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  1. #1

    Default Domestic Violence Situation in Maryland

    My question involves criminal law for the state of: Maryland.

    My boyfriend and I got into a fight this past weekend at home. We've been together for 4 years this past October, and lived together for about 3 and a half years. There have been one or two small fights in the past, but physically, no more than a couple of open-handed slaps from both of us, and then one of us would leave the house to end the fight. But this time it got really ugly. There was arguing, screaming, yelling, name-calling, slapping, punching, and kicking (from both of us). Towards the end of the fight, he called the cops as I was screaming at the top of my lungs for him to get out. I felt myself losing control, and I knew I might lose it before the cops got there, so I left and went to my mother's house. When I got there, I checked in the mirror, and I had 2 bruises - one small, faint bruise on my right cheek/jawline, where he had socked me, and the second was a red mark that looked like a rash across the front of my right shoulder. My jaw didn't hurt, but it hurt to rotate my shoulder to get my arm into my jacket. (Both marks and the pain were gone within the next day or two.) My mother took pictures of the marks, and called the cops to her house. When the cop came, he told us that my boyfriend had already submitted a report, and he couldn't make a second report for my side of the story. He told me if I wanted to press charges, I could go to the courthouse, and I would be able to explain it there. So my mom and I went to the courthouse and pressed charges. I opted not to get a protective order because I knew he wouldn't bother me at my mom's, and I would have access to our apartment while he was at work, so it was unnecessary.

    The day after the fight, he texted and called me to talk about things. He apologized multiple times, saying he didn't want to lose me, etc. And to a normal person, that would seem like the typical rope-her-back-in scenario. Except that he's always blamed me for our fights and problems in the past, and it's always me begging for forgiveness. This time, for the first time, he actually admitted he was wrong, and I could hear the pain and sincerity in his voice. He wants to go to therapy, and even anger management, so we can work through things and be happy. At first I was skeptical, guarded for fear that he was following the typical abuser patterns, but I see something there that makes me think he's serious about this. And I don't want to turn my back on that. I told him that we need to take things one day at a time. I told him that I wouldn't be moving back in anytime soon, and he will have to take action on his promises, and show me he's taking this seriously before I can begin to trust him again. But ultimately, I want to work through this too.

    So last night, he turned himself in to the police. They sent him to BCDC in Towson, and set bail at $5000. He called me from the detention center to let me know what was going on, and asked me to help him post bail. I had to make a ton of phone calls to get information on what to do, where to pay, what types of payment were accepted, etc, and missed him calling me back while I was calling around. He freaked out, and called his parents instead, so they bailed him out. His father called me and told me they posted bail and let him go, but the Commissioner set a no-contact condition on the bail.

    I am upset about this, because I did not ask for a protective order, so I don't know why they issued a no-contact condition. I guess maybe it's protocol for domestic violence cases, but in our situation, it really messes things up. I don't want him to go to jail. I don't want him to lose his job, or have this follow him the rest of his life. I love and care about him, and I'm scared that I've ruined everything. He must have the patience of a saint, because he's not angry at me for any of this. He told me he knows what he did was wrong, and he probably would have pressed charges too if he were in my shoes. But I just feel so guilty. I want to do anything I can to make this better for him, and hopefully save our relationship in the process.

    He's been charged with second degree assault, and the court date is set around mid-March. I know I can't drop the charges, but is there anything I can do to keep him out of jail? Also, what can we expect in court if we are in contact with each other between now and then? Or is there a way to appeal to someone to have this condition lifted, given the nature of our situation? Should I seek legal advice, or just wait until the Attourney General assigns a lawyer to my case? Should he be looking for a lawyer?

    (And please don't use this forum to lecture me about not going back with an abuser. I've gotten plenty of that from my friends and family. He's never done this to anyone before, and I was just as active in this fight as he was. I just happen to bruise easier, and had my mother convincing me that pressing charges was the right thing to do. I acted on impulse, and I wish I could take it back now. I'm not stupid enough to go back to the way it used to be - I've made it clear that he will have to work damn hard to show me he will never do this again. But even if things don't work out and we do break up completely, I could never forgive myself if he had to go to jail over this. I just want to make things right again.)

  2. #2

    Default Re: Domestic Violence Situation in Maryland

    Quote Quoting AlternaChic2002
    View Post
    My question involves criminal law for the state of: Maryland.

    My boyfriend and I got into a fight this past weekend at home. We've been together for 4 years this past October, and lived together for about 3 and a half years. There have been one or two small fights in the past, but physically, no more than a couple of open-handed slaps from both of us, and then one of us would leave the house to end the fight.
    So, really, BOTH of you could have gone to jail more than once, prior to this incident. An open handed slap is more than enough to arrest one or both parties for.


