Visitation Rights - Teenager/Alienation Georgia /New York

[Phiomena]

I agree with the last two posts. There is nothing a teenager resents more than being used as a pawn in a custody battle.

Forget lawyers and court at this point unless you want to completely alienate her.

Work on a relationship with her.

Thank you for this... she has since texted me she doesnt want to come because it isnt fun, and I cant make her. I am deeply sad. I do think she is a moody teen, and I think in her newer relationship with her dad - she thinks ousting me is a way to get closer.

Either way, lawyers- court-- nothing has been followed since she left- at this point nothing will. Im unsure how to forge a new relationship - right now I am clouded by a kind of grief for missing out on her last year of school and ofcourse the last summer she is still somewhat a "kid." But I will have to deal. I did ofcourse plead to her father and that didnt work. She can do as she wishes or doesnt and covid is a concern he says.

Covid is an issue but more importantly my daughter wont "enjoy herself." I can travel to goergia and see her -- But, Atlanta is having covid issues, and she isnt allowed out there, if she cant get in a car and quarantine with me in my home, how would I visit in Georgia? Confusing. I do feel like not seeing her since November is wrong- but it might be time to accept I made a mistake by making this new agreement. Time to accept and figure out where to go from here.

I had custody of my daughter for a decade. THe pain Ive felt for the past two years I dont wish on anyone. Custodial parents really have a lot of sway good and bad.

I appreciate the thoughts and welcome more. Thank you.

[llworking]

Thank you for this... she has since texted me she doesnt want to come because it isnt fun, and I cant make her. I am deeply sad. I do think she is a moody teen, and I think in her newer relationship with her dad - she thinks ousting me is a way to get closer.

Either way, lawyers- court-- nothing has been followed since she left- at this point nothing will. Im unsure how to forge a new relationship - right now I am clouded by a kind of grief for missing out on her last year of school and ofcourse the last summer she is still somewhat a "kid." But I will have to deal. I did ofcourse plead to her father and that didnt work. She can do as she wishes or doesnt and covid is a concern he says.

Covid is an issue but more importantly my daughter wont "enjoy herself." I can travel to goergia and see her -- But, Atlanta is having covid issues, and she isnt allowed out there, if she cant get in a car and quarantine with me in my home, how would I visit in Georgia? Confusing. I do feel like not seeing her since November is wrong- but it might be time to accept I made a mistake by making this new agreement. Time to accept and figure out where to go from here.

I had custody of my daughter for a decade. THe pain Ive felt for the past two years I dont wish on anyone. Custodial parents really have a lot of sway good and bad.

I appreciate the thoughts and welcome more. Thank you.

I am not saying this to make you feel bad. I am saying it for the sake of other parents who might read your thread down the road. The mistake you made was not aggressively fighting things when she was 15. I understand why you didn't, but that is the reason why you are in the position that you are now.

[jumanji]

Time to get creative. Ask her if the two of you can facetime at a specific time each week. You said the two of you used to cook together - perhaps every other week or once a month, you could cook/eat together via facetime. What are her interests? If she likes to read, maybe the two of you could have a "mini-book club" together. Find some shows on Netflix to stream "together." If she's into a sport, find out more about it and watch some games. The key is not to be all weird about any of it. My Mom would ask my oldest to make her a playlist of music she liked, and would listen to it. They'd talk about the music - Mom would sometimes like it, sometimes not. But she could always find something positive to say - the lyrics were really thought-provoking, a bit heavy on the bass or drums, but she liked the melody, the harmonies were stunning, etc. At the start of every school year, she'd read the books on the syllabus.

The key is to not only learn what her current interests are, but to also show that you are interested in finding out what they like about it and are trying to create a common ground. Just don't get so "all in" that it comes off as lecturing - make the interactions conversations. That helps build a more adult relationship with her, which will carry through as she gets older, doesn't "threaten" (in her mind) her relationship with Dad, etc. You don't have to like the situation, but building a new "normal" with her is more important.

[Phiomena]

I am not saying this to make you feel bad. I am saying it for the sake of other parents who might read your thread down the road. The mistake you made was not aggressively fighting things when she was 15. I understand why you didn't, but that is the reason why you are in the position that you are now.

I dont take offense, I want opinions. It was a horror show, she went on a visit and never returned. I did get an attorney( not a great one I fear) and his "case" was being thrown out due to it needing to be heard in NY. But my daughter was in hysterics adn put in a horrible position. To be offered to live with the man who had never really been interested before and his lovely family. MY ex is also a newer real estate attorney and well, pretty slick. I should not have caved to an agreement, but to behonest I was told shed probably come running back.

The agreement I made had hi responsible for a lot of visitation, on and on. But the reality is, he was a smart man. He has not followed the order -- minimally at best-- and since she is a "young adult" he knew thered likely be no recourse.

In addition you have abnormal teen who was so close to me, now completely defying me-- telling me she never liked living here anyway now shes not so into visiting and her dad says she shouldnt feel guilty.

So anyway, I agree. I shouldve not made the agreement, and let him come to New York and try to pull what happened. Hes a married lawyer with 3 kids, Im single. In NY, that wouldnt have mattered--given his lack of interest before then. He did get out of child support though, haha , which he only lowered over the years and his wife who always worked now stays home. Smart guy!

These are kind suggestions, all of which Ive done for most of the time shes been gone, the added frustration of visitation not being enforced and now her not wanting to visit has strained that.. but we texted all day I send jokes- we played games. When she was home it as all very normal, felt like she hadnt left. I drove down there also took her on trips Ive spent a lot of time adjusting to this normal. I cried privately but made the best of it, I truly did. We had a lot of fun and I accepted the situation. But every single visit was a battle from the minute I made this agreement.
Then shed lose her phone there for weeks, and it was a process getting my ex to have her call-- its been nothing but attempts to keep me away. Its finally worked.

Especially during the 6 month trial period where my agreement said she could return home with no issues. We are at a point now though where she hasnt been home in almost a year, and has no interest in sharing those things. Thank you though. My covid additions, were just visitation set backs in addition to a now alienated teen who just isnt all that interested at the moment. Shes winning favor in her new house by shutting me out. Shes also been given the power of being an adult from the minute she started living there, so-- which I think is confusing. In my decade of custody she went to her dad when he requested or his family more often actually. She needed to, even when she was disappointed or upset. I have not gotten the same respect in return. When she comes homes its been wonderful- now were at a point where she isnt at all. And shes been told to " not feel guilty about seeing" me. But thank you so much. Once she does calm down again from I think her confusion and sadness maybe- we will again share in those distant things. For now, I think some of her newest frustration is actually that she hasnt seen me- pushing me away is a tool.

I will ofcourse always be around in whatever normal there is. Hindsight beign what it is, I wouldve never made the agreement. And if I did I woudve had more stipulations on contact and visitation.

[Phiomena]

I wanted to add-- a post note. It has been extremely painful to be alieanated from my daughter. I know she is a senior this year and her age means I can do little. BUt when i had custody for a decade, I would have never considered letting her cut out her father. I do think given no response from my ex husband -about an ykind of alternate visitation plaln- that he is probably gaining something emotionally. I would plead with attorneys on here - to beware of a parent who all of a sudden wants to step in after not having custody. Intentions are not always what they seem. I had no major issue with my daughter before she left, she was a high honor roll student, I felt we were very close. I have been all but erased and there is little I can do about it. It is abusive to children, especially teems to put them in this kind of situation and to bond with them by cutting out a loving good parent.