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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    7

    Default Petition for Visitation After Three Years Without Contact

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: WI

    I have 3 children with my ex. They're now 6, 6, 8. We were together for seven years. It was a toxic environment and I was physically and emotionally abused. I broke up with him 3 years ago and tried to work amicably and share placement (without courts) and this worked (kind of) for two weeks before he attacked me (in front of our oldest-this was common though) and the neighbors called the police and he was charged with felony strangulation and battery with domestic enhancers and a few other things (plea bargain-all chargers dropped but battery w/ domestic) (no previous abuse was on record) I followed the books, got a temp restraining order, followed by a 4 year domestic abuse injunction. I asked the commissioner for the order to be amended to allow text communication between us, 5 messages from him a day, solely in regards to his children.
    In my state, the unmarried mother has full custody unless the courts say otherwise. So I have sole custody. For three months we would arrange a day or overnight, that was typically given less than 24 hours notice. (Example: at noon on our daughters birthday he asked to have them) I typically bent over backwards, sending everything the kids would need (diapers, shampoo, toothbrushes, clothes, packed cold lunch for next day) until it became a regular and weekly thing and he had a stable place to live. I then asked for him to provide those things for them because he should and he give me atleast 24hrs notice before the day he wanted them (hard to find someone to be the exchange location on short notice) (also I haven't filed for child support at this time)

    To which he responded that it was bullshit and he was sick of jumping through my hoops. He told the kids he wasn't going to be their dad. He was never going to see them again. He called me, screaming (allowed in emergencies regarding children) saying he was going to kill himself, sign his rights away. (In front of kids he was going to have overnight) and had his father drop them off at 10pm on a school night in total hysterics over not having a daddy anymore.

    Two days later he texted saying he didn't mean it and he wanted to see the kids.

    I said NO WAY you are clearly unstable and I don't want you to see them until you get some sort of help and then we can talk about safe visits in a third party location with a professional to supervise.
    He agreed that he needed help. But never followed through.
    A month later still didn't need help he's fuxking happy and I'm a bitxh that needs to get over him.

    I realized demanding him to get professional help was not my place and just said that I talked to a company that offers 3rd party supervised visits even if it's not court ordered. I gave him the name and number and said payment would be his responsibility. Call and they'll call me and we'll figure out a regular and consistent schedule.
    Never did.
    Every few months he'd text about the kids and seeing them but I've stood my ground on this. I filed for child support (which he intentionally hid from) and then when they found him he was giving me money so he should be able to see his kids.
    I still told him to do what I said or take me to court.

    It's been three years now.
    He's finally filed for visitation.
    I'm torn. I'm happy he's finally doing something. But now, it's been so long and his children have adjusted from our life and grown so much without him I'm scared they might regress.
    The judge asked him what he wanted and he had no idea. You could tell he hadn't even thought about what exactly he wanted.
    She asked me what I thought. I said I did not agree and that I felt supervised visits still seemed best. She said it's been a long time and they don't know this man and it's an unfamiliar environment and it's probably not best.
    We then filled out paperwork for a guardian.

    Now what?
    He is clearly a pathological liar. He was very clearly unstable. He would constantly tell me he was sober and clean but I had access to his FB messages where he's selling and smoking and doing patches and pills and H and slang things that I dont even know.
    Though he has changed his password a while ago and his text demeanor has changed... people this messed up don't truly change THAT much??? I'm scared for my children. They think the moon of him. My now 8 year old doesn't remember how she would call me retarded and a motherfuxker. She doesn't remember all the terrible things she saw. She just knows I would make him angry and that she loves her daddy very much.
    (We talk about how we miss him, almost weekly, and how he's just not ready to be a daddy and he has my number, he knows what to do when he's ready to see them again. He loves them very much. Blah.)

    What should I do? I obviously don't want him out of their life (I mean-a very small part of me absolutely does) but. I dont think that's best for them. I don't know what's best for my children anymore. Should I gather all the texts from the last 3 years (even though I don't have anything from the last 8 months?) and all the FB messages about drugs and just be like "here: he's a liar"
    I really thought that at least 2 years of supervision would be good. Because anyone can put up a show for a few months, maybe a year. But 2 takes dedication (something he doesn't have)...but the judge doesn't seem to agree?

