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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    18

    Default Help With Increased Visitation

    Hello, I am in CT. I am in the midst of a divorce and we have a 22 month old daughter. Joint legal custody and I have physical custody. Right now her father sees her 3 times per week for 2.5 hours each. This is all that he asked for when we separated, all he asked for in the temp. court orders and all that he put in to his proposed divorce settlement. During his visits, he takes our daugther to his mother's house, he is not repsonsible for any of her daily care. He basically plays with her for two hours. THere is a court order keeping his girlfriend away from the baby (until divorce is final), and he went and had the girlfriend move in with him, so the baby hasn't been to his house in over a month now. He is consistently late in picking up the baby, doesn't make up missed time, doesn't reply to messages regarding our child- including making arrangements for holiday visit, refuses extra time, fails to make arrangments ahead of time for scheduling conflicts, can't even remember where to pick up the baby etc....

    We have been separated for over a year, with him having this amount and less time with the baby all along-- completely his choice- again turning down more time. He has never had to "care" for the baby, has never had her for more than 2.5 hours (even before we split up) , doesn't even have a place for her to sleep etc... Has no clue on how to take care of her- goes against dr. orders on foods she can have, doesn't even know the name of her medical condition etc.... So, he is not very involved or responsible. Can he learn?- yes, of course, but it won't happen tomorrow- it will take time to learn, to bond, and to create a "home" with a routine for our daughter.

    So , he wants his 7 hours per week, and a 2 week vacation! My lawyer and I said fine to the 7 hours but no to the vacation as it is not developemtnally appropriately for a toddler to be away from their primary caregiver for two weeks (but that I'd put it in to agree when she is older). Especially when he has never been her caregiver, and has never ever cared for her at night, when ill, hurt etc... When in the hospital with 107 degree fever, he yelled at me for taking her, and for interupting his date! She has never been away from me at night. So, now because he was told no for vacation, he wants overnights- "to work up to the vacation this summer". Not that he wants an overnight to spend more time with his child, but only because he wants the vacation (which still is not appropriate). His trend is wanting the "fun times' and not having to have the reponsibilities of parenting. I have a hard time believing that he really wants the time when in over a year he didnt ask for more and was goin to settle the divorce with the seven hours- until he didn't get his way.

    I am not opposed to him having an overnight, but I feel that it is in the best interest of our child to work up to it. Not go from 2.5 hours (never having even had a meal at his house) to 24 hours. Especially since she hasn't even been to his house in a long time, hasn't been around the girlfriend (which is a whole other issue as to why she shouldn't be having overnights). I agreed to put it in writing exactly how we can work up to it (starting with more hours and including a meal, then more hours with a meal and nap, then all day etc..) He thinks that it should just happen right away, but I feel that this would be very upsetting for our daughter- way too many new things all at once. She is not yet at the point in development that she understands time concepts.

    Any thoughts on him working up to the overnights and about a 2 week vacation not being appropriate for a two year old? I am all about her having more time with her dad, and have always helped to foster their relationship. I just don't feel that this type of sudden change is in the best interest of our daughter--- at this point. When she is developmentally appropriate- fine!

    Thanks for any insight. sorry so long- just wanted to be sure that you knew the history.

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Toledo, OH
    Posts
    16,307

    Default Re: Help With Increased Visitation

    OK, I'm not sure entirely what you're getting at here.

    He has asked for increased visitation? With the increase being the two weeks vacation?

    While I agree that a two week vacation right now might not be the right thing for your daughter, I also don't think that it's quite as dire as you seem to believe it is. Children, even young ones, are quite a bit more adaptable than we like to give them credit for.

    (Just a data point, I'm a former teacher and have been a mother for 16 years. I've learned a little bit in those 16 years, mostly by hard experience. It will be OK.)

    Even if he is only taking your daughter to visit with her grandmother, it's a start. At 22 months, she's starting to get a good grasp of her surroundings and she's curious. Ridiculously curious, in fact. So an overnight is not going to be as traumatic as you might think it would be. No, really. She might be fearful at first, but seriously, she WILL adapt.

    How do you propose to "work up to it"?

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