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  1. #1
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    Default Can a Stepparent Refuse to Allow a Stepchild to Live in Her Home

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California.

    Background:
    My husband took in his daughter just over a year and a half ago a month before she turned 15. She is now 16 1/2 years old. She caused her mother many problems with lying and stealing and finally getting kicked out of the 9th grade. In an argument with her mother who took her cell phone away, she took an excessive amount of Ibuprofen's and ended up in a 72 hour hold and the doctor strongly recommended the teenager come live with us. We accepted the challenge and it has been 10 times worse since she has been with us. From stealing my old cell phone and creating hundreds (over 700 to be exact) of inappropriate photos, videos from her practicing to dance like a stripper to mixing alcohol with candy and finally sneaking her unknown boyfriend into our home while we are at work to have sex among the fact that she can't keep any friends and is always getting into fights at school. Her behavior on social media is completely unacceptable. We have taken her cell phone away but she is becoming more resentful.

    Problem:
    Social services has now been called three times as she keeps saying that we are neglecting her and physically abusing her. The police have also come and investigated the case and after finding out her entire history have closed the case. The problem is this. I don't want her living in our home anymore. I am a legal secretary and Notary Public and must maintain a crystal clean record. My entire family is afraid she will hurt herself and say I did it. We are oil and water and simply do not get along.

    We have begged and I mean begged her mother to take her back but she refuses citing the fact that she has two younger kids from her ex-husband and does not want her to be an influence on them plus she is going through a divorce and fighting custody and believes she will hurt her case.

    I feel trapped and a prisoner in my own home. I am to the point where I might just leave. I cannot wait until the day she turns 18. For the record, I did not always feel this way about her. I actually had a decent relationship with her and took her out to many places. It wasn't until after I found out she was stealing my money from my purse, stealing my cell phones, watches, expensive make-up and sneaking boys into our home and the last straw telling social services that I abuse her to "Deflect" what a trouble maker she is.

    She has gotten kicked out of school again and we are now forced to register her in a 4th school.
    My husband doesn't want her in our home either but we both feel trapped.

    QUESTION:
    What rights do step-parents have? Can I refuse her to live in our home without my husband being put in a position to pay child support to the state? What options do we have as no one in her family wants to take her in? We said her grandmother on her dad's side would take her in but social services said no because she lives out of state. Any guidance or if I have any rights, please let me know. I am now desperate.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Refuse to Allow a Stepchild to Live in Her Home

    Quote Quoting StepParent007
    View Post
    QUESTION:
    What rights do step-parents have? Can I refuse her to live in our home without my husband being put in a position to pay child support to the state? What options do we have as no one in her family wants to take her in? We said her grandmother on her dad's side would take her in but social services said no because she lives out of state. Any guidance or if I have any rights, please let me know. I am now desperate.
    You have absolutely no rights - at all. You could tell your husband to choose, but it seems like he's already done that anyway. YES, he will be paying child support - why shouldn't he support his child?

    Frankly, your husband needs to grow a pair and help his daughter. If HE truly thinks the situation is intolerable, he needs to contact social services and tell them HE doesn't want her either.

    This poor child. Shame on the adults in her family. ALL of you.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Refuse to Allow a Stepchild to Live in Her Home

    The child needed help when she first starting acting out. It is easy to say things when you are not the one being used and abused by the child. Everyone thinks they can manage the child, until the child lives with them and does the same things to them they did to you and other family members.

    I agree with Dogmatique , it is time for dad to call social services and tell them the child is unmanageable and he needs to put her in foster care or a facility. It will be cheaper for dad to pay the child support money than for you to lose your job or for ya'll to be sued if/when something happens ya'll are responsible for. You need to do this Now before she gets pregnant, if she isn't already.

    Do you and her dad have children of your own ? How long have yo and her dad been married ? Has she been in regular counseling and you and your husband in family counseling ? I'm just curious.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Refuse to Allow a Stepchild to Live in Her Home

    Unless dad was completely out of the picture until the daughter moved in, he had a responsibility to get her help before he did. I can tell you that if my child lived with her dad primarily and started stealing at the age of 7, I would be doing everything i possibly could, including taking her to therapy on my time. He had a responsibilty to her this whole time, not just when she moved in.

