Can a Stepparent Refuse to Allow a Stepchild to Live in Her Home

[Mark47n]

I recognize that you'll flag this comment for deletion (there are so many comments missing here that I read earlier) but all I can say is that, lady, you are one dense piece of work.

[StepParent007]

No, but they were together when she gave birth so he was listed on the birth certificate. We never felt the need to establish paternity. We all know the kid is his. No one is trying to dispute that.

[Ohiogal]

You don't understand the point of my question. It does matter for OP's strategy for what she wants to do. You are bringing court orders into the discussion when that isn't relevant at all to why I was asking.



Since California is a community property state, I need a few more details. Did you buy the home together as a married couple or did one of you own it prior to getting married and you transmuted it by adding the other's name to the deed?

That would be an EXTREMELY unusual situation in California. It is rare that a court would strip a father of joint legal custody and unless there were some physical abuse or neglect or the dad was totally absent from the child's life it doesn't happen. Physical custody does not determine legal custody. The default is joint legal custody. Dad has to be a pretty bad actor to get his legal custody rights stripped.

What exactly does the custody order say? Have you even read it or are you just going by what your husband says the order says? If you have in fact read it, what does it say exactly?

Court orders are always relevant. As is marriage between dad and OP. So maybe you should realize what I am stating rather than criticizing me.

[qwaspolk69]

The dad never had any custodial rights and the mother never allowed the dad to make any major decisions, counseling, doctors, school, etc. The mother did go to counseling with the child from the school and I don't know what happened in those sessions but her behavior never changed. This went on for around 4 or 5 months that I know of. The dad always paid his child support and paid for her medical insurance and dental her entire life but he never had any rights. She did listen to him and heard his suggestions but she said the final decision was hers. It wasn't until the past year and a half that we started seeing eye to eye, not that they didn't get along because they did co-parent but the mom limited the dad's participation. We never thought the mom was doing anything wrong as we know how much she loves and cares for the child but in reality I am just an outsider looking in. I have absolutely no say so. I actually believe very strongly and I could be wrong that she needs psychological or psychiatric care. My guess and its only a guess is that she is bipolar but I think they are afraid to explore this option. I have also stated this to social services as well. They will send someone to our home once a week to evaluate the situation. Without a live-in caretaker in our home, I feel the situation will get worse so we are exploring the option of the dad's mother staying with us through the summer as she lives out of state. Maybe the mom and dad could have done more. What...I don't know. The dad felt very limited and the mom pretty much wanted to control the situation so dad didn't want to rock the boat so he could continue seeing his child. And although the mom and/or dad could have done more, when you live in a low income area where there is heavy force of gangs and wild kids that like to fight all the time, it makes it that much harder. The mom lives in a low income area, about an hour away from our home which is an average middle class area. I did think that her living in our neighborhood would make a difference but I will never really know. I am not trying to pass judgment because I know how hard it was for the mother. I have more sympathy for the mother now as we have first hand experience. But I really think she had problems from when she was very young so whether she lived with us or her mom, the problems would have still been the same. We also have explored independent counseling through my husband's insurance and not one psychologist would take on another client. My husband has a PPO and not one psychologist on the list would it. It was actually a miracle we found a facility to take her for 30 days when she went......that my husband's insurance would pay plus our co-pay. It appears that unless you have around $30,000 or more to put down, these facilities do not want to take you in. They are not satisfied with a co-pay and payment from insurance. That is whole other issue. Sorry for digressing.

And to quickly answer some of the other questions:

Has the child ever been reported to the police for her crimes? No, she keeps getting a pass but everyone is in agreement that whatever trouble she gets into next, it will be reported to the police.

Has the child ever had a psychiatric evaluation to determine if she has a mental health issue? No, I have been pleading for this but so far it has not happened. Remember, I am only the step-parent and have no rights or say so about what happens to this child, going to the doctor, etc.

As for calling the state, that is possible. I have a few clients that have done that when they have exhausted every other option. Social services is already involved and they are doing their best to help. They have spoken with her privately on several occasions and have determined that she simply does not want to follow rules and feels entitled especially to owning a cell phone where she runs rampid on social medial. A side thought from me is that Social Media is the root of all these problems. All her friends are on social media. She has no real friends that come over and hang out with. We have done everything to encourage and motivate her to join a sports team, cheer, dance, track, any school activity but she says she doesn't like have any friends because she doesn't trust anyone. And when her phone is taken away from unacceptable behavior on social media like terrorist threats for starters, she becomes hysterical and makes all kinds of threats. The phone remains locked away.

Who owns your home? My husband and I both own the home together.

