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  1. #1

    Default Canceling a Visit Due to the Child's Illness

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: CA

    I'm new to this so please forgive any mistakes. I have a criminal protection order and a temporary restraining order against the abusive father of my infant. The baby is only protected by the TRO, not the CPO. He is sueing me for full custody, but I was awarded sole legal and physical custody pending the outcome of his criminal case for DV.

    He gets unsupervised visitation 4 days a week a few hours a day. My infant was showing symptoms of an illness for the past few days and I spoke with her Dr who advised me she may have had a contagious illness. I allowed her to have her scheduled visitation. The following morning her rash was worse, as well as other symptoms. I spoke with an advice nurse and decided to cancel her visit that day. My main reason was that she was possibly contagious.

    I am required to have a third party drop her off in a predetermined public place. He is supposed to have a third party pick her up, due to the CPO, but he always comes personally along with a third party. Anyway I didn't want to risk infecting others so I sent a text message which he never responded to letting him know she was worse and I had to decided cancel. The judge says I must text him with any medical contact and allow full access to her Dr. I had informed him 3 days prior she was sick and likely contagious, but as I said, she still had her visit. He never responded or mentioned her being sick to the friend who dropped her off and later picked her up that time either. I also emailed my attorney as well about needing to cancel.

    I assumed he got my message but an hour amd a half after his visit should have began, the police came to my house. They said he was violating the CPO, he should have no contact with the baby or me. I told them there was a court order, showing them the TRO with visitation, but they said the CPO trumps that. Now I'm confused, I wish he didn't have unsupervised visits, but I am going to do what the judge says as I am the respondent (he's the petitioner) and she won't issue my permanent RO just yet. I don't want to jeopardize my daughter being in my custody, even though she has lived with me exclusively since I left and went to a battered woman's shelter with her at a few months old.

    The police said he had sent them for a welfare check. They saw my infant was sick, said I did the right thing. They gave me an incident card indicating a report was taken. Can iv get a copy of that report later?

    I have every intention of allowing him to make up his missed visit. This is the only visit I had to cancel. It's frustrating because after everything he put me through, He is still controlling me, using a judge and the police. He has sent them out multiple times, and every time, they tell me they always see this in DV cases, but that my child looks fine.

    I feel trapped but my attorney says I can not do anything, since he claims I was the abusive one, and trying to fight it will substanciate his claims. I have police reports, photos of bruises, medical records and affidavits from shelter staff all showing his behavior. But so far only I have had to prove myself in court. Nothing I have requested in return has been granted, things like he refuses to use a child car seat properly, or drug testing and concerns of his own mental state. He admitted to the judge he uses drugs, but that he decided to get a medical marijuana card a few weeks back so the judge says she can't drug test him. My friends say he smells like marijuana when my daughter returns. He was told he is not to use drugs, prescription or not when he has her or prior to picking her up.

    I'm am terrified that cancelling her visit is going to give the judge reason to grant his request for full custody. One of his claims is I have Munchausen by proxy. Does telling him she was sick give proof of that? I have a letter from her Dr saying all my care of her has been appropriate and the judge subpoenaed both hers and my medical records to be reviewed before the next hearing. He also claims I am off medication for bi polar disorder, however I have never been treated for Bi polar disorder nor prescribed meds! I am court ordered to get a psychiatric evaluation, but I see a therapist regularly and am only diagnosed with PTSD based on childhood trauma. He refused to allow me therapy while we were together, but tried multiple times to have me committed to the mental hospital. It worked once, having been put on a 5150 in the ER over night, and then left there with my daughter after he claimed I threatened to hurt her. The Dr released my hold in less than 24 hours. My daughter stayed with me the entire hospitalization. So I am assuming his claims of me being unfit mentally will be dimissed based on that as well?

    - - - Updated - - -

    I want to add, I am terrified of this person. He tried to kill me multiple times. He has broken my bones, he forced himself on me in front of our then ten week old. I am extremely concerned for our safety, but for now I have to play along. I don't want him have my address or phone number, but he obviously knows where I live because of the police visits, which always seem to occur a few mins after returning home.

    He has shown "an interest" in girls as young as 13, constantly commenting on our former neighbors young daughter as "hot". My daughter is always returned missing her clothing I sent her in, her skirts or tights. Her dresses are always unbuttoned as well and there's no need to remove a dress for a diaper change. If she's had a blowout, then he would need to completely remove and change her clothing into another outfit. She comes home in the same dress, just unbuttoned. She isn't with him long enough for him to have washed and dried and redressed her, so why are her clothes being taken off. She isn't old enough to unbutton them herself, especially in the back. Why hasn't he been able to locate her skirts that she was wearing on visits, he said he didn't know what happened to them. These are brand new skirts I bought her recently and still, he should not have to remove a skirt for a diaper change either.

    I have tried to bring this up with the judge and mentioned it to the police, but they said at this point its all he said she said. Is there anything I can do?

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Canceling a Visit Due to the Child's Illness

    Quote Quoting MommyNotVictim
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    I have tried to bring this up with the judge and mentioned it to the police, but they said at this point its all he said she said. Is there anything I can do?
    You answered your own question, it seems.

    Quick question though - exactly what "contagious illness" are we discussing?

    Also, I'd back away immediately from intimating that he has a sexual interest in your child. Even if he's commenting on 13 year olds, there is a MASSIVE difference - and I'm talking a whole 'nuther planet away - between feeling an attraction towards a teen and a baby. World of difference.

