IL and I have agreed to give my ex joint custody, just to be fair and finish this whole mess. Is that the same as legal custody? And regarding the house, it is seriously upside down now (it was purchased in Riverside County, CA in 2006, which as you may know, is right before the bubble burst) and I've been told the best thing I can do is a short sale (since my ex obviously can't afford to pay for it on his own unless he gets to work on finding a job.)

This divorce has been going on for over a year and all we are fighting for at this point is custody. I gave my ex ALL the material possessions...cars, valuables, etc. Since they're all in CA and I'm in IL, it's not even worth it for me to pursue going after him for these things. I just want my son to be happy, and based on his young and impressionable age, the distance, and the distant relationship he has with his father, I have serious concerns about him being alone for long periods of time with my ex.

Thanks for your reply.

[mrshiggins]

There are two types of custody per se: Legal which is the decisions about the child. What school child goes to, what doctors, procedures, churches, day care and things of that sort. Joint would mean that you two will have to come to an agreement. Sole would mean that you choose all those. But you could possibly get a joint with you having the deciding factor, which makes him feel like he's got some power and say in his sons life, but in the end it's up to you.
My DH has joint legal with him deciding day care, health care providers, churches and schools... he mainly decides everything important, but mom gets that 'joint' word to (in my opinion) to make her feel better.
Then there is physical: who the child lives with primarily. If I were you (if you honestly believe the father won't be harmful, abusive nor neglectful) I would give him visitation. This means that you have sole physical custody with him having some time, i.e. during summers and half of holiday breaks. (This is if child is in school).
My DH has joint physical custody, but the mother sees the child every other weekend... only because she lives close enough to have that... your ex obviously can't do that.
As for travel expenses I would either ask to half it or him pay everything, since he is the one after 5 years to try to have a relationship with child, threatening to take child away from you and starting all these procedures. Then I would file for child support on top of that.
THEN... I would seriously talk to an attorney about the martial assests (or properties) and get you off that house that way you can actually look like an adult and live on your own... without paying his way! He's a big boy... he can figure that out on his own.

ETA: Don't say a damn thing when your child is anywhere near!... he's only 5 but that stuff will stick with him forever (kids are smarter than you think) and it'll look HORRIBLE on your part.
I understand being stressed and wanting to vent... but you have to be careful. There was a time when my step son took papers off of the desk and read them... then asked what they meant. He knows too much about our situation, not a good thing! DH has finally stopped telling him things... unfortunately mom hasn't done it. This has caused much stress for my step son and he is now in therapy.
Watch what you say!