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  1. #1

    Default What to Do if You Can't Care For Your Child During Extended Visitation

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Virginia

    I'm trying to do better with this co-parenting thing as the CP...

    Relevant background:
    The current court order states that visitation the NCP gets scheduled visitations the first and third Thursday from 7pm to 9/9:30pm (9:30pm if no school), and this is the only fixed visitation schedule. It continues that the NCP can get additional visitations (usually weekend) provided the child is free and the NCP gives a week advance notice. It does not say anything for the CP requesting visitation, but has a clause for right of first refusal, where if the CP cannot take care of the child for 8 hours or more, then the NCP is given the option to care for the child.

    I have to leave to handle personal business from August 12-23 and for that personal business, I cannot take my son along with me. The exact reason is that my mom (son's grandma) is actually hostile towards the son and would create a likely unsafe environment for both potentially (Yay sandwich generation). Anyways, I informed the NCP back in April 26 and again May 11, asking that the NCP take care of the child in this interim. The NCP if I give them the benefit of doubt wants to help as they offered August 14-24, or as early as August 13 at 11pm through August 24, but decided they will not budge on whatever plans the NCP made for August 12-13 weekend. I know it's just the weekend, because the NCP also said they can do August 7-11 and August 21-September 1 (but those were from some kind of misunderstanding).

    The way I see it, the options I have are:
    1) I call in a favor with one of my friends who indicated they are willing to take care of my son for the whole duration but they want nothing to do with my ex, so won't let my ex see him for any part of the duration that I'm gone.
    2) As suggested by a coworker, ask if my ex has someone who I can leave our son with from August 12-August 13 11pm where my ex can then pick the child up at that point. I've sent my ex a text requesting if this is possible and waiting to hear a response.
    3) I know this isn't exactly a legal question, but are there any other legal options that maybe I could do?

    Full disclosure: (I admit I gave a little thought to saying yes to my ex taking him August 7-11 and then not take him back on the 11, but realize that will probably have legal consequences and even more than that would make my son feel horrible, like I abandoned or don't want him. So I'm not doing something like that) I'm currently hoping on #2 and #1 is my backup but wonder if maybe I'm not seeing another good option. Sadly, I don't have anyone who I can ask to take care of my son for that interim period.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: What Are Alternatives to Extended Visitation

    Quote Quoting vadad1
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    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Virginia

    I'm trying to do better with this co-parenting thing as the CP...

    Relevant background:
    The current court order states that visitation the NCP gets scheduled visitations the first and third Thursday from 7pm to 9/9:30pm (9:30pm if no school), and this is the only fixed visitation schedule. It continues that the NCP can get additional visitations (usually weekend) provided the child is free and the NCP gives a week advance notice. It does not say anything for the CP requesting visitation, but has a clause for right of first refusal, where if the CP cannot take care of the child for 8 hours or more, then the NCP is given the option to care for the child.

    I have to leave to handle personal business from August 12-23 and for that personal business, I cannot take my son along with me. The exact reason is that my mom (son's grandma) is actually hostile towards the son and would create a likely unsafe environment for both potentially (Yay sandwich generation). Anyways, I informed the NCP back in April 26 and again May 11, asking that the NCP take care of the child in this interim. The NCP if I give them the benefit of doubt wants to help as they offered August 14-24, or as early as August 13 at 11pm through August 24, but decided they will not budge on whatever plans the NCP made for August 12-13 weekend. I know it's just the weekend, because the NCP also said they can do August 7-11 and August 21-September 1 (but those were from some kind of misunderstanding).

    The way I see it, the options I have are:
    1) I call in a favor with one of my friends who indicated they are willing to take care of my son for the whole duration but they want nothing to do with my ex, so won't let my ex see him for any part of the duration that I'm gone.
    2) As suggested by a coworker, ask if my ex has someone who I can leave our son with from August 12-August 13 11pm where my ex can then pick the child up at that point. I've sent my ex a text requesting if this is possible and waiting to hear a response.
    3) I know this isn't exactly a legal question, but are there any other legal options that maybe I could do?

    Full disclosure: (I admit I gave a little thought to saying yes to my ex taking him August 7-11 and then not take him back on the 11, but realize that will probably have legal consequences and even more than that would make my son feel horrible, like I abandoned or don't want him. So I'm not doing something like that) I'm currently hoping on #2 and #1 is my backup but wonder if maybe I'm not seeing another good option. Sadly, I don't have anyone who I can ask to take care of my son for that interim period.
    There is no possibility of adjusting your dates to August 14-24? Your friend certainly is no friend if your friend would refuse to release the child to his mother on the 14th either.

    I suggest that if you cannot adjust your dates that you hire a professional babysitter that is willing to do overnights for the 12-14th and then let mom pick the child up from there.

  3. #3

    Default Re: What Are Alternatives to Extended Visitation

    Quote Quoting llworking
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    There is no possibility of adjusting your dates to August 14-24? Your friend certainly is no friend if your friend would refuse to release the child to his mother on the 14th either.

