How to Regain Custody of My Children from Their Father After a DCF Placement

[KelleighH]

My question involves a child custody case from the State of:Massachusetts
My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Massachusetts.

My story is kind of complicated and I am going to try to be as to the point and brief as possible as I really need some advice. I have three children: Kallie (4), Damyn (2), and Mason (9 months.) Kallie & Damyn are from one relationship, Mason from another. In december 2011 dcf got involved with my family because of a police report filed regarding 'D' (what we'll call relationship number 1) taking off with my vehicle, ripping my keys from my hand to do so, and in turn, me falling down. The police fild A&B charges on him and DCF opened a case with us. 'D' and I were together for six years before breaking up due to his addiction to opiates in February 2012. Kallie and Damyn stayed with me in my apartment when I kicked him out and he went to live with his parents. During that year I started seeing another man, and became pregnant with Mason. 'D' barely saw them, even when I permitted it, and when he would, he would only take one child, not both, insisting Damyn was not biologically his son (he is.) The primary reason being spite that I had started dating again. My new relationship went volatile and while my children were with their father, we had gotten into multiple arguments, resulting in broken In January 2013 he got arrested for breaking and entering and receiving stolen property, and was incarcerated. Shortly after 'S' (relationship #2) and I broke up. I bailed 'D' out of jail so that he could be there for our two children when the new baby arrived and so that I would have someone by my side during the c-section. He moved into my home to do those things and we were being civil and things were going fine. DCF got word of him moving back into the home and re-opened a case out of concern over his drug history, to make sure things went okay. Mason arrived in April 2013. Things went well still up until June 2013. 'D' found out I met with 'S' behind his back to get clothes for Mason. I was in bed with the kids when he came in and flipped out on me about this, took my phone and computer, pushed me down and strangled me repeatedly. My daughter saw most of it, cried hysterically, and he didn't care. He wouldn't let me leave the house, and I had no way of contacting anybody, so I got my daughter to sleep and passed out myself. Next day, I didn't know what I could do or who to call, worrying if I told DCF or the police who'd tell them anyway, that I would get crucified for being foolish enough to have 'D' back home in the first place, and for having violence in my home. That night when the kids went to bed I took Mason to my mother's with me, telling 'D' I needed time to think. He did not believe that was where i in fact went and messaged me all night threatening to leave. I came home the next morning to no kids, no him. Found out two days later he applied for emeregency custody insisting I assaulted him and yelled in front of my kids and possibly had postpartum. All untrue. But he beat me to the punch as I didn't report what he did to me just the night before. At the emergency hearing my kids came home and he was granted visitation and I was told to keep 'S' (Mason's dad) away form the kids per 'D's request. In September 2013 I allowed 'S' to come around time to time to see mason anyhow, and when 'D' got wind of that, he notified DCF and they took my kids, giving him his, and taking Mason into foster care. I got Mason back but DCF has temporary 'legal' custody which I have my pretrial for in just over two weeks. DCF supported 'D' taking emergency custody this time, and I was granted supervised visits only, and they went to live with him and his parents. Just last week, 'D' and I, having been being civil finally, were back in probate and he changed the custody to shared legal and changed the visits to unsupervised. Just yesterday we spent time together as a family, and he went through my phone, and started breaking things in my apartment including things my kids made me and pictures of them, screaming to my daughter that I was a whore and 'mommy can't keep her legs shut' as she's crying hysterically. He grabbed a knife and held it at his side, telling me he won't leave me breathing this time. To stop him from yelling so that it would stop scaring the older kids, I went outside to my van with Mason, and his mother picked him and the kids up shortly after. He filed a verbal domestic argument report with the police saying I broke my OWN things and that I went nuts and broke his phone. Completely the opposite. I got an order of protection. But now, I don't know what to do. I don't know what is going to happen, I can't get my scared kids' faces out of my head, and how can I get court or DCF to listen to me without blaming me for the behavior of others? I understand I should not put myself around them, but it's not like I am putting myself around random men, it's my children's fathers, and I'm just trying to do things the right way for their sake. DCF won't support me in any custody attempts because of past domestic violence. However they support him having custody despite being on suboxone, probation, and a history of drug abuse. What legal action can I take here? Our probate case is continued for review in six months. I don't know what to do or how to get someone to believe he should not have them, and furthermore, that they belong with me. I know I have made some bad choices but I am a good parent to them and the kids know the truth. A man who reacts that way over a message and talks that way to his kids about their mother should not have them. But how do I handle that legally with no money for a lawyer? Is there anything I can do at all???

[Dogmatique]

If DCF has decided that Dad is an appropriate placement, you have a huge problem on your hands.

Could you please explain (please use paragraphs Mom ) why Dad shouldn't have custody?

[KelleighH]

DCF supported him getting custody based on the fact that he made allegations there was domestic violence happening in my home. This allegation was false, but because I had my youngest's father around when he was not supposed to be, because he has a domestic violence history, they supported him getting custody. DCF is now saying that they have no say over those children because it's in probate's hands. So they're not saying anything for, or against me now.

Dad should not have custody because he has a lengthy history of heroin addiction and criminal history pertaining to the use of it (i.e: breaking and entering, stealing, robbery, to support addiction.) He has relapsed numerous times in two years. I've had people that have sent me screen shots of him messaging them asking if they want to buy 'blow' or know anyone who does, so that he can get money for diapers and wipes for the children. So not only is it a question of him using drugs, now apparently he's trying to sell drugs as well. I've also had witnesses tell me he's purchased heroin off of a well-known dealer, with the kid PRESENT. And this person was not a friend of mine, or an enemy of his, a totally neutral party, who had no reason to lie. In his words, everyone's lying and just out to get him.

