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  1. #1

    Default Mediation Agreement and Harassment

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Kentucky

    My ex and I have joint custody of the kids, and a mediation agreement in place that details holidays, summer vacation, etc. Last weekend I needed him to agree to giving me one of his days so I could take the kids to visit my family who lives out of state. We agreed that he'd get an extra day of mine the following week.

    I texted him this morning to ask if we were meeting at the halfway point today or tomorrow, wondering when he planned to take his extra day, and he said he was going to keep the kids the whole weekend, saying that I agreed to that last week. I didn't agree to giving him two days in exchange for one. Text messages reflect that. But whatever, I'm not calling my lawyer and spending additional money over an extra day. I was going to just let him have this one.

    The problem arose when I found out through our oldest child that he'd made plans for her to be gone for an entire week next week, he did not check with me first. We have joint custody, so him sending her away for that period of time cuts into half of my time with her. He has to get any modifications to the custody agreement approved by me in writing. He didn't even bother to tell me, and is just planning on sending her off anyway. Of course I want her to be able to go, but he continually ignores the custody agreement. We have joint custody and he continues to act like he has sole physical and legal custody. He doesn't. (side note: he took her for a specific voluntary medical procedure last week that I didn't want her to have and didn't bother to tell me until it was done. I have legal right to have a say in that).

    He proceeded to text me with "I have soul custody. if you text me again I'm calling the cops for harassment. I dare you" I wasn't threatening; I wasn't name-calling or being insulting. I was trying to DISCUSS with him what we'd previously agreed upon.

    So naturally I replied. Because I'm TRYING to work out the details of parenting time with our kids! My reply said "I'm not harassing you. I'm trying to discuss parenting time with the kids. This is my last text to you: I do not give permission for you to send xxxx away for the week unless we work out equal parenting time the following week. Per our mediation agreement, I will see you at 6pm on 7/17 at the halfway point."

    He replied with:
    "Ok, Im filing harassment charges. I just explained that because of my work schedule that I am done talking about it. Om trying to sleep. You won't atop texting me. That is harassment"


    So, is it really harassment? I sent ONE single text after he told me to stop. The one pasted above. And still, there is no resolution to next week. We kind of NEED that. I'm at a loss here.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Mediation Agreement and Harassment

    Quote Quoting toxicsky
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    He proceeded to text me with "I have soul custody. if you text me again I'm calling the cops for harassment. I dare you" I wasn't threatening; I wasn't name-calling or being insulting. I was trying to DISCUSS with him what we'd previously agreed upon.
    If he actually believes he has sole custody and that is not actually the case, then you may want to pick a battle (it is up to you whether this is the one or not) and head to mediation or court, or possibly just have your lawyer draft up a letter. If he is not set straight on the fact you have joint custody then he will likely continue to do what he wants.

    Quote Quoting toxicsky
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    So naturally I replied. Because I'm TRYING to work out the details of parenting time with our kids! My reply said "I'm not harassing you. I'm trying to discuss parenting time with the kids. This is my last text to you: I do not give permission for you to send xxxx away for the week unless we work out equal parenting time the following week. Per our mediation agreement, I will see you at 6pm on 7/17 at the halfway point."
    Once he says not to reply, you should not reply, obviously to successfully co-parent you need to communicate. If he refuses to communicate then you need to readdress the parenting agreement so it specifically outlines how all areas of conflict are to be handled.

    Quote Quoting toxicsky
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    He replied with:
    "Ok, Im filing harassment charges. I just explained that because of my work schedule that I am done talking about it. Om trying to sleep. You won't atop texting me. That is harassment"
    Sure it could be said that you were harassing him, but I don't think that there is a police officer, prosecutor, or judge out there who would consider that Criminal Harassment. If he were to file a report, one of two things would happen, either they police would laugh in his face, or they would humor him and ask you to stop texting him. You would have to do quite a bit more to have any charges filed.


    Quote Quoting toxicsky
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    So, is it really harassment? I sent ONE single text after he told me to stop. The one pasted above. And still, there is no resolution to next week. We kind of NEED that. I'm at a loss here.
    There isn't much you can do until he has actually violated the agreement. It does not sound like he has done that yet. I don't know the specifics, and don't need to, but this is the understanding in my mind, f it is wrong let me know as it may change my opinion.

    Children go to him some day this week, they stay with him through 7/17. He signed oldest daughter up for something (lets say summer camp) next week that will run through the end of the week, including some of your time.

