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  1. #1

    Default Separation While Living Under the Same Roof

    My question involves a marriage in the state of: New York

    We are EU citizens, with Green Cards. Moved to N.Y. 12 years ago.
    Have been married 20 years. My wife has always been a homemaker, has a high school diploma and has never had a paying job.
    She is 45 years old and I am 50.
    We have not been sleeping together for the past 5 years, and I moved to the guest bedroom 3 years ago.
    Except for no intimate relations, and me sleeping in another bedroom, everything else has been pretty much a continuation of the previous situation: I bring home the paycheck, pay bills, take care of home maintenance (landscaping, fixing, etc), pay for her leased car, and she takes care of the house (cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, shopping, etc).
    We have dinner at table all together, relatively peacefully, we go together shopping for groceries on weekend, vacation all together (in that case sleep in same bed without any intimate contact)
    Her english is still pretty broken (she watches EU tv, reads only in her language of origin), and our child relies upon me to help him out with homework, involvement with school, sports, and almost all extra curricular activities.
    She has a credit card she uses judiciously, we have a joint bank account.
    We live in Westchester, I am making sub $90k gross, we own a house with a 30% mortgage, and economically I could not sustain to pay for alimony, child support, maintain 2 rented residences, and double bills, and try to save for college and retirement...
    Furthermore we would like for our only 10 year old child to still attend same school district, and where we live cost of rentals is very high.
    On the other hand we need to make the separation more formal, so we can at least move on with our sentimental lives.
    What are your suggestions for how we should manage the next phase?
    Thank you

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Separation Under Same Roof - New York Foreign Citizens

    You can't have it both ways. If you want a legal separation between you two, you need to either pursue the legal separation or divorce or you can consider as a household.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Separation While Living Under the Same Roof

    Quote Quoting MisterSandman
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    On the other hand we need to make the separation more formal, so we can at least move on with our sentimental lives.
    Meaning what? You would both introduce new romantic partners to the household?

    Exactly what is it that you want to accomplish?

  4. #4

    Default Re: Separation While Living Under the Same Roof

    Quote Quoting Mr. Knowitall
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    Meaning what? You would both introduce new romantic partners to the household?

    Exactly what is it that you want to accomplish?
    I am not sure, as I do not know what are the options and I am very confused. I do not know family law in this Country (nor in mine to tell the truth..)

    I understand I have a economic responsibility towards her as she has no means of economically sustaining herself. And the least expensive way is keeping the status quo. But at the same time I would like to start moving towards a legal separation, that would open up the possibility of both of us to start dating other people without it being considered adultery (at least from a legal stand point). And it would start to give up peace of mind. Also I fear that also for her it is easier to keep the economic situation rather than go out and try to find a job that presumably will be low paying, and at the same time would force us to rely upon child care and external house keeping, vanishing the benefits of her finding a job.
    Told you I am confused...

    Quote Quoting flyingron
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    or you can consider as a household.
    I don't know what this solution entails

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Separation While Living Under the Same Roof

    Quote Quoting MisterSandman
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    I am not sure, as I do not know what are the options and I am very confused. I do not know family law in this Country (nor in mine to tell the truth..)

    I understand I have a economic responsibility towards her as she has no means of economically sustaining herself. And the least expensive way is keeping the status quo. But at the same time I would like to start moving towards a legal separation, that would open up the possibility of both of us to start dating other people without it being considered adultery (at least from a legal stand point). And it would start to give up peace of mind. Also I fear that also for her it is easier to keep the economic situation rather than go out and try to find a job that presumably will be low paying, and at the same time would force us to rely upon child care and external house keeping, vanishing the benefits of her finding a job.
    Told you I am confused...



    I don't know what this solution entails
    Ok, the reality of things is that you have a 20 year marriage (a long term marriage) with a wife who speaks limited English. You can be pretty certain that you are going to be ordered to pay alimony.

    She has also clearly been the primary caretaker of the child (as a stay at home parent) therefore she is likely to get primary custody and therefore you will be paying child support.

    However, you will not have to pay her bills AND pay child support/alimony. However, its likely that you will either have to sell the house and split the equity so that you can both downsize into smaller living quarters, or you will have to refinance for enough to buy out her share of the equity.

    Since you are not familiar with how divorce/legal separation works in NY, it would really be in your best interest to at least consult with a local attorney.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Separation While Living Under the Same Roof

    I wonder how your child will perceive your proposed situation? Mom and Dad living together but dating others, even if the paramour isn't brought back to the home, will have an effect on him, unless he is made out of stone.

    Have you considered that?

  7. #7

    Default Re: Separation While Living Under the Same Roof

    Quote Quoting llworking
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    Ok, the reality of things is that you have a 20 year marriage (a long term marriage) with a wife who speaks limited English. You can be pretty certain that you are going to be ordered to pay alimony.

    She has also clearly been the primary caretaker of the child (as a stay at home parent) therefore she is likely to get primary custody and therefore you will be paying child support.

    However, you will not have to pay her bills AND pay child support/alimony. However, its likely that you will either have to sell the house and split the equity so that you can both downsize into smaller living quarters, or you will have to refinance for enough to buy out her share of the equity.

    Since you are not familiar with how divorce/legal separation works in NY, it would really be in your best interest to at least consult with a local attorney.
    Thank you

    Not good news but I suspected that was going to be the case...

    which is why I was considering if a in-house solution was a option. Also to keep her on my health insurance

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Separation While Living Under the Same Roof

    This is not the "how do I commit fraud and get away with it forum."
    Either you are married, in which you maintain a household and are entitled to the benefits of marriage such as health insurance coverage or you get legally separated and/or divorced and break all those ties. You can not have it both ways.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Separation While Living Under the Same Roof

    Quote Quoting MisterSandman
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    Thank you

    Not good news but I suspected that was going to be the case...

    which is why I was considering if a in-house solution was a option. Also to keep her on my health insurance
    Yeah...the heck with what your "in-house solution" will do to your kid.

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