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  1. #1

    Angry Where Is The Fairness?

    My question involves child support in the State of: Michigan
    Hi, quick rundown on my situation. My husband and I have 2 children. Before I got pregnant with my ds in 2006 my husband had a very stupid one night stand which resulted in a pregnancy. When the other woman told my husband she was pregnant he did not believe that the child was his. He told the other woman this and she told him she was sure it was. He asked her to consider having an abortion or giving the baby up for adoption if it really was his because he was not interested in having a baby with her, that this was the result of a very hurtful mistake. She said she was keeping the baby and he didn't have to be a part of it. She had the baby and then came after my husband for paternity testing and, once it was proven that the child was his, child support. My husband is not involved in the childs life but has been paying the support since it was ordered as well as health insurance.
    My issues are ( well, there are MANY but I'll stick to the FOC):
    *My two children-from our MARRIAGE- recieve LESS money in the formula than the child of the ONS. I am a stay at home mom so they can't be considering any of my income-which is obviously $0- to determine the support. How is it that this child from a one night stand, where no relationship between the 2 parents was involved is entitled to more per month than my two children of marriage COMBINED??? And if I were to divorce him, my support order would be LOWER than the other womans because its on a first come first served basis.
    *Our income tax returns were just garnished because my husband is being held responsible for the other womans medical bills incurred during the pregnancy and delivery. She was on Medicaid because she had no insurance when she became pregnant. In the state of MI, if not married and the mother goes on medicaid the father is held responsible for 50% of the medical bills. Where does this woman's responsibilty come in. She chose to have the baby, to keep the baby, knowing that my husband was not going to be involved. She knew she had no health insurance. Why is she not held responsible for some of the cost if he is? I had my ds in Aug 2007 and am still working on paying off almost $2000 in medical bills from my delivery and I had health insurance!
    *The very worst part is if I were to have gone out and had the one night stand and ended up pregnant by a man other than my husband I could not go after the bio dad for support because I am married and my husband would have been presumed to be the father. Why the double standard? Why can this woman come after my husband, when she KNEW he was married, that he had a child, and that he did not want to have a child with her?
    I feel like the system is broken and allows for the enterprising woman to pick a guy, get pregnant and go after said man for support with no concern for the situation. I understand that a child is involved and in this case, it is very sad, but this other woman CHOSE to bring her child into the world knowing it would be fatherless. My husband is the sperm donor here, not a father, and I feel like my family is getting shafted because this woman wanted to reap the benefits of having a baby.
    Do I have any options? Or am I just stuck with dealing with the injustice of the system?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,773

    Default Re: Where Is The Fairness???

