Bathing a Child With Unrelated Children During Visitation

[chelsie]

No worries, chelsie - it's never a bad thing to learn

Stick around the forums - there's a wealth of information to be had! (And it's free!)

Thanks, I am

[janjan_]

I don't agree with the consensus; If we look at this situation in black and white, based solely off of what OP has written here, I think it is extremely strange and disturbing that an almost seven year old child is bathing with other children and staying over other people's homes where the father isn't allowed to stay. This entire scenario leaves a bad taste in my mouth and if it were MY daughter, I'd be getting to the bottom of it and nipping it in the bud.

HOWEVER, in light of the fact that your child is autistic, I'm left wondering if maybe she's misinterpreting a situation or doesn't know how to explain it correctly. Maybe it was a group shower at a pool or something? Or maybe the woman is a nanny and bathes multiple children simultaneously, and is also caring for the child overnight because dad had to work or go out or something? The only thing that doesn't add up with regards to a misinterpretation on the child's part is the fact that Dad agreed with you and promised not to let this happen again. So did he say who the woman and man are? Did he offer any type of explanation at all?

Honestly, I don't know what your relationship with your ex is but if it were me, I'd call mine and say, "Hey, John, what's going on? Please, tell me what our daughter is talking about so that I don't jump to the wrong conclusion and get all worked up for nothing. Talk to me." Maybe he'll open up. Maybe he's scared of telling you he's not fully exercising his visitation because he's working nights now, for example. Whatever, I'm just throwing possibilities your way, but whatever the case may be, talking things out with him is your best bet to resolving this issue. If this fails, then, even though you are not going to get a modification of visitation based on what you've written here, at least he'll probably have to offer an explanation of the incidents your daughter described and it'll either ease your worries, or have him stop the disturbing bathing situation for fear of having you take him to court again.

[Dogmatique]

I don't agree with the consensus; If we look at this situation in black and white, based solely off of what OP has written here, I think it is extremely strange and disturbing that an almost seven year old child is bathing with other children and staying over other people's homes where the father isn't allowed to stay. This entire scenario leaves a bad taste in my mouth and if it were MY daughter, I'd be getting to the bottom of it and nipping it in the bud.

Your opinion doesn't really have any effect on the legal reality.

HOWEVER, in light of the fact that your child is autistic, I'm left wondering if maybe she's misinterpreting a situation or doesn't know how to explain it correctly. Maybe it was a group shower at a pool or something? Or maybe the woman is a nanny and bathes multiple children simultaneously, and is also caring for the child overnight because dad had to work or go out or something? The only thing that doesn't add up with regards to a misinterpretation on the child's part is the fact that Dad agreed with you and promised not to let this happen again. So did he say who the woman and man are? Did he offer any type of explanation at all?

Honestly, I don't know what your relationship with your ex is but if it were me, I'd call mine and say, "Hey, John, what's going on? Please, tell me what our daughter is talking about so that I don't jump to the wrong conclusion and get all worked up for nothing. Talk to me." Maybe he'll open up. Maybe he's scared of telling you he's not fully exercising his visitation because he's working nights now, for example. Whatever, I'm just throwing possibilities your way, but whatever the case may be, talking things out with him is your best bet to resolving this issue. If this fails, then, even though you are not going to get a modification of visitation based on what you've written here, at least he'll probably have to offer an explanation of the incidents your daughter described and it'll either ease your worries, or have him stop the disturbing bathing situation for fear of having you take him to court again.

Ditto my previous response.

[janjan_]

[QUOTE=Dogmatique;669567]Your opinion doesn't really have any effect on the legal reality.

I understand that it doesn't, I'm just trying to offer the OP another perspective and give insight on how I would handle it. I'm part of another custody board that's more of a support board so it's difficult for me to give straight-forward answers without including my opinion.

[Dogmatique]

[QUOTE=janjan_;669568]

Your opinion doesn't really have any effect on the legal reality.

I understand that it doesn't, I'm just trying to offer the OP another perspective and give insight on how I would handle it. I'm part of another custody board that's more of a support board so it's difficult for me to give straight-forward answers without including my opinion.

I understand that, Janjan. I'm also a member of several other boards.

