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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    3

    Default Modification of Custody for a Child Who Wants To Live With NCP

    Tonight my 11 year old daughter asked to come live with me. She has been asking for the past three years, but tonight she told me why. Her stepmother pulls her hair, hits her in the head, kicks her, twists her arm and calls her names often. My daughter used the words abuse and cruel.
    I've talked to her father about the stepmother's discipline in the past and said that I don't believe in hitting or spanking and don't believe she should either. He told me that it wasn't my house, he backs her choices completely and if I really thought it was so bad I should call the police.
    Soon afterwards an email was sent to my employer stating several reasons why I should be fired. Luckily for me HR let me read it and I recognized her email address. When I told my ex about what happened he said that it hadn't been his wife, it was a friend of hers who was using her computer. So, I know she can be vindictive.
    My daughter asked me not to talk to her dad about it this time because every time I do, he talks to the stepmom, the stepmom says she is lying and then she "gets meaner." Less hitting, more putting down with words. Threw her favorite stuffed animals away because they were on her bedroom floor. She threw her diary away because it was filled with lies. She threw away all of school clothing I bought the girls this past August.
    I told my daughter that I would need to talk to her dad about her moving here and she said that she already has and that he gets defensive and puts me down. His reasons are that I don't make enough money to support her, I live in the city not the suburbs, I won't be able to pay for college, I am unfit, the judge already determined he was the better parent, etc. He took out the divorce decree and had her read it.
    I talked my my 12 year old daughter and she confirmed and said it was happening to her too. She deals with it by staying out the stepmom's way which isn't easy, but they do it by staying in their rooms. They said their father works from 6:00 to 10:00 most days when he isn't traveling. He travels for work over the weekends.
    I've spoken to him about being gone so much and he got mad at me, telling me he does it to provide for his family and that he's not going to quit his job. He makes $180K a year. I make $60K.
    My older daughter says she doesn't want to leave her school or her friends, my younger daughter says she just wants out and her friends don't mean as much as that. I've told her that her lifestyle will change. I can't afford a home like she lives in with her dad, I won't be able to buy her a car when she turns 16 ... that kind of thing. She said that none of that matters.
    I've been told that there isn't much of a chance of getting a custody modification because my daughters are thriving. Great grades, no behavioral problems. And if I do decide to pursue, it's going to be extremely expensive. I'm worried about going through the procedure, not being granted custody and then my daughter's life being more difficult for her because she wants out. I'm afraid if I tell someone what is going on in their house I'll be branded for making false abuse claims because their stepmom will deny everything.
    Each time I've tried to stand up for myself and have our current custody arrangement honored (he forgets my turn for holidays and vacations), my ex has threatened to get a lawyer and have more of it taken away from me.
    What are our options? Is it possible for her to have a say or to decide where she wants to live? She doesn't want to go back on Monday.
    Thank you

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    755

    Default Re: Modification to custody - child wants to live with NCP

    At age 11, the courts usually wont listen to what the child wants.
    You need to get your act together, and get those kids out of there ( assuming they are telling the truth)

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    28,906

    Default Re: Modification to custody - child wants to live with NCP

    At 11, if the parents wish, the court usually will listen to the child's preference. However, it is but one of many factors the court considers when deciding custody. Where custody has already been determined, a child's preference is not necessarily going to be enough to trigger a review of custody.

    Child custody laws are different in each state.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    755

    Default Re: Modification to custody - child wants to live with NCP

    Don't bring that kid into the courtroom.
    he's 11, the judge won't make a decision based on an 11 year old testimony.
    Could it happen? Sure, and I could also be the queen of england.
    You'd be putting an 11 year old child in a VERY tough spot, for no reason.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    3

    Default Re: Modification of Custody for a Child Who Wants To Live With NCP

    Dad2... thanks for stopping by, but I was asking for help and I could really use some. You can skip over this one topic from here on out.

    We really don't need the negativity. We're in a not so good situation and I need to find a way to help my daughter. She's upset and losing self confidence and self esteem.

    I was given the advice to have my daughter talk to a neutral 3rd party, like a counselor or teacher, and let them know about the hair pulling, arm twisting and verbal abuse when it happens again. I'm also getting her a cell phone because her stepmom won't let her use the house phone to call me.

