Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 34

Hybrid View

  1. #1

    Default How to Deal With Co-Parenting Issues

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: TN

    Hello!
    I have previous threads if you would like to review.
    My son’s father and I have come to an agreement with no hearing of 50/50 time, shared decisions, and no support. I am continuing to homeschool, so the actual time is more in my favor since my son is with me for some of dad’s “time.” We have been exercising this plan for about 5 months and I have some serious concerns and would like your thoughts on what I can or should do about them.
    The first thing is the amount of time that my son is left to himself to play video games or watch Youtube videos – basically every waking minute, and sometimes late into the night/early morning. I have discussed this with dad (who also spends every waking minute on video games) many times and shared scientific research articles about the brain damage that occurs in children who play too much- which he takes offense to... However, he agreed to limit time to two hours a day which is still too much according to the scientists, but he doesn’t actually do it. I have tried to teach my son to make healthier choices, and that playing video games for a long time is bad for his brain, but he’s 8! He can’t be expected to parent himself.
    The second thing is that all of this time on the computer is not at all supervised. My son has been exposed to pornography on several occasions. I have parental software on his laptop, but he has an X-Box at dads that he uses for the “things he can’t do on the computer” – his words. I have mentioned this to dad and gotten no response, and the situation has not been corrected.
    The third thing is that my son tells me that his dad yells at him a lot, and the things he’s getting in trouble for are tiny things that most people wouldn’t even care about. He is very afraid of his father yet he still wants to go to his house because he gets to play video games all day long. My son has told me that if he couldn’t play video games at his dad’s house, he wouldn’t want to go there at all!
    As part of homeschool I teach my son about character and doing to right thing… many times dad comes up in these conversations. My son is beginning to realize that his dad is not a good person… awkward conversations for me because I can’t tell my son that his dad is a bad parent, I am left to try to teach my son how to cope with a situation that he shouldn’t have to. I have taken to sending a lot of homework with my son to his dad’s house… he is left to manage his time completely on his own and it doesn’t really get done, but I can’t talk to dad about that because I’m afraid of how he’ll treat my son for not doing it.
    So you have any thoughts on this situation? I’ve been overly nice to dad, but I believe that my son is being harmed far more by dad’s parenting decisions than he would be by our not having an amicable relationship…

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    2,289

    Default Re: Co-Parenting Issues

    What exactly is the question? Are you wanting to take him back to court? Because that won't go very well for either of you. Judges do not usually like parents who act like children.

    You are homeschooling him yet he spends every waking moment on video games? Or is this only at dad's house?

    You need to sit down with your ex one on one away from the child. Lay it out for him. If he does not want to comply then I guess your only option is to take him to court and get something in writing.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Officially across the country from where I've been all my life
    Posts
    4,494

    Default Re: Co-Parenting Issues

    These are parenting differences and the court doesn't get in the middle of it. People are able to parent differently from you. Your child isn't going to get brain damage from playing video games.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Co-Parenting Issues

    Only at Dad's house. We use the computer for school like math with Khan Academy and one of the things I'm teaching him is how to code/computer animation... so there is some screen time involved with school, but at dad's house he watches whatever videos he wants and plays video games, unless I send a lot of homework to dad's house, which I always send some.

    I think I may need to take him back to court eventually to ask for our parenting plan to be adjusted because what I agreed to isn't working very well. It's certainly not best for my son. My question is, what kind of things should I be doing now besides keeping record of our conversations and the effects I'm seeing in my son? How long is reasonable for me to continue in this situation - trying to work it out with dad - without taking any legal action?

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Officially across the country from where I've been all my life
    Posts
    4,494

    Default Re: Co-Parenting Issues

    I doubt very seriously that the court is going to order your ex to parent the same way you do. In fact, I'm positive of it.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    835

    Default Re: Co-Parenting Issues

    Do you actually have a court order regarding parenting time? It is confusing because you mention that you and Dad came to an agreement without a hearing, but then also mentioned that you will have to take him back to court eventually. If you have a court order, follow that if your non court ordered agreement between the two of you is not working out.

    With that being said you aren't really trying to work with dad. You are trying to control how dad parents your mutual child. You don't get a say in what he does on his time, just as he doesn't get a say in what you do on yours. If you take these concerns to court, you should be prepared for nothing to change because nothing dad is doing is actually wrong. You may not agree with how he is parenting, because you clearly don't think he is as good as you are at it, but you could be the best mother in the world and you still don't actually get a say in what he does on his time.