    Am I in the wrong for what I'm doing? Was "keeping him away" bad on my part? I felt like, since I couldn't be there nor trust his family (since they knew and were present for some abuse) it was my only option. And putting my children in whatever drug environment he had was worse than demanding supervision that never happened. Knowingly putting them in a bad situation seems like a terribly dumb idea. But there was a time when he lives with his aunt and uncle and I still stuck to my guns about supervision. He blamed me for everything that happened. He said I was keeping them away from him. And Yes, in a way I was, but I gave him the name and number. I explained everything to his aunt and gave her the name and number and NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.
    But it was also his deluded "nothing is my fault everything happened to me and it's all someone else's fault" trash talking that helped me stick to my guns. Because he doesn't accept responsibility and I think he would tell the kids his jaded perspective. Which they don't need to hear.
    If it was me, I would have called that number so fast. Paid whatever fee they charged.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    273

    Default Re: 3 Years After Last Contact Seeking "Visitation"

    Court orders benefit the children as well as define the rights and responsibilities of the parents. Get an attorney and file!!!

    You also should go to counseling. You need an unbiased, trained individual to help you sort things out. You seem desperate, and you have emotional as well as legal issues. DO this both for yourself and your children.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    16,474

    Default Re: 3 Years After Last Contact Seeking "Visitation"

    You are not going to like what I have to say, but I think that you have really messed up here. In all sorts of ways.

    Having weekly "your daddy loves you" sessions with the children was a huge mistake in my opinion. Saying that he just wasn't ready to be a daddy was ok, but you have made him into some special person and your 8 year old clearly is going to easily be manipulated into blaming you for everything. The other two may as well. You have also set them up for potentially serious disappointment.

    I understand why you cut dad off...he was violent with you so you could not supervise visits, he was clearly unstable, and there wasn't anyone else you could trust to supervise...however, that probably was not the best thing to do. Finding some way to continue contact between dad and the children probably would have been better.

    No judge is going to put a parent on supervised visits for two years. Either the parent is never going to be safe enough to have the children unsupervised so supervision is more or less a permanent thing (or at least an open ended thing), or the parent needs to be supervised to get to know the children again, and that is relatively short term.

    You need an attorney. You need to ask the judge to drug test dad (and you will have to be drug tested as well) or you won't be able to get his drug problems into evidence.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    7

    Default Re: 3 Years After Last Contact Seeking "Visitation"

    You're correct. The weekly talks are more so 2 or maybe 3 times a month instigated by the child who misses their father and more or less me not knowing what to say.
    I agree that contact with the kids could have continued via phone, but with the restraining order that was/is kind of difficult. Also, it is a very real fear/concern that the phone calls would be abused, as was the texting amendment, where the phone calls would be more about me and wanting to talk to me versus them. He did violate the injunction in 2016 a week after the twins birthday (with no acknowledgment of that event) on Easter and spent 5 minutes taking pictures of him and the kids and literally 40 minutes going face to face with my boyfriend about having me come outside and who has the dick in the relationship and all sorts of terrible things. We did do phone calls when he had them overnight and I could talk to the kids after school, but again, he was trying to talk to me.
    I figured that I should get a lawyer but that's a hefty fee but I don't know anything about the court system.
    I have no problem doing as many drug tests as they need from me.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    1,142

    Default Re: 3 Years After Last Contact Seeking "Visitation"

    Quote: "Every few months he'd text about the kids and seeing them but I've stood my ground on this. I filed for child support (which he intentionally hid from) and then when they found him he was giving me money so he should be able to see his kids."

    So he is paying child support regularly? Just asking, of course it's not a "pay for visit" proposition. But he's definitely not going to cooperate with too much supervision of any kind. It's really classic addict behavior you're describing, he is really a messy individual, and you need legal representation AND counseling, as has been suggested here. I suspect that he will never cooperate with any kind of court ordered schedule for visitation, as that would make him less of a "swinging d---" and he can't have that. Ego. He wants to control when he sees the kids. But you need to protect yourself from him getting a new girlfriend who wants to make him into the wronged father figure and go for full custody (with no child support) or something like that. The best way to do this is take the current situation to a real court order. This means you need an attorney, very soon.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    2,289

    Default Re: 3 Years After Last Contact Seeking "Visitation"

    You can start out by searching family law attorneys in your area who do free consultations. That's usually about 30 min free to at least get a start and some guidance.