    I also think its crap that because both of her parents failed to get her help when the issues began, that everyone is ready to wash their hands of her. These issues started at 7! Who would you blame when the child is that age? Certainly not the child. And if she has only recently in the last few years started being forced to get help, who else would be to blame for that? I am not saying she shouldnt be trying to help herself, but Mom AND Dad, failed this girl.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Refuse to Allow a Stepchild to Live in Her Home

    Since I can't close out the thread, I will respond.
    Telling someone they should not steal after they have been caught and now seeking legal advice and/or seeking what options are available to them is a little late. Clearly, the person knows this. My step-daughter already knows she should not steal so what good would it be telling her that? Making this statement really serves no purpose. A more productive statement would be, there are programs or counseling available for people who like to steal, would you be open to this or something like that. The person wants to know what options are available. If indeed it was a first offense, can they do community service, what is the minimum amount of time they have to serve, things like that. I thought this forum was for advice, not judgments. My point is I did not come on here to be judged or chastised. I simply came on to ask for advice or if I had any rights as a step-parent. A simple you have no rights unfortunately would have sufficed regardless of my child support remark. I never said that he didn't want to pay it but he has never been in the system and had a verbal with the mom all these years. It was social services that strongly recommended that we don't get in the system as it would be a very different situation. Social services told us if they put her in foster care, he would get put in the system and pay the maximum and that would not be good for my husband. We were simply looking for other options besides turning her over to the state and getting entered into the system. If you don't relate to my situation or disagree with any of my statements, that is perfectly fine but to judge me defeats the whole purpose. I am being abused by a step-child who wants to call social services if you take her phone away or tell her she can't go anywhere. It is very stressful. For the record, I do not do any of the discipline. That is between her dad and her mom. I stay out of it.

    As for getting into the game late, I meant as far as us raising her in our home. The dad has had a relationship with the child her entire life and has been very active. But the child never lived with us until she was 15 years old and it is a very different scenario when a child comes to spend every weekend, and you go to the movies and have fun to when a child comes to live with you under your roof and go to school and provide all their needs. I can't say for sure when the issue started but my guess is around 6 years old. She always had a penchant for stealing small things and although both parents were very aware, the mom insisted it was a phase and she would grow out of it as she got older. Instead, it got worse and as a step-parent with no rights as you clearly indicated I have none, there was nothing I could do. Her stealing progressively became worse as she got older, the lying, then the social media inappropriate behavior, fighting and so forth. There was no specific traumatic event in her life that we know of and we all don't think one happened. She is very vocal and would be quick to say if something did. Her only complaint that she has ever been vocal about was why did her mom and dad split up and always believes that I broke them up which I had nothing to do with. Her mom has confirmed I had nothing to do with it. Her dad has told her that but it appears she never got over that. She continually tries to start trouble between me and her dad and all her attempts keep failing but doesn't stop her from trying whenever she can.
    In fact, social services is really going out of their way to help because the mother and the father and myself are all on the same page. They told us they rarely ever see when the mother and father are not together that they agree on everything when it comes to the child. That usually one parent says the other is not doing a good job and so forth. In this case, I can honestly say that they have both been actively involved in her life more so than I normally see and co-parent very well together. I do believe she needs some serious counseling but her counseling needs to be in a live-in counseling home. Living in our home or her mom's home will not improve her behavior. Something drastic has to happen for her to finally see the light and change.

    I am very sorry to hear about your situation with your kids especially since terrible events happened that led to her issues. In my particular case, there was no external event that happened. She has been the way she has since she was very little but everyone thought she would grow out of it. Being a step parent with no rights is extremely difficult when dealing with a troubled child. I don't even want to go home until the dad gets home. I don't want to be alone in my own home with her. My parents are afraid that she will do something to hurt herself and say I did it. They are petrified of her. They have witnessed her behavior since she was little as well and believe she is capable of anything.
    I will just continue to pray.
    Thank you.

