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  1. #1
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    Jun 2015
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    Default How to Stop a Custodial Parent from Being Abusive to the Non-Custodial Parent

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Ohio (Clermont County specifically)

    Can anything be done about a custodial parent's constant harassment of non-custodial parent in the form of 40-50 texts a day (yes, each day and he does not respond to them), constant phone calls, constant nasty language to children when non-custodial parent is trying to talk to them on the phone ("nobody here wants to talk to you", "it's your f**king father on the phone" - kids are 9 and 3). Custodial parent can be heard in the background cussing and screaming about "loser father", "he doesn't f**king love you", "why don't you ask him if he's ever coming home" - those kinds of things to the point that now the 9 year old refuses to talk to non-custodial parent whenever the custodial parent is around.

    Poor kid is being forced to chose between his parents because of this and being 9, is in an impossible position. Non-custodial parent provided a cell phone to the 9 year old so that they could have better/easier contact (non-custodial parent calls every day at 8am, 330pm and 8pm without fail and is rarely allowed to speak with the children as the custodial parent hangs up the phone, turns the phone off or will not give the phone to the children most times), however, custodial parent confiscated the phone within a few days of child having it. Custodial parent is now having children call non-custodial parent on the day before visitation weekends to tell him that they don't feel good and can't go with him that weekend. Usually though, he is allowed to see them every other Saturday evening but has to return them by Sunday afternoon and is forced into taking custodial parents other child (not his) as well or she will not let him take his children.

    Parents have been separated since Oct, 2014, were married 8 years prior to that. Custodial parent was a stay-at-home who now has a part time job, non-custodial parent still pays all bills for household, including providing $1200/mo in cash payments to custodial parent as child support (via direct deposit into her bank account from pay check through employer, so there is a paper trail), he also pays for her cell phone, car payment and insurance, half of the daycare bill for the 3 year old as she works during the school day and all of the kids school fees and extra-curricular activities (including those for her other child) as ordered by judge until divorce and child support order are final, per judge there will be no alimony and once paperwork is final he will be required to pay child support and pay car insurance until car is paid for (by him).

    He has no argument with any of this. He is happy to make sure she has a good working car as it provides safe transportation for his children, he is also happy to pay for the other stuff as well as it all benefits his kids. Custodial parent has been served divorce paperwork several times but refuses to sign and sends it back unsigned. Non-custodial parent's lawyer (who is not very proactive, but since he has to pay for all of these things, he cannot afford another lawyer now and feels stuck with the one he has. When asked to file for temporary custody back in May, lawyer convinced him that the issue would get dragged out and since hearing was going to be in August it was pointless to do.

    I know better, you know better but he has never been through this before and followed the lawyer's advice) has finally secured another date in front of judge (in December) to either force custodial parent to sign or just order the divorce. Of note, the custodial parent has sold off all of the non-custodial parents belongings that were ordered divided by the judge. There is nothing left to divide. The non-custodial parent wants what is best for his kids, and is willing to go broke to make sure they have it. He is literally on the verge of bankruptcy because of how much money he has had to spend as a result of this. Its the constant harassment from the custodial parent and the blocking of his attempts to communicate with and see his children that has him incredibly stressed out and feeling like his kids hate him. His poor boys are stuck in the middle of all of this.

    Without a signed decree he's sure nothing can be done. However, would the state really order the parenting class and have all these rules about not doing the things she is doing if there is no way to enforce them? He would love for them to come live with him but he is worried that his job (he's a specialty truck driver on call 24/7, with 2 days off every 2 weeks) would be viewed as too big a hindrance to a judge being willing to give him custody (his employer will give him every Wed evening off for visitation once paperwork is signed but his job requires the call time. It's the nature of the industry he works in). Also, she does take good physical care of the boys, it's her mouth that is the problem. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

    Also - I know you all like to hear from the person involved. I am simply asking so that I might be able to point him in the direction of someone who can offer real help. He does not have much access to the internet, computers, etc. from the cab of his truck. He's just a desperate father trying to be involved with his kids and is feeling stuck because she keeps blocking his access to them and now he is worrying about the mental health effect this is having on the boys as well. I have suggested counseling to him for the children for the health of the kids, but also because children's counselors can see what is happening and can contribute to any court proceedings that may become necessary, but that would mean he is actually allowed to see them in order for that to happen.

