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  1. #1
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    May 2013
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    Default Mediation Appointment for Custody and Visitation Tomorrow

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California

    The mom of my 5 month old boy has recently filed her response to my custody, visitation, and child support orders.

    The mom does not agree with the custody order saying that her main goal is to give our son the best upbringing and his best interest. She states that because me and her are not a single family unit, she feels that it is very important that our son's life be kept as stable as possible. She is then requesting Sole Physical Custody. She saids that he always will have a consistent routine that can be anticipated. At her home he will be exposed to a consistent daily pattern as her primary care giver.

    The fact is, she doesn't have him on a routine or schedule. She feeds him whenever he cries and his sleeping is random throughout the day and night. I know babies can be difficult at a young age, so I understand, but she paints herself a picture of being a perfect mother. I have actually been able to take care of Justin for 4-5 hour stretches and sometimes longer. I have been involved before the birth, through the birth and continually after the birth. How should I respond to the mediator about her statements? I want to be apart of my son's life and don't believe that her requests for one weekend day for 3 hours, when I have consistently done 5 hours and she wants 2-3 days during the week at her home for 3 hours. Am I forced to have visitation at her home?


    Next, she disagrees with my child visitation orders. She says that she strongly believes that constantly pulling our son out of his routines will disrupt the system that his wellbeing relies on. She agrees that visitations are important as long as they integrate into his routine


    How should I respond to this to the mediator?

    Thanks in advance!

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Mediation Appointment for Custody and Visitation Tomorrow

    She's actually right in many ways. At 5 months, your son has a primary caregiver - that's Mom in this case, and the courts will very often agree that an infant needs as little disruption as possible. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if the court agrees with Mom's stance that constantly pulling him out of his "comfort zone" (for want of a better term) so frequently is not in his best interest.

    With her feeding him when he's hungry (versus a set time), and doing the same with sleep, there's a better-than-decent chance she'll get her way simply because of the randomness. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but can you do the same thing? Mom is apparently available "whenever" he wants to feed and sleep. Can you do the same?

    I know it seems like the two ideas are actually contradicting each other, but they're really not.

    I haven't read your post history, so humour me a second if you will? He's 5 months old, yes? Were you living together when he was born?

  3. #3
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    May 2013
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    Default Re: Mediation Appointment for Custody and Visitation Tomorrow

    We were not living together when he was born. We actually had broken up before I found out she was pregnant.

    Still, I have been there throughout every single doctor appointment minus two. I was present at the birth and have been taking care of him at my own house as well. Currently, she allows me to take care of him on Sundays from 2PM to 7PM. I have been able to feed him with the milk she pumps and am quite capable of getting him to sleep and playing with him. I have also numerously watched him alone at her appartment, only because that was all I could get. I have also watched him throughout the week on occasion for about 4-5 hours at a time. Since she works about 35 - 40 hours a week, her job would bring more disruption than me taking care of him. Her one job does not allow her to take him with her, so she has her mom, sister, or friend watch him. Occasionally, I will watch him when she tells me.

    I believe she is trying to limit the time I can spend with my son. She is asking for a more limited time than she is currently giving me without an order! What could I expect to get as a father then? It seems like any mom could just throw out these "concerns" and expect the courts to bend over backwards and listen to them.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Mediation Appointment for Custody and Visitation Tomorrow

    You don't go into mediation with talking points ready to refute her every statement. In fact, the mediator doesn't read your petition or her response prior to your appointment. Their goal is to sit you guys down and come to a resolution that doesn't leave you coming back to court over and over and over again spending more time and more money and time off of work.

    I think you should ask for joint legal and physical custody. She'll be the primary caregiver but your visitation should be very liberal. If you've already had Justin for 4-5 hour stretches at a time, then you should continue to be able to have that a few times a week if your work schedule permits. After a couple of months of that, then overnights, then progressively more and more time with you leading up to every other weekend or 1, 3 and 5th weekends and a day in the middle of the week. You shouldn't be forced to have visitation solely at her home. That's unreasonable and I've rarely seen a situation where it works. A mother can't micromanage a child and their father that much, that just makes for awkward situations and arguments. She's able to have baby by herself and so should you.

    Keep in mind that once you allow a court or any third party to make decisions for you, you rarely walk out with everything you want, but the good thing is neither will mom. Be OPEN to ideas. Be open being flexible. Remember that visitation is fluid. You can change it if it's not working, but I'd encourage you to look as far into the future as the mediator is willing to go so that you're not in court yearly, etc.

    But good for you for handling this early.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Mediation Appointment for Custody and Visitation Tomorrow

    I wish certain judges had your common sense though, CC.

    We still appear to be in the dark ages.

    (Though at least we're finally doing away with "tender years" bs)

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Mediation Appointment for Custody and Visitation Tomorrow

    What would you expect the mediator to say though. In my county they call the mediation "child custody recommending counseling" where the mediator will help us try to reach an agreement if at all possible. If not, they will make a recommendation to the judge and they usually approve those from what they've told me.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Mediation Appointment for Custody and Visitation Tomorrow

    Okay - what's your starting point? If we go with CC's advice, and Mom doesn't bite - what's your next best?

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Mediation Appointment for Custody and Visitation Tomorrow

    Quote Quoting skywalker89
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    What would you expect the mediator to say though. In my county they call the mediation "child custody recommending counseling" where the mediator will help us try to reach an agreement if at all possible. If not, they will make a recommendation to the judge and they usually approve those from what they've told me.
    What county are you in? Most of the CA counties don't allow the mediators to make recommendations. You must be in a smaller county.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Mediation Appointment for Custody and Visitation Tomorrow

    I've asked for 2PM to 7 PM on Sunday's which I've done consistently for at least 6-7 times. I'm also asking for 2-3 times a week for 3-4 hours at MY place not hers.

    The basic jist of what I read from her response is that she wants to reduce the amount of time SHE'S already allowing me to spend with him. Force me to come to her apartment on her terms so that she can be in control over everything. She wants me to pay as much child support as possible. I'm okay with child support as I was the one who ordered it. It just seems like she's giving me an ultimatum: "if you really want to see your son, you better get back together with me".

    Isn't part of the best interest of the child that he develops a bond with the father, secures a relationship with him early on with frequent contact? And as the father, shouldn't I be allowed to be investing in his life and be a part of his routine schedule? I don't understand why the courts would push a father who wants to be involved away?

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Mediation Appointment for Custody and Visitation Tomorrow

    Quote Quoting Dogmatique
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    I wish certain judges had your common sense though, CC.

    We still appear to be in the dark ages.

    (Though at least we're finally doing away with "tender years" bs)
    In some places, but CA is making a turn to TRY and allow these men to be involved in the lives of their children since it really DOES appear that having 2 active parents is better than one, any day.

    I've always said you need to ask for more than you actually want because when you end up with what you want you can make it sound like you compromised. LOL The old... I'm going to ask for every weekend in y petition or a 5,2,2,5 or every other week...

    then when you end up with 1,3 and 5th weekends, you can say *sigh* ok... and be happy because that's what you wanted anyway. Remember, I helped my male namesake end up with a 60/40 split of that baby you think is the cutest thing since forever (although he lost my remote control).

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