    I suggest that if you cannot adjust your dates that you hire a professional babysitter that is willing to do overnights for the 12-14th and then let mom pick the child up from there.
    Sadly no, the morning of August 13 is the latest I could leave and still not be late assuming no flight delays. The friend wants to spend time with my son themselves and do not like the mother.

    That is one possibility. Thank you

  4. #4
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    Default Re: What Are Alternatives to Extended Visitation

    Quote Quoting vadad1
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    Sadly no, the morning of August 13 is the latest I could leave and still not be late assuming no flight delays. The friend wants to spend time with my son themselves and do not like the mother.

    That is one possibility. Thank you
    You still consider this person your friend?!

  5. #5
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    Default Re: What Are Alternatives to Extended Visitation

    Quote Quoting Dogmatique
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    You still consider this person your friend?!
    None of my friends nor my family like my daughter's father (for good reason). There are plenty of reasons for someone to not like a friend's ex - and sometimes they are just petty.

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    Default Re: What Are Alternatives to Extended Visitation

    Quote Quoting qwaspolk69
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    None of my friends nor my family like my daughter's father (for good reason). There are plenty of reasons for someone to not like a friend's ex - and sometimes they are just petty.
    Did you miss the part where the friend would refuse to hand over the child to the child's OTHER PARENT?

    That's no friend.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: What Are Alternatives to Extended Visitation

    Quote Quoting Dogmatique
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    Did you miss the part where the friend would refuse to hand over the child to the child's OTHER PARENT?

    That's no friend.
    I saw that and that is bs if there's a visitation order. But you underlined the part that said this: "The friend wants to spend time with my son themselves and do not like the mother." So that's what I responded to.

    If my ex husband had a visitation order then my family would let him see her if I had to leave her with them. They don't like him but they would follow that. Luckily for me and my daughter he doesn't have one (all his fault) since he's about to go on his fourth trip since 2012 to rehab and just OD'd over the weekend on meth and had some psychotic episode.

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    Default Re: What Are Alternatives to Extended Visitation

    Quote Quoting qwaspolk69
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    I saw that and that is bs if there's a visitation order. But you underlined the part that said this: "The friend wants to spend time with my son themselves and do not like the mother." So that's what I responded to.

    If my ex husband had a visitation order then my family would let him see her if I had to leave her with them. They don't like him but they would follow that. Luckily for me and my daughter he doesn't have one (all his fault) since he's about to go on his fourth trip since 2012 to rehab and just OD'd over the weekend on meth and had some psychotic episode.
    Fairy nuff.

    In VaDad's case though, there is still clear animosity between the two parents and Mom doesn't sound like the type to let such an event go without comment or consequence.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: What Are Alternatives to Extended Visitation

    Quote Quoting Dogmatique
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    Fairy nuff.

    In VaDad's case though, there is still clear animosity between the two parents and Mom doesn't sound like the type to let such an event go without comment or consequence.
    True. I never agreed that the friend should be so ridiculous and deny visitation. They shouldn't that's not their right to do so. I would tell my family or friends not to do such a thing.

  10. #10

    Default Re: What Are Alternatives to Extended Visitation

    Quote Quoting qwaspolk69
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    True. I never agreed that the friend should be so ridiculous and deny visitation. They shouldn't that's not their right to do so. I would tell my family or friends not to do such a thing.
    To be clear, there is no court ordered visitation that the mom has for these dates. Well, I guess technically she would have August 17, 7pm-9:30pm as her court ordered scheduled visitation time. The rest of the dates are by this request I made for her to take our son. She has tried making counteroffers that she knows are not able to be met, for instance saying that she'll take him on the 14th-24th, when I'm out the 12th-23rd. Obviously, I cannot manage her offer of visiting the 14-24 myself. The actual relationship with the friend in question is complicated, and I called them a friend since I didn't want to go into that particular detail. They are someone whom I know I can trust with my son for an extended period of time. They aren't my first choice. My first choice is the mother, but she's unwilling to inconvenience her schedule for the two days. So, yes from one aspect, you can say the mom has visitation for those times, which I'm comfortable with if she provides the intermediary caretaker. If I have to use my backup caretaker, and that person wants to spend time with my son themselves and aren't willing to just be an intermediary caretaker for two nights before coordinating with the mother whom they hate so she can take the son only when she wants to see him. I can't even bring myself to try to convince my friend that they should assist in granting the mother the visitation time, which in my mind she got right of first refusal for additional visitation and then decided to refuse visitation. In effect, she doesn't have visitation because she refused it. An extreme example is if she were to come up with a counter offer that said she'll only take him on the odd-numbered days of that period. Does that mean, I'd have to come up with someone for all the even-numbered days and they constantly swap off? If that involves a professional babysitter to handle the every other day arbitrary schedule, who should have to pay for it? Where is the line between reasonable and unreasonable?!?

    I know our opinions differ and I still struggle with my ex, in part, because I cannot understand how she is ok with taking on a parental role only when it's convenient for her. And if it's inconvenient she won't answer his letters, facetime call, visit with him on her scheduled Thursdays, or see him more than a month. I think being a parent is not what's convenient for me. It's about what my son needs. The inevitable long-term resolution seem to be that we are going to eventually have to return to court to create a structured and well-defined visitation schedule rather than this generally open-ended one.

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