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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
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    Default What Can You Do if a Seventeen-Year-Old Refuses to Return Home

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Georgia

    I am brokenhearted and my life has been devastated because my 17-year old has moved out of the house and is refusing to see me. He will not return my texts and phone calls or speak to me because of a very ugly argument with his stepdad (my spouse), which resulted in his stepdad grabbing him and my son filing and being awarded a TPO against my spouse. My son also explained what happened to his girlfriend's parent who is a mandated reporter, and a DFCS investigation was initiated. My son was not physically hurt, but had apparently suffered what he felt to be verbal/emotional abuse from my spouse in the past, and this was the last straw.

    I had found an apartment for us to share in his school district, because my spouse would not move out of the house, but my ex didn't want to provide the extra $ it would have required to rent this place. My ex's solution was to allow him to live at his girlfriend's house (who lives in the school district). I am the custodial parent, 100%. Do I have the right to cause (somehow) my son to attend therapy with me to get our relationship back on track? His dad is saying if I try to force him he'll just emancipate anyway and then my chances of ever making things right with him will be ruined.

    Essentially my son is refusing to have contact with me unless I divorce his step-father which I'm also not ready to do at this point. I understand that my spouse can't be present where my son is present, and I don't expect my son to necessarily move back in with me somewhere, but I am searching for a way to make the first steps toward reconciling with my son, such as meeting for coffee, etc. I'm afraid the longer this goes on, the worse my chances will be to mend with him. None of the adults he's currently in contact with are "making" him be in a situation where he has to see me. I don't want to go the legal route, but it's been 2 1/2 months and I just want to lay eyes on my child. Prior to this nightmare my son and I had a wonderful and loving relationship--he feels betrayed that I've "chosen" his stepdad over him.

    Thank you so much for any advice or input you can provide.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    Somewhere near Canada
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    35,894

    Default Re: I Am Custodial Parent but Teenage Son Living with Friend's Family Due Tpo vs Step

    I think you need to be looking at the bigger picture here. Even if you could force your son to attend therapy, there is no way on this planet he could be forced to actually participate and you'd end up further damaging your relationship.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Posts
    671

    Default Re: I Am Custodial Parent but Teenage Son Living with Friend's Family Due Tpo vs Step

    I'm really not able to fault Dad for being unwilling to pay additional money (presumably he pays CS) for a problem caused by a legal stranger. Nor can I really fault your son for feeling as though you have chosen your current husband over him. I think you have some real soul-searching ahead of you...

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
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    4

    Default Re: What Can You Do if a Seventeen-Year-Old Refuses to Return Home

    I've never made my ex pay the full 23% of his income per the divorce decree because I always had a much higher salary than him, so this would have simply brought his CS payment up to where it should be and probably should have been for a number of years.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    16,474

    Default Re: What Can You Do if a Seventeen-Year-Old Refuses to Return Home

    Quote Quoting RNJane
    View Post
    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Georgia

    I am brokenhearted and my life has been devastated because my 17-year old has moved out of the house and is refusing to see me. He will not return my texts and phone calls or speak to me because of a very ugly argument with his stepdad (my spouse), which resulted in his stepdad grabbing him and my son filing and being awarded a TPO against my spouse. My son also explained what happened to his girlfriend's parent who is a mandated reporter, and a DFCS investigation was initiated. My son was not physically hurt, but had apparently suffered what he felt to be verbal/emotional abuse from my spouse in the past, and this was the last straw.

    I had found an apartment for us to share in his school district, because my spouse would not move out of the house, but my ex didn't want to provide the extra $ it would have required to rent this place. My ex's solution was to allow him to live at his girlfriend's house (who lives in the school district). I am the custodial parent, 100%. Do I have the right to cause (somehow) my son to attend therapy with me to get our relationship back on track? His dad is saying if I try to force him he'll just emancipate anyway and then my chances of ever making things right with him will be ruined.

