Telling The Truth About Paternity

[what2do?]

I need some help here.

I dated "Linda" 13 years ago. At the time, 1993, Linda was also seriously dating another man, "Charles". Linda and I ended up going our separate ways and I never heard from her again, until a few years later (1995). Linda called me up one day and told me that I had a daughter named "Emma". Linda told me that she ended up marrying Charles, but he does not know that Emma is my daughter. Linda and I stayed in contact and I secretly met Emma for the first time one day for a few hours at a hotel. I was not certain, but Emma had some of my features. Linda then told me that she did not want to tell Charles, in fear that he would go ballistic and divorce her. She also told me that she did not want anything from me. We again, went our separate ways, as I felt as though I had no options. A few years later, Linda divorced Charles, but only after having another baby named "Jimmy".

After Linda and Charles were divorced, Linda contacted me again and we confirmed that I was the biological father of Emma through a DNA test (2000). Linda and I got back together, married in 2003 and had another baby "lara". So now, we have a family (Emma 12, Jimmy 10, Lara 2).

The problem is, Linda will not tell Charles that he is not the biological father of Emma. Also, Linda keeps accepting child support for both Emma and Jimmy. I want to call Charles myself and tell him, but Linda is vehemently against it, and threatens divorce. I need help. What should I do?

[Santababy]

What type of relationship does your daughter have with the man she thinks is her father? Could you adopt her?

[what2do?]

The relationship between Charles and Emma has been non-existent until the last few years. He has been increasing his correspondance with the kids since they have been getting older. Charles calls Emma (and Jimmy) once a month or so and has begun visiting once a year. He sends them gifts on holidays. I suspect that he is completley unaware (that Emma is not his biological child), and I'm sure it will be a total shock to him when he finds out that he has been lied to by Linda for this long.

Emma has been told that Charles is not her "real" dad and seems to be fine with it. However, she is confused and I feel that if this is not resolved soon, it will negatively affect her. For example, she is using Charles' last name in school. She is 12 years old now and is beginning to realize that she is living a lie.

I would adopt Emma in a second, if given the chance to do so.

[aaron]

You have expressed your opinion to Linda, and she disagrees with you. If you go behind her back, you will likely damage your marriage and may well bring unnecessary conflict into Emma's life.

It sounds like it would be a good idea for her to consider asking Charles to waive his parental rights as part of a step-parent adoption petition. But it doesn't sound like she's ready to take that step.