    So if you don't like how things are going in your informal agreement, then follow your court order. If you don't have a court order, go get one that outlines a visitation plan, during which you still won't have the ability to boss dad around on his parenting time. Be prepared also, dad might be even less willing to work with you on your demands on his parenting style.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Behind a Desk
    Posts
    98,846

    Default Re: Co-Parenting Issues

    Quote Quoting Mom521
    View Post
    The first thing is the amount of time that my son is left to himself to play video games or watch Youtube videos – basically every waking minute, and sometimes late into the night/early morning. I have discussed this with dad (who also spends every waking minute on video games) many times and shared scientific research articles about the brain damage that occurs in children who play too much- which he takes offense to.
    Dad is entitled to set his own screen time rules, and to reject (or laugh at, then reject) decidedly non-scientific articles that argue that screen time causes brain damage.
    Quote Quoting Mom521
    However, he agreed to limit time to two hours a day which is still too much according to the scientists, but he doesn’t actually do it.
    With due respect to the non-scientists, it's still dad's call during dad's parenting time.
    Quote Quoting Mom521
    The second thing is that all of this time on the computer is not at all supervised. My son has been exposed to pornography on several occasions.
    Without more facts and context, we can't really comment on that. For example, if you mean that junior once or twice came across a picture of a naked person on the Internet, that's something that can be addressed in a discussion to him or parent-to-parent, but is not a big deal unless you turn it into one. If you mean that junior is actively searching for hardcore pornography at the age of eight, there are bigger issues to worry about than whether dad has installed parental software.
    Quote Quoting Mom521
    The third thing is that my son tells me that his dad yells at him a lot, and the things he’s getting in trouble for are tiny things that most people wouldn’t even care about.
    Dad is entitled to set his own household rules, and to enforce those rules. If you believe that dad is being too strict with junior -- the opposite of what the balance of your post suggests -- you may discuss your concerns with dad and perhaps try to define some joint rules that can be consistently enforced between households.

    You also need to keep in mind that when an eight-year-old relates how the other parent disciplines him, particularly when he senses what the parent asking about the discipline wants to hear, he may embellish.
    Quote Quoting Mom521
    As part of homeschool I teach my son about character and doing to right thing… many times dad comes up in these conversations. My son is beginning to realize that his dad is not a good person… awkward conversations for me because I can’t tell my son that his dad is a bad parent
    How does this work?

    "People who do [stuff that your dad does] are bad people!"
    "Are you saying that dad's a bad person?"
    "You'll have to draw your own conclusion."

    You make it sound like you're using homeschooling to venture into some dangerous territory, and are trying to use lessons on 'character' to turn your son against his father. Seriously -- that's how you make it sound.
    Quote Quoting Mom521
    I have taken to sending a lot of homework with my son to his dad’s house… he is left to manage his time completely on his own and it doesn’t really get done, but I can’t talk to dad about that because I’m afraid of how he’ll treat my son for not doing it.
    That statement raises the question of whether you're deliberately sending a lot of homework with junior to dad's house because you want to interfere with the plans dad would otherwise have with junior. Also, dad may be of the opinion that you're imposing excessive homework demands on the child or are assigning a lot of "busy work", such that dad's simply not seeing the importance of your assignments. Dad may also see no reason why he can't do his 'homework' at his home school. You have not indicated that you have discussed these issues with dad, so is it reasonable to infer that you have not?

    Beyond that, parents can legitimately take different approaches to homework. Some parents believe that children need to learn to be responsible for their own homework, and that they should face the natural consequences of their failure to do so. That's a legitimate approach to teaching responsibility, even for an eight-year-old.

    So far, it sounds like you need to work on your communication with dad, that you need to be more cautious about what you are saying to your child and teaching your child that may negatively affect his relationship with dad, and that you need to think more carefully about when and how you pick your battles.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Co-Parenting Issues

    Scientific articles I'm talking about are not written by journalists trying to interpret/spin to their own liking - I'm very well aware that journalists are not scientists, but any average person can obtain actual scientific reports, though the average person might not understand them. I am fortunate to have been educated in a field of science that exposed me to actual science.

    As far as the pornography concern, my son has ventured into adult websites that seem to target kids through web based games, at least as best as I can tell through what the parental control software reporting shows. He asks me questions sometimes that suggest he's seen some pretty vulgar things..

    I'm not talking about him being too strict when he yells.. I'm talking about him being emotionally abusive. I'm all for rules, but when a kid gets in trouble not for breaking rules but just because dad is grumpy, and the kid asks to be fed...
    I acknowledge that my son could be embellishing, but his fear is real, these are conversations we have on a regular basis.

    This is one example of the character lessons I'm talking about -
    Bible lesson on patience contains Proverbs 14:29 Anyone who is patient has great understanding but anyone who gets angry quickly shows how foolish they are - turns into a conversation about dad because dad gets angry quickly. My response is to try to turn the conversation back to how my son should act and how everyone has things that the are not very good at, and need to work on. I'm not trying to create conflict for my son.

    Also, just because I'm not detailing for you the affects these things are having on my son, they are affecting him negatively. I would like to resolve the issues before they become serious enough to take to court, but I am willing to do that if I have to. Not to force dad to parent the way I do, or just make better decisions, but to change the parenting time to reflect what is better for my son.

    Also, video games in excessive amounts (or any other screen time excessively) do cause brain damage. I can send you the research if you would like.

