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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    2

    Default Seeking a Protective Order Over a Death Threat by a Spouse

    My question involves restraining orders in the State of: North Carolina

    Last night, my husband threatened to kill me if I did not provide him with additional funds for his college reunion trip. He picked up the knife he was using to slice tomatoes and onions, walked over to me, put the knife in my face, and said "I will kill you if you f-up this trip for me". He also stated that if I ever took the kids to visit my parents again, he would shoot me and my parents. He then left for about an hour and took keys to both vehicles so I was unable to leave. I called a domestic abuse hotline, who advised me to phone the police and leave the house with my 2 children. As I knew he was leaving first thing this morning for his trip, I chose to just go to bed, and hope that things had settled down by this morning.

    He contacted me by text today to ask if I was home from work, to which I replied yes. He called me later and told me he was extending his trip by a day, so he could stop by an old friend's house and pick up a gun so he could take care of a few problems.

    This is not the first time he has threatened such a thing - he frequently tells me that he wishes we lived in a country where it is legal to beat and/or kill one's wife. He has been physical in the past, but I have never really been frightened. I am now because his behavior has been so erratic, and these threats felt more malicious to me.

    While I realize it may seem straight forward and the answer should be - go file that restraining order, there are some complicating things that worry me. He is a former police officer, and whenever I have told him that I will call the police, he tells me that they won't believe me because he is a former cop, and because I suffer from moderate depression and take antidepressants. I tried to leave him 2.5 years ago, and he pulled random pages from my journal, took them to the police, and told them he believed I was suicidal. The police took me to a local hospital for an evaluation, where I was assessed and immediately released. However, when I arrived back at home, he had changed the locks and would not allow me to see our children for over a week, despite their cries for me. He only let me see them once I agreed to take him back.

    1) In your opinion, do I have enough evidence to get a restraining order? I did not file a police report - I did call the domestic abuse hotline last night, and he is 700 miles away today, so I don't feel an immediate threat today but am concerned that he will come back home with a gun.
    2) I understand that if granted, the restraining order will likely apply only to me, as he has not threatened the children. However, I am concerned he will take them, as he did last time, and not allow me to see them. Do I have any legal grounds for trying to include the children in the protective order, as I understand withholding children from one parent can be considered an emotional form of abuse? I am really concerned about their emotional welfare if he tries to keep them from me again. I do not intend to keep the children from seeing him, unless he does physically harm or threaten them.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
    Posts
    35,894

    Default Re: Do I Have Enough Evidence to File for Protection Order

    1. Only the court will decide. The general process is that you file, then there's a hearing and you'll both give your sides of the story. Not filing a police report doesn't help you, though.

    2. Not that I can see. Remember, he has every right to take the children - just as you do. You're still married.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    2

    Default Re: Do I Have Enough Evidence to File for Protection Order

    Thank you. Can I file a police report tomorrow, or is that too late?

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
    Posts
    35,894

    Default Re: Do I Have Enough Evidence to File for Protection Order

    No, it's not too late. Hopefully they will actually investigate.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Edit: Hon, PLEASE get yourself out of that situation. Unless he undergoes some pretty intensive counseling he's not going to get any better - and he might get a lot worse.

    Please.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Do I Have Enough Evidence to File for Protection Order

    And, since he's got guns and has threatened to use them against you and your parents, it's VITAL that you tell the judge about the guns and specifically ask the court to order that all of his firearms be turned over and that the protection order specifically outline that he isn't allowed to possess ANY firearm.

    Then, get BACK on the phone with your local domestic violence program, ask for help with a safety plan, and TAKE their advice. Controlling types with law enforcement backgrounds are among the deadliest forms of abusers (for many reasons), and you cannot take the danger too lightly. This type of dynamic is at HIGH risk for murder/suicide situations. You can get a head start on things to discuss about your plan here:

    http://aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml

    You should also get familiar with the dynamics of domestic violence within police families by checking out this info:

    http://www.dwetendorf.com/Book_Index.htm

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Louisville, KY
    Posts
    1,877

    Default Re: Do I Have Enough Evidence to File for Protection Order

    I'm not sure a restraining order would help in this particular case. I am really worried for this lady and her family.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
    Posts
    35,894

    Default Re: Do I Have Enough Evidence to File for Protection Order

    Quote Quoting mmmagique
    View Post
    I'm not sure a restraining order would help in this particular case. I am really worried for this lady and her family.

    Me too. We do see a lot of posts which are heavily skewed or plain exaggerated, but this one set my spidey sense off big time.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    1,991

    Default Re: Do I Have Enough Evidence to File for Protection Order

    do you have anyone you trust that he would not think of, a cousin or something? somewhere you can get the hell outta dodge? if not go to social services and tell them you need emergency domestic violence shelter and your husband has threatened to kill you and hos gone to retrieve his gun.

    go now, then talk to an advocate and a lawyer but first priority is to get out of town by whatever means necessary.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Second star to the right...
    Posts
    323

    Default Re: Do I Have Enough Evidence to File for Protection Order

    Quote Quoting Dogmatique
    View Post
    Me too. We do see a lot of posts which are heavily skewed or plain exaggerated, but this one set my spidey sense off big time.
    This one brings back nightmares for me and it feels credible.

    OP- One final thing to consider is that your computer may have spyware on it. Please be careful in everything you do. I am concerned for you, but you are taking some good steps now. AARDVARC's advice is excellent. Please make a plan NOW and protect yourself and your children.

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