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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    Default Re: Should You File to Modify Custody or Wait For Your Ex- to File

    Quote Quoting Mark47n
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    Yes, my response was a bit tongue in cheek and over broad but it was intended to be. There is not right to personal time, there's no right to babysitters, and life can be really tough. That said, what you're suggesting, 5 minutes here and there is reasonable and it's doable and requires a bit of discipline. It also becomes easier as kids get older. When my kids were 11 or so my wife and I would go for short walks to get out of the house and leave them to fend for themselves for half an hour to an hour. Also, I don't really think that 5 minutes was what the OP was talking about.

    As to the ultimatums: pushing ultimatums is never a good idea. It forces negative decisions and often backfires, just look at our president. Trying to get such stringent terms in a parenting plan is unlikely and I'd be willing to bet that it makes a bad situation worse.,
    Its actually not unusual to have stringent terms in a parenting plan. Particularly on an issue that one parent seriously inconveniences another parent about. Tardiness for pickup and dropoff is often one of those issues. It is not uncommon to have a clause that says that the parent must notify the other parent 48 hrs in advance that they will be exercising their parenting time, and if they do not show up on time they lose the visit. Its also not uncommon that if they do not pickup within a specific amount of time from the pickup time, that they lose the visit.

    I knew of a parent out there in the world who is a registered nurse. When her children were young she worked double shifts every other weekend and one day a week (the weekends and days when her ex was supposed to have the children) and she made enough money to support herself and the kids working just those days, so she could be home with them the rest of the time. Her ex got really bad about not showing up to pick up the kids on time and/or cancelling the entire visit. The judge ordered that her ex had to either exercise his parenting time, on time, or pay for a 24 hour per day babysitter.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    138

    Default Re: Should You File to Modify Custody or Wait For Your Ex- to File

    Quote Quoting llworking
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    Its actually not unusual to have stringent terms in a parenting plan. Particularly on an issue that one parent seriously inconveniences another parent about. Tardiness for pickup and dropoff is often one of those issues. It is not uncommon to have a clause that says that the parent must notify the other parent 48 hrs in advance that they will be exercising their parenting time, and if they do not show up on time they lose the visit. Its also not uncommon that if they do not pickup within a specific amount of time from the pickup time, that they lose the visit.

    I knew of a parent out there in the world who is a registered nurse. When her children were young she worked double shifts every other weekend and one day a week (the weekends and days when her ex was supposed to have the children) and she made enough money to support herself and the kids working just those days, so she could be home with them the rest of the time. Her ex got really bad about not showing up to pick up the kids on time and/or cancelling the entire visit. The judge ordered that her ex had to either exercise his parenting time, on time, or pay for a 24 hour per day babysitter.
    thank you for writing this! Since we will be going back to court anyway I will see that we can include something like that.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
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    641

    Default Re: Should You File to Modify Custody or Wait For Your Ex- to File

    Quote Quoting qwaspolk69
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    That's not what the person I replied to said though. He said that as a parent you don't get personal time until the child is an adult. That is false. Parents do not just become slaves to their children 24/7 and have nothing for themselves. Yes we sacrifice - but we have to take care of ourselves or we can't take care of our kids. Especially as a single parent.
    And that's not who I was replying to.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
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    Default Re: Should You File to Modify Custody or Wait For Your Ex- to File

    Quote Quoting llworking
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    Its actually not unusual to have stringent terms in a parenting plan. Particularly on an issue that one parent seriously inconveniences another parent about. Tardiness for pickup and dropoff is often one of those issues. It is not uncommon to have a clause that says that the parent must notify the other parent 48 hrs in advance that they will be exercising their parenting time, and if they do not show up on time they lose the visit. Its also not uncommon that if they do not pickup within a specific amount of time from the pickup time, that they lose the visit.

    I knew of a parent out there in the world who is a registered nurse. When her children were young she worked double shifts every other weekend and one day a week (the weekends and days when her ex was supposed to have the children) and she made enough money to support herself and the kids working just those days, so she could be home with them the rest of the time. Her ex got really bad about not showing up to pick up the kids on time and/or cancelling the entire visit. The judge ordered that her ex had to either exercise his parenting time, on time, or pay for a 24 hour per day babysitter.
    If dad is already not reliable then the only person that will suffer from this will be the kid and mom. Mom will still be inconvenienced, not dad. That's my whole point.

    That these terms exist doesn't mean that they are a good idea or are productive. It also flies in the face of wanting to work with dad. It becomes a cudgel to beat dad with which leads to resentment and a contentious relationship for decades to come. If dad's only sin (as a parent) is that he's unreliable due to his work schedule (sound familiar OP?) then all your doing is making things worse.
    "Where do those stairs go?"
    "They go up!"

  5. #25
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    138

    Default Re: Should You File to Modify Custody or Wait For Your Ex- to File

    Quote Quoting Mark47n
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    If dad is already not reliable then the only person that will suffer from this will be the kid and mom. Mom will still be inconvenienced, not dad. That's my whole point.

    That these terms exist doesn't mean that they are a good idea or are productive. It also flies in the face of wanting to work with dad. It becomes a cudgel to beat dad with which leads to resentment and a contentious relationship for decades to come. If dad's only sin (as a parent) is that he's unreliable due to his work schedule (sound familiar OP?) then all your doing is making things worse.
    He is not unreliable due to his work schedule ... or at least he was not at the beginning. A simple text "I am running late because of work/traffic" would help. But he does not do that. Because of his work schedule we had agreed to pu Saturdays, to make it easier for him. But even then he was not reliable and was always late. And I am not talking about 10-15 minutes late but rather 2 hours before even notifying me that he was coming to get her.

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    15,494

    Default Re: Should You File to Modify Custody or Wait For Your Ex- to File

    Quote Quoting Mark47n
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    If dad is already not reliable then the only person that will suffer from this will be the kid and mom. Mom will still be inconvenienced, not dad. That's my whole point.

    That these terms exist doesn't mean that they are a good idea or are productive. It also flies in the face of wanting to work with dad. It becomes a cudgel to beat dad with which leads to resentment and a contentious relationship for decades to come. If dad's only sin (as a parent) is that he's unreliable due to his work schedule (sound familiar OP?) then all your doing is making things worse.
    And dad being unreliable also lead to resentment and a contentious relationship for (decades seems overly dramatic) but for the long term anyway.
    You are placing the entire burden of things on mom in this scenario. You are treating dad's job as more important than mom's, particularly at a moment in time where dad is also being unreliable about child support...hence mom needing to take on the extra hours at work.

    Its one thing to be reasonably flexible with the other parent. Its another thing entirely to allow the other parent to walk all over you.

    My ex was horribly unreliable for a while. It drove me crazy. At the time we did not have court orders but the agreement was that he would spend the day with her every Saturday (as well as other times but this has to do with Saturday). I generally would run errands and things while he had her. Well, he got to the point where he was coming later and later to pick her up and I was getting more and more frustrated waiting around for him.

    I finally told him that I thought he was being very inconsiderate and explained why. I told him that if I knew from the get go that he wasn't going to show up until late afternoon that I would just take the child with me while I ran my errands instead of waiting for him. Since my ex was basically a decent guy he understood and from that point on made it a point to tell me on Friday what time he would be there on Saturday, and showed up within at least 30 minutes of when he said he would show up.

    However, most people who are that inconsiderate are not like my ex. Most of them need a judge to order them to be considerate or face consequences.

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