Aside from the drug use. He has on two occasions screamed in front of the children, and I mean screamed insanely loud, scaring them to the point of tears and shaking, and pushed my glass coffee table out of from in front of them and I to get in my face and scream at me. In June he strangled me in front of my daughter, repeatedly. When he gets in those raging fits of anger at me for whatever it is he finds me wrong for, he disregards the children, or even includes them in the argument by telling them that "Mommy is a whore and a slut and she does not care about our family. She's dirty baby." Etc. That is not appropriate to say to any child, let alone a 4 year old highly impressionable little girl. He drills things in their heads, coaches them to say things like "mommy's not following the rules" on my visits with them, and is emotionally damaging to them. Snapped picture frames of her as a baby and ripped up the photographs in her face saying "mommy doesn't care about these pictures."

Quite frankly, he's using them as weapons because despite his hateful acts towards me, he thinks that ultimately in order to get my children back, I will cave and be with him. He claims he doesn't want that, but at any time I have asked him to try to talk things out or be civil, he jumps all over it. Now, just this weekend we were making an attempt at spending family time together and ironing things out. That went fine until he went through my cell phone and found messages between a male friend and I just discussing having dinner, when he and I were not even in a dating relationship, so there was no grounds for him to be upset. And being upset or not, someone who is a 'fit' parent should not be doing ANY of those things to or in front of those children.

[drthyrd]

If you aren't working with a local domestic violence advocate and the nearest battered woman's shelter, please reach out to them (link below). Strangling is a big red flag that the domestic violence could turn lethal. An advocate may be able to help you plan realistically for your safety and that of your children and may know low cost legal resources. The situation sounds as though you truly need someone to help represent you.

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/massdv.shtml

[Dogmatique]

I'm going to address a few things, okay?

You say you have witnesses that saw him doing a drug deal with the child present. What is the reason why they didn't immediately call the police? You see how that looks, yes?

Screen shots are absolutely useless. You know why? Because you'll never be able to prove that they're actually his words. Dad could quite easily say that you or someone you know made a fake page to get him in trouble.

If DCF support Dad having custody - and they can be brought into the proceedings to testify - you have a problem that unfortunately is really more than a message board can handle.

Mom, you absolutely need an attorney. I understand that you're incredibly worried, but it seems that you're the underdog in this situation.

Can he have custody while being a crappy parent? Yes, he can. The acceptable standard of parenting is depressingly low.

Now...is there a GAL involved in the case yet? (Guardian ad litem)

- - - Updated - - -

If you aren't working with a local domestic violence advocate and the nearest battered woman's shelter, please reach out to them (link below). Strangling is a big red flag that the domestic violence could turn lethal. An advocate may be able to help you plan realistically for your safety and that of your children and may know low cost legal resources. The situation sounds as though you truly need someone to help represent you.

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/massdv.shtml

Yes. Absolutely.

[KelleighH]

Thank you to all of you for your honest replies. In regards to the women's center I went and did a round of support groups at one for domestic violence and it was very comforting but I only recently learned they indeed have a legal advocate, and therefore left a message with her this evening and will be trying to get in contact with her.

I want to reiterate that DCF only supported him getting the emergency custody, that was in September. They presently are not testifying or being brought to testify in the probate case. The only affiliation with that case they have is ensuring the judge that both the father and I are complying with our DCF service plan, in which case we are, so DCF says 'no concern' on both ends. So, honestly, DCF at this point is not of any harm, or help.

Good reasoning why the witness in question did not call the police [though I wish she had] - she is the drug dealer's girlfriend. I understand her credibility may not amount to much, and though it may not matter, I know she was telling the truth because of the specifics and details she shared with me.

The screenshots I know are useless, but DCF did find them concerning, and took note of them. They did ensure that the father be on suboxone and in therapy addressing his opiate problem, in which he presently is - but still, I spoke to an attorney who stated that that's a volatile environment for children in itself; living with a very recently sober heroin addict, when the rate of heroin relapse is so high, as is overdosing. And though I hope neither of those happen, it's happened twice in two years, so it is quite bound to.

In regards to the GAL - no, not yet, that was going to be my next question ~ how to go about getting that involvement? Is GAL appointment the same as a custody evaluation? Or different? Those two things I just recently read about, and just need to know about how to legally proceed with either. Understandably an attorney would be helpful and I will exhaust any means possible trying to obtain one I assure you, but in the meanwhile I am just compiling all advice I get to do the best I can.

[Dogmatique]

A CE (custody evaluator) is way more expensive than a GAL. If it were me? I'd probably lean more towards the GAL at this point.

I completely understand your concerns, Mom. This is a tricky situation.

Unfortunately, based purely on what you've posted so far, a lot of his bad behaviors will be tossed out of court. DCF is a bit of a wild card here. You have a case plan, so DCF will be relevant to some degree. If they repeat what they initially said (that custody should be with Dad) that's going to hurt your case.

As far as the GAL, the court should be able to direct you to the form you need.

[KelleighH]

I will look into the GAL, then.

Dad has a habit of drilling things into the children's heads and getting them to say things, I suppose an expert through the court may be able to see through that when getting the children alone.