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  1. #1

    Default My Ex Uses Our Son to Spy on Me

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Virginia

    A sad Christmas Story...

    I routinely have to deal with low level interference from my ex-wife. My son is 15, but matures emotionally at a slower pace than average (i.e., zero interest in girls so far, still rides in the backseat of the car even though he's over 12 and is no longer endangered by airbags, etc.), and is small for his age. I'm engaged and we plan to marry in the later half of next year. My fiancee in an attempt to be cordial gave a small Christmas gift (a book) to my ex-wife (through me). Three days later when my ex came to pick up my son she returned the book newly wrapped to my fiancee (through me) and included a note telling my fiancee to discourage me from engaging in certain behaviors with my son. She even included a picture that my son had taken on his cell phone and passed onto my ex. What can I do to prevent the spying? Might a judge sanction my ex over this? Thanks in advance...

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
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    Default Re: Ex Uses My Son to Spy on Me

    Your son took a picture of something on his phone. His mother obtained the picture, perhaps without his knowledge. You now want to accuse him of spying on his mother's behalf and trying to get the court to sanction her for scolding you over "certain behaviors" that you have chosen not to describe to us?

    I suspect that if you go to court on those facts, it won't be your wife you is the most likely person to be sanctioned by the court. Perhaps you left out some important facts that would help us better understand your position?

  3. #3

    Default Re: Ex Uses My Son to Spy on Me

    Quote Quoting Mr. Knowitall
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    Your son took a picture of something on his phone. His mother obtained the picture, perhaps without his knowledge. You now want to accuse him of spying on his mother's behalf and trying to get the court to sanction her for scolding you over "certain behaviors" that you have chosen not to describe to us?

    I suspect that if you go to court on those facts, it won't be your wife you is the most likely person to be sanctioned by the court. Perhaps you left out some important facts that would help us better understand your position?
    Some background...

    My ex and I met, were married, and agreed to raise our children in Religion A. Several years ago when my ex separated from me she took my son and had him baptized in Religion B without me knowing and he claims to now be an adherent of Religion B and he attends Religion B with my ex on her weekends and now refused to attend Religion A with me on my weekends (and for the record I've offered to take him to Religion B most weekends and he had always turned me down.)

    I had a closed folder out in the open (which I should have tucked away after I was done with it) containing a collection of unhappy things from the separation/divorce, and the folder itself is labeled in such a manner. One of those items was the certificate of a religious event from Religion B, in which my son participated without my knowledge. My son snapped a picture of the folder along with the religious certificate. My ex's message to my fiancee was that I should respect my son's religion (religion B) and not demean it. As an aside, my son is routinely telling my ex what's happening in my home and is completely tight-lipped about what happens in my ex's home.

  4. #4
    Join Date
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    Default Re: Ex Uses My Son to Spy on Me

    Quote Quoting just.a.programmer
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    Some background...

    My ex and I met, were married, and agreed to raise our children in Religion A. Several years ago when my ex separated from me she took my son and had him baptized in Religion B without me knowing and he claims to now be an adherent of Religion B and he attends Religion B with my ex on her weekends and now refused to attend Religion A with me on my weekends (and for the record I've offered to take him to Religion B most weekends and he had always turned me down.)

    I had a closed folder out in the open (which I should have tucked away after I was done with it) containing a collection of unhappy things from the separation/divorce, and the folder itself is labeled in such a manner. One of those items was the certificate of a religious event from Religion B, in which my son participated without my knowledge. My son snapped a picture of the folder along with the religious certificate. My ex's message to my fiancee was that I should respect my son's religion (religion B) and not demean it. As an aside, my son is routinely telling my ex what's happening in my home and is completely tight-lipped about what happens in my ex's home.
    Your ex is correct in that you should respect your son's religion and not demean it. The fact that you left a folder regarding the divorce out in the open for your son to find is on you. Your son may be upset about things you do and he is allowed to discuss that with his mother. You are acting petty.

  5. #5
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    Oct 2006
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    16,474

    Default Re: Ex Uses My Son to Spy on Me

    Quote Quoting Ohiogal
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    Your ex is correct in that you should respect your son's religion and not demean it. The fact that you left a folder regarding the divorce out in the open for your son to find is on you. Your son may be upset about things you do and he is allowed to discuss that with his mother. You are acting petty.
    Ditto

  6. #6

    Default Re: Ex Uses My Son to Spy on Me

    Good points. Thanks for letting me cool off a bit...

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    Default Re: Ex Uses My Son to Spy on Me

    Dad, please answer honestly. How involved is your fiancee with this whole thing? I'm asking because I think she may be a source of frustration for Mom or, at the very least, perhaps the focus of Mom's irritation. Y'know?

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
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    172

    Default Re: My Ex Uses Our Son to Spy on Me

    Just want to throw out a different perspective for you.

    First, if you have the type of relationship with your ex in which you believe she would spy on you, I have to assume that you do NOT have an amicable situation between the households. With that in mind, even a small gift from your fiance is likely to be viewed as a hostile act. It wasn't wise your fiance to send a book as a gift. There are too many connotations to books. They are too easily misinterpreted. A cordial gift would be a plate of candy or cookies. Not a book - especially not one in this context.

    Second, your son is CHOOSING his behaviors. If he is spying, then set the focus on his behavior. You cannot control what your son does any more than your ex can. Your ex can't make your son spy. He isn't some mindless pawn in the household. And it sounds like your son may not feel like he can talk with you about things. Considering that he took a picture of the divorce folder and never mentioned it, he may see you as overly aggressive toward his mom. It wasn't wise to leave that folder out. You may want to use that photo as a way to apologize to your son for upsetting him.

    And he may actually be quite interested in girls. If he doesn't feel safe talking to you, he may just be keeping his feelings hidden.

  9. #9

    Default Re: Ex Uses My Son to Spy on Me

    Quote Quoting Ohiogal
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    Your ex is correct in that you should respect your son's religion and not demean it. The fact that you left a folder regarding the divorce out in the open for your son to find is on you. Your son may be upset about things you do and he is allowed to discuss that with his mother. You are acting petty.
    Yes I should respect my son's beliefs, but I have every right to teach my son according to my faith and to have my ex-wife affirm to my son that in my home he follows my rules. And I should affirm to my son that in his mothers house he follows her rules. She deviated from religion A to religion B. I'm simply following the course that we originally agreed to.

  10. #10
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    Jul 2006
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    Default Re: Ex Uses My Son to Spy on Me

    Quote Quoting just.a.programmer
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    Yes I should respect my son's beliefs, but I have every right to teach my son according to my faith and to have my ex-wife affirm to my son that in my home he follows my rules. And I should affirm to my son that in his mothers house he follows her rules. She deviated from religion A to religion B. I'm simply following the course that we originally agreed to.
    You don't have a right to force that. You don't seem to believe that you should respect his religion -- not if he is saying you don't. You are going to lose your son when he turns 18. You also shouldn't be leaving out stuff that you don't want your son to see. Especially when it concerns his life. The court you originally agreed to? Doesn't matter. Nor will a court enforce it.

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