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  1. #1

    Default 15yo Not Visiting/Living the Custodial Parent

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: NY
    I am the Custodial parent. The other parent is supposed to have the child every other weekend+mid-week dinner. Since two years back after the ex refused to pay child support and I took him to court to have alimony/child support go through CSE he started working on the child trying to turn him against me. My son is now 15yo and has anxiety and ADHD. The child has at times spent a day or so extra with the father in the past. Over the summer this year he was there for two weeks straight. The relationship between the father and child is extremely volatile, and what typically ends up happening is that they fight and the father throws him out and refuses to communicate with the child. After a while he starts to communicate with child. He will withhold love and property from child until he get the child to obey him. During our vacation the child was in constant contact with the father via text, FaceTime and calls where he was reporting everything we were doing. The father was ridiculing all we did together including my family. While away my son told me that the father had decided that he was going to live him duirng the school year. I heard this twice from my son. Not once have the father contacted me regarding this. Now a week back and my son has been with him this entire time. Granted my son is 15, and at the moment says he wants to be there, what are my options?

  2. #2
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    Default Re: 15yo Not Visiting/Living the Custodial Parent

    Being 15 does not matter squat. Kids don't get to choose at the age of 15. Or 16. Or even 17. If the court order says Kiddo lives with you, then Kiddo lives with you. If the court order says that Kiddo visits the NCP, then Kiddo visits the NCP. Neither you nor the other parent has any option at all other than to follow the court order. Now, if one of you wants to go back and see if you can get the court order changed, there's nothing stopping either of you from trying that. (Please note that trying is not succeeding.) But the court order rules for a minimum of another three years, and seeing that you're in NY, possibly another six. If the order is changed by the court, then THAT order rules.

  3. #3

    Default Re: 15yo Not Visiting/Living the Custodial Parent

    Thank you! The other parent's goal is to punish me for being me, has no real interest in child. What besides from going to court for him not following the divorce decree do you think I can do?

  4. #4
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    Default Re: 15yo Not Visiting/Living the Custodial Parent

    What more do you need?

  5. #5
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    Default Re: 15yo Not Visiting/Living the Custodial Parent

    Quote Quoting bjornenolejonet
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    Thank you! The other parent's goal is to punish me for being me, has no real interest in child. What besides from going to court for him not following the divorce decree do you think I can do?
    You take a copy of your custody orders with you and you go pick up your child. If dad does not release him to you, you call the police and hope they will help you retrieve the child from dad. If dad still does not cooperate you go to court to file for an emergency pickup orders that will require the police to help you retrieve the child. In other words, you be proactive.

    Another option would be to pick the child up from school early on your next scheduled parenting day, and keep the child until dad's next day. You do that every time if you have to. Of course, dad could do the same thing so really, getting the courts involved if the police won't help is all you can do to truly make it stick.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: 15yo Not Visiting/Living the Custodial Parent

    Quote Quoting bjornenolejonet
    View Post
    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: NY
    I am the Custodial parent. The other parent is supposed to have the child every other weekend+mid-week dinner. Since two years back after the ex refused to pay child support and I took him to court to have alimony/child support go through CSE he started working on the child trying to turn him against me. My son is now 15yo and has anxiety and ADHD. The child has at times spent a day or so extra with the father in the past. Over the summer this year he was there for two weeks straight. The relationship between the father and child is extremely volatile, and what typically ends up happening is that they fight and the father throws him out and refuses to communicate with the child. After a while he starts to communicate with child. He will withhold love and property from child until he get the child to obey him. During our vacation the child was in constant contact with the father via text, FaceTime and calls where he was reporting everything we were doing. The father was ridiculing all we did together including my family. While away my son told me that the father had decided that he was going to live him duirng the school year. I heard this twice from my son. Not once have the father contacted me regarding this. Now a week back and my son has been with him this entire time. Granted my son is 15, and at the moment says he wants to be there, what are my options?
    Two weeks by the custody order is typical. Is that the case with yours? If so, it is a non-issue.

    How do you know he "withholds love"? You tire not observing the relationship on dad's tine and are obviously placing it is a poor light in order to try to prove yourself the better parent. Children try to garner sympathy by playing one parent against the other. As long as he is not being abused, you cannot complain. If he is, contact your child protective services agency and make a report.

    Prohibiting a child from using his property ( especially electronics and phone) are perfectly acceptable ways of disciplining a child. I ex[ect you do the same or similar thing.

    Are you saying you never speak with your child on dad's time?

    You have received excellent advice about having the child return to your home. However, you need to review your expectations; I believe you are deriding dad for doing what you yourself do.

  7. #7

    Default Re: 15yo Not Visiting/Living the Custodial Parent

    And if the child is refusing to go with you, then what? Impossible for me to go to school to pick him up since I work full time.