    Essentially my son is refusing to have contact with me unless I divorce his step-father which I'm also not ready to do at this point. I understand that my spouse can't be present where my son is present, and I don't expect my son to necessarily move back in with me somewhere, but I am searching for a way to make the first steps toward reconciling with my son, such as meeting for coffee, etc. I'm afraid the longer this goes on, the worse my chances will be to mend with him. None of the adults he's currently in contact with are "making" him be in a situation where he has to see me. I don't want to go the legal route, but it's been 2 1/2 months and I just want to lay eyes on my child. Prior to this nightmare my son and I had a wonderful and loving relationship--he feels betrayed that I've "chosen" his stepdad over him.

    Thank you so much for any advice or input you can provide.
    You are choosing your husband over your son. You will have to deal with the consequences of that choice. Dad is wrong that the child can emancipate if you force anything, but as soon as the child turns 18 he is a legal adult and no longer subject to any custody orders, so its almost the same thing.

    You can ASK your child to participate in counseling with you. You can put it in terms of it being a safe place for your child to tell you everything he is unhappy about, with the third person counselor to makes sure that everybody's side is fully heard.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    1,142

    Default Re: What Can You Do if a Seventeen-Year-Old Refuses to Return Home

    Son is laying out an ultimatum. Divorce this creep or you don't get to see me. At seventeen he may not have the maturity to see all the sides of this situation, but one thing I do suggest is that you are in counseling yourself, making very sure that you are making good choices, and that you have very good reasons for making these particular choices.

    Demanding to see your son right now is probably not a good idea. You have total custody now for a very small amount of time left, but you will soon be losing ALL control of your son when he turns 18. And as we continuously tell parents, yes, you can force issues now, but if you do, the consequence may be lasting bad feelings and they will act on the feelings when they are over 18.

    You are like, "I want to see my son now!!!!!" and this is not the adult way to act. No one, including you, should MAKE him be in a situation where he is required to see you. It will not result in making it harder to re start the relationship, in fact, a time out from each other may make him change his mind or see things differently. You're being the weak one here if you just cannot wait to have everything the way you want it right now, and you get to have it all fixed.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    2,289

    Default Re: What Can You Do if a Seventeen-Year-Old Refuses to Return Home

    Quote Quoting RNJane
    View Post
    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Georgia

    I am brokenhearted and my life has been devastated because my 17-year old has moved out of the house and is refusing to see me. He will not return my texts and phone calls or speak to me because of a very ugly argument with his stepdad (my spouse), which resulted in his stepdad grabbing him and my son filing and being awarded a TPO against my spouse. My son also explained what happened to his girlfriend's parent who is a mandated reporter, and a DFCS investigation was initiated. My son was not physically hurt, but had apparently suffered what he felt to be verbal/emotional abuse from my spouse in the past, and this was the last straw.

    I had found an apartment for us to share in his school district, because my spouse would not move out of the house, but my ex didn't want to provide the extra $ it would have required to rent this place. My ex's solution was to allow him to live at his girlfriend's house (who lives in the school district). I am the custodial parent, 100%. Do I have the right to cause (somehow) my son to attend therapy with me to get our relationship back on track? His dad is saying if I try to force him he'll just emancipate anyway and then my chances of ever making things right with him will be ruined.

    Essentially my son is refusing to have contact with me unless I divorce his step-father which I'm also not ready to do at this point. I understand that my spouse can't be present where my son is present, and I don't expect my son to necessarily move back in with me somewhere, but I am searching for a way to make the first steps toward reconciling with my son, such as meeting for coffee, etc. I'm afraid the longer this goes on, the worse my chances will be to mend with him. None of the adults he's currently in contact with are "making" him be in a situation where he has to see me. I don't want to go the legal route, but it's been 2 1/2 months and I just want to lay eyes on my child. Prior to this nightmare my son and I had a wonderful and loving relationship--he feels betrayed that I've "chosen" his stepdad over him.

    Thank you so much for any advice or input you can provide.
    I'm not surprised your son doesn't want to come home...geez. I would divorce or break up with anyone I was married to or dating who laid a hand on my daughter.

    Why do you expect your ex to help you pay for an apartment because of this situation with your spouse? It's not your ex's problem. Why doesn't the ex take in your son?

