Getting Custody Restored After Ending a Relationship With a Sex Offender

[Monicat]

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: MA

I have had a love hate relationship with my ex husband for almost a decade now. At the most recent, third failed reconciliation, my ex decided to secretly date my close girlfriend, for a year, some time while we were together, only recently did he confirm my suspicions. After a year of denials, sneaking and calling me crazy, when he told me, I went on a crazy night of text ranting. All the lies, the betrayal..blaming our failed try on me. Anyway, he took these texts, much of which were obviously my emotional back lash to all the betrayal; threatening to harm, pleading and begging to know why..to acceptance. He took these texts to the court and filed for restraining order, it was granted due to the fact that I had two prior domestic A&B's-both involving my ex, both dismissed. These prior incidents were not physical in anyway. I showed up to his house(to which I still had a key) to find my "best friend" there and after she rushed out, my ex and I had a shouting match in the yard so he called the cops- I left on foot but was arrested for threatening.

Since then, I have not been in trouble until this restraining order. My ex and I might have made lousy relationship partners, but we've always been good co-parents for our 15 year old daughter, who is diagnosed with NOS PDD. She has a developmental delay, IEP and is in a life skills class at the public high school. When he filed the restraining order, he and I could no longer speak on anything but the time of child exchange. HE began telling my daughter that she didnt have to do anything I said. She stopped getting off the bus at my house and continued on to his (we live a mile apart on the same road) to enjoy all of the electronic components he buys her on his large salary with no adult to regulate her usage or ensure she is safe at home. He doesnt come home from work til 5:30, past practice has her coming to my house afterschool, eating dinner and drop off was typically 7pm. I work midnights, so my daughter will always have someone home for her. I must mention, I am from California. I have no family or close knit friends outside of my ex's family. When my ex's restraining got extended for a year, I lost it. I lost any sense of family or trust..hope. I violated the restraining order with a suicide note. I reached rock bottom. I voluntarily went to ER for an eval, was out a couple hours later. I remain speaking to my therapist I've had for years. I am on the mend. He however, proceeded to berate me via text because I believed it was in everyone's best interest to exchange at the police department. It inconvenienced him, he said, adding that our daughter didnt ike it, I spoke with her and she had no objections. Meeting at the PD became a huge issue for him. He added on the RO that contact can be made at his residence, yet at the top of the RO paperwork I had to stay away. The PD Sgt advised me that my ex was setting me up. He emphasized the importance of meeting at the PD.

After twoo weeks of meeting at the PD, he and my "friend" came to my work in the middle of the night, leaving my daughter alone an hour away and took the car my ex financed for me (I made the payments) right out of the parking lot. I am 911 dispatcher, I worked a twelve hour shift and was looking forward to seeing my daughter, I had bought tickets to a play in Boston. I went to the parking lot..saw the car was gone..texted to my ex "Isnt it enough you two are together? The car too?? Really??" Restraining order violation #2.

Nine months ago I met a man I got along with incredibly well. He revealed that he was once an avid practicing alcoholic and hanging with the wrong crowd when he and a 16 year old girl "made out". He has to register as a SO in a neighboring state for two misdemeanor violations of assault on a teen. My ex had knowledge of this as soon as I found out. I sought counsel with his therapist who assured me he is not a reoffender. My ex seemed fine, I kept an eye out while my daughter was around and I too believe to this day he is not a reoffender. NH state law instructs him to submit the address of any residence where he might be 5 times in any 30 period. My address, along with his mother's address was one of them posted online.

My ex began had already begun binge drinking with his new tart. I saw him on three occassions driving drunk while my daughter was at his house alone past bar closing hours. I could not reach him as a friend, coparent, so I reached out to Dept of Children and Families to help provide services as my daughter was spending so much time alone, she was beginning to hear voices that would console her when she was lonely. In retaliation, my ex recently, nine months later, filed for and was granted temp sole custody due to my bf's status. In spite of me explaining to his lawyer and the social worker (I could not afford a lawyer) during mediation that I would end the relationship immediately. That my ex was undermining me, telling her she did not have to mind me, or speak to me on the phone if she didnt want to. She has full reign to his house while he is gone onany given night. I am no longer able to provide a full dinner to her as I used to, nor conversations about her school, friends, crushes, discuss her "voices", get her to therapy etc. I can only meet her at a prearranged restaurant two times a week. The day the order was granted in my ex's favor, I terminated the relationship with my bf and have been alone. I had to use any money I was saving for legal re[presentation, on an immediate car purchase to save my job. I have not had any contact with my bf, nor do I desire to.