    But this time it got really ugly. There was arguing, screaming, yelling, name-calling, slapping, punching, and kicking (from both of us). Towards the end of the fight, he called the cops as I was screaming at the top of my lungs for him to get out. I felt myself losing control, and I knew I might lose it before the cops got there, so I left and went to my mother's house. When I got there, I checked in the mirror, and I had 2 bruises - one small, faint bruise on my right cheek/jawline, where he had socked me, and the second was a red mark that looked like a rash across the front of my right shoulder. My jaw didn't hurt, but it hurt to rotate my shoulder to get my arm into my jacket. (Both marks and the pain were gone within the next day or two.) My mother took pictures of the marks, and called the cops to her house. When the cop came, he told us that my boyfriend had already submitted a report, and he couldn't make a second report for my side of the story. He told me if I wanted to press charges, I could go to the courthouse, and I would be able to explain it there. So my mom and I went to the courthouse and pressed charges.
    I'm sorry you changed your mind, but once you've made statements to the police about a crime, they are obligated to pursue the matter, as is the prosecution. When a crime is committed, it is committed against EVERYONE in society, not just against you the "victim"....ergo, the state is the one who prosecutes to protect EVERYONE, even those who don't want to be protected.

    I opted not to get a protective order because I knew he wouldn't bother me at my mom's, and I would have access to our apartment while he was at work, so it was unnecessary. The day after the fight, he texted and called me to talk about things. He apologized multiple times, saying he didn't want to lose me, etc. And to a normal person, that would seem like the typical rope-her-back-in scenario. Except that he's always blamed me for our fights and problems in the past, and it's always me begging for forgiveness. This time, for the first time, he actually admitted he was wrong, and I could hear the pain and sincerity in his voice. He wants to go to therapy, and even anger management, so we can work through things and be happy. At first I was skeptical, guarded for fear that he was following the typical abuser patterns, but I see something there that makes me think he's serious about this. And I don't want to turn my back on that. I told him that we need to take things one day at a time. I told him that I wouldn't be moving back in anytime soon, and he will have to take action on his promises, and show me he's taking this seriously before I can begin to trust him again. But ultimately, I want to work through this too.
    You both need to be in therapy... separately first to work on your own issues (anger management, coping skills, conflict management and resolution, etc.) and then together as a couple if there's a snowball's chance for this to work out. You both have aspects of victim and abuser, it just turned out that he's the one who "got caught" this time. Use whatever time he gets from this case to work on YOU, because both of you are bringing poison to the relationship. Once he's back in the picture, you can re-evaluate from a healthier perspective what he's willing or able to bring.

    So last night, he turned himself in to the police. They sent him to BCDC in Towson, and set bail at $5000. He called me from the detention center to let me know what was going on, and asked me to help him post bail. I had to make a ton of phone calls to get information on what to do, where to pay, what types of payment were accepted, etc, and missed him calling me back while I was calling around. He freaked out, and called his parents instead, so they bailed him out. His father called me and told me they posted bail and let him go, but the Commissioner set a no-contact condition on the bail.

    I am upset about this, because I did not ask for a protective order, so I don't know why they issued a no-contact condition. I guess maybe it's protocol for domestic violence cases, but in our situation, it really messes things up.
    It's a bummer, but pretty much a given when you've got one person in a relationship who injures another. They're an automatic in most courts once there's a criminal DV case underway.

    I don't want him to go to jail. I don't want him to lose his job, or have this follow him the rest of his life.
    As strange as it may sound to tell a "victim" who pressed charges, none of this is about what you want. He did the deed and started the ball rolling and it'll keep rolling until it comes to one of several possible conclusions (not all of which end up with him behind bars, so jail time isn't a foregone conclusion, he might get out with probation, time served, fines, community service, etc....but SOME jail time is realistic).

    I love and care about him, and I'm scared that I've ruined everything. He must have the patience of a saint, because he's not angry at me for any of this. He told me he knows what he did was wrong, and he probably would have pressed charges too if he were in my shoes. But I just feel so guilty. I want to do anything I can to make this better for him, and hopefully save our relationship in the process.
    The hardest part for folks in your situation to absorb is that the only person you have any real influence over is yourself. Your choices are yours, and his choices are his. If you really want to help him, work on making YOU the best and healthiest you that you can be. Work on being a you who doesn't think that open handed slapping is either normal or acceptable. Work on being a you who neither dishes out NOR tolerates that behavior. Otherwise the two of you together are just like two kids with a bad cold - you'll just keep passing it back and forth. Work on being a you that won't be the one going to jail "next time". And realize that no matter HOW hard you work, you are and can only ever be one HALF of your relationship. The rest is up to him, no matter how hard you try or how much you want it to work. Try leading by positive example, and not by just being as dysfunctional.

