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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2020
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    2

    Default Advice Needed About Splitting from Daughter's Mother

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Illinois

    Single father of an almost 3 year old here. I have lived with the mother for about the last 6 years. When she moved in with me, she had agreed to split rent and bills. She paid for a couple of months and then stopped. It was kind of my fault for not demanding it, but we had discussed and agreed that I would just be saving it for a house deposit anyways, so I would just keep track of it and she would pay for it then.

    Well fast forward to right after my daughter is born and I find out that she has been lying to me since day 1 about her job, background, how much she works, finances, etc. and is not only essentially completely broke, but has also stolen thousands of dollars in cash from me (that's how I finally pieced everything together). I have been trying to make things work for our daughter, but things are now fairly volatile between us, and my daughter is old enough that she definitely notices.

    I have tried to talk with her about separating since we are miserable together, and it always gravitates back to the same thing. She works part time and makes next to no money so watches our daughter most of the time, while I work full time to pay for everything. If we split, she says she has nowhere to go here, and will be forced to take my daughter to Florida to live with her mother. That is obviously unacceptable to me, but she says since she is the mother and primary caregiver, she will get custody and make me pay child support.

    I am not sure that that is entirely true or could really happen, but that isn't even my real question. She is a good mother and I have no intentions of taking our daughter from her, but am also very tired of essentially being held financially hostage over the threat of her taking my daughter from me. I have been working on buying a house, even with the $50k setback from her lying and stealing from me, and plan on moving before the end of the year. For obvious reasons, I don't want her tagging along to my new house, and see this as a good opportunity to try to fix the current cycle of me paying for her to be a freeloader while telling me there's nothing I can do about it.

    So that is my question. What will happen if I purchase a new house to move into without my daughter's mother? She will no longer be able to stay in our current condo. I have floated joint custody, or me taking primary custody until she can get her life together and a place to live and then go back to joint custody, but she always immediately snaps and says no way then I am taking her to Florida.

    It is extremely frustrating to me that I don't get to spend as much time with my daughter as I would like to because I am forced to work constantly to pay for everything, and then have that held against me like I am a bad father. I also understand that she has nowhere to live here if I don't let her live with me, but at the same time don't see why that is my problem to sort out.

    Sorry for the excessive background but I feel it is relevant to the situation. Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
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    47.606 N 122.332 W in body, still at 90 S in my mind.
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    Default Re: Advice Needed About Splitting from Daughter's Mother

    What you do is contact a family law attorney, go to court and obtain a parenting plan. You'll be liable for child support.

    The advantage of this is that you can obtain legal access to your daughter and it will make it more difficult for the mother to split to FL.

    You are not responsible for mom, only the kid.
    "Where do those stairs go?"
    "They go up!"

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    16,414

    Default Re: Advice Needed About Splitting from Daughter's Mother

    Quote Quoting KW20
    View Post
    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Illinois

    Single father of an almost 3 year old here. I have lived with the mother for about the last 6 years. When she moved in with me, she had agreed to split rent and bills. She paid for a couple of months and then stopped. It was kind of my fault for not demanding it, but we had discussed and agreed that I would just be saving it for a house deposit anyways, so I would just keep track of it and she would pay for it then.

    Well fast forward to right after my daughter is born and I find out that she has been lying to me since day 1 about her job, background, how much she works, finances, etc. and is not only essentially completely broke, but has also stolen thousands of dollars in cash from me (that's how I finally pieced everything together). I have been trying to make things work for our daughter, but things are now fairly volatile between us, and my daughter is old enough that she definitely notices.

    I have tried to talk with her about separating since we are miserable together, and it always gravitates back to the same thing. She works part time and makes next to no money so watches our daughter most of the time, while I work full time to pay for everything. If we split, she says she has nowhere to go here, and will be forced to take my daughter to Florida to live with her mother. That is obviously unacceptable to me, but she says since she is the mother and primary caregiver, she will get custody and make me pay child support.

