My Husband Was Charged With Domestic Violence

[aardvarc]

And I also guess they were so worried about my dog too that they had to lie and say we were starving him an leaving him at home all day. Which btw was investigated and found to be false. So maybe I should call the SPCA on them and ask them to investigate why my neighbors had two puppies on two separate occasions since January and why thy have both magically disappeared.

Sure, you can absolutely do that. What do you think that will change or accomplish? The problem here isn't that you have nosey neighbors. Neighbors call police, social services, code enforcement, CPS and everyone else all day every day without it ever turning into anything - sometimes even when it probably SHOULD. The problem HERE is that by a preponderence of your statements, his statements, and observations of the officers, probable cause was found for the arrest. He wasn't arrested because the neighbors called - he was arrested as the result of the preliminary investigation of the officers on the scene. They could just as easily have walked away. Yet they didn't.

This is brainwashing.

Okie dokie.

And I honestly do understand that people are really in dangerous situations but I also feel that each individual case should be treated as such.

What you're not understanding is that any crime gets treated as a crime for ONE and only one reason: it fits the elements of the crime as spelled out in state statutes. The whole POINT of our criminal justice system is that anyone charged with a crime faces the crime the same way. That's why crimes have very specific elements spelled out - and the prosecutor must be convinced that those elements are present before they'll file the charge. Then, the have to prove those elements to judge/jury to get a conviction. Our system is set up on PURPOSE that way, so that every case isn't an "exception". There's nothing unique about you, him, or any other victim or witness that changes that. Either the elements of the crime are there, and the state pursues them, or they're not, and the case is dropped. You'll have to wait and see what happens in your husband's case.

And I think the stress that I'm sure this has caused both of us already is enough to make us think twice before arguing or even getting mad.

Nothing wrong with being mad or arguing. The wrongs come when there are hand laid on other people. If you can't argue without pushing, there's a problem.

And I think stuff like this will make you end up holding all of your anger inside in the future because you're scared you might get into more trouble and end up ruining your marriage because you're too afraid to show real feelings which include being angry.

Again, nothing wrong with anger. There's no issue until people start putting their hands on other people. If either of you can't argue without violence, one or both should get help learning how to resolve conflict in normal, positive, non-violent ways, otherwise, yes, expect the state to step in and separate you.

How is this making us better people?

No one said it would. That's not it's purpose.

My husband dent do anything more to me than I did to him and was only arrested because he is a man.

You have every right to ask the prosecutor to bring a similar charge against you. But the prosecutor will realistically be happy with just one case.

I know what we did was not right but damn can you honestly say we should have to go through all of this

Whether you SHOULD have to go through it or not is really a just a philisophical debate, not a legal one. The point is that you are, and will be going through it, at least until the criminal case is resolved. The reality is that your fighting brought others into the mix. Had you asked us the day before the incident, we'd have told you: figure out how to fight without touching each other or the neighbors calling police on you, because then it's out of your hands, as you're experiencing now. Obviously you're free to put your mental, emotional, and financial assets to use as you see fit. If the judge orders HIM to get counseling, he will be paying for that out of pocket. If YOU want to get support, you can get it for free in lots of places, as previously mentioned (church, social services, your local health dept, local DV programs, etc.).

Start with anger-based assistance. You've got lots of it, and directed just about everywhere except where it really should be.

[BriLu]

I DID see a lawyer. He basically told me things I had already researched and knew. And I'm sorry if it seems I'm arguing and I appreciate everyone's responses. But as each day goes by and my life seems to go further down the drain I get more and more frustrated, sad, and angry. My bad. But it seems like everyone is so busy telling me I'm wrong and I need help when I'm begging for help that no one wants to give or doesn't know. They told me the advocate was "so good" and would guide me through this process legally and emotionally but since I'm not saying "the right things" her only answer to all of my questions is idk. And all I ask her is What's Going On? What's the status? And what's her response? I don't know. Then she forgets about taking/picking me up from work. And my job is really tripping now. Then if I get fired that's only gonna help the prosecution say some bull about how I'm only tryna drop the case because I need him financially which I don't. I'm just so frustrated. I just want to know what's going on with my life. But I know I can't expect anyone not in this situation to fully understand. Everyone is just so busy telling me I need counseling and so forth when I might not even have a house, job, school, or a pot to piss in. My whole life is unsure now. But again I am not tryna argue I've obviously learned my lesson.

[aardvarc]

But as each day goes by and my life seems to go further down the drain I get more and more frustrated, sad, and angry. My bad.