    I have also suggested having his lawyer send her a letter alluding to contempt of court charges if she continues this behavior, but I'm not sure that's possible without the final signed decree - is she legally doing anything wrong if there is no finalized court order? There is no temporary custody order, nor is there any form of child support ordered in writing. He has been paying everything since last October when he moved out and is doing what the judge told him to continue to do (verbally) at their first court hearing in March. Again, there is nothing in writing anywhere other than the unsigned divorce paperwork. And, honestly, if she will not sign the divorce documents, she is unlikely to give much weight to a letter threatening contempt of court charges. I don't know how to help him. He is a very dear friend and he is absolutely miserable, but going back to her is not an option for him, though I have suggested it. At the end of the day, he just wants her to be reasonable, stop harassing him and allow him to participate in his children's lives. Again, any advice would be appreciated and will be given to him immediately.

    Thank you.

  2. #2
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    Sep 2011
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    Default Re: Abusive Behavior from Cutodial Parent to Non-Custodial Parent

    You need to go to court and get non disparagement orders issued so parents may not speak ill of each other. Also request specific phone times for both talk and text to phone provided by dad so he has a record of calls and text messages he can store. Ask judge to order non emergency limit be imposed on ex spouses contact, again which can be verified by text message records.

  3. #3
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    Jun 2015
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    Default Re: Abusive Behavior from Cutodial Parent to Non-Custodial Parent

    Thank you so much!

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Abusive Behavior from Cutodial Parent to Non-Custodial Parent

    Quote Quoting stenscs
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    Thank you so much!
    I will add that the judge absolutely will not write orders that would allow him to call three times a day. He will get 1 phone call per day at best, and maybe only 3 calls a week.

    You are right, his job is not conducive to having primary custody of his children. He is going to have to give up on that idea.

    If you are the "other woman" then I hope that you are being very discrete and keeping in the background because having a new significant other when you are not even divorced yet almost always seriously complicates a divorce. If you are grandma, be careful about taking sides.

  5. #5
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    Jun 2015
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    Default Re: Abusive Behavior from Cutodial Parent to Non-Custodial Parent

    Quote Quoting llworking
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    I will add that the judge absolutely will not write orders that would allow him to call three times a day. He will get 1 phone call per day at best, and maybe only 3 calls a week.

    You are right, his job is not conducive to having primary custody of his children. He is going to have to give up on that idea.

    If you are the "other woman" then I hope that you are being very discrete and keeping in the background because having a new significant other when you are not even divorced yet almost always seriously complicates a divorce. If you are grandma, be careful about taking sides.
    Thank you for your input. I am neither the "other woman" or grandma, simply a close friend who has known him for a number of years and just wants to help him find a solution he can live with. I just hate seeing him so desperate and depressed and hopeless. He loves his kids and wants to be an active participant in their lives. She's making that impossible for him. Thank you again, I will pass your information on to him.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
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    1,421

    Default Re: Abusive Behavior from Cutodial Parent to Non-Custodial Parent

    Who are you in this? ETA: NEver mind. I see it.

    - - - Updated - - -

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Ohio (Clermont County specifically)

    Can anything be done about a custodial parent's constant harassment of non-custodial parent in the form of 40-50 texts a day (yes, each day and he does not respond to them), constant phone calls, constant nasty language to children when non-custodial parent is trying to talk to them on the phone ("nobody here wants to talk to you", "it's your f**king father on the phone" - kids are 9 and 3). Custodial parent can be heard in the background cussing and screaming about "loser father", "he doesn't f**king love you", "why don't you ask him if he's ever coming home" - those kinds of things to the point that now the 9 year old refuses to talk to non-custodial parent whenever the custodial parent is around.
    How do you know this? How often are you around dad? How is mom the custodial parent? Has dad suggested that Our Family Wizard is used?
    Poor kid is being forced to chose between his parents because of this and being 9, is in an impossible position. Non-custodial parent provided a cell phone to the 9 year old so that they could have better/easier contact (non-custodial parent calls every day at 8am, 330pm and 8pm without fail and is rarely allowed to speak with the children as the custodial parent hangs up the phone, turns the phone off or will not give the phone to the children most times), however, custodial parent confiscated the phone within a few days of child having it. Custodial parent is now having children call non-custodial parent on the day before visitation weekends to tell him that they don't feel good and can't go with him that weekend. Usually though, he is allowed to see them every other Saturday evening but has to return them by Sunday afternoon and is forced into taking custodial parents other child (not his) as well or she will not let him take his children.
    So what do the court orders state?