    Quote Quoting nonobligatedwife
    View Post
    My question involves child support in the State of: Michigan
    Hi, quick rundown on my situation. My husband and I have 2 children. Before I got pregnant with my ds in 2006 my husband had a very stupid one night stand which resulted in a pregnancy. When the other woman told my husband she was pregnant he did not believe that the child was his. He told the other woman this and she told him she was sure it was. He asked her to consider having an abortion or giving the baby up for adoption if it really was his because he was not interested in having a baby with her, that this was the result of a very hurtful mistake. She said she was keeping the baby and he didn't have to be a part of it. She had the baby and then came after my husband for paternity testing and, once it was proven that the child was his, child support. My husband is not involved in the childs life but has been paying the support since it was ordered as well as health insurance.
    My issues are ( well, there are MANY but I'll stick to the FOC):
    *My two children-from our MARRIAGE- recieve LESS money in the formula than the child of the ONS. I am a stay at home mom so they can't be considering any of my income-which is obviously $0- to determine the support. How is it that this child from a one night stand, where no relationship between the 2 parents was involved is entitled to more per month than my two children of marriage COMBINED??? And if I were to divorce him, my support order would be LOWER than the other womans because its on a first come first served basis.
    *Our income tax returns were just garnished because my husband is being held responsible for the other womans medical bills incurred during the pregnancy and delivery. She was on Medicaid because she had no insurance when she became pregnant. In the state of MI, if not married and the mother goes on medicaid the father is held responsible for 50% of the medical bills. Where does this woman's responsibilty come in. She chose to have the baby, to keep the baby, knowing that my husband was not going to be involved. She knew she had no health insurance. Why is she not held responsible for some of the cost if he is? I had my ds in Aug 2007 and am still working on paying off almost $2000 in medical bills from my delivery and I had health insurance!
    *The very worst part is if I were to have gone out and had the one night stand and ended up pregnant by a man other than my husband I could not go after the bio dad for support because I am married and my husband would have been presumed to be the father. Why the double standard? Why can this woman come after my husband, when she KNEW he was married, that he had a child, and that he did not want to have a child with her?
    I feel like the system is broken and allows for the enterprising woman to pick a guy, get pregnant and go after said man for support with no concern for the situation. I understand that a child is involved and in this case, it is very sad, but this other woman CHOSE to bring her child into the world knowing it would be fatherless. My husband is the sperm donor here, not a father, and I feel like my family is getting shafted because this woman wanted to reap the benefits of having a baby.
    Do I have any options? Or am I just stuck with dealing with the injustice of the system?
    1. Your two children recieve less, because that's just the way the laws are written. The other mother has a CS order, you do not. You also said that he had the one night stand BEFORE you got pregnant, unfortunately, you chose to have a child AFTER you knew that he might have another child with this other woman. It's very unfortunate for your children, but nothing can be done about it. Of course, you can always get a job and help support your 2 children, but, legally, the other child's needs will always come first.

    2. First, if you had been working, you might have been able to file an injured spouse form and gotten your portion of the intercepted tax refund. If you do get a job, and you file married jointly, be sure to file an injured spouse form with your tax return. The woman's responsibilty comes in because she also is responsible for a portion of her and your husband's child's support, even if it isn't the medical, she does have to help support her child. Also, she is not the only person who made the choice to have the baby, your husband chose to have sex with her, and by doing so, risked the possibilty of having to support a child.

    3. Yes, you are stuck. Your husband has a legal responsibilty that will not go away, the sooner you accept that reality, the sooner you can get on with your life. You and husband might want to look into counseling to help you learn to live with the realities as they exist now.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Where Is The Fairness?

    Quote Quoting nonobligatedwife
    View Post
    Why can this woman come after my husband, when she KNEW he was married, that he had a child, and that he did not want to have a child with her?
    I don't know - why can your husband sleep with a woman who is not his wife, when he KNOWS he is already married to someone else, and that he's risking creating a child that he doesn't want? Not wanting to have a child with ANYONE = keeping it in your pants. It's really that simple. He decided to play Russian roulette, and lost.

    I feel like the system is broken and allows for the enterprising woman to pick a guy, get pregnant and go after said man for support with no concern for the situation.
    Again, without the active participation of your husband, there would be no pregnancy. Sure, enterprising women pick guys and get pregnant - but at the same time, guys pick women and impregnate them without a second thought, nor any intention of accepting responsibility for any offspring they might produce.

    I understand that a child is involved and in this case, it is very sad, but this other woman CHOSE to bring her child into the world knowing it would be fatherless. My husband is the sperm donor here, not a father, and I feel like my family is getting shafted because this woman wanted to reap the benefits of having a baby.
    Sure, the father might not want to be around, but the system exists to ensure that child will still receive at minimum some financial support from the father, even if the parenting is lacking. This is NOT about the mother - this is all about the CHILD that was created. If your husband wanted to be a sperm donor, there are banks for that. When he creates a child with an individual, the game changes. It's certainly very natural for your anger and sense of unfairness to be directed at this other woman, to see her as a home wrecker, the creater of a financial burden on you and your children for the next 18 years, but the stark reality you're not seeing is that if anyone shafted your family, it's your hubby.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Where Is The Fairness?