It's not your bad. It's the perfectly normal reaction to a situation where your whole life has been turned upside down. If you didn't feel like the world was falling part, THEN you'd be in the realm of "what's wrong with HER". Anger, sadness, frustration, uncertainty, fear...and lots more...are unfortunate correlates to what's going on. Sometimes you'll feel several of these at one time, and at other times one will be overwhelmingly strong. Unlike the victim of a burglary, where a person might be afraid to be home alone, or the victim of a drunk driver, where the victim may be traumatized by driving, victims of domestic violence have to deal with not only the criminal court process, but having almost every aspect of their lives touched because the person accused of a crime against them is someone they may love, live with, raise children with, pay bills with, sleep with, snuggle with, grocery shop with, etc. Victims of other crimes have that person by their side to support them. In DV cases, the person who is their chief support system is the one accused of the crime against them. This is one area where you're feeling the big difference between what a prosecutor's advocate does, versus what most other types of advocates do - which is help with the many OTHER facets - such as identifying and reaching out to any existing support system (family, friends, clergy), or working to get you other short term support until a primary support system can come into play for you.

I'm begging for help that no one wants to give

Ok. So let's start here. Give us an idea of exactly what assistance you're hoping for, and we'll see what things might be possible - understanding that help for YOU might come from lots of directions. Help regarding the criminal case against your husband is going to be between him and his attorney and the prosecutor. Nothing you can do there, except pay for the best attorney you can find.

or doesn't know. They told me the advocate was "so good" and would guide me through this process legally and emotionally but since I'm not saying "the right things" her only answer to all of my questions is idk. And all I ask her is What's Going On? What's the status? And what's her response? I don't know.

And she may NOT know. The advocate can only know what the prosecutor knows. Things like docketing (court schedules) take time and one step can't be scheduled until the previous step is complete. Same with status - prosecutors are working dozens of cases at a time - and until the prosecutor and the defense attorney sit down to go over the case together, there's nothing to know. There might be a plea deal. There might not. The prosecutor may be considering dropping the case, they might not. Sometimes the only concrete answer is knowing the date of the next court proceeding. If the advocate doesn't know you can always ask the office of the clerk of the court "when is the next scheduled court date in the case of "State vs. last name". If there's actually a next step scheduled, they'll be able to answer.

Then she forgets about taking/picking me up from work.

Yeah, that's big time problematic. Having steady employment of your own is a VERY important part of you being able to maintain some semblance of a life - for both your emotional and financial health. Ask if there are other alternatives - such as bus or cab passes. Then ask what they do if you work strange hours (like midnight shift) and see what they might come up with (no offense to the elderly, but I wouldn't want an 80+ year old picking me up at 3am to drive me home on the freeway). Problems like these are also where that all important support system should be helping.

And my job is really tripping now.

I bet they are! Make it a point to let your advocate know that missing work is a HUGE problem for you!

Then if I get fired that's only gonna help the prosecution say some bull about how I'm only tryna drop the case because I need him financially which I don't.

Not really. Prosecutors EXPECT the other half of DV cases to try to get the cases dropped. They hear it in and out all day every day. They are very good at ignoring whatever the reason of the day is. If they have a case and want to pursue it, they will. If not, they won't. It really doesn't have that much to do with you, except that they are required to take your wishes into consideration. They are fully capable of saying "we understand the victim doesn't want to pursue the case...but we're pursuing it".

I'm just so frustrated. I just want to know what's going on with my life. But I know I can't expect anyone not in this situation to fully understand. Everyone is just so busy telling me I need counseling and so forth when I might not even have a house, job, school, or a pot to piss in. My whole life is unsure now.

Then you're missing the whole POINT of domestic violence counseling and advocacy. Counseling in a domestic violence setting doen't mean laying on a couch and talking about your childhood. Experienced DV counselors and advocates understand and deal with ALL of the issues you've touched on, and more. I'll say it again: if you haven't been in touch with your local domestic violence program, outside the prosecutor's office, call them. There are lots of things they can assist with, but not if you don't ever contact them - and there are a huge portion of services you simply won't be able to access your own (or things they can explain, such as California's "safe at home" program, unemployment protection for victims of DV, etc.). If you don't know what local programs are there to assist you, call the California Coalition at 800-524-4765.

[BriLu]

Thanks everyone for your responses! Even the ones I didn't like lol. It's sad but you all have been the most help I've received. And yes I know and have said a thousand times that I myself need counseling. I'm an angry person. And I feel like its because I'm usually so nice and compassionate towards others that when I feel like someone wrongs me I may eventually explode. Which is obviously what happened between my husband and I. Lesson learned to the fullest but I know we both need help. I personally just don't think jail or losing a job should be a part of the process. And I'm glad you agree about the advocate taking me to work. We almost crashed the other morning cause she went in reverse. Smh uh seatbelts and maybe helmets too. And I did tell her about my job complaining but that's my whole prob with her. She doesn't know what's going on, she can barely drive, she forgets about me, she's kinda rude too and so not an emotional help sooo what's the point if her job? I'm just gonna make that 45 minute walk to work in the morning and try to bum a ride home cause this is too much and I need my job at this point in time. But anyways thanks again to everyone for responding and yes I fully accept responsibility for my actions and I'm definitely not saying my husband is an angel or anything. I just don't agree with a lot of the circumstances but hopefully I have just found the best lawyer in my city and I'm hoping he accepts this case.

[PandorasBox]

Again, look up public transportation in your area. Call your county or township offices and ask if there is any Essential Transportation services in your area.