    Finally, you're also suggesting that the court is not doing what you want it to do - I'm asking this seriously, okay? Do you believe your credibility is in question?

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Canceling a Visit Due to the Child's Illness

    You really need to talk to your attorney about what the police said about the CPO trumping the TRO. If that is accurate you could have problems if you continue obeying the visitation outlined in the TRO. Your attorney is the only person really qualified to advise you on that.

    If your attorney feels that its safe to continue the visits or dangerous to discontinue them then you need to start reporting him for being at the exchange location since he is not supposed to be there. You also should not cancel visits for illness, as the courts would consider him equally capable of caring for a sick child. I can understand you not wanting to expose the two exchange people to something contagious, but you are just going to have to deal with that.

    You won't get dinged too bad for the one missed visit though.

    I doubt that he is taking her clothes off for any sexual reason. I am quite sure that he is doing it to try to take pictures of bruises or anything else that might back up his assertion that you are abusive. Unfortunately if I am right, then you should probably be taking date and timed stamped pictures BEFORE his visits to prove that she did not leave your house with any.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Canceling a Visit Due to the Child's Illness

    I'm having trouble figuring out exactly how to reply, so hopefully I'm doing it correctly. It was the chicken pox. Also, I know my credibility is in question. His claims are I was abusive towards him. I have never hit him and we had an emergency screening in which the screener recognized I was the victim, and her recommendations were for the child to remain with me while they await medical records.

    It's possible he removed clothing to take pics of bruises as suggested, but my daughter has never had a bruise, other then a bump on her forehead that was seen by a Dr. In that case it happened shortly before the emergency screening and was gone by the time her father saw her for the first time in months. The dr said it was a typical childhood bruise and would be the first of many. I also showed it to a social worker and she told me not to worry they are trained to recognize bruises like the one she had. I also showed it to a police detective who I met when in the shelter, and she said that the bruise on her forehead was in the place they always see them on children when they are learning to stand.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Would photos of her before and after her visitation help? I'm having trouble getting him to hand over her belongings and him keeping recently purchased clothing doesn't help. I left when he was arrested. I had been unable to leave the house when I lived with him, I was never permitted a key, I feared how much time I had to pack before he came back, so I only took a few thing's and that was mostly food.

    I'm not yet on child support and every penny has been going to my lawyer and rent. I'm currently getting most of our clothing and food through donated items. I know I can get the police to do a civil standby but I am so afraid of him, that I have accepted that I will never get my belongings back. I can't go there and face him. Possessions can be replaced, but it's not easy when the few thing's I did purchase recently are being kept by him.

    I will speak with my attorney about the visits more. I did try to ask an advocate from the DA's office about the visitation and the Criminal Order but they couldn't comment on any family law stuff.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Canceling a Visit Due to the Child's Illness

    Quote Quoting MommyNotVictim
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    I'm having trouble figuring out exactly how to reply, so hopefully I'm doing it correctly. It was the chicken pox. Also, I know my credibility is in question. His claims are I was abusive towards him. I have never hit him and we had an emergency screening in which the screener recognized I was the victim, and her recommendations were for the child to remain with me while they await medical records.

    It's possible he removed clothing to take pics of bruises as suggested, but my daughter has never had a bruise, other then a bump on her forehead that was seen by a Dr. In that case it happened shortly before the emergency screening and was gone by the time her father saw her for the first time in months. The dr said it was a typical childhood bruise and would be the first of many. I also showed it to a social worker and she told me not to worry they are trained to recognize bruises like the one she had. I also showed it to a police detective who I met when in the shelter, and she said that the bruise on her forehead was in the place they always see them on children when they are learning to stand.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Would photos of her before and after her visitation help? I'm having trouble getting him to hand over her belongings and him keeping recently purchased clothing doesn't help. I left when he was arrested. I had been unable to leave the house when I lived with him, I was never permitted a key, I feared how much time I had to pack before he came back, so I only took a few thing's and that was mostly food.

    I'm not yet on child support and every penny has been going to my lawyer and rent. I'm currently getting most of our clothing and food through donated items. I know I can get the police to do a civil standby but I am so afraid of him, that I have accepted that I will never get my belongings back. I can't go there and face him. Possessions can be replaced, but it's not easy when the few thing's I did purchase recently are being kept by him.

    I will speak with my attorney about the visits more. I did try to ask an advocate from the DA's office about the visitation and the Criminal Order but they couldn't comment on any family law stuff.
    As far as the clothing is concerned, what I would suggest is that you hit some yard sales and buy the cheapest clothing that you can, that is clean and fits properly, to use for her visits with him. Keeping her clothing is one of those little "power" tricks, that some parents use in order to keep abusing the other parent...and then do not communicate at all with him about her clothing. Once its no longer amusing, no longer gets a reaction from you, he will stop doing it.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Canceling a Visit Due to the Child's Illness

    Then dad could have had his visit if he so wanted even with the child having the chicken pox. Is the child up to date on all of the vaccinations? How did the child get the chicken pox? Who is the child around other than you?

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Canceling a Visit Due to the Child's Illness

    Quote Quoting Ohiogal
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    Then dad could have had his visit if he so wanted even with the child having the chicken pox. Is the child up to date on all of the vaccinations? How did the child get the chicken pox? Who is the child around other than you?
    They do not give the chicken pox vaccination to a child that young. The first dose isn't given until 12-15 months and this child is 10 months old. My granddaughter got chicken pox at about the same age, and the doctor told us it could have been transferred from even the handle of a shopping cart at the grocery store.

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