    Quote Quoting Xena
    View Post
    You also said that he had the one night stand BEFORE you got pregnant, unfortunately, you chose to have a child AFTER you knew that he might have another child with this other woman.
    I was not aware of the situation until I was 5 weeks away from delivering my son and the other child had already been born. So, while my husband was in the know, I was blindsided by the police officer delivering the paternity suit to my door.

    Valid points have been made. Yes, my husband made the decision to sleep with this woman without using a condom. (She told him she was on the pill- no excuse not to use the condom in this day and age but he wasn't thinking a pregnancy would happen) Yes, the reason my family is having to deal with this is because my husband made a stupid selfish decision but at this point, with casual sex being such a common occurance, is having a one night stand really considered a decision to have a child with someone? What if the situation had been reversed and she didn't want the baby but my husband did? She could have terminated the pregnancy at any time without his approval. It just seems that the woman holds ALL the cards, makes all the decisions and the man just has to roll with it. Shouldn't having/keeping the child be the choice of both parties in this situation? The other woman's sister, who is married with kids of her own even offered to adopt the baby and give her a traditional home. In the long run, wouldn't this have been for the best?
    Yes, I'm angry, at this woman and my husband and also at the FOC. A one size fits all formula is great for divorce cases but shouldn't the situation be considered when it deviates from the traditional?

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    9,096

    Default Re: Where Is The Fairness?

    Yes, having casual sex is really considered intent to have a child with someone.

    You are a grown woman with two children. You understand how the plumbing works.

    It is not the child's fault that the sperm and the egg belong to two people that shouldn't have been schtuping. Therefore, the child will not be penalized... and will have the financial support of both parents.

    I urge your husband to file for visitation. He should be involved in his child's life... the child also deserves that.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    9,096

    Default Re: Where Is The Fairness?

    Oh, and are you REALLY advocating that when an unplanned pregnancy is discovered that both parents should vote on keeping or aborting it?

    How would you feel if your last child was aborted against YOUR will because you husband didn't feel like having another kid.

    Women bear children. Therefore, the choice is hers.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Where Is The Fairness?

    Quote Quoting cyjeff
    View Post
    Oh, and are you REALLY advocating that when an unplanned pregnancy is discovered that both parents should vote on keeping or aborting it?

    How would you feel if your last child was aborted against YOUR will because you husband didn't feel like having another kid.

    Women bear children. Therefore, the choice is hers.
    I believe that it takes two people to make the baby and that both people are going to be held responsible for supporting the child, so both should be on board with having the child in the first place.
    You assume that my last child was unplanned and I never said abort against anyones will. If the woman decides to have said child knowing that the man does not want the child then she should be fully prepared to support that child on her own with out the help of the other person. By making the CHOICE to not have an abortion and to keep the child against the advice/opinion of the man involved, she has clearly taken any decision making abilitly out of his hands.

    Why because we bear the children is the decision solely ours? Do men not deserve a choice too? Say the man wanted the child desperately and planned to support and raise the child on his own but the woman had an abortion? Was that just her right because she had to carry the pregnancy?

  8. #8
    panther10758 Guest

    Default Re: Where Is The Fairness?

    If you are unhappy with women only making the choice in abortions then petition your State's Represenatives to change the law. Until then it is what it is

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    TN
    Posts
    699

    Default Re: Where Is The Fairness?

    Quote Quoting nonobligatedwife
    View Post
    Why because we bear the children is the decision solely ours? Do men not deserve a choice too? Say the man wanted the child desperately and planned to support and raise the child on his own but the woman had an abortion? Was that just her right because she had to carry the pregnancy?

    Men do have a choice.
    They have a choice whether or not to have sex and possibly impregnate the other person. Once the woman is impregnated, it's her body, her choice.

    He did have a choice though.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Michigan
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    Default Re: Where Is The Fairness?

    If anyone really wants to continue this discussion, please start a thread in "Debate The Issues".

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