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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
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    4

    Unhappy Husband Arrested for Assaulting Me, but I Need Advice

    My question involves criminal law for the state of: Virginia
    Hi..my husband and I got into an argument last month and I called the police because he grabbed me by the neck. I hung up on the dispatch because I could see that my husband was freaked out by his reaction. They called back and of course came to our home. He grabbed me from behind the neck..we were sitting side by side.
    Well, when the police got there I told them I was sorry for bothering them, yadyada, officer informed me of the law change in 96 about domestic abuse and I told him that I was concerned for my safety but that my husband's anger had diffused and we were fine. Well, in the meantime my husband told the other officer what he did..grabbed me by the back of neck, and MY officer said.well, arrest him. There was a moment of silence because I DID NOT want him arrested and my husband's officer did NOT want to arrest him either..he is NOT a violent man AT ALL! He is a good man who lost his temper at me for something I DID. Anyway, long story short, husband arrested, taken to jail, magistrate gave most lenient order..said he never does this, and husband was released on own recognizance and police officer brought hubby home to me.

    When he had arraignment, hubby waived lawyer..against my wishes. He says.."I'm guilty, honey..I did it, why do I need a lawyer, I will take my punishment". So our court date is next month and we have no lawyer and little money. Today I get a subpoena from the Commonwealth of VA to testify against my husband.

    My husband and I have been in therapy for almost 9 months now. Our counselor has agreed to go to court and testify on husband's behalf. He is a good christian man and is not violent. He is trying to forgive me for a past indiscretion he found out about last yr. He has EVERY right to be angry but he is being very brave and we are both FIGHTING for our marriage...but he lost his temper and I panicked and here we are.

    What will happen to my husband if he goes to court without a lawyer? Is there anything I can do or say to help my husband's defense? He has never been arrested for anything like this before. He was convicted of a felony 18 yrs ago and has since had his civil rights restored. He has led a spotless life and has been in the ministry for 7 yrs. He stepped down after his arrest though.

    Any advice?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Central Florida
    Posts
    37

    Default Re: Husband Arrested for Assaulting Me, but I Need Advice

    Quote Quoting scrappermom
    View Post
    I told him that I was concerned for my safety but that my husband's anger had diffused and we were fine.
    He was going to jail whether you said you were fine or not, as many state’s laws, and department regulations, require the removal of the threat from the home in DV situations.

    Quote Quoting scrappermom
    View Post
    he is NOT a violent man AT ALL! He is a good man who lost his temper at me for something I DID.
    Not violent huh? He grabbed you by the neck, scaring you badly enough to call the police.

    Quote Quoting scrappermom
    View Post
    and police officer brought hubby home to me.
    I am having a hard time believing the officer brought him home. If he did then around here he would be reprimanded severely. What would have happened if he had of attacked you again? The officer was just opening himself and his agency to liability by doing that.

    Quote Quoting scrappermom
    View Post
    When he had arraignment, hubby waived lawyer..against my wishes. He says.."I'm guilty, honey..I did it, why do I need a lawyer, I will take my punishment.
    Good, he wants to man up to what he did. Let him do it.

    Quote Quoting scrappermom
    View Post
    He is a good christian man and is not violent.
    Not violent but he grabs you by the neck when he is mad at you? Stop lying to yourself.

    Quote Quoting scrappermom
    View Post
    He is trying to forgive me for a past indiscretion he found out about last yr. He has EVERY right to be angry but he is being very brave and we are both FIGHTING for our marriage
    You sound like every other battered woman out there, many of which eventually end up seriously injured or dead.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    4

    Default Re: Husband Arrested for Assaulting Me, but I Need Advice

    I seriously should NOT have posted on here...lol..I knew I would run into some stereotypical "judgement"! I am NOT a battered wife..far from it. I do appreciate you taking time to respond to my post. BTW, my husband was returned home per the order the magistrate drew up. When he was delivered back home, I was interviewed to make sure I felt safe...and I did. Thanks again for your time...

    also, I can understand that you are probably frustrated about battered wives coming on here to get advice...it is frustrating for me too, that no one will take me seriously...

  4. #4

    Default Re: Husband Arrested for Assaulting Me, but I Need Advice

    My husband and I have been in therapy for almost 9 months now.
    On this web site and others, you'll hear over and over again that abusers don't just stop their behavior without assistance to overcome issues and replace destructive behavior with healthy ones. Therapy is no exception. Friends, family, pastors and even abusers might suggest couples counseling to you. Although they may have the best of intentions, couples counseling is NOT the solution to combat the behaviors of an abuser! Many abusers actually LIKE the idea of couples counseling because it means that THEY don't have to take responsibility for their actions- instead, they get to drag YOU in as part of the problem (and you've already indicated that you've bought into this thinking - that his actions were ok because of something YOU did). Safe, effective and appropriate counseling for batterers must be done WITHOUT the victim present. Batterers must take responsibility for their actions, must understand and admit that THEY have a problem and be dedicated to the self-examination process to make positive long term changes possible. Couples counseling to combat domestic violence SOUNDS like a great idea, but it's false advertising and can prolong and expand abuses that already exist.


    Our counselor has agreed to go to court and testify on husband's behalf.
    Unless the counselor is going to testify that he witnessed some other course of events where you weren't choked, so what? It's that whole "actiong speak louder than words" thing.


    He is a good christian man and is not violent.
    Newsflash: choking IS violent. And Christians can and do commit violent acts (when people say "good Christian man", does that imply there are "bad Christian men", too? Or are you equating being Christian with not having the ability to also chose to commit violent crimes? Because that doesn't fly in the real world.)