    He's been charged with second degree assault, and the court date is set around mid-March. I know I can't drop the charges, but is there anything I can do to keep him out of jail?
    Not really. Again, not up to you.

    Also, what can we expect in court if we are in contact with each other between now and then?
    He can expect additional criminal charges, and additional jail time. If there's some part of NO CONTACT that either of you has trouble with - get someone to explain it to you up front - because even if he's found not guilty on the DV, that court order being violated can send him to jail anyway if he violates it (AND the court can choose to extend it when he gets out too). The court isn't just going to roll up a newspaper and smack him in the nose with it, when the court says "no", that's exactly what it means. The order needs to be obeyed until it is lifted.

    Or is there a way to appeal to someone to have this condition lifted, given the nature of our situation?
    The nature of the situation is that you were battered and received injuries. That's the only "situation" that the DA cares about (all the other side stuff like jobs and money and relationships isn't their problem). You can certainly ask the DA to ask the court to lift the order, but your odds are less than 1,000 to 1 that it'll happen.

    Should I seek legal advice, or just wait until the Attourney General assigns a lawyer to my case? Should he be looking for a lawyer?
    There's no legal advice for YOU to seek. The state handles the case on behalf of the victim. You also can't pass any info on to him without putting him at risk of violating the order. He can either look for an attorney or wait and see if he qualifies for a public defender.

    (And please don't use this forum to lecture me about not going back with an abuser. I've gotten plenty of that from my friends and family. He's never done this to anyone before, and I was just as active in this fight as he was. I just happen to bruise easier, and had my mother convincing me that pressing charges was the right thing to do. I acted on impulse, and I wish I could take it back now. I'm not stupid enough to go back to the way it used to be - I've made it clear that he will have to work damn hard to show me he will never do this again. But even if things don't work out and we do break up completely, I could never forgive myself if he had to go to jail over this. I just want to make things right again.)
    When you've got two adults who think it's normal or ok to be slapping someone you profess to love, things were never "right" to begin with.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Domestic Violence Situation in Maryland

    Quote Quoting aardvarc
    View Post
    So, really, BOTH of you could have gone to jail more than once, prior to this incident. An open handed slap is more than enough to arrest one or both parties for.
    Could have, yes. But didn't, because it never escalated enough for us to feel the need to call the police. Most people don't overreact that easily. We've both gotten the point that hitting is not okay, but honestly, most couples go through this at some point. It just happened to escalate with us this time.


    Quote Quoting aardvarc
    View Post
    I'm sorry you changed your mind, but once you've made statements to the police about a crime, they are obligated to pursue the matter, as is the prosecution. When a crime is committed, it is committed against EVERYONE in society, not just against you the "victim"....ergo, the state is the one who prosecutes to protect EVERYONE, even those who don't want to be protected.
    He's not a danger to society. He's never done this to anyone before, and it was mostly my pushing him past his limit that caused it. In hindsight, I can admit that.



    Quote Quoting aardvarc
    View Post
    You both need to be in therapy... separately first to work on your own issues (anger management, coping skills, conflict management and resolution, etc.) and then together as a couple if there's a snowball's chance for this to work out. You both have aspects of victim and abuser, it just turned out that he's the one who "got caught" this time. Use whatever time he gets from this case to work on YOU, because both of you are bringing poison to the relationship. Once he's back in the picture, you can re-evaluate from a healthier perspective what he's willing or able to bring.
    And in talking this out after everything that's gone on, we've realized we BOTH need help. And we will both be pursuing that help, to make ourselves better people, and hopefully prove to the court that we know we need to work on things, and are taking it seriously.



    Quote Quoting aardvarc
    View Post
    It's a bummer, but pretty much a given when you've got one person in a relationship who injures another. They're an automatic in most courts once there's a criminal DV case underway.
    I checked the paperwork from his release, and found out that the wording on the 'no-contact' condition is a bit different. It actually says "No UNLAWFUL contact", which was explained to him that he is not allowed to threaten, hit, destroy property, etc. while out on bail. (His parents informed me incorrectly, but that's been clarified now.)



