My Husband Was Charged With Domestic Violence

[cdwjava]

And, here, the advocate (whoever they are) has provided potentially damning suggestions to the OP indicating that she would not have to testify. I agree that it is very possible that the advocate was just nodding and agreeing to move things along, but this can be a dangerous practice and has landed advocates here in very precarious positions when they provide what can constitute legal advice to clients and they get in trouble as a result. It can be a very precarious trail to walk, and the good advocates I know tend to couch their language so that they cannot be accused of providing such ill advice.

In this case, if trust was the goal, I think it may have failed because it seems to have encouraged the OP to avoid seeking assistance or recognizing the plight she finds herself in. It might also place her into legal jeopardy.

Of course, it might be possible that the advocate only has very limited information and what the OP has told her, in which case she's acting on incomplete info.

[BriLu]

Can I sign an affidavit of non prosecution in California? And will it help if I sign it before the EPO expires so no one can claim I was forced or threatened?

[cdwjava]

Can I sign an affidavit of non prosecution in California? And will it help if I sign it before the EPO expires so no one can claim I was forced or threatened?

You'd have to ask the DA if they offer such a thing. Not every county uses them. And, as I said, by doing this you will be surrendering a great deal of your own autonomy and will effectively be putting your husband into the driver's seat for the relationship.

I strongly encourage you to seek counseling (though I am pretty certain that you will ignore that plea and will tell yourself that everything will be fine ... that's how it happens in most cases like yours).

And, again, the EPO and the police reports are not evidence of squat. And, even if there is no prosecution the arrest and the police reports (including the EPO affidavit) will remain.

[BriLu]

Do you all think it will help if I went back to my home state? My mIL thinks that if I come back that all this will disappear and I hate her saying that cause its like she's saying its all my fault. And plus I feel like if I go back the prosecution will try to make it seem like I went back because I was scared or didn't wanna be with him. I'm just so very tired of all this. Yes my husband and I made a big mistake the other morning but is all this really necessary and even more so deserved? I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. This I feel is too extreme for the circumstances. The advocate told me about a case she had where a man beat his wife and threw glasses at her then made her sleep in the garage in her underwear. And he didn't even get convicted of anything! And the wife left which was good. But she said this man was even in the navy and basically didn't suffer any consequences. And my husband and I have to be treated the same way as him???? Ridiculous. So much for an Independence Day. Everyone has stuck their dirty hands into my pie and now I have absolutely no control over my life. Thanks a lot justice system you're helping sooo much!! I feel like my life is so much better than it was before when if you hadn't stepped in my husband and I probably would have been cuddling and watching tv. What ever would I do without you good ole justice system. And yes I am very angry for anyone wondering.

[Dogmatique]

Do you all think it will help if I went back to my home state? My mIL thinks that if I come back that all this will disappear and I hate her saying that cause its like she's saying its all my fault. And plus I feel like if I go back the prosecution will try to make it seem like I went back because I was scared or didn't wanna be with him. I'm just so very tired of all this. Yes my husband and I made a big mistake the other morning but is all this really necessary and even more so deserved? I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. This I feel is too extreme for the circumstances. The advocate told me about a case she had where a man beat his wife and threw glasses at her then made her sleep in the garage in her underwear. And he didn't even get convicted of anything! And the wife left which was good. But she said this man was even in the navy and basically didn't suffer any consequences. And my husband and I have to be treated the same way as him???? Ridiculous. So much for an Independence Day. Everyone has stuck their dirty hands into my pie and now I have absolutely no control over my life. Thanks a lot justice system you're helping sooo much!! I feel like my life is so much better than it was before when if you hadn't stepped in my husband and I probably would have been cuddling and watching tv. What ever would I do without you good ole justice system. And yes I am very angry for anyone wondering.

Running away from it may just make it WORSE.

I get that you're frustrated.

But spare a thought for the thousands of women who try to get their spouses out of trouble - by whatever means - and end up dead.

Happy July 4th. We're trying to SAVE people and allow them LIFE AND FREEDOM.

[BriLu]

I understand that! I really do!! But like I said we are not those people that need to be "saved". Maybe some couples counseling would have helped but now matters are worse than they were and well have to basically start everything over. I can't even go to school now. And while everyone is bbqing today im stuck in the house with nothing to do. But my life is being bettered? No not really. I say save it for someone who asks for it. Or someone who was being beaten and not mutually fighting.

[PandorasBox]

Regarding transportation to work....do some research on your county....most will have an Essential Transportation program that only costs a couple dollars and runs ontime.

As for mutual fighting: That is NOT a healthy relationship. At the least, marriage counseling. And you both need individual counseling.

