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  1. #11
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
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    273

    Default Re: Joining the Military with Wife That Has Kids from Previous Marriage

    Given the age of the children (4 & 6), the entire summer away from the CP is likely to be difficult for the children if she does not have visitation. If the distance requires air travel, someone will have to accompany them. This cost should not fall on dad. How likely is it that OP and mother can afford this on a military salary.

    We also do not know who created the distance originally; EOW may have been the best option at that time given the age of the children several years ago.

    I really wish people would consider the long term logistics before they add another child to a potential family dynamic such as this.

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
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    47.606 N 122.332 W in body, still at 90 S in my mind.
    Posts
    1,678

    Default Re: Joining the Military with Wife That Has Kids from Previous Marriage

    Just hate putting her in this situation but the idea of being confined to this state for 12 to 18 years and not being able to pursue my dreams would create overwhelming resentment. I know the resentment will be there if she gives up custody too.
    This indicates that you are definitely placing you desires ahead of your GF's needs. Also, as I read your posts they read as someone who is negotiating a lease/purchase agreement. You'll be providing this and you'll be able to provide that if only you'll allow your (the father's) kids to move to some post as yet TBD.

    I'm sure that your need to do this thing, which is guaranteed to maximize complications with/for your GF, is causing resentment. As your two aren't married it also means that the army won't consider her at all.

    Look, if your plan is cast in stone, you're reenlisting, then you should accept the consequences of that, plan on leaving you GF, being an absent father and, suck it up. If not, if you plan on placing your GF's needs, and her children's, then you need to come eye to eye with the term "self-sacrifice". That's where you do the thing you don't WANT to do so as to meet your loved ones NEEDS. As self-sacrifice is a huge part of parenting, this will be a first step towards a rewarding career of subsuming all of your desires for another, both wife and children.

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    16,474

    Default Re: Joining the Military with Wife That Has Kids from Previous Marriage

    Quote Quoting OKisNotOK
    View Post
    Given the age of the children (4 & 6), the entire summer away from the CP is likely to be difficult for the children if she does not have visitation. If the distance requires air travel, someone will have to accompany them. This cost should not fall on dad. How likely is it that OP and mother can afford this on a military salary.

    We also do not know who created the distance originally; EOW may have been the best option at that time given the age of the children several years ago.

    I really wish people would consider the long term logistics before they add another child to a potential family dynamic such as this.
    That doesn't change the fact that the judge will have to make the decision based on the best interest of the children, not the best interest of either parent.

  4. #14
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
    Posts
    35,894

    Default Re: Joining the Military with Wife That Has Kids from Previous Marriage

    Quote Quoting Mark47n
    View Post
    This indicates that you are definitely placing you desires ahead of your GF's needs. Also, as I read your posts they read as someone who is negotiating a lease/purchase agreement. You'll be providing this and you'll be able to provide that if only you'll allow your (the father's) kids to move to some post as yet TBD.

    I'm sure that your need to do this thing, which is guaranteed to maximize complications with/for your GF, is causing resentment. As your two aren't married it also means that the army won't consider her at all.

    Look, if your plan is cast in stone, you're reenlisting, then you should accept the consequences of that, plan on leaving you GF, being an absent father and, suck it up. If not, if you plan on placing your GF's needs, and her children's, then you need to come eye to eye with the term "self-sacrifice". That's where you do the thing you don't WANT to do so as to meet your loved ones NEEDS. As self-sacrifice is a huge part of parenting, this will be a first step towards a rewarding career of subsuming all of your desires for another, both wife and children.
    I wish we had a "like" button.

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    273

    Default Re: Joining the Military with Wife That Has Kids from Previous Marriage

    Quote Quoting llworking
    View Post
    That doesn't change the fact that the judge will have to make the decision based on the best interest of the children, not the best interest of either parent.
    As it should be. I just wish the mother and OP would do so as well. Then there is the baby on the way to be considered in the future. It is a sad situation.

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Behind a Desk
    Posts
    98,846

    Default Re: Joining the Military with Wife That Has Kids from Previous Marriage

    Quote Quoting SmoothRunner1
    View Post
    I live in Texas. I am joining back up with the military. Will be going back into active army life. I am about to get married to a woman I've been with for 2 + years. She has 2 children from a previous marriage and is pregnant with my child.
    The place for mom to start is by seeing if her ex- will agree to her relocation. If he will, she can petition for modification of the custody order based upon his consent. If he will not, then she can petition with knowledge that she'll have to overcome his objection.

