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  1. #1
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    Jun 2020
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    Default 2 Years Since I Met My 5 Y/O Daughter, Now Mom and Step-Dad Want Me to Go Away

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Kansas


    So 2 years ago, im in CA, I’m 2 years married, my wife is 6 months pregnant, and we JUST posted a gender reveal video on Facebook. The next day i see i was messaged by the mother of a woman I use to sleep with years ago from work back in Missouri. She was married back then, abusive husband story etc. anyway I knew she was pregnant, and I asked her, if it’s mine or her husbands. She said her husbands, we had an hours long talk, and she had no confusion about it and given our feelings, I had zero reason to think this woman would lie to me.. I moved probably 2 weeks later (had already announced the move months before). I had also seen her and talked to her for hours a few months after she was born, i even commented on a Facebook picture of them! (Side note, my sister was her delivery nurse when she was born, technically the second person to ever touch my daughter, we think that’s kinda cool) but she never said a word, my sister had no idea who she was as she wasn’t a relationship that was known to my family, but BM did know she was my sister). Sometime around 1.5 years old husband does DNA test and has rights terminated. Fast forward 5.5-ish years and here I am after a gender reveal. The message just said “you’re my granddaughters father” and began to explain that the “ex” is now married to someone new, lives in Kansas and my daughter had been raised, for 2 years knowing him as her father and if I don’t want to be involved “they won’t even tell my wife” just establish paternity and sign my rights off so husband can adopt. I couldn’t do it. I felt it was unfair to me and my family, my unborn son, and so unfair to the little girl, who one day could show up at my door asking why I didn’t have room for her in my life, even if I did find out later. I said i want to meet her and we fell in love so instantly. We bonded so instantly, friends and family, and even her mom describes it like a movie, that the blood bond was so strong that we just knew instantly how much we would mean to eachother, and I know right away I wasn’t going to let myself fail in this thing.. Her mom was really supportive of us bonding, we also briefly re-romanced. (Save judgements pls, I was legally seperated, mutually agreed to peruse other relationships. BM was filing for divorce, and an actual relationship between WAS an option, for about a year). Her husband did happen to find out about it, this the last he has ever spoken to me, replied to text or calls about my daughter, and basically try to roadblock any attempt I make at visiting. I sent money all the time, Ive spent thousands in flights and hotels and rental cars, brought her to California twice, went to disneyland. Paid her school stuff, her cheer...But shes hardly got to bond with my son. And my wife and i have since Reconnected and strengthened our married (obviously this caused lots of tension) and I’ve been wanting to move forward and have my daughter out to CA more often, for longer times, and begin these discussions with her mom and they never go well. Then I fly out one weekend for her cheer competition, every time we have to go seperate ways she is just inconsolable...crying, won’t let go, it’s so hard. This time in front of her mom and step-dad. They literally had to pull her off me and walk away, I think it got to them. They stopped letting me call almost every day, or atleast us making videos to eachother which we did almost every other day if not every day. And they deleted me from the messenger app I had put on her iPad. They won’t let me and my family have her for the week we planned months ago for summer, and I’m heartbroken. I told them I don’t have a choice and will have to get court ordered visitation, I’m not just going to not try and see my daughter. their response was that I must have got the wrong impression, this isn’t what they wanted for their family, and they still want me to relinquish my rights, then tried to bargain saying they’d make sure i get visitations, like I’m stupid. I told them I was never going to, I am not going to, and I never will relinquish my rights to my daughter and her rights to me. They have since blocked ALL communication, with them and with my daughter, i don’t know if she is sick, i don’t know if she is okay, i don’t know what things they are telling her. Now she’s sending me and my mom messages that she told me 5 years ago, when her ex-husband found out she wasn’t his, that she had a friend message me and I called her crazy and blocked them all, so i “technically abandoned her for 5 years” None of this ever happened! She also sent a text saying “*** knows the truth, i explained things to her perfectly,and that’s all that matters”...but the moment I found out 2 years ago I’ve done nothing but my absolute best to be a good dad for my girl, and I’m really scared she’s going to try and go into this visitation/custody battle with this narrative. When I found out 2 years ago the advice from AB attorney was to see if mom will allow me to establish a relationship BEFORE seeking visitation orders, as their process of reunification would be slow, and also there was the chance that they’d decide step-dad would be better served to stay father. Since she has let me have her overnights unsupervised for well over 60-70 times in 2 years, as well in California twice, I think there’s evidence that they have no distrust in my ability as her parent. I have no criminal record, I’m currently on disability for a back injury but I am still technically working full time and Even on disability my income is decent. I’ve hired an attorney but i want to make sure I’m asking the right questions and making the right moves. What can I do? What’s worst case scenario? Best case? What would a realistic visitation order look like in this situation? I feel like I’m stuck praying that what I’ve done the last 2 years is enough. Because, well it is court, and there are many blown calls in our family law system. I just don’t want to lose my daughter.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    3,167