    Making the kid go to therapy will make things worse. You can suggest it and when he's ready go. If you force him no your son will not be able to be emancipated.

    You need to prioritize. Who is more important - your son or your husband? The answer should be your son. Why would you want to stay with anyone who laid hands on your kid? Do you think it can't happen to you at some point? I guess to each his or her own but that would be game over for me as I said. I would kick that pos ass out of my house or I would move out and file for divorce.

    You're not going to get anywhere with your son as long as you are with your husband. That's a fact. No one can "make" him see you either. You can go get him from his girlfriend's house. But he'll probably just keep running away.

    You haven't seen your kid in 2 1/2 months and still with the stepdad...hmm. I would feel the same way as your son and actually have felt like your son as my mom did choose her husband over us kids even before she left my dad for him. It's not fun to think your parent loves someone else - especially someone abusive - over you. I think YOU need to get some counseling.

  8. #8

    Default Re: What Can You Do if a Seventeen-Year-Old Refuses to Return Home

    Quote Quoting RNJane
    View Post
    I've never made my ex pay the full 23% of his income per the divorce decree because I always had a much higher salary than him, so this would have simply brought his CS payment up to where it should be and probably should have been for a number of years.
    Well, if you wanted to go that route, and if you had maintained good records throughout, you could collect the extra income from him as unpaid CS arrears. Your son's dad is still responsible for any child support that he was supposed to have paid you for the duration and amount specified by the support order. However doing so could turn badly for your relationship with your son. As I understand it, your son is distancing himself from you because of his step-dad, and as a result the one parent he still has in his life would be your ex - his father. Although your ex is incorrect in saying your son would just get emancipated (he likely can't), he'll be 18 soon enough and the entire point becomes moot.

    Maybe try considering your ex's solution with an open mind. Your son, I'm guessing, is probably about to graduate high school, so it's really just for the remainder of the school year. Maybe you can work out a visitation schedule where you can still maintain contact with and see your son that can work for everyone. If your son is telling you that you are choosing your husband over him, then maybe you need to listen to him and see if there are actual reasons for it. Don't try to force him to do anything though, as that will likely go badly. Teenagers have a reputation for not liking to be told what to do.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
    Posts
    35,894

    Default Re: What Can You Do if a Seventeen-Year-Old Refuses to Return Home

    Quote Quoting RNJane
    View Post
    I've never made my ex pay the full 23% of his income per the divorce decree because I always had a much higher salary than him, so this would have simply brought his CS payment up to where it should be and probably should have been for a number of years.
    Then don't sit and complain about Dad not wanting to pay for something you and your husband are 100% responsible for.

    I'm sad for your son. You dropped the ball here, massively.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    16,474

    Default Re: What Can You Do if a Seventeen-Year-Old Refuses to Return Home

    Quote Quoting qwaspolk69
    View Post
    I'm not surprised your son doesn't want to come home...geez. I would divorce or break up with anyone I was married to or dating who laid a hand on my daughter.

    Why do you expect your ex to help you pay for an apartment because of this situation with your spouse? It's not your ex's problem. Why doesn't the ex take in your son?

    Making the kid go to therapy will make things worse. You can suggest it and when he's ready go. If you force him no your son will not be able to be emancipated.

    You need to prioritize. Who is more important - your son or your husband? The answer should be your son. Why would you want to stay with anyone who laid hands on your kid? Do you think it can't happen to you at some point? I guess to each his or her own but that would be game over for me as I said. I would kick that pos ass out of my house or I would move out and file for divorce.

    You're not going to get anywhere with your son as long as you are with your husband. That's a fact. No one can "make" him see you either. You can go get him from his girlfriend's house. But he'll probably just keep running away.

    You haven't seen your kid in 2 1/2 months and still with the stepdad...hmm. I would feel the same way as your son and actually have felt like your son as my mom did choose her husband over us kids even before she left my dad for him. It's not fun to think your parent loves someone else - especially someone abusive - over you. I think YOU need to get some counseling.
    I disagree with the bolded. I do not necessarily think that she should force therapy on the child but I think she should do all she can to get him into joint therapy with her.

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