    Quote Quoting aardvarc
    View Post
    As strange as it may sound to tell a "victim" who pressed charges, none of this is about what you want. He did the deed and started the ball rolling and it'll keep rolling until it comes to one of several possible conclusions (not all of which end up with him behind bars, so jail time isn't a foregone conclusion, he might get out with probation, time served, fines, community service, etc....but SOME jail time is realistic).
    I'm well aware that a lot of this is out of my control. My reason for posting here was to find out if there's anything I can say in court that might give the judge reason to be lenient on him. We fully intend to register in therapy and anger management sometime this week, but aside from that, I don't know if there's anything else I will be allowed to explain to help the situation.



    Quote Quoting aardvarc
    View Post
    The hardest part for folks in your situation to absorb is that the only person you have any real influence over is yourself. Your choices are yours, and his choices are his. If you really want to help him, work on making YOU the best and healthiest you that you can be. Work on being a you who doesn't think that open handed slapping is either normal or acceptable. Work on being a you who neither dishes out NOR tolerates that behavior. Otherwise the two of you together are just like two kids with a bad cold - you'll just keep passing it back and forth. Work on being a you that won't be the one going to jail "next time". And realize that no matter HOW hard you work, you are and can only ever be one HALF of your relationship. The rest is up to him, no matter how hard you try or how much you want it to work. Try leading by positive example, and not by just being as dysfunctional.
    As stated before, this experience has opened both of our eyes to realize that physical aggression is not okay, and we are individually pursuing help to overcome that obstacle.



    Quote Quoting aardvarc
    View Post
    When you've got two adults who think it's normal or ok to be slapping someone you profess to love, things were never "right" to begin with.
    It's been established there are issues here, but it's unnecessary for you to assume that our relationship 'was never right to begin with'. We love each other deeply, and are determined to get through this and be together afterwards. No one is perfect, and relationships don't always come easy. They take hard work, dedication, and the willingness to push through. There's ALWAYS room for improvement, and we intend to prove people like you wrong.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Domestic Violence Situation in Maryland

    I just don't have the strength to pick that apart.

    As for the rest... you keep saying that since you both did it that somehow makes it right.

    Most people don't beat the crap out of the person they love. Both of you need help.

    Individually. Together, it is just a matter of time before one of you "loves" the other to death... accidentally.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Domestic Violence Situation in Maryland

    Quote Quoting cyjeff
    View Post
    I just don't have the strength to pick that apart.

    As for the rest... you keep saying that since you both did it that somehow makes it right.

    Most people don't beat the crap out of the person they love. Both of you need help.

    Individually. Together, it is just a matter of time before one of you "loves" the other to death... accidentally.
    I'm not saying it's right. I'm explaining that I'm NOT the typical battered woman who can't defend herself, but keeps going back. We are BOTH agressors, and BOTH victims. And it's going to be damn hard to make the court see it that way. As reiterated multiple times in my last reply, we each know we need to work on our problems. I didn't come to this forum for relationship advice. I'm asking what, if anything, I can do or say in court to make his chances of staying out of jail better. If you can't answer that question, please don't bother picking me apart. I've got enough on my plate right now, thank you.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Domestic Violence Situation in Maryland

    The very simple answer is: nothing. You chose to file the police report and gave your statements and told your version of the story that got him arrested. Changing the story after the fact only has the effect of completely destroying your credibility. Unless you are willing to walk into the prosecutor's office and say that you injured yourself and fabricated the whole thing to get him in trouble and you'd like to be the one in court facing criminal charges instead, the only thing YOU can do for him at this point is hire the best criminal defense attorney you can find. (Even doing so is still only about a 40% chance that the prosecutor's office would even entertain charging you instead - the nature of these cases is that once one party is arrested for the crime, the other half is willing to do or say anything to get them off.)

  7. #7

    Default Re: Domestic Violence Situation in Maryland

    Another question that occurred to me just now:

    He submitted a report of what happened to the police when they came to our apartment after I left. I went to my mother's and then to the courthouse to press the charges about an hour or so later. Even though he opted not to press charges against me, will his version of what happened that's on the police report be considered in court? I know there are differences in his report vs. mine, mainly because I was extremely upset and everything was a blur. There's usually a 'he-said, she-said' battle when it comes to arguments, and as a general rule, I feel the truth usually lies in between the two stories. Will the judge compare stories to find the truth, or will it be solely based on my report?

  8. #8

    Default Re: Domestic Violence Situation in Maryland

    The judge only presides over the mechanics of the case, any evaluating of testimoney will be done by the jury. The statements of both sides would usually be presented, both his and yours, as well as statements from the responding officers who will testify about what both sides told them at the time they made their reports, his description given during the 911 call he made, and testimony from anyone else to whom either of you gave a version of events.

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