    Default Re: 2 Years Since I Met My 5 Y/O Daughter, Now Mom and Step-Dad Want Me to Go Away

    You will be ordered to pay child support if you go to court. You will also have to pay for a court ordered DNA test. Do you have legal proof the ex-husbands parental rights were terminated?

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    16,186

    Default Re: 2 Years Since I Met My 5 Y/O Daughter, Now Mom and Step-Dad Want Me to Go Away

    Quote Quoting Wtm09800
    View Post
    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Kansas


    So 2 years ago, im in CA, I’m 2 years married, my wife is 6 months pregnant, and we JUST posted a gender reveal video on Facebook. The next day i see i was messaged by the mother of a woman I use to sleep with years ago from work back in Missouri. She was married back then, abusive husband story etc. anyway I knew she was pregnant, and I asked her, if it’s mine or her husbands. She said her husbands, we had an hours long talk, and she had no confusion about it and given our feelings, I had zero reason to think this woman would lie to me.. I moved probably 2 weeks later (had already announced the move months before). I had also seen her and talked to her for hours a few months after she was born, i even commented on a Facebook picture of them! (Side note, my sister was her delivery nurse when she was born, technically the second person to ever touch my daughter, we think that’s kinda cool) but she never said a word, my sister had no idea who she was as she wasn’t a relationship that was known to my family, but BM did know she was my sister). Sometime around 1.5 years old husband does DNA test and has rights terminated. Fast forward 5.5-ish years and here I am after a gender reveal. The message just said “you’re my granddaughters father” and began to explain that the “ex” is now married to someone new, lives in Kansas and my daughter had been raised, for 2 years knowing him as her father and if I don’t want to be involved “they won’t even tell my wife” just establish paternity and sign my rights off so husband can adopt. I couldn’t do it. I felt it was unfair to me and my family, my unborn son, and so unfair to the little girl, who one day could show up at my door asking why I didn’t have room for her in my life, even if I did find out later. I said i want to meet her and we fell in love so instantly. We bonded so instantly, friends and family, and even her mom describes it like a movie, that the blood bond was so strong that we just knew instantly how much we would mean to eachother, and I know right away I wasn’t going to let myself fail in this thing.. Her mom was really supportive of us bonding, we also briefly re-romanced. (Save judgements pls, I was legally seperated, mutually agreed to peruse other relationships. BM was filing for divorce, and an actual relationship between WAS an option, for about a year). Her husband did happen to find out about it, this the last he has ever spoken to me, replied to text or calls about my daughter, and basically try to roadblock any attempt I make at visiting. I sent money all the time, Ive spent thousands in flights and hotels and rental cars, brought her to California twice, went to disneyland. Paid her school stuff, her cheer...But shes hardly got to bond with my son. And my wife and i have since Reconnected and strengthened our married (obviously this caused lots of tension) and I’ve been wanting to move forward and have my daughter out to CA more often, for longer times, and begin these discussions with her mom and they never go well. Then I fly out one weekend for her cheer competition, every time we have to go seperate ways she is just inconsolable...crying, won’t let go, it’s so hard. This time in front of her mom and step-dad. They literally had to pull her off me and walk away, I think it got to them. They stopped letting me call almost every day, or atleast us making videos to eachother which we did almost every other day if not every day. And they deleted me from the messenger app I had put on her iPad. They won’t let me and my family have her for the week we planned months ago for summer, and I’m heartbroken. I told them I don’t have a choice and will have to get court ordered visitation, I’m not just going to not try and see