15yo Not Visiting/Living the Custodial Parent

[bjornenolejonet]

If dad had posted, I would have said the same thing to him. Reread OP's posts. This is a case of perfect parent syndrome where the other parent can do no right Dad should not be keeping the child but mom's complaints are absurd, Most NCP's get more than 2 weeks during the summer, and she is complaining. She complains about contact on her time yet she does it on his time. and so forth. I suspect the child is the most adult of the 3 even though he is acting like a 10YO if he is running true to form for an ADHD kid. Her bashing dad and dad being stupid will come back to haunt them. Someone has to take the first step; since it obviously is more important to OP, she needs to do it and QYB.

First, not once did I say the father is not allowed to contact child on my parental time. The fact of the matter is that we have a divorce decree which the father is not following. We each have two weeks summer vacation with the child. Other than that the child is supposed to live with me. But keep bashing me for asking for advise on how to resolve this contempt issue.

Please disregard the other poster. There is a serious bias going on there. Dad appears to be violating the orders in more than one way. Once you get this emergency resolved you really need to take him to court for contempt for violating the orders.

Thank you for understanding! The father is in contempt on several different areas of our divroce decree, but this is the most serious one. I want to give my son chance to be with the father but also don't want the father to hijack the child from what is in the decree. He is constantly bashing me and starts inappropriate conversation with the child such as our court proceeding etc. It is a delicate matter and I wanted to get advice on how to proceed with possible not involving the courts.

[comment/ator]

Get your child into counseling. You yourself get into counseling with a good therapist who will help you learn assertion, detatchment, and how to deal with a teenager who is playing both ends against the middle here. You and your ex are fighting through this child, and he is right in the middle of this and taking full advantage of it. It doesn't matter HOW many times your husband has your son call you and then he picks up. Hang up immediately. Contact him and communicate with him only through the recommended channels. Save records of all such communications.

Make SURE you are not getting manipulated into fighting by the father. He is maybe doing things you don't want him to do, but as a therapist will help you realize, you cannot control anyone else's (adult) behavior but your own. Your child's behavior, you have some degree of control over. Learn how to do this effectively. Be the one who follows the court orders as closely as possible.

Don't get all resentful about what dad is saying and doing. He's paying the child support, he's got the child on certain times and at certain days. During that time, let them work things out between themselves. The child will have to learn what his father is good for, what his father is really like. You can't protect him from this truth.

Work on what goes on between yourself and the child while he is with you. Be the one who is the grown up and the mature one in this situation. It will look better for you if you have gotten the boy into counseling if you do have to go to court. It will help wonderfully if YOU can get yourself into counseling to help you control and figure out how the best way for you to respond to this ex and this parenting situation might be. As for, "I can't pick him up because I have to work" I suspect you'd probably say, "I don't have time to get him into counseling because I have to work, I don't have the money to go to counseling myself" like people say they don't have the money to hire an attorney to represent them and there you go. Back to the same old thing you've been doing, which isn't working, is making you crazy.

[llworking]

First, not once did I say the father is not allowed to contact child on my parental time. The fact of the matter is that we have a divorce decree which the father is not following. We each have two weeks summer vacation with the child. Other than that the child is supposed to live with me. But keep bashing me for asking for advise on how to resolve this contempt issue.




Thank you for understanding! The father is in contempt on several different areas of our divroce decree, but this is the most serious one. I want to give my son chance to be with the father but also don't want the father to hijack the child from what is in the decree. He is constantly bashing me and starts inappropriate conversation with the child such as our court proceeding etc. It is a delicate matter and I wanted to get advice on how to proceed with possible not involving the courts.

You cannot proceed without involving the courts. You MUST involve the courts. You have no other option to enforce the divorce decree unless you want to go the route of picking the child up early from school and keeping him...and that it not a long term solution.

[bjornenolejonet]

Get your child into counseling. You yourself get into counseling with a good therapist who will help you learn assertion, detatchment, and how to deal with a teenager who is playing both ends against the middle here. You and your ex are fighting through this child, and he is right in the middle of this and taking full advantage of it. It doesn't matter HOW many times your husband has your son call you and then he picks up. Hang up immediately. Contact him and communicate with him only through the recommended channels. Save records of all such communications.

