Pregnant Wife Trying to Leave State

[2amuhohs]

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California


My wife is 7 months pregnant and after some disagreement on many things she is basically demanding I agree to cutting my family out of the picture due to my brother being a jerk to her. She wants my brother to stay away from our son. My brother no long treats her badly and has tried numerous times to show he’s changed, but she will not accept it. She has a series of hoops she expects my family to jump through in order to be in my sons life, and this is something that we discussed early on and she knew going in I won’t be playing this game.

The last 3 months have been constantly filled with her rage and/or emotional outbursts, and has made life a literal living hell. I’ve offered numerous compromises and concessions, I’ve bargained and bartered, absolutely nothing less will suffice, and I will not let my son grow up without knowing his grandparents or his uncle or any other of the family.

She told me last week that if I don’t commit to her wishes that she may leave before the baby is born and go back to her home state (North Carolina), as she says that if she stays here until he’s born, that she won’t be able to stop me from taking him on my time to spend time with my brother or anyone else, but has said that she would find a way no matter what to keep my son from my brother and my parents (she blames my parents for not taking her side, as they vowed to stay neutral and only intervened in severe situations).

My brother was a jerk for a long time, we had periods early in our marriage where we didn’t speak to him, but he has changed and I believe it to be genuine. The change took place before the baby was announced. On the flip side, my wife engaged in the Johnson measuring match with him and always tried to get revenge for his attitude or smack talking, and it became a brutal rivalry. I was caught between standing by my wife and spending time with my family. I’ve given far more than I should have and now she wants it all now that our son is almost here.

I’m looking for insight into California. Is there anything legally I can do to prevent her from leaving the state before she gives birth? I know I can file for divorce and serve her before she leaves, but I’m afraid of how it’s going to look to a judge that a man divorced his pregnant wife right before the baby comes. I’ve fought hard to keep it together but once you threaten to take the kid away from the father that’s enough. I’ve tried to convince her to enter into marriage counseling but she refuses, she says there’s no point, she doesn’t need to change, I do.

If I file and serve her and she leaves, she will be required to come back for court and my child will be required to come back once he’s born, and that the divorce/custody case wouldn’t be able to be settled until he’s born, is that correct?

My family has been supportive and tried to help appease her, but nothing works, and when they stop trying she all of the sudden freaks out because they weren’t trying anymore. It’s beyond frustrating and scary. I’m also concerned about timing. My family says that they will play pretend and give her what she wants until the baby is born and I end my paternity leave from work so I can get that full time bonding in. My parents have offered to give me the detainer for an attorney and I have been compiling a list to begin the consultation process. I also have begun to move funds to a different account so that on day one of me leaving I can provide her a check for child support so that she can’t petition the court that I’ve abandoned my child (she suggested that she was likely going to do something vindictive like that if we ever split up).

I intend to fight for 50/50 legal and (50/50 physical custody) of course with the acknowledgment that once he is old enough for school I’m understanding that we’ll have to decide which home he lives in full time for stability purposes.

I also would like to know, CAN she petition the court to order me not to let my child to spend time with my parents or his uncle or cousins or anyone else for that matter? There was never any violence, it was more of a verbal bullying situation, but again, it has been stopped and my brother has attempted to talk out their problems but she refuses to take any personal responsibility for her part in the satiation. My brother is diagnosed bi-polar and hasn’t had any manic episodes since beginning treatment two years ago, can she use that to ban him from being our my son?

Also, I’ve been told by a friend to buy small audio recorders and hide them around the house so that I can show the court how aggressive and violent she has become, but it’s my understanding that it’s not admissible in court unless I tell her I’m making the recording, he told me that it can’t be used specifically as evidence but it can show a judge now unstable she is which might help me out. I also have literally dozens of people in who would be a character witness for me in a heart beat. But I don’t want to take custody from my wife either, I want to share custody, my son needs both his parents in his life. Neither of us have criminal records, I have a DUI arrest from 2011 where I was never charged due to the low level. We are both working professionals, she makes more money than I, and I make good money.

I’m really scared about taking the first steps, I’m hoping someone can help me with some advice so I have some things to discuss during my attorney consultations in the next few weeks. My ultimate goal is the happiness, health, and welfare of my child, and not being with both his parents is detrimental to all 3.

Currently I’m on my best behavior to keep her calm, but I’m concerned that whatever I give in to her demands, the judge will use that as terms for custody, am I better off losing a few months with my son and ripping the bandaid off ASAP, or will be in a better position if I appease her until he’s born?

I do not take the notion of divorce lightly, I have spent the last 4 years fighting to try and make it work, but she has given the ultimatum and demands practically zero contact with my side of the family. She said if my parents were to baby sit him and she found out they let my brother (who lives with them) spend as much as 5 minutes with him while he’s there, that she’ll see to it that they never see our son again, ever (she was very clear about the ever part).