my daughter. their response was that I must have got the wrong impression, this isn’t what they wanted for their family, and they still want me to relinquish my rights, then tried to bargain saying they’d make sure i get visitations, like I’m stupid. I told them I was never going to, I am not going to, and I never will relinquish my rights to my daughter and her rights to me. They have since blocked ALL communication, with them and with my daughter, i don’t know if she is sick, i don’t know if she is okay, i don’t know what things they are telling her. Now she’s sending me and my mom messages that she told me 5 years ago, when her ex-husband found out she wasn’t his, that she had a friend message me and I called her crazy and blocked them all, so i “technically abandoned her for 5 years” None of this ever happened! She also sent a text saying “*** knows the truth, i explained things to her perfectly,and that’s all that matters”...but the moment I found out 2 years ago I’ve done nothing but my absolute best to be a good dad for my girl, and I’m really scared she’s going to try and go into this visitation/custody battle with this narrative. When I found out 2 years ago the advice from AB attorney was to see if mom will allow me to establish a relationship BEFORE seeking visitation orders, as their process of reunification would be slow, and also there was the chance that they’d decide step-dad would be better served to stay father. Since she has let me have her overnights unsupervised for well over 60-70 times in 2 years, as well in California twice, I think there’s evidence that they have no distrust in my ability as her parent. I have no criminal record, I’m currently on disability for a back injury but I am still technically working full time and Even on disability my income is decent. I’ve hired an attorney but i want to make sure I’m asking the right questions and making the right moves. What can I do? What’s worst case scenario? Best case? What would a realistic visitation order look like in this situation? I feel like I’m stuck praying that what I’ve done the last 2 years is enough. Because, well it is court, and there are many blown calls in our family law system. I just don’t want to lose my daughter.
    That post was extremely difficult to read because it was one big block of text. You could get more responses if you break it up into paragraphs separated by white space.

    However, If you handle things properly court action should result in officially establishing your paternity, officially establishing child support, and officially establishing custody with a parenting time schedule. I recommend that you get an attorney on board.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    3

    Default Re: 2 Years Since I Met My 5 Y/O Daughter, Now Mom and Step-Dad Want Me to Go Away

    Yeah I’m aware of the CS. I’m not made of money or anything, but I want to fight for my kid. I strongly feel me and my family can add so much to her life it wouldn’t be fair for her to not have that chance. Yes, I reached out to her ex husband and got a copy of the decree, he was terminated

    Sorry, I’ll go back and edit it thanks for the advice, I copy and pasted the story for a different forum when I found this one. I do now have an attorney bringing up drafts. However, the attorney in the firm I did the consultation with, who I felt her and I had a pretty good “vibe” I guess, she felt helpful.

    After I paid they actually assigned a different attorney, who isn’t quite as detailed or anything, strictly business , “send me this, here’s that, next do this” kinda guy. Not that it is any indicator he’s not good at his job or not, just that I just feel like I haven’t got any sort of reassurance.

    I’m worried about them literally shutting her out from me, and what kind of the things they might be saying to coach her for court. I’ve witnessed mom manipulate her to hold secrets and guilt her into saying and not saying certain things..it just has my gut wrenching. I will feel better when I know I will have a legal right, just with them wanting this adoption so bad they were willing to text me and my mom that if we don’t voluntarily relinquish rights, they won’t let me see her and won’t “be so nice”

    —-Was that easier to read ?