    If he objects, one strategy would be to schedule the hearing on her petition for a date after your wedding but before you enlist, with your wife petitioning the court to lift the geographic restriction from the judgment to allow relocation after you enlist and relocate. You can enlist first, but as others have pointed out that can create problems for you if the petition is denied. She could petition with the hearing date scheduled before the wedding, but if the court senses that you and she may call off the wedding if she's not allowed to move you may cause the court to question the seriousness of your relationship.

    If you have already enlisted, then you have little choice but to proceed and that the court sees things your (future) wife's way -- but you will be far from the first case that has come before that court where a parent sought to relocate due to a spouse's employment or military deployment.
    Quote Quoting free9man
    View Post
    If the judge were to allow her to move outside of the state due to your PCS while retaining primary custody she would be responsible for travel/transportation costs to get the kids to the NCP for their visitation
    That type of statement is frequently made, but is in fact a possibility that should be considered, not the certainty that some people suggest. It can be a negotiating point or an offer that may be made in court, if the parents creating the distance want to make the offer to cover all costs and are certain that it won't create economic hardship.
    Quote Quoting SmoothRunner1
    View Post
    She and I are also willing to negate child support if the NCP is willing to cover half the transportation.
    Modifying child support from the state formula is not as easy as that. Besides, if it all comes out in the wash, it makes more sense to keep the child support and let the court make a determination on the division travel costs. However, as this recent memorandum opinion suggests, it may be possible to convince a court to go along with a plan to modify or terminate child support in association with a requirement that parents share long-distance travel costs.
    Quote Quoting llworking
    View Post
    I do not see this as quite a dire as others do.
    Nor do I.

    I don't see a need for a parent to offer visitation beyond what is typical in a long-distance parenting plan; but if that's acceptable to the mother and allows her to get the father's consent without having to go to court, it's an option.

    The general rule for modification of custody is set forth by statute:
    Quote Quoting Texas Family Code, Sec. Sec. 156.101. Grounds for Modification of an Order Establishing Conservatorship or Possession or Access
    (a) The court may modify an order that provides for the appointment of a conservator of a child, that provides the terms and conditions of conservatorship, or that provides for the possession of or access to a child if modification would be in the best interest of the child and:

    (1) the circumstances of the child, a conservator, or other party affected by the order have materially and substantially changed since the earlier of:

    (A) the date of the rendition of the order; or

    (B) the date of the signing of a mediated or collaborative law settlement agreement on which the order is based;

    (2) the child is at least 12 years of age and has expressed to the court in chambers as provided by Section 153.009 the name of the person who is the child's preference to have the exclusive right to designate the primary residence of the child; or

    (3) the conservator who has the exclusive right to designate the primary residence of the child has voluntarily relinquished the primary care and possession of the child to another person for at least six months.

    (b) Subsection (a)(3) does not apply to a conservator who has the exclusive right to designate the primary residence of the child and who has temporarily relinquished the primary care and possession of the child to another person during the conservator's military deployment, military mobilization, or temporary military duty, as those terms are defined by Section 153.701.
    Decisions on a parent's petition to relocate are made on a case-by-case basis, consistent with the best interest of the children and . A non-exhaustive list of factors that a Texas court will consider when evaluating a petition to relocate include:

    (i) the parents' good-faith reasons for and against the proposed move;
    (ii) a comparison of economic, educational, health, and leisure opportunities for the custodial parent and the child;
    (iii) whether the child's special needs or talents can be accommodated;
    (iv) the effect on the child's extended family relationships;
    (v) the effect the move would have on the noncustodial parent's visitation and communication and his ability to maintain a full and continuous relationship with the child;
    (vi) whether the noncustodial parent has the ability to relocate; and
    (vii) whether a visitation schedule could be arranged that would allow the noncustodial parent to continue a meaningful relationship with the child.

  7. #17
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    2,289

    Default Re: Joining the Military with Wife That Has Kids from Previous Marriage

    Quote Quoting OKisNotOK
    View Post
    Reread your posts. I think it is obvious that if you go through with reenlisting, you will be having a long distance relationship with your child who lives with your exGF. Of course, you could marry and be a geo-bachelor at which point your then wife could move closer to her ex for the children's relationship with their father.