Thank you for your time and your response.

So again she has been failed by the adults in her life. Someone should have called the police on her. Dad should have went to court once these issues arose and got either some kind of custody or at the very least visitation.

"when you live in a low income area where there is heavy force of gangs and wild kids that like to fight all the time, it makes it that much harder." Give me a break. That's a piss poor excuse right there.

No the problems would not have been the same had someone stepped in and took control of the situation.

I am not understanding this line of questioning. I never mentioned anything about a "Court" physical order. The mom and dad were never married. When he left the mom, they immediately had a verbal arrangement for visitation and child support which he kept all these years. You are telling me that by default it is joint legal custody in California? I know I did not know that and I know for sure my husband did not know that either. We both always assumed that if the mom had full time physical custody, that was it. The school even told us that since the child was living with the mother full time that the mother had full physical custody and we never questioned it. There was no reason to apply for legal custody from the mother. Since the mom never gave him any problems anytime he wanted the child over, they never went to court. She was always pretty good about him spending time with the child. But when it came to school issues and doctors and things, he certainly was able to voice his opinion but the final decision was always hers. For the most part, there was nothing to fight with her about. We knew she had some issues but the mom always said she had it under control. In any event, I am a little confused. What difference does all this make now? It is water under the bridge. If my husband was wrong for not pursuing it further, then so be it. If the mom was wrong for not getting her to a psychologist sooner, then so be it. If I was wrong for not calling the police after she stole my phone, then so be it. What's done is done. We are trying to move forward. As for the property question, we bought the home together at the same time about a year ago. We did not buy it as married couple. We bought it as individuals because our lender recommended it because of our individual credit profiles.

As for the cell phone, you are preaching to the choir on this issue. I fought the idea to both the mom and dad directly about her having a cell phone in her possession but the grandmother (the mom's mom) snuck her a phone and is paying for it. I said to give the phone back to the grandmother because the phone has been the root of all her problems stemming from ridiculous fights with girls on social media. The child would become hysterical and would tell us that having a phone is vital for communications and that we are mean horrible people if we don't let her keep it and so on. I for one, did not bite but the mom strongly felt if she was going to dig herself a deeper hole with the cell phone to allow her to have it and if something bad resulted from her cell phone use, she would have to endure all the consequences and no one would save her. I completed disagreed with this method but as the step-mom I had no say as usual.
As for the dad, he did not want to argue with the mom and wanted to try her method to see what would happen so I had to be quiet and go along.
When you are a step-parent you are pretty much the bottom person on the totem pole when it comes to any decision making.

I want to thank everyone for all their responses but I will just work with social services on moving forward since I have no rights in my home, I will just have to continue to keep everything locked up and live like a prisoner. Giving me advice on continued counseling and so forth is really singing to the choir but I can't make this happen unless both parents are in agreement.
The last counseling attempt went south when she conned her way out of the facility by claiming a level 5 pain every day. You have to put all your energy, your heart and soul to get anything done and I know she is a child who needs help but I am done. She has burned me for the 101th time. I feel like a woman being tormented and abused by a bad husband and have nowhere to go. I have always felt when parents are split that the daughter is better with the mom and the son is better with the father and I know there are exceptions to this but in this case, I especially feel that way. Mostly, because when the mom talks, she does listen and appears to absorb what her mom is saying. Her mom is the only person she will be quiet and listen to.

If they went to court it would be joint custody I think is what was said - but if she never took him to court or he never took her to court then there is no court order and he has no rights. He should have taken her to court. But yes this entire time the mother has had all the rights and the father none as they were unmarried at the time she was born.

And people have told you to move forward but we only bring up other things because you keep saying "nothing could have been done to change this" when that is false. A LOT could have changed this.

Your husband needs to stop letting mom and daughter walk all over him. He needs to stand up and be responsible. Not keep rolling over and taking it. He needs to go to court and get SOMETHING in writing for parental rights.

Send her to a private school somewhere. Military school. Something like that.

Obviously her mom is NOT the only one she will listen to if she's constantly in trouble and acting out.

[StepParent007]

What kind of people are you? Seriously? What is the point of all this blaming and finger pointing? Seriously. What's done is done. I am bringing up facts and to what has happened and the more I answer questions, the more evil your comments become. None of us can go back and change the past.