Now my ex is again not happy. He is requesting that I agree to meet at different locations then the ones prescribed by the court. He lies to me about my daughter's schedule when I have to request to reschedule a meeting time/day due to work or inclement weather. He allows our dughter to not bathe (always a special ed issue), interact or socialize with anyone other than online friends. She is left alone for at least 8 hours a day on snow days and vacation when there is a perfectly good mother down the road.

I cannot afford a lawyer, what else besides ditching the SO bf, can I do to get my daughter back to the way it used to be? It worked so well for her. I feel like I am being bullied with his demands to stray from the court order..HELP??!!

[Dogmatique]

You are calling someone a tart? Did you forget that you were sleeping with a child molester?

Oh, the irony.

You need an attorney .

[Monicat]

I am a tart for being in a relationship with an SO? Although My best friend was secretly sleeping with my boyfriend? Interesting..I am looking forward to hearing more of your opinions..

[Mr. Knowitall]

When you send the message to the court, "I'm picking my sex offender boyfriend over my child," it sends a message that can be difficult to overcome. Also, given the tone and meandering nature of your post, it does not sound like you have the sort of focus that you would need to represent yourself effectively in court. The suggesting to consult a lawyer is a good one.

[Monicat]

When you send the message to the court, "I'm picking my sex offender boyfriend over my child," it sends a message that can be difficult to overcome. Also, given the tone and meandering nature of your post, it does not sound like you have the sort of focus that you would need to represent yourself effectively in court. The suggesting to consult a lawyer is a good one.

Forgive my meandering tone. I am a writer, I was in a free flow. As I mentioned before however, the relationship is over. And without regret, even though I am quite certain he is not a reoffender.
So, I do have to wonder about your thoughts on when I see my daughter unbathed, dark circles under her eyes, teeth caked with plaque, depressed because she doesnt feel as though she can speak to her father about things she does with me? I have aggressively terminated the relationship, my daughter unharmed by the ex, yet now, she seems worse off.
I regret my choice to have been with him. Yet in AA you do meet many people that have committed horrible deeds whie using-people that have accountability, remorse and continue successful giving lives.,,?

[Dogmatique]

Forgive my meandering tone. I am a writer, I was in a free flow. As I mentioned before however, the relationship is over. And without regret, even though I am quite certain he is not a reoffender.
So, I do have to wonder about your thoughts on when I see my daughter unbathed, dark circles under her eyes, teeth caked with plaque, depressed because she doesnt feel as though she can speak to her father about things she does with me? I have aggressively terminated the relationship, my daughter unharmed by the ex, yet now, she seems worse off.
I regret my choice to have been with him. Yet in AA you do meet many people that have committed horrible deeds whie using-people that have accountability, remorse and continue successful giving lives.,,?

Your child needs counseling.

That aside, there's a bit of a problem.

What this boils down to is that your words are painting you a picture of a person unwilling to "own" their mistakes, a person who always seems to have an excuse to explain A, B or C. You're using your child's personal hygiene, without conceding that she's old enough to brush her own teeth and bathe herself. Yes, she has a disability - but this doesn't mean she can't do the basics.

You then try to justify the sex offender's actions by pointing out that other people in trouble are now able to continue living a peaceful life. The comparison between a child molester and an alcoholic is ... well, ridiculous and offensive.

So now we're back to your question. What is it you want to accomplish exactly?

[Monicat]

Your child needs counseling.

That aside, there's a bit of a problem.

What this boils down to is that your words are painting you a picture of a person unwilling to "own" their mistakes, a person who always seems to have an excuse to explain A, B or C. You're using your child's personal hygiene, without conceding that she's old enough to brush her own teeth and bathe herself. Yes, she has a disability - but this doesn't mean she can't do the basics.

You then try to justify the sex offender's actions by pointing out that other people in trouble are now able to continue living a peaceful life. The comparison between a child molester and an alcoholic is ... well, ridiculous and offensive.

So now we're back to your question. What is it you want to accomplish exactly?