Make SURE you are not getting manipulated into fighting by the father. He is maybe doing things you don't want him to do, but as a therapist will help you realize, you cannot control anyone else's (adult) behavior but your own. Your child's behavior, you have some degree of control over. Learn how to do this effectively. Be the one who follows the court orders as closely as possible.

Don't get all resentful about what dad is saying and doing. He's paying the child support, he's got the child on certain times and at certain days. During that time, let them work things out between themselves. The child will have to learn what his father is good for, what his father is really like. You can't protect him from this truth.

Work on what goes on between yourself and the child while he is with you. Be the one who is the grown up and the mature one in this situation. It will look better for you if you have gotten the boy into counseling if you do have to go to court. It will help wonderfully if YOU can get yourself into counseling to help you control and figure out how the best way for you to respond to this ex and this parenting situation might be. As for, "I can't pick him up because I have to work" I suspect you'd probably say, "I don't have time to get him into counseling because I have to work, I don't have the money to go to counseling myself" like people say they don't have the money to hire an attorney to represent them and there you go. Back to the same old thing you've been doing, which isn't working, is making you crazy.

Thank you for the great advice! My son definitely counseling, as do I. He was in counseling, the therapist was chosen by the father to make it easier on all parts. Then the therapist saw straight through the ex, so he told my son he wasn't allowed to see him anymore. And unfortunately the child listen, if he doesn't he knows there will be hell from the father. I do try to follow the agreement to a T. Typically what happens when my child has been with the father for a while is that they fight and father throws him out. But counseling for me would be great so I can vent and learn how to navigate through this mess. Counseling can be done in the evening so no problem there. Father has told child that none of "my" doctors are good so he is refusing to go with me to any. Poor kid. Hopefully he will realize what is going on soon enough and not being too damaged from it.

You cannot proceed without involving the courts. You MUST involve the courts. You have no other option to enforce the divorce decree unless you want to go the route of picking the child up early from school and keeping him...and that it not a long term solution.

My worry about going through the court is that the child will still stay with the dad and resent me. But I can't worry about that. Ex is doing all he can to try and control and sabotage for me. I know you have read a few of my post and given great advice before. I will contact my lawtyer this week for this as well as getting the house sold. Thank you!

Get your child into counseling. You yourself get into counseling with a good therapist who will help you learn assertion, detatchment, and how to deal with a teenager who is playing both ends against the middle here. You and your ex are fighting through this child, and he is right in the middle of this and taking full advantage of it. It doesn't matter HOW many times your husband has your son call you and then he picks up. Hang up immediately. Contact him and communicate with him only through the recommended channels. Save records of all such communications.

Make SURE you are not getting manipulated into fighting by the father. He is maybe doing things you don't want him to do, but as a therapist will help you realize, you cannot control anyone else's (adult) behavior but your own. Your child's behavior, you have some degree of control over. Learn how to do this effectively. Be the one who follows the court orders as closely as possible.

Don't get all resentful about what dad is saying and doing. He's paying the child support, he's got the child on certain times and at certain days. During that time, let them work things out between themselves. The child will have to learn what his father is good for, what his father is really like. You can't protect him from this truth.

Work on what goes on between yourself and the child while he is with you. Be the one who is the grown up and the mature one in this situation. It will look better for you if you have gotten the boy into counseling if you do have to go to court. It will help wonderfully if YOU can get yourself into counseling to help you control and figure out how the best way for you to respond to this ex and this parenting situation might be. As for, "I can't pick him up because I have to work" I suspect you'd probably say, "I don't have time to get him into counseling because I have to work, I don't have the money to go to counseling myself" like people say they don't have the money to hire an attorney to represent them and there you go. Back to the same old thing you've been doing, which isn't working, is making you crazy.

Thank you! I had the child in cousneling before, the father ruined that and put a stop to it. I have set up an appointment w a counselor for myself for this week to get help on how to navigate the relationship between myself and my son. I have reached out to my attorney to inquire about my legal options. So tragic when one parent uses the child to get back at you.

[bjornenolejonet]

UPDATE: I was served with papers to modify custody and to have me pay child support to the father who stole my child. Going to court today to file a writ (Habeas Corpus) and violation of custody. My attorney thinks in the end I don't have much of a chance as my son is so old. But to have any shot we have to do this. Feel sick to my stomach.