This is clearly not a forum of expertlaw.com where people can receive legal advice. This is clearly a judgment forum where people can sit behind a computer, judge you and tell you what you did wrong. What good is all that going to do now? Does it make you feel better to say that someone should have stepped in and taken control of the situation? Wth?? You have no idea what all of has been done. I mentioned in some of my posts that she did receive counseling several times with her mom and her, a private facility and again school. I have only provided a smidgen and a brief summary of many years. As for the low income area and heavy force of gang comment, I am mentioning it because it was an influence. She would make videos doing gang signs and start wearing colors (which was stopped immediately upon finding out).......clearly that was an influence but you can say all day long she was failed by the all adults in her life. I really don't care. All the adults in her life were a constant presence. She is not my child. I never raised her. She only came into our home a year ago. But sure, blame me for whatever you want......like I could really do anything. All the adults in her life, teachers, counselors, social workers, her doctors have all been involved for quite some time now so I guess every adult is one hot mess.

I believe this child has some psychological issues and it is a shame she did not get diagnosed but I have no control over that. If I did, I would have taken her to a psychologist myself but I have no rights. There is only so much a step parent can do especially with a child that never lived with me until recently.

So instead of giving me legal advice which is what I came on here to get, I get slammed about what we should have done instead of what we can do moving forward.

If you don't have anything constructive to say, please refrain from saying anything at all.

God bless you all and may God enter your hearts and guide you from all this awful finger pointing as if stating that will actually make a difference.

[readytoleave]

You are not listening to what you have been told. You did get told what your options are. And they both suck so you have a decision to make. Stay or go. The only reason any of the other stuff is being said is because when you arent blaming Mom, you are defending Dad's non action, and submissive parenting. You are in this situation of being a prisoner in your own home because Dad didnt step up and do what needed to be done when it became obvious Moms way wasnt working. And sadly, now it may be too late.

You are also right that you have no rights to be able to do anything being that you are only the step parent. Your fault in this is simply that you think Dad couldn't possibly have done anything differently, and don't want him to have to pay out of pocket for his mistakes now. If you would just understand and accept that, then it wouldnt seem as though you are being attacked now.

[StepParent007]

Thank you for taking the time to explain your point. This is unfortunate all the way around. The reasons why I defend dad is because I have witnessed and so has the mother how much time and all the talks and time and steps he has taken including requesting her to live with him starting 5 years ago. And yes apparently enough steps were not taken. I don't think anyone realized or maybe didn't want to recognize that she actually could be bipolar or have other psychological issues. Dad has been paying out of pocket her whole life and never stopped. It was me that did not want to put him in an over burdensome situation and I will admit that I was wrong for that as that is not my decision to make as so many other things are not my decision. I just feel so helpless and so limited but thank you for your response.

[cbg]

What kind of people are you?

The same question could be said of you. I had a lot of sympathy for you and the position you were in until I read this:

Can I refuse her to live in our home without my husband being put in a position to pay child support to the state?

I can quite understand, given the circumstances, why you would not want to have her in the house. I don't judge you for that. But when you made it, even in part, about money and your/your husband preferring to have the taxpayers support her rather than your husband supporting his own child, you lost me, and I suspect I was not the only one.

[Mercy&Grace]

When were you and dad married ?

[StepParent007]

Hi cbg,
Thank you so much for responding in kind and explaining your position. This was all I was asking and now I understand why all the accusations and without more background, I can understand why you and everyone else would think that. First, let me clear up that my husband never said he did not want to pay child support to the State. He has been paying child support under a verbal mutual agreement with the mother and it has worked out this entire time. There was the issue of medical insurance and dental insurance which is quite high so they came to an understanding that instead of just paying the State maximum for CS, that he would pay a small percentage less and pay the medical and dental in full in addition to the child support which they take out of his pay check. We know the State would not make this deal so this is all my fault and I will take responsibility for that. I did not want to put my husband in a position to pay the full maximum to the state and pay the medical and dental. I feel responsible because I am the one who is pushing for her to leave our home. I am a nervous wreck, extremely stressed and don't feel anything good will happen. I feel I would put an unnecessary burden on my husband, by paying CS to the state along with medical and dental. But since he has not been in the system ever and Social Services is aware of the arrangement, they strongly advised him to keep things the way they are and not go into the system and they are trying to work something out with a relative but I don't think the relative will be able to care for the child so it appears the child will have to live with us until she turns 18 unless she wants to go to Job Corp. Job Corp is voluntary and she has no interest in that at this time. My main concern was trying to figure out a way where the child did not have to live with us in our home. With the mother refusing to take her back was unexpected and just heartbreaking for me. The side comment about CS was all me not wanting to put him in the system so I apologize to everyone for that. We will just have to bite the bullet and deal with the situation until she turns 18. Who knows.....maybe a miracle will happens and she will turn her life around. I pray about this all the time. I hope this clear things up and sorry for coming across the way I did. Thank you for your time.