    Quote Quoting llworking
    View Post
    That post was extremely difficult to read because it was one big block of text. You could get more responses if you break it up into paragraphs separated by white space.

    However, If you handle things properly court action should result in officially establishing your paternity, officially establishing child support, and officially establishing custody with a parenting time schedule. I recommend that you get an attorney on board.

    I’m not any familiar with this platform, can I go back and edit the post? I was able to before the replies, but now don’t see an edit button

    I might as well add myself that I was really under the impression we were working together, and that we were going to get the paternity established, and do things amicably in a way we could negotiate amongst ourselves. Seems did not seem bad, until of course i started getting the “you don’t even have rights you’re not on the BC” things. Then it became apparent thing were going to wrong direction. I had asked her since very early on to get the updated BC without her ex-husbands name on it, as she already had a decree to remove it, just no new copy of the BC. She never did it.

    Few weeks ago, she told me again, “you don’t have rights until you’re on BC, and to do that you’ll have to go to court, and if you do that I’ll go for everything and I will never be nice and giving again including letting your mom see her when you’re not here”

    I mentioned the BC was a technical issue that we would be getting fixed, but that it has her ex-husbands name still because she does not put it as a priority. I wanted to change my daughters last name. We had few discussions about what name we would use, we didn’t agree, we didn’t have extensive convos about it but we both wanted the exes name removed.

    She texted back “lol, I got it some time ago already” and I believe her intent was to change her name without needing me to sign off on it.

    I understand this is a lot, and that there’s bunch of different circumstances. I DO have an attorney now, but he isn’t particular interested in hearing about these things, atleast not yet I guess. Just have a lot of unanswered questions, so I appreciate anybody’s input.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Location
    California
    Posts
    444

    Default Re: 2 Years Since I Met My 5 Y/O Daughter, Now Mom and Step-Dad Want Me to Go Away

    Until a court declares you the legal father, you have no legal rights at all to assert.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    3,167

    Default Re: 2 Years Since I Met My 5 Y/O Daughter, Now Mom and Step-Dad Want Me to Go Away

    Quote Quoting Wtm09800
    View Post
    Yeah I’m aware of the CS. I’m not made of money or anything, but I want to fight for my kid. I strongly feel me and my family can add so much to her life it wouldn’t be fair for her to not have that chance. Yes, I reached out to her ex husband and got a copy of the decree, he was terminated

    Sorry, I’ll go back and edit it thanks for the advice, I copy and pasted the story for a different forum when I found this one. I do now have an attorney bringing up drafts. However, the attorney in the firm I did the consultation with, who I felt her and I had a pretty good “vibe” I guess, she felt helpful.

    After I paid they actually assigned a different attorney, who isn’t quite as detailed or anything, strictly business , “send me this, here’s that, next do this” kinda guy. Not that it is any indicator he’s not good at his job or not, just that I just feel like I haven’t got any sort of reassurance.

    I’m worried about them literally shutting her out from me, and what kind of the things they might be saying to coach her for court. I’ve witnessed mom manipulate her to hold secrets and guilt her into saying and not saying certain things..it just has my gut wrenching. I will feel better when I know I will have a legal right, just with them wanting this adoption so bad they were willing to text me and my mom that if we don’t voluntarily relinquish rights, they won’t let me see her and won’t “be so nice”

    —-Was that easier to read ?




    I’m not any familiar with this platform, can I go back and edit the post? I was able to before the replies, but now don’t see an edit button

    I might as well add myself that I was really under the impression we were working together, and that we were going to get the paternity established, and do things amicably in a way we could negotiate amongst ourselves. Seems did not seem bad, until of course i started getting the “you don’t even have rights you’re not on the BC” things. Then it became apparent thing were going to wrong direction. I had asked her since very early on to get the updated BC without her ex-husbands name on it, as she already had a decree to remove it, just no new copy of the BC. She never did it.

