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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    18

    Default Help with Visits

    Hello, we are here in ct. My husband filed for divorce last January. We went to a mediator and then right before it was finalized he came back and we started marriage counseling and filed reconciliation. So we went for a bit and then he was referred for individual counseling. Now he is depressed and looking to leave again.

    During the initial sep., before reconciliation our infant daughter lived with me. We moved to my parents as hubby owned the house before marriage. He saw the baby daily because he picked her up from daycare due to my commute, she was only 8 mths old and needed that frequent contact, and I was stupid and hoped that us seeing eachother would make him come home. Many of his visits he would end up staying here at my house and not take her by choice. He never took her for more then 1.5-2 hours as he had stuff to do..... In these past ten months of us living apart, he has never created a home there for her. She has no crib, no high chair, age appropriate toys etc.... And he never increased the length of his visits. I have raised her basically on my own. He does very little to help and gives money when asked- not on his own. He does pay daycare. He has never had to serve her a meal, has never given her a bath, and has never put her to bed.

    Well now with the talk of him leaving, I am putting my foot down and not giving daily visits. How can I get on with mine and my daughter's life as a "new family" of 2 if he is there every day or she is taken from me every day. I changed jobs to spend more time with her and don't need him to pick her up. She will also be 18 months and won't forget him in a few days. BUt he gets pissed and says I'm withholding her. This week he got to see her 4 times- that is not withholding!! But to him he thinks I am punishing him. He doesn't see it as part of not being a custodial parent etc...

    Lets also mention that while separated, but still married, my husband got someone else pregnant. (to someone i think he cheated with) This happened the week my daughter was hospitalized with a kidney infection-- nice huh???? So he was doing that while I nursed my child to health, took to for tests etc... He has been caught out on so many lies its not even funny. Lying about money, that he couldn't afford cs but then I'd find receipts from $100 dates and bar tabs. Again, not putting his daughter first.

    How much of his past will be relevant in planning for custody and visits??? He has made no effort in the past and has never put her first. Like i said over the past 10 mths he never increased his time or even created a home. Now all of a sudden he is pissed at me that this time around I am not going to be a softy and let him in my home everyday to "hang out" and be "friends" and so he wants her more now and claims he'll fight.

    What am I looking at in terms of visits? He works the night shift with rotating days off, including weekends. It just kills me that from birth I have raised her 95% on my own, now all of sudden he can just "swoop" in and be father of the year. I should do all the work and he can reap the benefits. Is offering him 2 weekday visits and one weekend day visits enough? For 2-3 hours each. He has never had her longer than this, and I do not feel that my daughter would handle much more at this point. She is very attached to me and never been away from me accept to my mom or to her babysitter.

    Just curious what to expect and how much of a fight to put up?????? I don't want it to be super ugly but I will not just give up my baby, who he has shown so little interest in and made no effort for during the past 10 months, and really her whole life...... I know we will have joint legal custody and last time he gave me physical without a blink. BUt am i wrong to think that 3 visits is enough to start?

    Thanks, and sorry so long.....

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    19

    Default Re: help with visits

    I'm not a legal professional but I am a mother who has been in a custody battle.

    Honestly.... he's going to get more than you want him to have. Sure, courts vary from state to state, but the benefit of the doubt is given if a parent expresses a desire to be a consistent part of the childs life.

    In my situation, my sons father had seen our son on an average of less than once a month for a few hours the first 18 months of his life (he saw him 16 times total). He then went an entire year without even contacting us, so obviously he didn't see him at all for a year. Out of the blue, i get sued for custody. The courts granted him every other weekend from friday-sunday, 3 weeks in the summer, and the holidays to be split between us. This was after granting me sole custody, so he got pretty much the bare minimum... my son also has a life threatening health issue, so our visitation is phased in, in order to give the father time to learn how to keep the child safe (phased in = one month of non-overnight visits)

    Your husband is a man whom the child has known since the day she was born, whom sees her multiple times a week and shows at least some interest in her... hate to tell you, but there's absolutely no cause for the courts to not allow overnights and weekends. At the minimum, you're looking at every other weekend and possibly one night a week.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    755

    Default Re: Help with Visits

    I agree with the above poster. He will most likely get ( if he wants ), every other weekend, maybe a night during the week. A couple weeks per year vacation, and split holidays.
    Remember, you had a baby with him. He is the father, and don't shut him out. I know you think that he's turning into a bad dad, who's taking advantage of you. But if browse these boards, you might see that you have it fairly good right now. He makes an effort to be in the childs life.
    He pays daycare, and gives money when asked.
    There's alot of women who would kill to have that.
    As for the crap he put you through ( cheating, getting someone pregnant), be very careful bringing that up in court. Alot of the time, the courts don't care. not to mention, unless you are wife/mother of the year, it very well may backfire on you.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    2,031

    Default Re: Help with Visits

    Quote Quoting Dad2
    View Post
    I agree with the above poster. He will most likely get ( if he wants ), every other weekend, maybe a night during the week. A couple weeks per year vacation, and split holidays.
    Remember, you had a baby with him. He is the father, and don't shut him out. I know you think that he's turning into a bad dad, who's taking advantage of you. But if browse these boards, you might see that you have it fairly good right now. He makes an effort to be in the childs life.
    He pays daycare, and gives money when asked.
    There's alot of women who would kill to have that.
    As for the crap he put you through ( cheating, getting someone pregnant), be very careful bringing that up in court. Alot of the time, the courts don't care. not to mention, unless you are wife/mother of the year, it very well may backfire on you.
    Agreed. His infidelity has nothing to do legally with the child...It is irrelevant. Per your post, your stbx is not having overnights and doesn't NEED to have a bedroom set up for her. When my ex was having visitation with our daughter she slept in a porta-crib. She lived.

    Do not allow your disappointment in the break-up of your marriage to interfere with your DAUGHTERS right to have a relationship with her father. As CP it your responsibility to facilitate this relationship.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    19

    Default Re: Help with Visits

    The best advice i was given during my custody case, was that emotion has no place in the courtroom. Stick to the facts that are relevant to the situation at hand. So he doesn't have high moral character, he cheated and made a baby... that has no effect on his ability to care for the child. Bringing up anything and everything he's done wrong will make you look bad, like you're grasping at straws and trying to keep the child from him.

    I've been there, I know what you're feeling... I wanted to scream in the courtroom, my sons father didn't even want me to keep the child, he tried to pressure me to abort and then abandoned us... but alas, even though that makes him a less than desirable person, that doesn't effect his ability to care for the child so has no relevance.

    It's hard, I understand... our first overnight is approaching fast and I'm panicking about his ability to keep my son safe.

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