[aardvarc]

Maybe some couples counseling would have helped

Who can say whether or not individual or couples counseling would have made any difference, since it appears that neither of you GOT any. Unfortunately, the time to get intervention or help that is within your own control is BEFORE a situation gets to the point where police are being called. If things are allowed to escalate to a level where such intervention is necessary, then all the justifications, excuses, and down-playing cease to have meaning. The police didn't show up because they had nothing better to do - your "altercation" was SO loud and SO worrysome to someone ELSE, that they invited "the system" into the mix when the situation was no longer a "private one". Whether YOU wanted that intervention or not, you have to understand that when such behavior impacts OTHER people, they are going to react to it. Your neighbors don't want to have to worry about escalation of violence in your home any more than we do - except that they are the ones who might have to face fallout from escalation, and the reality is that domestic violence DOES impact other people all the time, with things like stray bullets, the sounds of breaking dishes, the sounds of battery, the screaming on the front lawn, the ramming the car into the house on purpose, or having you show up on their front doorstep in the middle of the night with your throat slit - all things that anyone who has been in and around either law enforcement or advocacy sees with scary frequency - and most of which had victims telling everyone around them "it's not a big deal". At the end of the day, it's not "the system"'s job to make your life happy, your relationship work, or things get back to normal ...it's their job to (a) do what they can within the law to keep you alive, (b) give those accused of crimes a fair shake via the court system, and (c) upon adjudication of guilt, respond appropriately as outlined in your state's guidelines or within the discretion of the judge - which could include anything from time behind bars, to counseling, to probation, etc.

While the system can force it's demands on the accused, you the victim are really on your own as to where to go from here. I know it feels like you're on aroller coaster. The ways to get OFF the roller coaster depend in some part on what the state (the prosecutor) ends up doing with the criminal case, and in some part on what each of the parties involved is willing to DO to ensure that the issue doesn't occur again, since, as you've been told repreatedly, domestic violence has strong tendency to INCREASE in both frequency and intensity over time, NOT to decrease or resolve itself without intervention. There are memorials all over the country with the names of thousands of deceased victims who pled to family, friends, law enforcement, and the courts to butt out because they too didn't need to be "saved" - that's exactly WHY the desires of the victim can take a back seat to prosecution - especially when there's a strong case. In any case, most avenues off the roller coaster include some mixture of: accountability for the offender, counseling for both the offender and the victim - both separately and eventually jointly, separation for some period of time, etc. Until you are able to better understand the how's and why's of why you're ON a roller coaster in the first place, you're going to have a hard time getting off of it. While your husband is working through aspects from HIS end, work on aspects from your own end - whether that be getting nto a support group, doing some reading on domestic violence dynamics, talking with a spiritual leader, or seeking individual therapy - all of which can help you to realistically evaluate your relationship, and to figure out where to go from here.

[BriLu]

Ok so before I even read this long paragraph you wrote about someone you don't know. ME. I would like to stop you right there and let you know that we weren't being loud and we were actually trying to be quiet about it because we know how our neighbors are thanks. And we live in a duplex. I can hear my neighbors peeing from my bedroom which gross but I still shouldn't have to tip tow around my own house because they don't at all. They have parties and bbqs all the time an we for bother them so get the story straight first.

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And I also guess they were so worried about my dog too that they had to lie and say we were starving him an leaving him at home all day. Which btw was investigated and found to be false. So maybe I should call the SPCA on them and ask them to investigate why my neighbors had two puppies on two separate occasions since January and why thy have both magically disappeared.

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It's like it's etched into everyone's brain to automatically say oh yes you're abused get counseling. And I can talk and how proof all day that I'm not and after all of that they respond as ummm...the YMCA offers help to victims for free! It's like they are programmed to not listen to anything an say only that in response. It's annoying as hell. I see now how ppl who are innocent of crimes end up confessing when they didn't do anything. Because you have someone in your face 24/7 convincing you that you did. Free country my ass. This is brainwashing.

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And sorry if my spelling is wrong. I am having to use my phone Internet and can't see well since my husband is having to use out bill money for a lawyer now. But oh my life is just soooo much better!

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And I honestly do understand that people are really in dangerous situations but I also feel that each individual case should be treated as such. INDIvIDuAl. Meaning not like anyone else's situation. And I think the stress that I'm sure this has caused both of us already is enough to make us think twice before arguing or even getting mad. And I think stuff like this will make you end up holding all of your anger inside in the future because you're scared you might get into more trouble and end up ruining your marriage because you're too afraid to show real feelings which include being angry. But obviously that just my opinion because Big Brother knows best. I have lost almost ten pounds in exactly a week because I can't even eat from being overly stressed about all of this. I'm worried about losing my job because I dont have a reliable ride to work now and the new advocate I have is almost 80 years old and shouldn't be driving anyways and has forgotten twice to pick me up. I cant go to school and my husband cant go to school. Then I'm worried my husband will lose his job which will be worse! Then he'll no we won't be worried about getting counseling because we will be trying to make sure we have somewhere to live. How is this making us better people? My husband dent do anything more to me than I did to him and was only arrested because he is a man. If this is "justice" then arrest me too!! But ooh because I'm a woman I'm just being abused. Once again I will say I know what we did was not right but damn can you honestly say we should have to go through all of this.

[PandorasBox]

Then leave here. Rather than argue with us, go see a lawyer in your area.