    The lawyer I found and hired for my divorce I found after looking around. He was, at the time, working from home so I didn't have to pay a retainer. He told me it would cost about $1500 and I paid $500 over 3 months. Actually the first time I talked to him was while I was married to my then husband to get guidance on his first ex wife and her contempt of visitation. Two weeks later, I ended up kicking him out and calling up that lawyer to file for divorce.

    I had started looking for a divorce lawyer about three months before I did file. I did talk to a few about consultations and one said, after I told my story, he'd waive his consultation fee to speak with me. But I let it go and stayed another few months.

    Point is - you don't buy the first car you look at right? Shop around for a lawyer and some might help you out and make a deal on price.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    7

    Default Re: 3 Years After Last Contact Seeking "Visitation"

    I filed for child support in sept./oct. of 2015 and they "found" him in March of 2016. He was able to float from job to job until feb/mar of 2017 when his uncle hired him and I've been getting somewhat regular payments since then. The "paying me" text occurred after our court date to establish child support order. He still hasn't paid at that time.
    Of course he won't cooperate, that's why it's been 3 years. The judge warned him that it is going to be a loooonggg road to see the kids involving therapy and classes and such.
    He did have a cute 19 year old girlfriend that promised to help with lawyer fees and helping him get his kids. It was really terrible, seeing the same gaslighting and lies in their relationship through my access to his messages and not being able to do anything about it. She committed suicide by heroin overdose last summer.

    I have recently contacted the person at the local Family Violence Association place hoping she could give me some advice (not legal advice since that's not allowed) she did give me the numbers to a few lawyers they work with that are income based/domestic abuse orientated.
    Planned on calling around tomorrow.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    273

    Default Re: 3 Years After Last Contact Seeking "Visitation"

    Quote Quoting Cm1234
    View Post
    I filed for child support in sept./oct. of 2015 and they "found" him in March of 2016. He was able to float from job to job until feb/mar of 2017 when his uncle hired him and I've been getting somewhat regular payments since then. The "paying me" text occurred after our court date to establish child support order. He still hasn't paid at that time.
    Of course he won't cooperate, that's why it's been 3 years. The judge warned him that it is going to be a loooonggg road to see the kids involving therapy and classes and such.
    He did have a cute 19 year old girlfriend that promised to help with lawyer fees and helping him get his kids. It was really terrible, seeing the same gaslighting and lies in their relationship through my access to his messages and not being able to do anything about it. She committed suicide by heroin overdose last summer.

    I have recently contacted the person at the local Family Violence Association place hoping she could give me some advice (not legal advice since that's not allowed) she did give me the numbers to a few lawyers they work with that are income based/domestic abuse orientated.
    Planned on calling around tomorrow.
    Why and how are you accessing his communications?

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    7

    Default Re: 3 Years After Last Contact Seeking "Visitation"

    Thanks for the advice!

    I'm not sure what happened to my reply...
    But we were together for over 7 years. We had a cell phone plan together in my name. Therefore, I inherited all old phones too.
    I had turned on a phone (at the time not knowing whose it was) and once hooked up to wifi I instantly started receiving messages. Drug deal related messages. From the man that claimed to be drug free and was threatening to take my children away. Of course I opened his messages. If it meant protecting my children.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    2,289

    Default Re: 3 Years After Last Contact Seeking "Visitation"

    Quote Quoting Cm1234
    View Post
    Thanks for the advice!

    I'm not sure what happened to my reply...
    But we were together for over 7 years. We had a cell phone plan together in my name. Therefore, I inherited all old phones too.
    I had turned on a phone (at the time not knowing whose it was) and once hooked up to wifi I instantly started receiving messages. Drug deal related messages. From the man that claimed to be drug free and was threatening to take my children away. Of course I opened his messages. If it meant protecting my children.
    How did you inherit all old phones? My ex husband was on my plan until last year. I made him give me his phone back after he got out of jail in like April 2016 (because I bought it) and he did. I think he erased all the messages though. I let my daughter play with it for awhile. Then I stupidly let him have it back - but he was still on my plan. I could see who he called. Figured out the numbers and all his drug dealing friends. But I didn't "inherit" all the old phones just because he was on my plan. I took him off my plan finally in May last year once the contract was up. I kept trying to get it back but now it's likely locked up with the few belongings he had on him when he got arrested in October.

    I won't lie - I would look at his texts when we were together. He was a compulsive liar. I'm glad I don't have that toxicity around me or our daughter right now.

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