Please, any advice would be so helpful and I’d be forever grateful.


Keith

[adjusterjack]

She's 7 months pregnant, big as a house, and irrational. That's what pregnancy does. The only one who has legal rights to your child is you. Not your family. Put your wife and child first. Agree to everything she wants for the time being. Keep your family away from her and the baby. If it takes a while for your wife to mellow, your family will just have to deal with it and wait for your wife to cool off. It won't kill them.

Your choice. Your wife/baby or your family. You apparently aren't going to have both for a while.

If you want to fight it and have it YOUR way, you are destined for divorce, expensive litigation, and child support and, guess what, your family will won't have access to the child, not without so much hostility that they'll stay away anyway.

Knock off the me, me, me stuff and think it over.

[2amuhohs]

I haven’t been doing anything “me me me”, it’s been “her her her” for years, her idea of a compromise is me doing exactly what she wants, and if I try to discuss it, I’m a selfish jerk. You’re right, she’s pregnant and irrational, but, she was just as irrational before she was pregnant, and I tried really hard to make her happy, at very great personal cost to me. I offered a great deal of concession and compromise, and she refused to bend, and that has been the case since before the pregnancy. It’s obvious by your comment that you are assuming she’s just hormonal and I’m just being selfish, and that assumption is incorrect. I have fought extremely hard to make my marriage last.

However, I do appreciate the advice you gave, as I understand completely that she might cool off once my son is here, but, I can assure you that the chances of that are slim.

She's 7 months pregnant, big as a house, and irrational. That's what pregnancy does. The only one who has legal rights to your child is you. Not your family. Put your wife and child first. Agree to everything she wants for the time being. Keep your family away from her and the baby. If it takes a while for your wife to mellow, your family will just have to deal with it and wait for your wife to cool off. It won't kill them.

Your choice. Your wife/baby or your family. You apparently aren't going to have both for a while.

If you want to fight it and have it YOUR way, you are destined for divorce, expensive litigation, and child support and, guess what, your family will won't have access to the child, not without so much hostility that they'll stay away anyway.

Knock off the me, me, me stuff and think it over.

By the way, are you insinuating that my wife can legally make me not let me son spend time with his grandparents or my other family members based on a grudge? That can’t possibly be a thing or ex’s would literally not let the other let their kid around anyone purely out of spite.

She's 7 months pregnant, big as a house, and irrational. That's what pregnancy does. The only one who has legal rights to your child is you. Not your family. Put your wife and child first. Agree to everything she wants for the time being. Keep your family away from her and the baby. If it takes a while for your wife to mellow, your family will just have to deal with it and wait for your wife to cool off. It won't kill them.

Your choice. Your wife/baby or your family. You apparently aren't going to have both for a while.

If you want to fight it and have it YOUR way, you are destined for divorce, expensive litigation, and child support and, guess what, your family will won't have access to the child, not without so much hostility that they'll stay away anyway.

Knock off the me, me, me stuff and think it over.

[adjusterjack]

By the way, are you insinuating that my wife can legally make me not let me son spend time with his grandparents or my other family members based on a grudge? That can’t possibly be a thing or ex’s would literally not let the other let their kid around anyone purely out of spite.

During my divorce my irrational ex-wife convinced a judge that she was afraid of me (like yours, just bulls--t) and got a restraining order that got me removed from my own house.

No one wants to admit it but there is still a double standard in this country that allows irrational women to make up stories and judge's "err on the side of caution."

So, yes, it's possible that your wife can get restricted or supervised visitation. Maybe not likely, but it happens and it's something that you have to think about and maybe walk on eggshells for a while.

Sometimes you'll find practical advice instead of legal advice here.

[2amuhohs]

Hm. I have to admit that you’re right. Seen that first hand. I’m sorry to hear that that happened to you. But I will say though, that it’s getting hard to work with her. That being said, prior to her pregnancy, there was an episode where she lashed out at me and slammed the bedroom door so hard that trim blew off. Our friend was in the hallway next to me when it happened. We were having a calm conversation about a small annoyance and she snapped. She then came out and when I tried to talk to her she shoved me into the wall and went right past me, also seen by my friend. My friend was shocked and has walked on eggshells around her ever since, two years later. I’m not really worried about a judge erring on the side of caution, on a temporary basis, I’ve never been that person and not a single person would ever back her up in court to make such accusations

During my divorce my irrational ex-wife convinced a judge that she was afraid of me (like yours, just bulls--t) and got a restraining order that got me removed from my own house.

No one wants to admit it but there is still a double standard in this country that allows irrational women to make up stories and judge's "err on the side of caution."

So, yes, it's possible that your wife can get restricted or supervised visitation. Maybe not likely, but it happens and it's something that you have to think about and maybe walk on eggshells for a while.