    Quote Quoting OKisNotOK
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    Two weeks by the custody order is typical. Is that the case with yours? If so, it is a non-issue.

    How do you know he "withholds love"? You tire not observing the relationship on dad's tine and are obviously placing it is a poor light in order to try to prove yourself the better parent. Children try to garner sympathy by playing one parent against the other. As long as he is not being abused, you cannot complain. If he is, contact your child protective services agency and make a report.

    Prohibiting a child from using his property ( especially electronics and phone) are perfectly acceptable ways of disciplining a child. I ex[ect you do the same or similar thing.

    Are you saying you never speak with your child on dad's time?

    You have received excellent advice about having the child return to your home. However, you need to review your expectations; I believe you are deriding dad for doing what you yourself do.
    Not sure what it is that you are referring to with the two weeks.

    When the child is with me and I see and overhear their interaction, I know the father withhold love until he gets what he wants. Same as he did with me during our 22 years together.

    Rarely do I speak with my child during dad's time. I send short messages with little or no response. Sometimes the response will be: what do you want.

    If the dad was a good parent he would follow the divorce decree and not try to sabotage the relationship between child and mother. He would not use the child as a pawn to get at the mother. The decree stipulates that correspendence be via email or text, but the father instead has the child call on his phone over and over, then when I answer he hicks the phone. If the dad wanted to spend more time with the child, why not utilize the mid-week dinner. Something he never have done. DOnp't tell me I am trying to deride the father, he does an excellent job doing that himself.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: 15yo Not Visiting/Living the Custodial Parent

    Summer visitation is usually several WEEKJ not just EOW.

    Why are you listening to child's communications with his father. Stop spying on them.

    Why should dad not be allowed phone calls? I expect you are allowed to call the child. You admit you contact the child on dad'd time but don't want dad to contact the child on your time which far exceeds his.

    Sweetie, from your posts it can be inferred that you are doing a good job sabotaging your relationship with the child all on your own. You obviously need a class on parenting ADHD teenage boys which is an extremely challenging job. And it will get worse before it gets better once they are 18 and you no longer have any legal authority over them.

    I know I have one who is now an adult and is still VERY challenging. I cannot count the times he shows up on our doorstep at 3am wanting to go to breakfast with his dad. It is enough to make a mother want to run away from home to escape the chaos. My advice, adjust your attitude and make an effort to work with dad for the benefit of the child. Be flexible. Stop belittling dad. Someone has to take the first step. With your attitude projected here, I suspect dad is tired of the games mothers tend to play - especially overprotective ones.

    The best advice I have ever been given (by two very good psychologists when my child was in college) is that ADHD kids function socially at 2/3rds their chronological age. With three other non-ADHD kids, I had a good idea of what to expect at different ages. When I started expecting my 18 year old to act as his siblings did at 12, life became much easier on us all. We sent a 12 very academically gifted and socially inept kid to college and wondered why things did not go well. He went back at 30 and things were much better.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: 15yo Not Visiting/Living the Custodial Parent

    Quote Quoting bjornenolejonet
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    And if the child is refusing to go with you, then what? Impossible for me to go to school to pick him up since I work full time.



    Not sure what it is that you are referring to with the two weeks.

    When the child is with me and I see and overhear their interaction, I know the father withhold love until he gets what he wants. Same as he did with me during our 22 years together.

    Rarely do I speak with my child during dad's time. I send short messages with little or no response. Sometimes the response will be: what do you want.

    If the dad was a good parent he would follow the divorce decree and not try to sabotage the relationship between child and mother. He would not use the child as a pawn to get at the mother. The decree stipulates that correspendence be via email or text, but the father instead has the child call on his phone over and over, then when I answer he hicks the phone. If the dad wanted to spend more time with the child, why not utilize the mid-week dinner. Something he never have done. DOnp't tell me I am trying to deride the father, he does an excellent job doing that himself.
    Please disregard the other poster. There is a serious bias going on there. Dad appears to be violating the orders in more than one way. Once you get this emergency resolved you really need to take him to court for contempt for violating the orders.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: 15yo Not Visiting/Living the Custodial Parent

    Quote Quoting llworking
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    Please disregard the other poster. There is a serious bias going on there. Dad appears to be violating the orders in more than one way. Once you get this emergency resolved you really need to take him to court for contempt for violating the orders.
    If dad had posted, I would have said the same thing to him. Reread OP's posts. This is a case of perfect parent syndrome where the other parent can do no right Dad should not be keeping the child but mom's complaints are absurd, Most NCP's get more than 2 weeks during the summer, and she is complaining. She complains about contact on her time yet she does it on his time. and so forth. I suspect the child is the most adult of the 3 even though he is acting like a 10YO if he is running true to form for an ADHD kid. Her bashing dad and dad being stupid will come back to haunt them. Someone has to take the first step; since it obviously is more important to OP, she needs to do it and QYB.

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