Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    3

    Default Divorce, Alimony, High-Conflict

    My question involves a marriage in the state of: Connecticut

    This is my first time here.

    We have been married 26.5 years with four kids. Two are just entering adulthood and the other two are 8 and 12.

    My husband is a high conflict person with a suspected personality disorder (he will not seek therapy, and doesnít think he has a problem). He is verbally and emotionally abusive. Physically too, but not to person, but with stress (pandemic now), heís broken things in fits of anger. He threatens divorce near constantly and belittles me endlessly. I am working on boundaries and not responding to his outbursts.

    So, despite all his threats, I may end up beating him to the punch.

    He has been the primary breadwinner for the length of marriage. I worked outside the home at first, but when children came, started working PT from home. More recently I was working FT, but I left that job last fall and havenít found a new job.

    Even when working FT, he was making 5-6x more than me, but sometimes 10-12x more.

    The stress of the pandemic hit him hard and he has been anxiety ridden since. He chooses not to work at all right now. He could some, but doesnít.

    We have no savings. I have a small inheritance that has been paying bills while he isnít working. I donít want to deplete this.

    My credit sucks (so does his) but I am trying to fix mine. I was trying to fix his, too, but with his refusal to work, I canít focus on him. He likes to take vacations and do things and spend money. I would rather have some financial security, but he made most of the money, so he won.

    I am emotionally battered, but I own my responsibility in it and I should have stood up for myself a long time ago.

    I am happy to share more details, so please let me know if thereís anything that would be helpful.

    My questions ó

    Can I expect any alimony? How much (%age, but happy to share income if that helps)? How long?

    Child support? Does that impact alimony?

    How much would a medium conflict divorce cost? Just a ballpark.

    As I mentioned, he is verbally abusive. I have dozens of abusive text messages. Do they have value in divorce?

    Thank you,
    Sharon

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    17,909

    Default Re: Divorce, Alimony, High-Conflict

    Can I expect any alimony? How much (%age, but happy to share income if that helps)? How long?

    Child support? Does that impact alimony?

    How much would a medium conflict divorce cost? Just a ballpark.
    You want answers to those questions, call an attorney in the AM and make an appointment.

    As I mentioned, he is verbally abusive. I have dozens of abusive text messages. Do they have value in divorce?
    Divorce is probably no-fault. But if you want him out of the house, they may help you get a restraining order that will have the cops remove him from this because "fear that he will harm you."

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    6,886

    Default Re: Divorce, Alimony, High-Conflict

    Quote Quoting SharonP
    View Post
    My questions ó

    Can I expect any alimony? How much (%age, but happy to share income if that helps)? How long?
    Alimony is paid so that after divorce each person can maintain some resemblance of the lifestyle they were used to. There are three types of alimony, temporary (pendente lite), rehabilitative (short-term), and permanent. Temporary is paid until the divorce is final. Rehabilitative is paid so that a spouse can reenter the job market and become self-sufficient. And permanent is paid based on the length of the marriage and each spouses ability to pay to maintain the lifestyle.

    Quote Quoting SharonP
    View Post
    Child support? Does that impact alimony?
    Child support and alimony are two different things and one only impacts the other on the ability of the paying spouse to pay. And if your husband is able to work but refuses to work, the court can impart his earning potential based on his past earnings.

    Quote Quoting SharonP
    View Post
    How much would a medium conflict divorce cost? Just a ballpark.
    That depends on whether the divorce is contested or agreed to, if there are custody issues, problems in dividing up the assets. There are lawyers that will give you a fixed price if it is not complicated. There are lawyers that will charge you by the hour for every little thing they do. I got divorced in NJ for $2,000 fixed to drawer up the papers, negotiate, and appear in court. It took about 5 months. But I know people that paid over $50,000 to get divorced and it took years to settle.

    Quote Quoting SharonP
    View Post
    As I mentioned, he is verbally abusive. I have dozens of abusive text messages. Do they have value in divorce?
    When people don't want to be married the courts these days don't care what the reason is. Most divorces are no-fault meaning you don't have to prove why you want the divorce. The most common ground for a no-fault divorce is "irreconcilable differences" or an "irreparable breakdown of the marriage." But these are issues you need to discuses with an attorney.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    3

    Default Re: Divorce, Alimony, High-Conflict

    Thank you adjusterjack

    I have couple of attorneys in mind. My husband is in legal field so I am moving slowly and deliberately before moving forward.