    If this is right, then there is no issue yet. He can sign her up and pay for her to do things on your time. However it is up to you if she does those things on your time. If he payed for 7 days of the activity, and only 4 of those days are on his time, that is fine, but he has no control over whether she attends the other 3 days. Unless the agreement says something specific about what he can/cannot do with her/let her do, then as long as he brings her to you when he is supposed to then he is not violating anything. Even if you do not expect him to bring her to you on the exchange date you need to be at the agreed location at the agreed time. As soon as he doesn't bring her you can bring him to court. Until then he is not violating the agreement.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Mediation Agreement and Harassment

    So basically, I wait. As for contacting him, I really don't know what to do. I'm NOT harassing him. I guess I will just wait until he violates the agreement, and do something about it then, but in the meantime, how on earth do I reach my kids???

    I gave each of them iPods so we could keep in touch using facetime, but they're both "grounded" from them, so my only option is to call or text him and ask to talk to them. No home phone - he only has a cellphone. So...this really sucks. I never keep my kids from talking to their dad when they're with me, yet he makes it really difficult for me to have contact with them when he has them.

    - - - Updated - - -

    And now my 12 year old daughter has called me - from his phone - to ask me why I'm not allowing her to go to camp when she really wants to go, and that's so mean of me. I asked her why she's calling to ask me this and she said "Dad just showed me the text messages. You said you're picking me up on Thursday and now I can't go!! He told me to call and ask you why"

    Why is he purposefully putting the kids in the middle like this? We have been specifically ordered not to - by our lawyers, the judge, the parenting class that was required for the divorce, and even the mediator reminded him during our mediation that he wasn't supposed to be doing the things he admitted to doing.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Mediation Agreement and Harassment

    Quote Quoting toxicsky
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    So basically, I wait. As for contacting him, I really don't know what to do. I'm NOT harassing him. I guess I will just wait until he violates the agreement, and do something about it then, but in the meantime, how on earth do I reach my kids???
    If you have guidelines in your agreement then you can follow them. If you do not then you can get in contact with your kids as you normally would, just avoid contact with dad other than to ask to speak to the kids.


    Quote Quoting toxicsky
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    And now my 12 year old daughter has called me - from his phone - to ask me why I'm not allowing her to go to camp when she really wants to go, and that's so mean of me. I asked her why she's calling to ask me this and she said "Dad just showed me the text messages. You said you're picking me up on Thursday and now I can't go!! He told me to call and ask you why"

    Why is he purposefully putting the kids in the middle like this? We have been specifically ordered not to - by our lawyers, the judge, the parenting class that was required for the divorce, and even the mediator reminded him during our mediation that he wasn't supposed to be doing the things he admitted to doing.
    Unfortunately there are no laws about passive-aggressive parenting. If this goes back to mediation or court it may work against him.

    While I dislike the way he is handling it, I also see from the other side, if she is going away to camp for a week, why should he feel as though he has to take all of those days out of his time if he will not be spending that time with her. If he is willing to pay for camp and give up 3 or 4 days of his time with her for her to attend, then I don't see it as being unreasonable for him to ask for you to give up a couple of days as well (assuming she is staying at camp overnight and he is not getting more time with her). However I think his approach to the whole situation is immature and should have been handled much differently.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Mediation Agreement and Harassment

    The camp is a free church camp and is not even overnights. Furthermore, he works from 3pm-3am anyway, so he would not be seeing the kids during this time anyway. I'm a stay at home mom (I have two other children as well), and would actually be able to see them during this time. The camp is over an hour and a half drive from where I live, but, only about 15 minutes from where he resides. So that's why I don't want to have to miss out on my time. It means nothing to him because it doesnt affect his parenting time at all. In fact, his parents (with whom he resides) will be doing the child toting for him.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Mediation Agreement and Harassment

    Quote Quoting toxicsky
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    The camp is a free church camp and is not even overnights. Furthermore, he works from 3pm-3am anyway, so he would not be seeing the kids during this time anyway. I'm a stay at home mom (I have two other children as well), and would actually be able to see them during this time. The camp is over an hour and a half drive from where I live, but, only about 15 minutes from where he resides. So that's why I don't want to have to miss out on my time. It means nothing to him because it doesnt affect his parenting time at all. In fact, his parents (with whom he resides) will be doing the child toting for him.
    Then I can't blame you for not wanting to bring her to camp, unfortunately because of the way her dad handled it you are stuck looking like the bad guy (to her).

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