Behavior Problems With My Seventeen-Year-Old Daughter

[cbg]

Tony, while there is something in your concern (you'll notice I said something of the same sort) since the child is already doing whatever she wants, when she wants, and not doing ANYTHING she's told, what makes you think that removing what few controls are still in place is going to make things better?

[Mr. Knowitall]

Those are the facts. Until she reaches the age of majority - 18 - she is under your care and control, and you are legally responsible for anything she does.

A parent is not legally responsible for everything a child does. Legal responsibility typically extends to statutory liability for certain willful misconduct (subject to dollar limits), such as property destruction offenses or civil demands for shoplifting, potential liability for negligent supervision when the child is in the parent's care (that would not, for example, extend to the middle of a school day when the kid is in school and the parent is at work), negligent entrustment of a vehicle, and the like.

Tony, while there is something in your concern (you'll notice I said something of the same sort) since the child is already doing whatever she wants, when she wants, and not doing ANYTHING she's told, what makes you think that removing what few controls are still in place is going to make things better?

There's no one-size-fits-all answer to trying to turn around a seventeen-year-old's behavior. The extreme authoritarian approach can easily backfire with a teen of that age. Extreme permissiveness, though, is likely to turn out to be a recipe for disaster.

[tonynewman]

she is acting out due to being told what to do or some other issue (could be a number of things) defuse the situation with my advice, she is 17 with only months left until 18 become a friend, get to know her on that level at this point, it will work wonders.

instead of "do not do this, if you do this is how you will be punished" type of thing that will only create resentment and or a sneaky teenager

try "as a friend this is my concern, or that really makes me worry about you when..." type of speaking with no penalties, "if you ever need help you can call me no matter what at anytime and I will be there for you and not yell and judge"

treat her as a peer/adult now, that is what most acting out 17 year old girls want, doing this will help bring you closer and she will learn to be able to come to you for advice like her friends, it will take some time for her to develop this new found trust, but its a proven method, she is not a little girl anymore and does not want to be treated as such, by giving her all this freedom she will tone down. you will also now be able to really understand her issues as she will come and talk about issues young adults have as a friend and not worry about penalties and judging/yelling.

[Dogmatique]

she is acting out due to being told what to do or some other issue (could be a number of things) defuse the situation with my advice, she is 17 with only months left until 18 become a friend, get to know her on that level at this point, it will work wonders.

instead of "do not do this, if you do this is how you will be punished" type of thing that will only create resentment and or a sneaky teenager

try "as a friend this is my concern, or that really makes me worry about you when..." type of speaking with no penalties, "if you ever need help you can call me no matter what at anytime and I will be there for you and not yell and judge"

treat her as a peer/adult now, that is what most acting out 17 year old girls want, doing this will help bring you closer and she will learn to be able to come to you for advice like her friends, it will take some time for her to develop this new found trust, but its a proven method, she is not a little girl anymore and does not want to be treated as such, by giving her all this freedom she will tone down. you will also now be able to really understand her issues as she will come and talk about issues young adults have as a friend and not worry about penalties and judging/yelling.

Tony.
Seriously.
Read the OP's posts again.

[Disagreeable]

Seriously, 17 is too late for one to decide to be real parent. Now you must figure out how to live with her until she is 18 and no longer your problem. The damage was done years ago.

[Dogmatique]

Seriously, 17 is too late for one to decide to be real parent. Now you must figure out how to live with her until she is 18 and no longer your problem. The damage was done years ago.

I'm truly astonished as to why Tony is apparently advocating "best bud" for the next few months. Rewarding the kid for that atrocious behavior is going to serve her well in the future.

Not.

[tonynewman]

when the only tool you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail. with only months from 18, all these grand schemes of punishments will only create resentment and revenge thoughts, she will shut everything out and count down the days until she can move into some guys apartment and that man will have everything her father cant stand by her own design. now is the perfect time to parent the way I have stated, it will build an adult relationship with trust and understanding.

punishing, yelling, judging is never the answer in teenagers,,, rather love, understanding and explaining feelings is the key, that's what truly works, not threats and installing fear into a 17 year old girls mind. that will only be a temporary band aid that will only last until 18 and ruin the adult relationship if any afterwards for a very long time.

[Mercy&Grace]

She isn't an adult now and she is a very long way from it. Her turning 18 won't change the way she is acting, except it will get worse before it gets better. I hope the parents are prepared for that.

[Dogmatique]

when the only tool you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail. with only months from 18, all these grand schemes of punishments will only create resentment and revenge thoughts, she will shut everything out and count down the days until she can move into some guys apartment and that man will have everything her father cant stand by her own design. now is the perfect time to parent the way I have stated, it will build an adult relationship with trust and understanding.

punishing, yelling, judging is never the answer in teenagers,,, rather love, understanding and explaining feelings is the key, that's what truly works, not threats and installing fear into a 17 year old girls mind. that will only be a temporary band aid that will only last until 18 and ruin the adult relationship if any afterwards for a very long time.

You don't have children, do you?

I hold my hands up in despair. You, very simply, don't get it.

[Blossom]

Tonynewman:

Worst advice ever!!!

OP's daughter is heading straight towards a life as an unemployed, single teen mother, with an absent baby daddy, at the rate she's going. She already has plenty of friends! What she needs is a parent!

Says this mom of a teenage daughter!