    He hasn’t physically hurt me. Emotionally devastated. I believe there may be a mood disorder at play. I am not looking to harm him with this concern, but know that I have behaved poorly in response to his verbal attacks so wondering if they support my level of some type of PTSD. Example —late paying bills because he was mad at me and withheld his pay and I didn’t want to deal with his outbursts by asking. His outbursts include all out verbal assaults, occasionally throwing/breaking things, leaving for days with no communication. Constant name calling and belittling. I’m not looking to disparage him. In fact, I’m also concerned this could negatively impact his career, so then that impacts us all. But rather to explain some small missteps I’ve made out of fear of triggering him.

    I’m okay with no fault as long as that works both ways. He deliberately makes me responsible for big responsibilities and absolves himself. I should have kept better track, but constantly shifting payment and busy with household and kids, just did the best I could.

    I don’t need him out of the house. I think we can co-exist for the most part. We do now. He’s checked out of our relationship. Tells me we can co-parent and that we’ll divorce. He’s made these threats for years. I’m just done with them.

    Anyway, that’s why I’m trying to quietly gather info prior to seeking counsel. I believe it could get back to him, even if it shouldn’t.

    Thank you for your reply.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    3,972

    Default Re: Divorce, Alimony, High-Conflict

    Quote Quoting SharonP
    View Post
    My husband is a high conflict person with a suspected personality disorder (he will not seek therapy, and doesn’t think he has a problem).
    Quote Quoting SharonP
    View Post
    I believe there may be a mood disorder at play.
    You might want to stop your habit of saying your husband has a mental disorder. You have mentioned nothing that shows you are qualified to make such a diagnosis and it isn't going to help you in court.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    3

    Default Re: Divorce, Alimony, High-Conflict

    Hi Payrol Guy,

    You are correct. I am not qualified. I have just been on the receiving end of rage texts that lasted for days/weeks. Other family members have seen it and received it. My T believes it is what I’m dealing with.

    He has thrown things and broken things purposefully and willfully and then either doesn’t remember why or gaslights the story.

    Again, I am NOT looking to disparage him. I’ve been told that this won’t matter in a divorce, BUT the fact is that these are things I’m dealing with and I need to understand how to handle divorce when dealing with a high-conflict person. I understand that the courts may not/will not even entertain these stories, but it does distinctly impact my approach.

    I do not mean to offend. I have been married to him for 26 years and have seen the shift from where we started to where we are. I researched why and found Stop Walking on Eggshells, which profoundly described what I was living with. I have worked on MY communication and validating and empathy and not justifying/defending or explaining as those trigger him (and a lot of people with personality disorders - story after story of exact behaviors). This was all done to make ME a better partner and try to heal the relationship. I have spent countless hours working on me and us.

    So, while I don’t have an advanced degree in psychology, I entered my research with profound hope to fix. I do not want to bury him, the father of my children. What I want often doesn’t come into play. Reality is that something is happening with him. His partner sees it, his friends, his family.

    But ultimately I know I can’t “use” this undiagnosed diagnosis in court, but I am very much living with it and i will have to consider it when proceeding.

    1. Sponsored Links
       

Similar Threads

  1. Modification of Custody: Dealing With a High Conflict Divorce and Custody Battle
    By pleasemakeitstop in forum Child Custody, Support and Visitation
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 03-24-2018, 05:31 PM
  2. Emancipation: Can a Teenager Get Emancipated Due to a High Conflict Divorce
    By madisontitus in forum Juvenile Law
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 12-07-2016, 07:22 AM
  3. Spousal Support and Alimony: When Will You Have to Pay Alimony After a Divorce
    By 5even in forum Divorce, Annulment and Separation
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 11-29-2013, 02:35 PM
  4. Spousal Support and Alimony: Alimony Award is Too High
    By icemanwbs in forum Divorce, Annulment and Separation
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 06-28-2013, 09:20 PM
  5. Spousal Support and Alimony: Divorce and Alimony
    By AmiCamer in forum Divorce, Annulment and Separation
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 01-24-2013, 09:20 AM
 
 
Sponsored Links

Legal Help, Information and Resources