Caught Shoplifting And Suffering Depression

[Trudloveth]

Hello,
Please here me out because as a person suffering from depression and treated as such and as of 5 years ago I shoplited 3X, the last one that this very mean cop wrote up charges that even my lawyer questioned. Because of my state of my mind, because I'm alone (no family or friends here) except my very much loved 2 cats, my suicide ideation has increased from what it was originally.

Please let me tell you about when this all started. I'm currently 57 years old (hard to believe). 5 years ago I started getting these strong urges to take things, about the time my mom passed away. I sought out therapy and it must have helped a little because it didn't become an every day thing despite continued urges. The first think I took was a T-shirt. When people ask you, why did you steal, most people say, I don't know why I did it. While this is true, I can also say that this yoga teacher was very intent upon selling me an overprices $70 T-shirt, and kept on putting T-shirt under the door when I said, they're not fitting when I wanted to get out of there. Right before I left, I took 1 of the T-shirts thinking that she would not miss one of about 10 and left the establishment. I then went to another store where they seemed to follow my every move, and then went to get a cup of coffee where I noticed a person from the 2nd store write something down. She had written down my drivers license and when I got home, a police officer said he had proof I stole a T-shirt. This led me to call lawyer referral and I paid to talk to him for quite awhile. I liked him a lot, but turned out I didn't need him. A public defender just told me to go through the diversion program, which I did responsibly.

Years went by and I went to Palo Alto (45 min from SF). This is where my Drs. are. These urges were coming back full force and I thought I ought to tell my PCP and psychologist about them. I was early, so I browsed around Town Square, and took a blanket, the identical blanket that I had bought from this woman a month before. I have no answers as to why I did that. We spoke frequently, and I liked her, etc. I decided to come back, however, & return it to her, but she thought she caught me and grabbed the blanket like she got me. I apologed so many times, that there was something the matter with me and she kept repeating angrily, I could press charges on you over & over again so much so that i suppose I raised my voice a bit and said I realize that, but I apologized and I'm giving it back to you. When I got home, she decided to press charges and I spoke to a very nice police officer who took my facts of the case and said what would happen is that he would present it to the DA, and I'd be hearing from them to get a court case either verbally or written, probably written. I went to my Drs. appointmentand told them what just happened and was extremely upset and had my usual panic attack and non-stop dwelling. I was afraid to go to the mailbox every day. Aftere 7 months, I heard nothing, called to check and they could not bring my name up so I figured the case was dropped by her or the DA. This was 2 years ago.

This last time is what brings me here. I'd been depressed anyway and in an outpatient psychiatric hospital but had to take a break because of a physical problem. I went to a small outdoor mall, 1 month ago with the intent to 1) finish buying screen mesh from home depot for a cat enclosure I've been building AND there's a hobby shop next door that has everything and I do stained glass and needed some miscellaneous items from there. So, in the trunk of my car I have several boxes or bags that contain different items so I wouldn't forget them. I got the screen material, the stained glass material, and grabbed my ATM card and $20 and decided to just stop by Nordstrom's Rack to get some socks and browse. This is my mistake. When I went to the ladies room, I got curious and wondered what those security devices were made of. I had a "stained glass scissor" (specialized) and surprisingly, really, it cut right through it. It made me paranoid. I did not need and this started a spree that was different than the prior 2. I didn't need the bag (a little bag for the experiment), but I had it and kept it. I also did no use any of whatever tools I had in the bag, but did take 3 other items which amounted to under $100 and damaged because I ripped the security things off. And I had a very bad feeling and wish I had gone with that feeling. Instead, when I got near the door,, I got handcuffed for the first time, it hurt, and there was a kind officer and a very mean one. The mean one would say things like, Why you naughty girl, said I'd get jail time for this and seemed to get a kick out of it, and when I was in the room sobbing said he didn't buy my waterworks. I can't turn them on & off. Maybe some can. They also let me walk back to my car near the shops when it was dark, I didn't know the area, and that mile seemed endless. When I got back to my car, as I mentioned in the beginning I periodically put my purse with everything in it in the trunk for safety and take another bag with cash and ATM and depending upon what I need it's safer as i've been mugged a few times in that parking lot. I get to my car and all my windows were open, and my purse on the passenger seat with my wallet on top of my wide open purse. It was an invitation to steal my purse.

I'm sorry for making this so long. I guess it's because I have noone really to talk to and I'm going crazy, and my thoughts are bad. I keep on thinking of human euthanasia. I've already been punished and lost my dignity, respect. I really want to end my life especially when my lawyer (the one I spoke to 5 years ago) read me the charges and they were worse than I thought. Like, it said, I broke and entered, which implies breaking into somewhere when the doors were open and it was a public place. It stressed the tools and said that I came in the store with the intent to use these tools to vandalize the store. Yes, my curiosity was satisfied, but this was not the case. They kept it as evidence. They were all stained glass tools and I can show that. And they never did give me back my ATM card or cash. I admit that it looks damning as if I was a professional thief or something, but this is not the case and I keep hearing that officers voice, that I'm going to go to jail and to be honest, I'd rather die than do that. I've been hospitalized a few times for depression and that felt like jail and that was awful enough.

