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  1. #1
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    Default Can a Non-Custodial Parent Stop You From Dating His Minor Child

    My question involves restraining orders in the State of: California.

    I'm not sure if I got in the right forum, but here is the situation. I'm happy to re-ask it in another forum if advised to do so).
    My 17-yr old son adores is 14 year old girlfriend and treats her very well and responsibly. There are NO sexual relations between the two and no intention to engage in such activity. He is going to college this fall while she become a sophomore in their current academy.

    Their dating life is mostly relegated to hanging out after school on school campus, one date to Long Beach for a day with her mother present and one date with me present. My son felt it important from the beginning to get to know each other's parents where possible and assure her family (which is complicated) that his intentions are pure. She lives with her mother and grandmother, her mother has full custody and her dad has been incarcerated for drug dealing and is now out on, I THINK, parole. His girlfriend is extremely responsible and respectful and I'm impressed with her level of maturity, especially for her age.

    The problem that my son (and I) would like feedback on. Her father pays for her cell phone. She has not wanted to speak to him for a while because he is controlling and emotionally abusive. He has reserved physical abuse for only the adult women in his life. He took her phone from her because she wouldn't speak to him, and texted my son, using a lot of innuendo, defaming her character and that of her mother and suggesting my son put his relationship with his girlfriend "on ice." This was a day or two ago. Last night while my son was on date with his girlfriend (with me present), her father texted him asking if he had done as he suggested in previous text. At dinner after the concert we went to, they both shared this with me.

    My son wants to do the right thing but not sure what that is in this case. He wants to be respectful. What are the legal issues, if any, that he needs to consider? What legal rights does her father have with regards to her given he has ONLY visitation rights at this point.

  2. #2
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    Oct 2006
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    Default Re: My 17 (Almost 18) Yeard Old Son and Father of His 14 Year Old Girlfriend

    There is nothing illegal about a 17 year old hanging out with a 14 year old. I wouldn't even call what they are doing "dating" since they are never actually alone. So, as long as things are kept the way that they are now, there are not any legal issues.

    It also appears that her mother has full custody, so there are no legal issues there either. I also do not think that her father is due any particular respect since he chose to defame his daughter and ex wife.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: My 17 (Almost 18) Yeard Old Son and Father of His 14 Year Old Girlfriend

    Thanks so much! The funny thing is I had meant to get lost during the free open air public concert last night and just meet them at the end (I was quite literally the "taxi driver") but we ended up in the same place. I've always taught my kids that how you treat others is more a reflection of yourself than a reflection of whether the individual is deserving of that respect. However, I appreciate your point and we both felt your feedback valuable in more ways than one.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: My 17 (Almost 18) Yeard Old Son and Father of His 14 Year Old Girlfriend

    All legal issues aside;

    I think son needs to seek people within his age group. The lives of a 14 yo and 18 yo in college are very different with neither fitting in the others groups and activities. While you state the girl is mature for her age, in most situations such as this the reality is the elder is immature for their age. This is a time for your son to grow and have experiences that will round out his life. Missing out on the growth opportunities will diminish your son's college experience.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: My 17 (Almost 18) Yeard Old Son and Father of His 14 Year Old Girlfriend

    Quote Quoting salvadkj
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    My son wants to do the right thing but not sure what that is in this case. He wants to be respectful. What are the legal issues, if any, that he needs to consider? What legal rights does her father have with regards to her given he has ONLY visitation rights at this point.
    Even if he "only" has visitation, he is still the child's parent. However, this is the sort of issue where the decision-making is usually vested with the parent who is exercising physical care at the time and, where parents disagree, is normally something that they would need to resolve between themselves in the custody court.
    Quote Quoting llworking
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    It also appears that her mother has full custody, so there are no legal issues there either.
    We do not have the facts to assume that the father has been stripped of any decision-making rights for his child.
    Quote Quoting llworking
    I also do not think that her father is due any particular respect since he chose to defame his daughter and ex wife.
    That is not, and has never been, a legal basis to ignore a parent's instructions.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: My 17 (Almost 18) Yeard Old Son and Father of His 14 Year Old Girlfriend

    Quote Quoting jk
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    All legal issues aside;

    I think son needs to seek people within his age group. The lives of a 14 yo and 18 yo in college are very different with neither fitting in the others groups and activities. While you state the girl is mature for her age, in most situations such as this the reality is the elder is immature for their age. This is a time for your son to grow and have experiences that will round out his life. Missing out on the growth opportunities will diminish your son's college experience.
    I appreciate your response, but it is quite presumptuous and I'm here on this forum seeking legal feedback only. My spouse and I are handling the non-legal issues related to this.

    Quote Quoting Mr. Knowitall
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    Even if he "only" has visitation, he is still the child's parent. However, this is the sort of issue where the decision-making is usually vested with the parent who is exercising physical care at the time and, where parents disagree, is normally something that they would need to resolve between themselves in the custody court.

    We do not have the facts to assume that the father has been stripped of any decision-making rights for his child.

    That is not, and has never been, a legal basis to ignore a parent's instructions.
    Sounds like you have some experience with this kind of situation? I'd like to add the he was incarcerated because he had sold drugs to minors in a high school. What kinds of things constitute a legal basis for ignoring a parent's instructions? The entire written communication from him was very inappropriate and included a suggestion that "we can keep this kosher or I can come to your graduation and find your parents."

  7. #7
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    Default Re: My 17 (Almost 18) Yeard Old Son and Father of His 14 Year Old Girlfriend

    It is highly doubtful this relationship will last, as is if at all when the boy goes off to college. I wonder if mom or others have always gone along with him on dates,? Or is this the first time he has dated ?

  8. #8
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    Default Re: My 17 (Almost 18) Yeard Old Son and Father of His 14 Year Old Girlfriend

    Quote Quoting Mercy&Grace
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    It is highly doubtful this relationship will last, as is if at all when the boy goes off to college. I wonder if mom or others have always gone along with him on dates,? Or is this the first time he has dated ?
    Hi! "mom" and OP here. This is my son's second gf. He turns 18 in a few weeks but does not drive yet so I was actually taking he and his gf to an event 20 min from our home. I was willing to drop him off but he asked me to stay and suggested he wanted his gf to get to know me a little. We have an open relationship and he wanted her to feel comfortable with me. He has managed this relationship in a very responsible manner. My son very responsibly got to know her mother and grandmother with whom she lives. They were suspicious of the idea of their relationship at first, but after meeting him immediately felt confident in his integrity. He nor I have ever met her dad, and he suddenly showed up by sending texts to my son from his gf's phone, first defaming the character of her mother and her and then suggesting because they were both "mentally unstable" my son should put the relationship "on ice." He shared the texts with me when we went to eat dinner after the concert.

    My husband and I are 11 years apart, but did not meet until I was in my late 20s. I'm not necessarily concerned about this relationship lasting or not - dating is time to learn about yourself and who you are best matched with. I am concerned about the father's potential for violence and have communicated with the mom to better understand him. This is a new type of situation our family has never encountered before. I've since learned that his only legal rights are to visit her and make health care and education decisions on her behalf. Given this particular situation I am specifically interested what the father's rights area. This is very separate and removed from how we handle communication with the father who I, my husband, nor my son has ever met. He lives with his current wife.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: My 17 (Almost 18) Yeard Old Son and Father of His 14 Year Old Girlfriend

    Quote Quoting salvadkj
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    What kinds of things constitute a legal basis for ignoring a parent's instructions?
    You have no basis to assume that you have any legal right to ignore a parent's instructions.

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