    I'm thinking that if the stepmom really can't stand to have her around as much as she says and acts, then maybe there won't be resistance when my daughter tells her dad she wants to come live with me.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    755

    Default Re: Modification of Custody for a Child Who Wants To Live With NCP

    First of all, please don't specifically address a post to me, then tell me to skip it,lol
    2ndly.
    Don't ask a question, unless you're ready for the answer.
    I'm sorry I couldn't tell you what you WANTED to hear. Instead, I opted to tell you the truth. You asked 1 question in your entire post....
    Quote Quoting forthem
    View Post
    Is it possible for her to have a say or to decide where she wants to live?
    And I answered it.
    An 11 year old child, can not decide where she wants to live.
    It's that simple.
    I wish they could. My boy is 10, and I would like nothing better for the courts to listen to what HE wants. But that won't happen, and I have no choice to accept it.

    The only thing negative in my post, is the way in which you interpreted it.
    And for what it's worth, did you ask stepmom if the cell phone is ok? I'd hate to see the kid get into trouble for using it.
    Is there no wording in the decree about "equal access", and the right to have telephone access to the child, and the child have telephone access to the parents?
    If there is wording, and stepmom isn't abiding by it, she is in contempt.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    2,031

    Default Re: Modification of Custody for a Child Who Wants To Live With NCP

    Quote Quoting Dad2
    View Post
    First of all, please don't specifically address a post to me, then tell me to skip it,lol
    2ndly.
    Don't ask a question, unless you're ready for the answer.
    I'm sorry I couldn't tell you what you WANTED to hear. Instead, I opted to tell you the truth. You asked 1 question in your entire post....
    And I answered it.
    An 11 year old child, can not decide where she wants to live.
    It's that simple.
    I wish they could. My boy is 10, and I would like nothing better for the courts to listen to what HE wants. But that won't happen, and I have no choice to accept it.

    The only thing negative in my post, is the way in which you interpreted it.
    And for what it's worth, did you ask stepmom if the cell phone is ok? I'd hate to see the kid get into trouble for using it.
    Is there no wording in the decree about "equal access", and the right to have telephone access to the child, and the child have telephone access to the parents?
    If there is wording, and stepmom isn't abiding by it, she is in contempt.
    Actually, Step mom isn't bound by the custody agreement therefor she can't be in contempt. BUT!!!! The father will be held in contempt for st-mom's actions...

    OP: IF you file for a modification of custody, request a GAL for your child. That way the child will have a "voice" in the court room without being "put on the spot". The GAL will interview your child, you , the father and the stepmother. S/He will then make a recommendation to the court as to the best interest of the child.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    3

    Default Re: Modification of Custody for a Child Who Wants To Live With NCP

    Baystategirl... Thanks for the advice!
    I didn't know what GAL stood for so I had to look it up. Guardian Ad Litem. I'll do some more research on how having one could help.
    I also contacted two lawyers last week and neither were optimistic. And neither of them were inexpensive.
    What I heard from both of them is that it doesn't sound good that one daughter doesn't want to leave. I explained that she's unhappy too but dealing with it better. Both of the lawyers said that it's unlikely a judge will break up siblings.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    7

    Default Re: Modification of Custody for a Child Who Wants To Live With NCP

    I know what its like to not have any money for a lawyer, so i had to take out many [I]Personal Loans[I] from family and friends. But I did whatever i had to do for my daughter, and to get what i thought was best for her. I wouldn't make it easy for the stepmom and father. If what your daughter is saying is true without a doubt in your mind, their giving her hell. I would give it right back to them. I would put in a complaint to child protective services, tell them what your daughter said and that your very concerned for her. They will send someone to investigate and with your daughter being 11 they would take her word very seriously. and if nothing comes up the first time, they keep the case open for about 6 months in NY. I'm not sure what state you live in but it should be about the same. Another thing you could do is get your daughter a very small tape recorder. If she anticipates when her stepmom is going to do those things to her i would have her click it on out of the stepmom's sight or have her sister do it. Though some judges won't take it into account, many will at least listen to it. Another thing my lawyer told me to do is keep a journal and jot down date and times and whatever other info you want about your visits with your children, phone calls to them, things they have said that may concern you, you could even do this each time you talk with the stepmom or the father. and keep doing it even if things take a turn start working out for you and your children. Good Luck.

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