My question involves a child custody case from the State of: WI
I have 3 children with my ex. They're now 6, 6, 8. We were together for seven years. It was a toxic environment and I was physically and emotionally abused. I broke up with him 3 years ago and tried to work amicably and share placement (without courts) and this worked (kind of) for two weeks before he attacked me (in front of our oldest-this was common though) and the neighbors called the police and he was charged with felony strangulation and battery with domestic enhancers and a few other things (plea bargain-all chargers dropped but battery w/ domestic) (no previous abuse was on record) I followed the books, got a temp restraining order, followed by a 4 year domestic abuse injunction. I asked the commissioner for the order to be amended to allow text communication between us, 5 messages from him a day, solely in regards to his children.
In my state, the unmarried mother has full custody unless the courts say otherwise. So I have sole custody. For three months we would arrange a day or overnight, that was typically given less than 24 hours notice. (Example: at noon on our daughters birthday he asked to have them) I typically bent over backwards, sending everything the kids would need (diapers, shampoo, toothbrushes, clothes, packed cold lunch for next day) until it became a regular and weekly thing and he had a stable place to live. I then asked for him to provide those things for them because he should and he give me atleast 24hrs notice before the day he wanted them (hard to find someone to be the exchange location on short notice) (also I haven't filed for child support at this time)
To which he responded that it was bullshit and he was sick of jumping through my hoops. He told the kids he wasn't going to be their dad. He was never going to see them again. He called me, screaming (allowed in emergencies regarding children) saying he was going to kill himself, sign his rights away. (In front of kids he was going to have overnight) and had his father drop them off at 10pm on a school night in total hysterics over not having a daddy anymore.
Two days later he texted saying he didn't mean it and he wanted to see the kids.
I said NO WAY you are clearly unstable and I don't want you to see them until you get some sort of help and then we can talk about safe visits in a third party location with a professional to supervise.
He agreed that he needed help. But never followed through.
A month later still didn't need help he's fuxking happy and I'm a bitxh that needs to get over him.
I realized demanding him to get professional help was not my place and just said that I talked to a company that offers 3rd party supervised visits even if it's not court ordered. I gave him the name and number and said payment would be his responsibility. Call and they'll call me and we'll figure out a regular and consistent schedule.
Never did.
Every few months he'd text about the kids and seeing them but I've stood my ground on this. I filed for child support (which he intentionally hid from) and then when they found him he was giving me money so he should be able to see his kids.
I still told him to do what I said or take me to court.
It's been three years now.
He's finally filed for visitation.
I'm torn. I'm happy he's finally doing something. But now, it's been so long and his children have adjusted from our life and grown so much without him I'm scared they might regress.
The judge asked him what he wanted and he had no idea. You could tell he hadn't even thought about what exactly he wanted.
She asked me what I thought. I said I did not agree and that I felt supervised visits still seemed best. She said it's been a long time and they don't know this man and it's an unfamiliar environment and it's probably not best.
We then filled out paperwork for a guardian.
Now what?
He is clearly a pathological liar. He was very clearly unstable. He would constantly tell me he was sober and clean but I had access to his FB messages where he's selling and smoking and doing patches and pills and H and slang things that I dont even know.
Though he has changed his password a while ago and his text demeanor has changed... people this messed up don't truly change THAT much??? I'm scared for my children. They think the moon of him. My now 8 year old doesn't remember how she would call me retarded and a motherfuxker. She doesn't remember all the terrible things she saw. She just knows I would make him angry and that she loves her daddy very much.
(We talk about how we miss him, almost weekly, and how he's just not ready to be a daddy and he has my number, he knows what to do when he's ready to see them again. He loves them very much. Blah.)
What should I do? I obviously don't want him out of their life (I mean-a very small part of me absolutely does) but. I dont think that's best for them. I don't know what's best for my children anymore. Should I gather all the texts from the last 3 years (even though I don't have anything from the last 8 months?) and all the FB messages about drugs and just be like "here: he's a liar"
I really thought that at least 2 years of supervision would be good. Because anyone can put up a show for a few months, maybe a year. But 2 takes dedication (something he doesn't have)...but the judge doesn't seem to agree?
Am I in the wrong for what I'm doing? Was "keeping him away" bad on my part? I felt like, since I couldn't be there nor trust his family (since they knew and were present for some abuse) it was my only option. And putting my children in whatever drug environment he had was worse than demanding supervision that never happened. Knowingly putting them in a bad situation seems like a terribly dumb idea. But there was a time when he lives with his aunt and uncle and I still stuck to my guns about supervision. He blamed me for everything that happened. He said I was keeping them away from him. And Yes, in a way I was, but I gave him the name and number. I explained everything to his aunt and gave her the name and number and NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.
But it was also his deluded "nothing is my fault everything happened to me and it's all someone else's fault" trash talking that helped me stick to my guns. Because he doesn't accept responsibility and I think he would tell the kids his jaded perspective. Which they don't need to hear.
If it was me, I would have called that number so fast. Paid whatever fee they charged.