    ReadytoLeave.
    I strongly disagree with your comments as it is easier to judge from the outside looking in when you still do not know all the details.
    As a Senior Member, it is appalling that members on this forum continually want to judge and point fingers at everyone, the parents and so forth.
    Several different departments of social services, school counselors, police officers have all been involved and not one of them have pointed the fingers at the parents.
    This is getting ridiculous. I can tell you for a fact that both parents have been heavily involved and have shown this child so much attention and love but it was just never enough.
    This child knows better. She knows right from wrong. She has told us that if we don't give her a phone she will steal it period.
    She is a bully and bullies other kids at school and fights them.
    She makes threats to other kids on a regular basis.
    She tries to bully us.
    This kind of judgment is mind boggling to me.
    For the record, the dad was in the picture the entire time. Because her behavioral problems was on a small level in her younger years and the mom believed she would grow out of it and plenty was done. She was constantly being talked to and receiving consequences as what any normal parent would do.
    Mom and dad did NOT fail this girl but if it makes you feel better to make that statement and point the finger, have a field day with it.

    I have learned a great lesson here today and I must thank you for the great lesson I have learned here today.
    Other people who don't know you behind a computer in this social media age will always think they can judge and if they were in the same situation could do better.
    I guarantee you that if you raised this girl instead, the same problem would have happened.
    For the record, no one blamed her when she was 7. The parents were teaching her right from wrong. She is 16 years old and clearly knows right from wrong. When the stealing graduated and the behavior graduated is when they started to get counseling but ReadyToLeave Senior Member, thanks for all your comments and I thought Facebook was bad.
    Everyone has been heavily involved in her life, her aunts, her grandmother, her mom, her other step-dad........everyone..........has been overly involved more than I have ever seen and for you to say mom and dad failed her even though I am not her biological mom is offensive to me. I have never seen a mom and dad come together and co-parent in harmony like these parents have.
    There is no possible way I can summarize and provide all the details in this child's life so you get a full picture but it appears the more information I provide, the more judgmental everyone becomes without providing some guidance or solution, just a finger to point.
    God bless you all.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Refuse to Allow a Stepchild to Live in Her Home

    From your first post:

    “QUESTION:
    What rights do step-parents have? Can I refuse her to live in our home without my husband being put in a position to pay child support to the state? What options do we have as no one in her family wants to take her in? We said her grandmother on her dad's side would take her in but social services said no because she lives out of state. Any guidance or if I have any rights, please let me know. I am now desperate.”

    Stepparents have NO legal rights to stepchildren. You chose to take on that responsibility when you married her father. If she has had trouble THIS LONG why didn’t anyone step in? Why didn’t your husband – her father – step in and try to help? I bet it was a lot easier to judge her mother than for either of you to do something. Your husband’s options are to call social services and put her in foster care or a facility.

    From your second post – this forum does not and cannot provide LEGAL advice. Perhaps the father should have gone to court for visitation and child support if they weren’t ever married. Verbal with mom doesn’t really mean anything. “Social services told us if they put her in foster care, he would get put in the system and pay the maximum and that would not be good for my husband.” Ahh I see it’s all about what’s best for your husband not his daughter. That makes more sense now. He doesn’t want to have to do anything to care for his daughter through the state. Got it. Maybe someone should have instilled some discipline in her years ago and you could still do it now. But if you and her mom and dad are just going to let her run things that’s the problem.

    Obviously her dad wasn’t very active if she has had discipline problems her entire life. Did the mom tell him that she was misbehaving? So she’s been like this since 6 and your husband had NO idea? Then either the mom was hiding it OR she told him and he just ignored her because he didn’t “see” the problem. No there are things you could do when she got to your house. Or you could have talked to your husband about it. But apparently no one in this child’s life gives a crap about her and are all worried about how THEY look to the state. Nothing traumatic happened in her life? Her parents separating is obviously traumatic for her and is for most kids.

    I had stepkids at one point. The youngest who is now 8 has severe anger issues. When he was at my house, you better believe if he acted out I would discipline him by taking away the PS3 (which was mine) and taking away TV privileges. He would tell his dad if he wasn’t there and his dad would agree with me (my ex husband). They also have a stepfather and he disciplines them while they are at home. In the home yes you can discipline if it’s something that needs addressed. Such as my former stepson would throw the controller to the game or hit his other sister (not our daughter his older sister) and if he did those things acting out violently yeah I put him in place whether his dad was there or not. I’m not going to let a kid act that way. Being a stepparent has gray areas yes – but you can discipline when they are in your home.