Sometimes you'll find practical advice instead of legal advice here.

[llworking]

Hm. I have to admit that you’re right. Seen that first hand. I’m sorry to hear that that happened to you. But I will say though, that it’s getting hard to work with her. That being said, prior to her pregnancy, there was an episode where she lashed out at me and slammed the bedroom door so hard that trim blew off. Our friend was in the hallway next to me when it happened. We were having a calm conversation about a small annoyance and she snapped. She then came out and when I tried to talk to her she shoved me into the wall and went right past me, also seen by my friend. My friend was shocked and has walked on eggshells around her ever since, two years later. I’m not really worried about a judge erring on the side of caution, on a temporary basis, I’ve never been that person and not a single person would ever back her up in court to make such accusations

The reality of things is that your wife really is in the most irrational, hormonal stage of pregnancy and it is foolish for you to be negotiating with her at all at this point. You should be agreeing to whatever makes her comfortable at this point.

You flat out admit that your brother was a total asshole to her for a long time. You flat out admit that your parents not only knew this, but refused to take sides against the person who was being a total asshole.

I won't go into details but I have a brother who was once being an asshole. He refused to be at mom and dad's for holidays if a certain other family member was there, and my parents cheerfully uninvited him. Years later, after dad passed away my brother moved in with mom, and anytime my brother got out of hand my mother sent him to his room and made him stay there. My parents were never "neutral".

Today my brother is much better about the issue at hand. Not perfect, but better. The person/people in question in the scenario are able to tolerate his "not perfect, but better" because they know that everybody else is on their side and will figuratively "send him to his room" if he misbehaves.

It sounds like it is too late to change the dynamics in your family, but since I don't know the details of your brother's misbehavior towards your wife and how that might impact your child, I can't know if you are the one being irrational or if it's your wife. I might totally be on your wife's side in the matter, or I might be on yours.

However I can tell you that if your brother's attitude has anything to do with race or religion, then I am totally on your wife's side. I will also tell you that she is perfectly free to leave the state while pregnant. You may, or may not be able to get CA to take jurisdiction of matters regarding the child (if she leaves the state while pregnant), but it's not guaranteed. The state she moves to will have a say in the matter as well.

I will also tell you that your wife's state of mind impacts your unborn child. Your unborn child needs a serene and content mom to the extent possible. Your newborn child will need the same.

[2amuhohs]

No, race and religion were not involved. She made some comments that offended multiple people in my family. My family all decided to let it go because I had cared for her a lot by this time. My brother, however, did not. The rest is history.

I understand what you’re saying. I assure you, this is not an average situation, and my wife isn’t only saying the things she’s saying because she’s pregnant.

The reality of things is that your wife really is in the most irrational, hormonal stage of pregnancy and it is foolish for you to be negotiating with her at all at this point. You should be agreeing to whatever makes her comfortable at this point.

You flat out admit that your brother was a total asshole to her for a long time. You flat out admit that your parents not only knew this, but refused to take sides against the person who was being a total asshole.

I won't go into details but I have a brother who was once being an asshole. He refused to be at mom and dad's for holidays if a certain other family member was there, and my parents cheerfully uninvited him. Years later, after dad passed away my brother moved in with mom, and anytime my brother got out of hand my mother sent him to his room and made him stay there. My parents were never "neutral".

Today my brother is much better about the issue at hand. Not perfect, but better. The person/people in question in the scenario are able to tolerate his "not perfect, but better" because they know that everybody else is on their side and will figuratively "send him to his room" if he misbehaves.

It sounds like it is too late to change the dynamics in your family, but since I don't know the details of your brother's misbehavior towards your wife and how that might impact your child, I can't know if you are the one being irrational or if it's your wife. I might totally be on your wife's side in the matter, or I might be on yours.

However I can tell you that if your brother's attitude has anything to do with race or religion, then I am totally on your wife's side. I will also tell you that she is perfectly free to leave the state while pregnant. You may, or may not be able to get CA to take jurisdiction of matters regarding the child (if she leaves the state while pregnant), but it's not guaranteed. The state she moves to will have a say in the matter as well.

I will also tell you that your wife's state of mind impacts your unborn child. Your unborn child needs a serene and content mom to the extent possible. Your newborn child will need the same.

[llworking]

No, race and religion were not involved. She made some comments that offended multiple people in my family. My family all decided to let it go because I had cared for her a lot by this time. My brother, however, did not. The rest is history.

I understand what you’re saying. I assure you, this is not an average situation, and my wife isn’t only saying the things she’s saying because she’s pregnant.

You won't get good advice here unless you are up front about things, and so far you aren't up front a bit. The details honestly matter. I also think that you do not understand the realities of pregnancy.

Get a consult with a local attorney and be prepared to be totally honest.