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  1. #1
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    Sep 2015
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    Default Can a Stepparent Advocate for a Stepchild in a Custody Case

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Arkansas. I am a step parent of a child whom seems to have a few emotional issues. My SC is scared to talk to her mom about certain things and has asked me to sign her up to speak to someone to help her express her feelings and be herself at all times. I filled her dad in on everything she shares with me and has started a self-help journal for her. Dad has spoken to mom in hopes of mom understanding how important open communication and quality time is with her daughter. The daughter comes home complaining of how now she realizes that it was not because of moms schooling nor job that she doesn't spend quality time with her, because mom now has a boyfriend whom she spends plenty of time with. I as well as dad encourage her to communicate with mom, but she is scared because she says mom shuts her down. Is there anything we can do regarding this issue?

    My step daughter is involved in educational and extracurricular activities, in which mom will not allow her to participate in unless mom feels like taking her. Mom states her time with her daughter is her time and she spends it how she feels. Mom has daughter at least one day of the week (mom picks whatever day she wishes each week), every other weekend and during the summer. This creates not much stability when it comes to activities because the day in which mom exercises her weekday visitation varies. We have other children whom participate in activities and my SC feels left out and wonders why mom cannot get her a day during the week in which she does not have practice. Mom will state she will take the child to certain events, but if she has a conversation with dad and gets upset she doesn't allow daughter to attend particular events. We have expressed to her that mom gets her on whatever day she is off and to communicate her feelings to mom. My SC is very smart and knows mom is off multiple days during the week other than her 2 practice days. Is there anything we can do?

    Another thing, Mom tells daughter that I am not her mother and my children are not her siblings or of any kin to her. Because my SC has strong feelings for us and we have been in her life since Kindergarten, this has caused some confusion and animosity towards her birth mom. She has expressed to us that mom does not care for us and say mean things about us. We promote positive relationships and raise her to know that no one can tell her how to feel; she should be in control of her feelings. She continued to tell us that mom has instructed her not to call me mom and that bothers her because she likes calling me mom. I would not and am not trying to take her mother’s place and know it must be difficult for her birth mom to have another woman in her daughter’s life, but I refuse to not treat her life I treat other children.

    Do you have any advice for us?

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Advocate for a Stepchild in a Custody Case

    You already have a thread going for the custody issues.

    If the child's mother wants to work with you as an intermediary, then you can act as an intermediary. If not, then you should not put yourself in the middle -- it's dad's job.

  3. #3
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    Sep 2015
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Advocate for a Stepchild in a Custody Case

    Thanks, I do not wish to be in the middle however, the child finds it easy and convient to talk with me. I am literally around her all day. I don't wish to break our bond, but do let her father know what she shares with me.

  4. #4
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    Aug 2015
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    California
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Advocate for a Stepchild in a Custody Case

    It sounds like dad needs to define a particular day during the week that mom can have her visitation. Being so loosy goosy obviously doesn't work any longer. So if he needs to go to court then that's what he should do. This will clearly define what extra activities your step daughter can/should engage in if mom is not willing to support her participation on "her" time. And by the way, mom's correct in that she gets to choose what she does with her daughter on her time. So if she doesn't want to bring her child to an after school activity then she doesn't have to. And probably knowing that it upsets you and your husband is an added bonus for her too.

    Your step-daughter shouldn't be calling you mom. She has a mom and if mom isn't comfortable with that then it's up to you to discourage her from calling you that. However, maybe you can find another name that is loving and endeering? And your children aren't she biological siblings so again, mom isn't stating anything that isn't fact. It's how you and your husband handle it that matters. Blood doesn't mean anything. Family is about the bond and if she feels that bond with you and your children then nothing mom says can change that.

    You mentioned that you've been in her life since she was in kindergarten but didn't say how old she is now.

  5. #5
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    Sep 2015
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Advocate for a Stepchild in a Custody Case

    Thanks, this is a tough one! She is now on the 4th grade and decided she doesn't like the way step mom sounds to her. I have other children whom are not mine by birth whom feel the same way and do not call me step mom. If she feels she has 2 moms, whom she greatly loves, then why can she not state so; we both (birth mom and step mom) know our roles. I will not say I have 1 biological child and 1 step child; I would say I have 2 children.

    The decree actually states mom can choose whatever date she sees fit to excersise her weekday visitation.

  6. #6
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    Apr 2009
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Advocate for a Stepchild in a Custody Case

    If Mom is fine with the child calling you Mom, then it's not an issue.

    If she is not fine, it can become an issue.

    Depending on the climate of the court it can be no problem at all or it can result in the court smacking Dad sixteen ways from Sunday.

    This isn't a matter you will decide, nor will you be refusing to do anything. Not if you're smart, at least.

  7. #7
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    Sep 2015
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    Default Re: Can a Stepparent Advocate for a Stepchild in a Custody Case

    Mom has an issue with us being married, my SC living with us, dad having a son that's her biological brother, etc.. the list goes on, but if legally she can not call me mom, then that is a whole other issue. We don't feel it healthy to tell a child how they are to feel or to feel one way and say something different. In encouraging her to say how she feels and to feel how she say, is a part of her being true to herself. Because there is a struggle with this issue already, how is having her to call me something different then what she has been calling me for years and what her siblings call me, going to help? Is it illegal for her to call me mom and vice verse for our other children? We want to do the right thing so thanks for being helpful.

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