    You better read some other threads if you think you have been “judged.” If you can’t handle the answers you get and not the responses you want public forums aren’t your place. People need to read the disclaimer a bit more.

    You say she’s a bully – why? Bullies are usually being bullied by someone else. Has anyone talked to her teachers? Has anyone sent her to counseling? Has anyone sat her down and just talked to her? Kids don’t just usually wake up one day and say “I’m going to be a little asshole for the rest of my life.” SOMETHING triggers it. So yeah you deserve the judgement you get because IMO you have all failed this child in some way. This could have been STOPPED at six years old.

    If I was in your situation I would do better. I did do better. If I were to marry someone else and they had a small child with behavioral problems I would find out why. I would talk to my husband and ask him what have they done and point them in the right direction to get help. If he was resistant to my suggestions I don’t think we would have been married then.

    I guarantee if I raised that girl instead I would have squashed that shit at six years old. You say everyone has been “heavily involved” but obviously they haven’t and they’ve missed quite a bit. You, your husband and the entire family need some counseling along with her. I feel sorry for the kids in that family. You can hate my comments and call me judgmental all you want. I don’t care what you think.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Refuse to Allow a Stepchild to Live in Her Home

    When were you and dad married ?

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Refuse to Allow a Stepchild to Live in Her Home

    I actually feel very sorry for all of you. I feel sorry for the child because there is a chance that she did not get the help/discipline/structure she needed growing up. I feel sorry for the OP because she obviously does not feel safe in her own home and that is no way to live and she is not a parent of this child. I also feel sorry for the parents because I doubt that they deliberately did their child wrong, and perhaps are dealing with a child that might have been bad no matter what they did.

    None of us have the right to judge because none of us have walked in any of their shoes. Not the OP's, not the parent's, not the child's. Perhaps the best thing to do at this point is to get everyone into counseling and to see if some sort of inpatient treatment for the child is a viable solution.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Refuse to Allow a Stepchild to Live in Her Home

    Yes, it sounds like counseling for the whole family is in order here. Not so much to change the child, but how the family deals with her. These things don't happen in a vacuum. The whole family dynamic needs to be looked at and worked on (much like with families of alcoholics etc). This is not meant to knock what the OP and her husband has done thus far- but to me it looks like the situation needs to be viewed with fresh eyes.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Refuse to Allow a Stepchild to Live in Her Home

    Quote Quoting StepParent007
    View Post
    I feel trapped and a prisoner in my own home. I am to the point where I might just leave. I cannot wait until the day she turns 18.
    Fundamentally, you're at the mercy of your husband and his ex-. You have no ability to keep him from allowing his daughter to live in his home, and sometimes it is the case that a stepparent has to move out rather than deal with an untenable home environment. Your husband's ability to exclude his daughter from his home is hampered by his legal duty to support and care for his minor child.
    Quote Quoting Mercy&Grace
    View Post
    I agree with Dogmatique , it is time for dad to call social services and tell them the child is unmanageable and he needs to put her in foster care or a facility. It will be cheaper for dad to pay the child support money than for you to lose your job or for ya'll to be sued if/when something happens ya'll are responsible for.
    Except that's not really how it works -- you can't simply call the state, declare that you have a difficult child that you no longer want to care for, and have the state assume your parental duties.

    Sometimes the answer (an$wer) is a private, residential school.
    Quote Quoting StepParent007
    View Post
    I guarantee you that if you raised this girl instead, the same problem would have happened.
    I guarantee you that every time I have heard somebody insist that a child's behavior problems arose in a vacuum, that nothing the parents did could have stopped the problems from developing or lessened their severity, it turns out that the parents contributed to the problem. Here, you're simultaneously stating that nothing could have changed the problems, and that the problems were worsened by the mother's belief that the child would grow out of early behavior problems. Do you see the contradiction?

    When a child needs psychological or psychiatric care, the parents should help the child get that care.

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