    Few weeks ago, she told me again, “you don’t have rights until you’re on BC, and to do that you’ll have to go to court, and if you do that I’ll go for everything and I will never be nice and giving again including letting your mom see her when you’re not here”

    I mentioned the BC was a technical issue that we would be getting fixed, but that it has her ex-husbands name still because she does not put it as a priority. I wanted to change my daughters last name. We had few discussions about what name we would use, we didn’t agree, we didn’t have extensive convos about it but we both wanted the exes name removed.

    She texted back “lol, I got it some time ago already” and I believe her intent was to change her name without needing me to sign off on it.

    I understand this is a lot, and that there’s bunch of different circumstances. I DO have an attorney now, but he isn’t particular interested in hearing about these things, atleast not yet I guess. Just have a lot of unanswered questions, so I appreciate anybody’s input.
    They can promise you anything. That does not mean they will do what they promise. You have No Legal Rights regarding your daughter at this point. Only a judge can grant you legal rights.

    The person you had the consult with at the law firm may have been a paralegal. You are paying the attorney for results in court. It is not his job to hold your hand and reassure you. Some attorneys have good people skills and some do not. The outcome of your case in your favor is the most important thing.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    347

    Default Re: 2 Years Since I Met My 5 Y/O Daughter, Now Mom and Step-Dad Want Me to Go Away

    Quote Quoting Mercy&Grace
    View Post
    You are paying the attorney for results in court. It is not his job to hold your hand and reassure you.
    This. Thanks to COVID the family and civil courts are very backed up and your attorney is probably slammed. Give the man what he needs as quickly as you can and otherwise stay out of his hair. If you need reassurance seek a therapist, they typically have a lower hourly rate anyway.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    3

    Default Re: 2 Years Since I Met My 5 Y/O Daughter, Now Mom and Step-Dad Want Me to Go Away

    I mean thatís actually why I came here... differing opinions, options, ideas. So I could let the attorney work on it. Said it in the next sentence I didnít believe that meant he isnít doing or isnít good at his job.

    Quote Quoting Mercy&Grace
    View Post

    The person you had the consult with at the law firm may have been a paralegal. You are paying the attorney for results in court. It is not his job to hold your hand and reassure you. Some attorneys have good people skills and some do not. The outcome of your case in your favor is the most important thing.
    Yeah, like I replied to other person, thatís why I came here. Letting my attorney do his work not bothering him.

    Quote Quoting bcr229
    View Post
    This. Thanks to COVID the family and civil courts are very backed up and your attorney is probably slammed. Give the man what he needs as quickly as you can and otherwise stay out of his hair. If you need reassurance seek a therapist, they typically have a lower hourly rate anyway.
    That is why I am here

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    1

    Default Re: 2 Years Since I Met My 5 Y/O Daughter, Now Mom and Step-Dad Want Me to Go Away

    Speaking from experience and lessons learned the very hard way ...

    You were not married to the Mother of your child, or alleged child. You are or would be the Father (not the Mother, or you very likely would not be having these problems to begin with). On a side note, the BC has little to do with anything, but being married in the family ..... , for the Father, can sometimes bring some small benefits.

    My advice/opinion would be to abandon all efforts of fighting this, which will be the Mother, in court. My prediction if you do, is that , to say the least, you wont have any kind of outcome that you might like or want.

    If you can communicate with the Mother in any way, and she's responsive, you should work with her. Establishing paternity will only give you one absolute right, and that will be to pay child support, and that right will also be an ongoing obligation, as I'm sure you already know. The rest of what is told about what goes on in there, is simply so very often not true.

    On a bright note, please remember that these things and circumstances, as all in this life, often change. Sometimes in ways you'd never expect. Try not to get too upset about anything, even when it's wrong and unfair. There will be brighter days for you and your child.

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