    Don't say you do not want a long distance relationship with your child because that is what you are asking of her children's father. If he is maintaining an EOW from 100 miles, he is an involved father. You did not say who created the distance from the original location at the time of the divorce.

    She should certainly consult an attorney and should remember to ask about visitation and child support options likely for the new baby if you do not marry.

    Whatever you do, do NOT get married and expect to work this out later. It is better not to complicate your GF's situation with two ex-DHs with whom she shares children and your situation by having step-children to deal with.
    As far as I have read they don't really do the geo-bachelor anymore. The program ended last year.

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    273

    Default Re: Joining the Military with Wife That Has Kids from Previous Marriage

    I know of a number of recent instances where the family has remained at prior location while military member moved to new duty station. I do not know what the financial arrangements have been. It is still possible for a couple to reside in different locations but be married in the eyes of the military.

    In my own family , the non-service member and children essentially had to move to the new duty station while the military member underwent 9 months of training for the new assignment. Travel payments for military member would only be authorized to new duty station. Another family member years ago actually went alone to three locations - two for 6+ months of training and the final for the permanent location before the spouse finished school and moved.

    No matter what happens, one of the dads is going to have fewer opportunities to spend time with his child/children.

    OP, go into this with your eyes open and have a plan before you get married. Military life is stressful enough on family members when there are no custody and visitation issues. Many are unable to adapt to deployments, uncertainty, and being away from family and friends. Bouncing from one duty station to another with the complications of visitation and a young child as well will be extremely stressful. My family member has seen spouse fewer than 25% of the time in the last 3 years; in the next less than a year the military member will miss birthdays of 2 if not all children, spouse and self, anniversary, Thanksgiving, Halloween (they love that holiday), and Christmas. Your gf needs to understand what she is getting into as she will spend a lot of time as a single parent even if married. You are committed, but is she?

    Be sure to get good legal assistance in setting up family and estate issues no matter what happens. Good luck! And thank you for you wanting to serve!

  9. #19
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    2,289

    Default Re: Joining the Military with Wife That Has Kids from Previous Marriage

    Quote Quoting OKisNotOK
    View Post
    I know of a number of recent instances where the family has remained at prior location while military member moved to new duty station. I do not know what the financial arrangements have been. It is still possible for a couple to reside in different locations but be married in the eyes of the military.

    In my own family , the non-service member and children essentially had to move to the new duty station while the military member underwent 9 months of training for the new assignment. Travel payments for military member would only be authorized to new duty station. Another family member years ago actually went alone to three locations - two for 6+ months of training and the final for the permanent location before the spouse finished school and moved.

    No matter what happens, one of the dads is going to have fewer opportunities to spend time with his child/children.

    OP, go into this with your eyes open and have a plan before you get married. Military life is stressful enough on family members when there are no custody and visitation issues. Many are unable to adapt to deployments, uncertainty, and being away from family and friends. Bouncing from one duty station to another with the complications of visitation and a young child as well will be extremely stressful. My family member has seen spouse fewer than 25% of the time in the last 3 years; in the next less than a year the military member will miss birthdays of 2 if not all children, spouse and self, anniversary, Thanksgiving, Halloween (they love that holiday), and Christmas. Your gf needs to understand what she is getting into as she will spend a lot of time as a single parent even if married. You are committed, but is she?

    Be sure to get good legal assistance in setting up family and estate issues no matter what happens. Good luck! And thank you for you wanting to serve!
    Yes it is possible for a servicemember to be separated from their dependents but it's not ideal. At all. If one is married they have to provide to their spouse who they are separated from. The Army has a regulation that states specifically how much - my dipshit ex husband heard about it from someone and tried to play me with that when I kicked him out and filed for divorce.

    Marriage in the eyes of the military is the same as in the eyes of the law - if you are legally married then you are married. If you are not legally married you are a single servicemember. That is why paternity leave is on a case by case basis for single soldiers - otherwise it really only applies to married males, for example.

    I had to leave my daughter for a month and a half for training and she stayed with my brother. If I deploy, she stays with family. I know people whose family moved back home while they deployed and then came back after or who couldn't move right away when someone PCSed. Most people do not live separately for too long though unless training is involved. That's not an ideal marriage for many.

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