    He is trying to forgive me for a past indiscretion he found out about last yr. He has EVERY right to be angry but he is being very brave and we are both FIGHTING for our marriage...but he lost his temper and I panicked and here we are.
    Unless he was defending himself from physical harm about to be influcted by you, there is no justification that makes his choice to react to WHATEVER ELSE you did with violence an acceptable one. None. There are LOTS of approaches, he chose a violent one.

    What will happen to my husband if he goes to court without a lawyer?
    Possibilities range from absolutely nothing, to fines, to probation, to a restraining order keeping him away from you, to jail time, or even prison time - it'll all depend on the exact charge and level of that charge and whether or not any diversion programs are available, if they are offered, if he qualifies for them, and if so, if he completes them as instructed.

    Is there anything I can do or say to help my husband's defense?
    When you're the one who called 911 to report the choking, it doesn't leave much wiggle room for trying to repaint the events of the evening (unless you plan to tempt fate with the possibility of criminal charges of perjury) - but, as in most crimes, as the victim you can ASK the court for leniency in sentencing. Doesn't mean it'll happen, but it could - however, be aware that if it does, it'll likely be dependant on HIM (and ONLY him) completing some sort of anger management or domestic violence counseling, which upon completion, can often convince the court to drop charges or lessen any sentence (like maybe just time served, probation, and fees). Every DA and every court is different.

    What you CAN do to in the meantime is contact both your church and your local domestic violence agency. They will be able to provide referals to counseling for EACH of you (just to reiterate: it's vital that you understand that this ISN'T a marriage issue, you EACH have things that'll need to be worked on - separately) - and once you've identified a program (either religious-based, secular, or both) that fits into a domestic violence intervention program for your husband, he'll want to get into it ASAP. Courts tend to like it when people "get it" that they need to get help for their own issues and start to GET that help BEFORE the court has to order it (it shows clear, mature thinking, acceptance of wrong, and ACTION that demonstrates a willingness to work on the problem).

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Michigan
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    28,906

    Default Re: Husband Arrested for Assaulting Me, but I Need Advice

    Your husband will probably be eligible for a first offense disposition:
    Quote Quoting Virginia Code § 18.2-57.3. Persons charged with first offense of assault and battery against a family or household member may be placed on probation; conditions; education and treatment programs; costs and fees; violations; discharge.
    When a person is charged with first offense of assault and battery against a family or household member, the court may defer the proceedings against such person without a finding of guilt and place him on probation under the terms of this section. Where local community-based probation services are available, the court may order the defendant to complete all treatment, education programs, and services indicated by an assessment or evaluation by the local community-based probation services agency. Upon fulfillment of the terms and conditions specified by the court, the court shall discharge the person and dismiss proceedings against him.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
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    4

    Default Re: Husband Arrested for Assaulting Me, but I Need Advice

    OK, both my husband and I have been in couples counseling BUT also we both see the counselor separately for other issues that affect our marriage. Our counselor, therapist, whatever you want to call her, is a licensed counselor who works with the legal system for a neighboring county. She has an anger management program that the courts approve of. She also has a program with battered women.

    Since the incident she has started to work with my husband on anger management. She is NOT taking this lightly. After the incident, she came straight to our home the very next day..and it was a Sunday. We had crisis counseling for 3 hrs and then I saw her alone the next day for 2 hrs and my husband the next day for 2 hrs.

    I must clear up something...my husband did NOT try to choke me...we were side by side and he reached over and grabbed me by the BACK of my neck. He was trying to get my attention..and boy did he. He grabbed me in anger and out of fear of losing me to another man...we had just run into this other man from my past. I WAS scared because I know how much I hurt him...this indiscretion happened a while ago and he just now found out so it is VERY fresh and hurtful for him. I know I did wrong and I know it is very hard to forgive a betrayal. I can't blame him for his anger..honestly, I would feel like hurting the other person too. BUT, I WON'T tolerate abuse or physical contact in anger..which is WHY I called the police.

    I love my husband and want to stand by him. He knows not to put his hands on me when he is angry EVER, no exceptions. He knows I WILL call the police, I WILL leave him...no exceptions. I do not want to leave our children with a legacy of a battered mother....which is why I won't tolerate it.

    Anyway, thanks for your input.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    29

    Default Re: Husband Arrested for Assaulting Me, but I Need Advice

    I would advise you reconsider getting a lawyer to fight the charge as the consequences of a conviction or plea will go far beyond court punishment. They will be able to give you the best strategy.

    Couples counseling with an experienced doemstic violence counselor is fantastic and many couples have reported tremendous gains made in their relationship from it. If you are intent on staying together, stay away from the Duluth shame and blame model of batterer counseling that ignores relationship dynamics, lowers self-esteem and separates couples.

    A great source for domestic violence issues is the recent 'From Ideology to Inclusion' conference sponsored by the California Alliance for Families and Children. Alot of good information/research coming out and less rhetoric.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    4

    Default Re: Husband Arrested for Assaulting Me, but I Need Advice

    Today was our court case. My husband chose not to get an attorney because he said he felt it was cut and dry...he was guilty of grabbing me by the back of the neck..Anyway, my husband pleaded guilty but even so the judge dismissed the charges after testimony was given by the police and by myself (and husband) We were also cross examined by the prosecting attorney. The judge was glad to see we were in counseling with a reputable counselor and recommended we continue. He could tell my husband was remorseful for his actions. I appreciate the information given by this forum. Thank you and God be with you all.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    4

    Default Re: Husband Arrested for Assaulting Me, but I Need Advice

    Contgratulations on the outcome of your trial. Yes, your husband was wrong, but he admitted it and is taking the steps to change. Just stay smart, and stay safe. In this case, I believe forgiveness is order and you did the right thing. However should there be any repeats of such actions in the future, you'll know to get out. Keep up with the counseling and may you both look back and see this event as a turning point that improved your marriage. Take care!

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