Ah! You're back! I missed you!
Yes child needs counseling. I am glad youre following. Father refuses to send. What can I do? Spoke to his lawyer and forwarded emails from the special education department stating same. Contrary to your statement that she can still do the basics..what do you mean by this? Are you familiar with a child that is diagnosed with PDD NOS? If you are, I'd like to hear your thoughts on why the special education department has included in her IEP goals hygiene basics. This disability is not something that can be counseled away if that is what you are implying.
Are you familiar with alcoholism and addiction? I'd like your thoughts on that as well. I mentioned that I witnessed my child's father drunken driving while my daughter was at home asleep. What if he killed someone? Himself? Was put in jail? How can someone be drunk yet cognizant, much less a safe person when an emergency arises? Again I reiterate, I never left my child alone with my exbf, my daughter was never threatened by this person. I understand it's impossible to fathom, as many read sex offender and believe they know exactly what that entails for everyone charged with a sex crime. I am not defending, I am stating facts. What exactly am I not owning?
I do not see how I am excusing my ex's actions. I am being very honest, open and accountable. I understand the stigma of a sex offender, I understand the literal meaning of a "child molester" "pedophole" etc, I am well aware of this. My daughter's father was too when he left her at my house when my exbf was there for nearly a year. Not until he got caught sleeping with my best friend did he feel the need to take her. Call me crazy, but I'd guess he took it to court because my kid started to figure out that daddy wasn't such a nice guy he started to make a girlfriend out of mommy's "best friend". Now really, let's think objectively here. Is that truly in the best interest of the child? Could he have given the courtesy of demanding I get rid of my exbf, then if I didnt abide..take it to court then? You detect a hint of self serving behavior yet? Maybe I didnt imply that enough in my narrative.
I can take judgement, I understand how I've earned it. But my posting is not about me, it is to paint a clear picture that I have been the sole provider for her special needs, which she no longer gets. I made a choice to be with someone who committed an awful mistake that will follow both parties for life. PLease note I never left my exbf in charge of my daughter, she was never harmed by him, however, somehow it's ok to place her in the care of her father who may or may not come home due to being too drunk, drugged, or literally refuses to get her to counseling due to funding? The dentist? Forget about it. Diminishing his problem and her special needs is well, insulting and since you didnt support your assessment about her needs..ignorant.
The comparison insults you because you are stuck. I could tell you exactly what my exbf did, but then you'd call that excusing it wouldn't you? I believe my exbf messed up big time. He knows it too as he rightfully must be open with his status and in no way one to diminish the crime. He continues to have unsupersived custody of his own daughter and both his and my neighbors are aware of his misdemenors. All involved had no problem with my exbf being around our kids. Myself and my ex were honest with everyone-in my opinion you can't get more accountable than that.
Remember objectivity here...
I asked for advice from this forum because I immediately terminated contact with my then bf, now, I sit and watch my daughter succumb to her disability because daddy told an unfamiliar judge that my exbf was living with me. A blatant lie. Tell me Sir or Maam, where is his honesty and accountability? Dept of child and family services opened and continues to investigate him as he is failing to meet her needs.
My question was that since I could not afford a lawyer and with the exbf contact immediately terminated, how could I restore custody of my daughter..using simply that- my honesty and accountability?

[Dogmatique]

Oh honey. You're trying to patronize a woman who has not only ended up two breaths away from needing a liver transplant (and I'm still there, actually), but has had to come to terms with the painful truth that her husband, her kids, and her grandkids will have to suffer one more loss because she couldn't put down the vodka. Let's add very early widowhood when previous husband died...at 31. I suppose while we're discussing my CV, we might as well mention physical abuse. Gosh, all of that and I haven't even had coffee yet.


So here's what I want you to do.

Start putting your child first. Own your list of mistakes (which while not quite a full laundry load yet, it's getting there). Volunteer some time in the ped. cardio unit. Maybe in the psych unit, too. And get down on your knees and be thankful that your child has so far managed to survive despite the actions of her parents.

You can go ahead and have the last word, if you wish. I'm making coffee.

[CourtClerk]

Oh honey. You're trying to patronize a woman who has not only ended up two breaths away from needing a liver transplant (and I'm still there, actually), but has had to come to terms with the painful truth that her husband, her kids, and her grandkids will have to suffer one more loss because she couldn't put down the vodka. Let's add very early widowhood when previous husband died...at 31. I suppose while we're discussing my CV, we might as well mention physical abuse. Gosh, all of that and I haven't even had coffee yet.

Have I told you I heart you today?