    Quote Quoting Mr. Knowitall
    View Post
    Well, if you take the matter back to court over trivial issues and your desire to control his parenting, he can certainly raise the issue of whether the homeschooling should continue.
    I'm prepared to fight that battle. My son is doing extremely well in homeschool.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    835

    Default Re: Co-Parenting Issues

    Quote Quoting Mom521
    View Post
    Scientific articles I'm talking about are not written by journalists trying to interpret/spin to their own liking - I'm very well aware that journalists are not scientists, but any average person can obtain actual scientific reports, though the average person might not understand them. I am fortunate to have been educated in a field of science that exposed me to actual science.

    As far as the pornography concern, my son has ventured into adult websites that seem to target kids through web based games, at least as best as I can tell through what the parental control software reporting shows. He asks me questions sometimes that suggest he's seen some pretty vulgar things..

    I'm not talking about him being too strict when he yells.. I'm talking about him being emotionally abusive. I'm all for rules, but when a kid gets in trouble not for breaking rules but just because dad is grumpy, and the kid asks to be fed...
    I acknowledge that my son could be embellishing, but his fear is real, these are conversations we have on a regular basis.

    This is one example of the character lessons I'm talking about -
    Bible lesson on patience contains Proverbs 14:29 Anyone who is patient has great understanding but anyone who gets angry quickly shows how foolish they are - turns into a conversation about dad because dad gets angry quickly. My response is to try to turn the conversation back to how my son should act and how everyone has things that the are not very good at, and need to work on. I'm not trying to create conflict for my son.

    Also, just because I'm not detailing for you the affects these things are having on my son, they are affecting him negatively. I would like to resolve the issues before they become serious enough to take to court, but I am willing to do that if I have to. Not to force dad to parent the way I do, or just make better decisions, but to change the parenting time to reflect what is better for my son.

    Also, video games in excessive amounts (or any other screen time excessively) do cause brain damage. I can send you the research if you would like.



    I'm prepared to fight that battle. My son is doing extremely well in homeschool.
    Your son has an actual fear of his father, but not enough of one to deter him from going there to play video games?

    And you are creating conflict for your son. You just don't see your part in it. You are having regular conversations with him about how his father is not only not a good father, but also not a good person? Do you understand how damaging that is? Your son is going to believe that half of him is bad once he figures out how babies are made. You are so high on research, look up the long term psychological effects a person has when there is parental alienation.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Behind a Desk
    Posts
    98,846

    Default Re: Co-Parenting Issues

    Quote Quoting Mom521
    View Post
    Scientific articles I'm talking about are not written by journalists trying to interpret/spin to their own liking
    Journalists have nothing to do with it. If they say what you claim, they're not written by scientists. Idiots, hacks, charlatans, maybe, but not scientists.

    As for your supposed education, there's no actual field of science called "Junk Science".
    Quote Quoting Mom521
    As far as the pornography concern, my son has ventured into adult websites that seem to target kids through web based games, at least as best as I can tell through what the parental control software reporting shows. He asks me questions sometimes that suggest he's seen some pretty vulgar things.
    If your parental reporting software is what documents the access, then the issue is occurring at your house and not dad's, and dad's use of the software would not stop the access.
    Quote Quoting Mom521
    I'm not talking about him being too strict when he yells.. I'm talking about him being emotionally abusive. I'm all for rules, but when a kid gets in trouble not for breaking rules but just because dad is grumpy, and the kid asks to be fed...
    Now you're changing your story. But really, parents get grouchy sometimes. If you're honest, you'll recognize that you have at times been grouchy toward your child.
    Quote Quoting Mom521
    Bible lesson on patience contains Proverbs 14:29 Anyone who is patient has great understanding but anyone who gets angry quickly shows how foolish they are - turns into a conversation about dad because dad gets angry quickly.
    A conversation is a two-way discussion, not the natural product of a Bible lesson. But if you can't discuss passages like Proverbs 14:29 without having the conversation turn to dad, I suggest that you be more circumspect about the passages you select -- the Bible gives you a lot to work with.
    Quote Quoting Mom521
    I would like to resolve the issues before they become serious enough to take to court, but I am willing to do that if I have to.
    Then you had best start trying to communicate more effectively with dad.

    1. Sponsored Links
       

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Getting Fired: Are Health Issues a Defense to Termination for Performance Issues
    By jlcrook in forum Employment and Labor
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 01-03-2015, 06:21 PM
  2. Custody and Visitation Issues: Parenting Time Expeditor Issues
    By hoppingmadinMN in forum Child Custody, Support and Visitation
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 11-09-2012, 11:55 AM
  3. Kidnapping Legal Issues with Ex and Parenting-Time
    By yuhashc in forum Child Custody, Support and Visitation
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 03-09-2011, 08:33 PM
  4. Modification of Custody: Filing to Modify Parenting and Restrict Parenting Time
    By da3ley in forum Child Custody, Support and Visitation
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 08-04-2010, 07:10 PM
  5. Transfer of Title: Bad Car Deal and Title Issues
    By dad1 in forum Cars and Dealerships
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 11-12-2008, 06:02 PM
 
 
Sponsored Links

Legal Help, Information and Resources