I'm scared. I take responsibility for wrongdoing but it's not as if I'm a chronic shoplifter and it's a symptom of something and if you read about shoplifting the #1 reason is depression. I bought the book final exit as a way out. I already think badly of myself, as worse as it gets, and don't see a future for me in this lifetime anymore.

And my lawyer is nice, but there is not enough communication between us. He has capped my fees (still a lot) because I am on disability and knows I can't really afford him and it's hard not to FAX him, call him, look for reassurance or something. He didn't sound too happy with the charges, but these lawyers say not guilty and then try and reduce the penalties. I wish to god that I can tell the judge or whoever the truth as to what has happened these 3 times over a period of 5 year.

I don't want to die. I'm scared of dying, but I'm scared of going to jail. The only thing I have are my beautiful cats. Someone help me.
Edit/Delete Message

[cyjeff]

Do you have a legal question?

[Mouser]

Please calm down and look at this rationally. Many times the DA will intentionally up the charges because they know that only one or two of the charges will stick. Most likely they will not be able to convict you of breaking and entering, simply because you did not break in anywhere. Unfortunately, the fact that you brought the stained glass tools with you into the store shows intent to commit a crime; therefore you may be facing commercial burglary and felony charges. in order to convict you of this, they need to demonstrate that you formed the inten to steal before going into the store. your lawyer may get this reduced to misdemeanor shoplifting. as far as jail goes, it is possible but not as likely as you may think. your lawyer will do all he can to keep you out of jail and reduce your charges. Take heart and do not do anything rash. you will have to go through something very unpleasant but then it will be over--this is not murder #1.

[525601minutes]

cut and pasted from http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.

I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.

I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.

Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let’s hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.


Start by considering this statement:

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.


Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

Now I want to tell you five things to think about.


1
You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.

2
Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.

3
People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

4
Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:

Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
Call a psychotherapist
Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen
But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.

5
Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really glad.

Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.


Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won’t be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It’s time to start looking around for one of them.

Now: I’d like you to call someone.

[Trudloveseth]

Please calm down and look at this rationally. Many times the DA will intentionally up the charges because they know that only one or two of the charges will stick. Most likely they will not be able to convict you of breaking and entering, simply because you did not break in anywhere. Unfortunately, the fact that you brought the stained glass tools with you into the store shows intent to commit a crime; therefore you may be facing commercial burglary and felony charges. in order to convict you of this, they need to demonstrate that you formed the inten to steal before going into the store. your lawyer may get this reduced to misdemeanor shoplifting. as far as jail goes, it is possible but not as likely as you may think. your lawyer will do all he can to keep you out of jail and reduce your charges. Take heart and do not do anything rash. you will have to go through something very unpleasant but then it will be over--this is not murder #1.

Mouser,
Thank you. My lawyer read the charges over the telephone and we both were confused about the "breaking and entering" because I didn't break into a store, I walked in. Also, what I may not have mentioned is that the reason I was carrying around my stained glass bag with me is because, I went to 3 stores in 1/4 mile vicinity of each other. Home Depot for the cat enclosure which I had to do some measuring, a hobby store called Joanna's because after a long break not doing stained glass due to depression, I started up again and needed a whole bunch of additional materials to start a tiffany lamp which I put in the same bag (I tend to be very organized like that). I left my regular purse with my wallet and lots of cash in the trunk of my car the whole time, just transferring a $20 bill and my ATM card for what I needed.

I should have stopped there, but Nordstroms Rack was right there and I needed socks. Truthfully, I was going to take the socks but I triggered that urge and greediness and put a few more item in my bag. Cutting the sensor that was in the bag was just a curiosity while I was in the ladies room and I scared myself that it worked. But there was no intent to do that - I put the wallet back as I didn't want it. The other items, I did tear off 2 security tags, therefore the items were damaged. I know it looks bad, but going into Nordstroms and doing that was not premeditated.

I found a therapist where I live now who specialized in Shoplifting not just because of this case because I want to make good and sure I never do this again and my urges scare me because it's like I'm battling with myself. I could not believe people shoplifting until I was 50 years old!!! whenI did it myself for the first time, and 2 times afterward for a total of about $300.00. And yes, a few times, I ran out of money and took dental floss simply because I didn't think it was so horrible. I've learned my lesson. I have enough fear to last me a lifetime. And I don't know what my lawyer is going to do to defend me if he put in a not guilty plea. I guess he knows what he's doing, but he mostly defends murders.

I was also charged with burglary instead of petty theft because of the stained glass tools, yet it was still labeled as a misdemeanor. I'm confused with these charges.

Sorry for rambling, but yes I have tons of legal questions.

[Mouser]

you are lucky your burglary is being charged as a misdemeanor; it could easily have been a felony. as far as the breaking and entering goes, I would wager they don't have a chance in hell with that charge. jail time for misdemeanor commercial burglary is very unlikely. however, if you ever get caught again, jail time will be almost certain.