    Parents have been separated since Oct, 2014, were married 8 years prior to that. Custodial parent was a stay-at-home who now has a part time job, non-custodial parent still pays all bills for household, including providing $1200/mo in cash payments to custodial parent as child support (via direct deposit into her bank account from pay check through employer, so there is a paper trail), he also pays for her cell phone, car payment and insurance, half of the daycare bill for the 3 year old as she works during the school day and all of the kids school fees and extra-curricular activities (including those for her other child) as ordered by judge until divorce and child support order are final, per judge there will be no alimony and once paperwork is final he will be required to pay child support and pay car insurance until car is paid for (by him).
    Okay. You are far too involved in this man's marriage.


    He has no argument with any of this. He is happy to make sure she has a good working car as it provides safe transportation for his children, he is also happy to pay for the other stuff as well as it all benefits his kids. Custodial parent has been served divorce paperwork several times but refuses to sign and sends it back unsigned. Non-custodial parent's lawyer (who is not very proactive, but since he has to pay for all of these things, he cannot afford another lawyer now and feels stuck with the one he has. When asked to file for temporary custody back in May, lawyer convinced him that the issue would get dragged out and since hearing was going to be in August it was pointless to do.
    So dad is not being proactive. Custodial parent doesn't have to sign anything.

    I know better, you know better but he has never been through this before and followed the lawyer's advice) has finally secured another date in front of judge (in December) to either force custodial parent to sign or just order the divorce. Of note, the custodial parent has sold off all of the non-custodial parents belongings that were ordered divided by the judge. There is nothing left to divide. The non-custodial parent wants what is best for his kids, and is willing to go broke to make sure they have it. He is literally on the verge of bankruptcy because of how much money he has had to spend as a result of this. Its the constant harassment from the custodial parent and the blocking of his attempts to communicate with and see his children that has him incredibly stressed out and feeling like his kids hate him. His poor boys are stuck in the middle of all of this.
    Well those are the decisions he made.
    Without a signed decree he's sure nothing can be done.
    If there is no decree, why does he believe mother has custody?

    However, would the state really order the parenting class and have all these rules about not doing the things she is doing if there is no way to enforce them? He would love for them to come live with him but he is worried that his job (he's a specialty truck driver on call 24/7, with 2 days off every 2 weeks) would be viewed as too big a hindrance to a judge being willing to give him custody (his employer will give him every Wed evening off for visitation once paperwork is signed but his job requires the call time. It's the nature of the industry he works in). Also, she does take good physical care of the boys, it's her mouth that is the problem. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
    He would not get custody with his schedule. Again, you are far too involved in this marriage.

    Also - I know you all like to hear from the person involved. I am simply asking so that I might be able to point him in the direction of someone who can offer real help. He does not have much access to the internet, computers, etc. from the cab of his truck. He's just a desperate father trying to be involved with his kids and is feeling stuck because she keeps blocking his access to them and now he is worrying about the mental health effect this is having on the boys as well. I have suggested counseling to him for the children for the health of the kids, but also because children's counselors can see what is happening and can contribute to any court proceedings that may become necessary, but that would mean he is actually allowed to see them in order for that to happen.
    Why didn't he file a shared parenting plan?

    I have also suggested having his lawyer send her a letter alluding to contempt of court charges if she continues this behavior, but I'm not sure that's possible without the final signed decree - is she legally doing anything wrong if there is no finalized court order?
    If there are no orders she is not in contempt.

    There is no temporary custody order, nor is there any form of child support ordered in writing. He has been paying everything since last October when he moved out and is doing what the judge told him to continue to do (verbally) at their first court hearing in March. Again, there is nothing in writing anywhere other than the unsigned divorce paperwork. And, honestly, if she will not sign the divorce documents, she is unlikely to give much weight to a letter threatening contempt of court charges. I don't know how to help him. He is a very dear friend and he is absolutely miserable, but going back to her is not an option for him, though I have suggested it. At the end of the day, he just wants her to be reasonable, stop harassing him and allow him to participate in his children's lives. Again, any advice would be appreciated and will be given to him immediately.
    There is no contempt of court without any orders. And she doesn't have to sign the divorce documents. Why on earth would you think she would?

  7. #7
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    Jun 2015
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    7

    Default Re: Abusive Behavior from Cutodial Parent to Non-Custodial Parent

    I'm not real clear on why the hostility is necessary.