    I am not sure that that is entirely true or could really happen, but that isn't even my real question. She is a good mother and I have no intentions of taking our daughter from her, but am also very tired of essentially being held financially hostage over the threat of her taking my daughter from me. I have been working on buying a house, even with the $50k setback from her lying and stealing from me, and plan on moving before the end of the year. For obvious reasons, I don't want her tagging along to my new house, and see this as a good opportunity to try to fix the current cycle of me paying for her to be a freeloader while telling me there's nothing I can do about it.

    So that is my question. What will happen if I purchase a new house to move into without my daughter's mother? She will no longer be able to stay in our current condo. I have floated joint custody, or me taking primary custody until she can get her life together and a place to live and then go back to joint custody, but she always immediately snaps and says no way then I am taking her to Florida.

    It is extremely frustrating to me that I don't get to spend as much time with my daughter as I would like to because I am forced to work constantly to pay for everything, and then have that held against me like I am a bad father. I also understand that she has nowhere to live here if I don't let her live with me, but at the same time don't see why that is my problem to sort out.

    Sorry for the excessive background but I feel it is relevant to the situation. Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.
    You might be able to convince a judge to order her not to move the child to FL. However there is at least some chance that the judge might allow her to relocate with the child or might not order her to return if she moves before you go to court.

    As far as child support is concerned, even with a 50/50 timeshare, which is not guaranteed, you WILL be paying some child support. The discrepancies in your respective incomes will cause that. The only way that there is no child support in a 50/50 timeshare is if the parties have incomes that are relatively equal. You can however get the judge to impute an income to her that is at least 40 hours x minimum wage, if her income is currently less than that.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2018
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    2,675

    Default Re: Advice Needed About Splitting from Daughter's Mother

    Quote Quoting KW20
    View Post
    What will happen if I purchase a new house to move into without my daughter's mother?
    This question is impossibly vague. Thousands of things "will happen," some significant and some insignificant.

    Here are a couple of questions for you: Was your paternity ever established in accordance with your state's laws? If so, how was it established. Please be specific, and note that "my name is on the birth certificate" does not answer this question.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2020
    Posts
    2

    Default Re: Advice Needed About Splitting from Daughter's Mother

    Quote Quoting pg1067
    View Post
    This question is impossibly vague. Thousands of things "will happen," some significant and some insignificant.

    Here are a couple of questions for you: Was your paternity ever established in accordance with your state's laws? If so, how was it established. Please be specific, and note that "my name is on the birth certificate" does not answer this question.
    We filled out and submitted a Voluntary Acknowledgement of Paternity at the hospital before leaving which I believe is all that is required in Illinois.

    I am working on finding a family law attorney to work with to sort this out. In the meantime, I was just looking for some thoughts or advice on what to expect because this is all entirely new to me and I am trying my best to navigate through it in the meantime. Sorry my question was vague but I am not familiar enough to ask more specific questions.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    272

    Default Re: Advice Needed About Splitting from Daughter's Mother

    I suggest deferring your purchase of a house until this is sorted out as legal fees in custody cases can be horrendous. Get a place in a kid friendly area near childcare convenient to your work and move ASAP. Women have been known to file false domestic violence charges to improve their case for custody. Protect yourself as well as your child.

    Since you have an attorney, ask how you should become prepare to make the best case for shared custody and prevention of her moving the child to another state. Ask when he plans to file for a temporary arrangement while getting the final details worked out. Keeping the child readily accessible and you in her life should be your first concern.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2018
    Posts
    2,675

    Default Re: Advice Needed About Splitting from Daughter's Mother

    Quote Quoting KW20
    View Post
    I am working on finding a family law attorney to work with to sort this out. In the meantime, I was just looking for some thoughts or advice on what to expect because this is all entirely new to me and I am trying my best to navigate through it in the meantime. Sorry my question was vague but I am not familiar enough to ask more specific questions.
    In light of the mother's threat to leave the state with the child, my advice is not to do anything drastic until you have conferred with a family attorney and received advice, which may be to get a petition for an appropriate custody/visitation order on file before moving, etc.

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