25 August 5008

Barren Wastes, Earth- Earth, a dusty rock on the outskirts of the galaxy, has been found to once been teeming with life. Early excavations show that Earth may also have housed a self-aware lifeform, long since extinguished.

"I wouldn't have believed it even if Zarnak himself told me," says Head Earth Mining Engineer Jothas Xjdtgh. "And to think, a thousand years ago, weird, two-legged beings with only one head wandered this rocky outcrop we now call 'Las Ongeles Major'."

The geologic survey now underway shows that, as recent as one thousand Earth years ago, the planet had an ocean that stretched its entire length, and an atmosphere capable of sustaining life.

"This is a very important discovery," announced Head Scientist Nural Xthgjd, "for it shows that we are not alone in the universe. Praise Zarnak, who, in his infinite wisdom, chose natural selection as the best way to create the universe in His-slash-Her image!" Xthgjd spoke Wednezay at the Science Core on Thalus to a crowd of two million (not including spores).

The most astounding discovery on Earth was the excavation at Las Ongeles Major. Broken structures, hundreds of feet tall, lay buried in sand nearly as high.

Archeologist Cirus Xgjdht reconstructed the average day for a self-aware lifeform on Earth thousands of years ago from ancient writings found within the dig sites: "The average human, having a brain only a quarter of the size of ours, would have lived each day in confusion. These squishy beings, weak in moral character, apparently divided up their population into 'the rich' and 'the poor': some living in luxury while others starved. The wealthiest nation on this planet, however, was not even organized enough to solve the apparent hunger and weather crises that lead to their downfall."

According to recent findings, events that occurred thousands of years ago coupled with global climate change, doomed the young self-aware species before it even knew what was happening. Other animals of note on Earth include the "acacea bush" and the "dust moth", both of which could fly and produce flowering buds on a seasonal basis. Another major discovery suggests that UnNews, the galactic news channel we all know and love, may have originated on this barren wasteland, but this is heavily disputed.

The dig sites on Earth are now being converted into mines, and the dig site bones into resources needed to power our fleet. Praise Zarnak and fossil fuel powered space travel!