    I appreciate constructive input, but hostility is not necessary. I am not "involved" in his marriage. I am his friend, I listen when he needs to talk, and I pay attention to what he is saying. Men and women can be friends without also being romantically involved. I've lived it for 20+ years. My husband and him are also good friends. It's just who we are. The dad and I have been very close friends since high school (mid 90's), since prior to their marriage, we treat each other like family. No, we have never been, nor will we ever be romantically involved and I am happily married. We confide a lot in each other, it is simply the nature of our friendship. He is genuinely an honest man who loves his kids. Of note, given that we have lived next door to each other for years until he moved last year and I moved 3 months ago, I have been witness to many of the screaming matches between them, I have personally heard and seen most of this stuff. I have heard her standing on her porch screaming at him when he drops the kids off "you bastard, your a loser, f*** you, you'll see who these kids love", etc. I have seen her throw things at his car while he's backing out of the driveway. He does not respond. He drops the kids off and leaves. He does not want his kids to see him reacting to her crap and fighting with her, and according to him, that is a big part of the reason he says he can't go back to her. I have seen this man in tears over this. Many times. And now it is starting to affect his health.

    Given that this is the first time he's been through this, and God willing, the only time, he has no experience, he is in need of help and as his closest friend, I just want to help him find a solution that will not further damage his children or him. He did not ask for shared parenting at the advice of his attorney and, again, because of his job. His attorney, in my opinion, has steered him wrong several times in this but he cannot pay someone else with his income tied up in supporting everyone until the final decree is signed and at that point won't it be too late? He's in a catch 22. I would help him pay for another attorney but I don't have extra money either.


    Again, the problem boils down to her hostility and constant attacks via phone & text toward him, her not allowing him to communicate with his children and her not allowing him to see them. His attorney is not being useful. He was under the assumption that since the attorney drew up paperwork, was in front of the judge in August to determine what would be in the paperwork and is just awaiting her signature so the judge can sign off on the final decree, that this means she does have custody (since that's the agreement stated in the paperwork). Given that there is no final decree, are his hands tied as far as the behavior from her goes? Does he have to wait for the paperwork to be finalized in order to do something about her behavior? Is there anything he can do to force her into stopping the harassment and making her allow him to see and talk to his kids? I have suggested counseling but he worries that a counselor will try to make his kids talk bad about their mom and he doesn't want to put them through that. He wants to deal with her without involving the kids and making them feel like they have to pick sides. He's trying to protect them from that. I have already texted to him the info from Disagreeable about non-disparagment orders, phone time and emergency only contact. He is going to call his lawyer about those things, hopefully his lawyer will act on that. In the meantime, he is supposed to have his boys this weekend and he is telling me she is already texting him telling him that they have "plans" so he can't have them. Most of the communication between them happens via text from her. Is that at all useful? Can he use that to show that she is refusing to cooperate with his time with his children?

    Thank you.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Abusive Behavior from Cutodial Parent to Non-Custodial Parent

    I find it EXTREMELY TACKY for you to post this man's personal business and that of his kids on the internet. If that's the choice he makes for him and his kids, let him do it, but for someone this far removed from the situation is wholly inappropriate.

    - - - Updated - - -

    However, tell dad to make an account and post. I have some ideas for him.
    If you wanted babies all to yourself, you should have created them by yourself. Until you do that, children have the right to BOTH parents, especially since you found them suitable to procreate with.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Abusive Behavior from Cutodial Parent to Non-Custodial Parent

    You are involved in his marriage when you are posting his personal info everywhere AND know so many details about things -- no one said you were romantically involved. Dad has made choices here that have put him where he is and there are consequences to those choices. The fact that you know everything his attorney has told dad tells me you are OVERINVOLVED.
    Btw, I didn't give you any hostility. I answered bluntly.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Quoting CourtClerk
    View Post
    I find it EXTREMELY TACKY for you to post this man's personal business and that of his kids on the internet. If that's the choice he makes for him and his kids, let him do it, but for someone this far removed from the situation is wholly inappropriate.

    - - - Updated - - -

    However, tell dad to make an account and post. I have some ideas for him.
    Yeah, what she said.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Abusive Behavior from Cutodial Parent to Non-Custodial Parent

    Quote Quoting stenscs
    View Post
    I'm not real clear on why the hostility is necessary.

    I appreciate constructive input, but hostility is not necessary. I am not "involved" in his marriage. I am his friend, I listen when he needs to talk, and I pay attention to what he is saying.


    Thank you.

    You have your nose buried way too far in his business and you have taken sides. You need to back off and urge him to make his own account and post here. Of course, if you didn't inform him that you posted about him here and he finds this thread, you may not be "friends" much longer. I know I'd be pissed, that's for sure. What if his wife stumbles on this thread?

    PS, you don't have to be sexually involved with him- just the appearance of improper behavior can cause tongues to wag.

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