But this board? It's about legalities, and it's sometimes tough to separate our emotions from the legal aspects of the poster's question. I do understand where you're coming from, but unfortunately this OP needs to understand that the courts are incredibly reluctant to micro-manage parenting styles.

They trust each parent to take care of the child. Sometimes what one parent does is directly contrary to what the other parent would do. Unless it can be absolutely proven that the parent's actions are harming the child, the court honestly doesn't care.

On a more personal note? I'm old enough to remember my mother putting me in the bath with my cousins at 6/7. They were even male (boys have cooties! ). But it didn't harm us.

I've also bathed all three of my grandkids together (they're cousins). Two boys, one girl. No harm done.

[janjan_]

Of course! And like you said, you're comfortable with the situation because of your personal experiences. I'm not. At 7 years old I wouldn't have been caught dead naked in front of anyone but my mom and grandma, and even then it made me uncomfortable. My daughter is the same exact way. So when OP asks if we "think" she is overreacting, I offer a personal opinion, not a legality.

I am very happy that the courts don't micro-manage parenting styles; it means my husband will likely get his way at our own hearing soon. Regardless OP, like I mentioned previously, your motion will most likely be denied; his visitation will not be limited to your state. But I hope that in proceeding with this motion you get some answers for peace of mind's sake.

[horseyjess]

[QUOTE=Dogmatique;669570]

I understand that, Janjan. I'm also a member of several other boards.

But this board? It's about legalities, and it's sometimes tough to separate our emotions from the legal aspects of the poster's question. I do understand where you're coming from, but unfortunately this OP needs to understand that the courts are incredibly reluctant to micro-manage parenting styles.

They trust each parent to take care of the child. Sometimes what one parent does is directly contrary to what the other parent would do. Unless it can be absolutely proven that the parent's actions are harming the child, the court honestly doesn't care.

On a more personal note? I'm old enough to remember my mother putting me in the bath with my cousins at 6/7. They were even male (boys have cooties! ). But it didn't harm us.

I've also bathed all three of my grandkids together (they're cousins). Two boys, one girl. No harm done.

See I have issues with this as well. I knew legally there was nothing I could do either. I work in a profession that makes me cynical. I also am very protective of my babies. Also had a nasty divorce lol. When my ex and I were finally divorced and he decided to take his short lived visitation. My then youngest was 6.5 as well. He had a new girlfriend and he had her bath and wash our daughter. I had BIG issues with this. As I didnt even bath her myself anymore. It also made my daughter uncomfy and she told me. As for one I didnt wash her body anymore and this woman was a stranger. I had a cow, it got me no where lol. It stopped when my daughter would refuse to shower with the woman in the bathroom. There was nothing legally I could do . It sucks but so is divorce lol!

[Dogmatique]

See, there's the thing. MOST kids adapt to any situation as long as there isn't someone encouraging them to NOT adapt. There are of course exceptions.

But divorce doesn't have to make enemies of the adults, and it doesn't have to make the kids scared of things that are - USUALLY - considered perfectly normal.

I mean no offense to anyone who has posted, but honestly? With a few exceptions, kids are nervous and/or awkward because one of the adults is projecting.

[janjan_]

While i don't disagree that the OP may be projecting her own nervousness on her child, this is not always the case and i speak from personal experience. I was taught from the moment i entered kindergarten that my nakedness is very private and only my parents or doctor should see me in that state. This is what I've taught and will continue teaching my children, for their own safety above anything else. And this is why my "opinion" is that while Dad may not be legally in the wrong here, he is displaying poor judgment as a parent for allowing a stranger to bathe his almost seven yeqr old daughter, which is why i sympathize with OP.

[llworking]

While i don't disagree that the OP may be projecting her own nervousness on her child, this is not always the case and i speak from personal experience. I was taught from the moment i entered kindergarten that my nakedness is very private and only my parents or doctor should see me in that state. This is what I've taught and will continue teaching my children, for their own safety above anything else. And this is why my "opinion" is that while Dad may not be legally in the wrong here, he is displaying poor judgment as a parent for allowing a stranger to bathe his almost seven yeqr old daughter, which is why i sympathize with OP.

I agree with you. I don't find it normal at all for children of that age to be bathed together, or to need help with bathing, therefore I am also more sympathetic to the OP than others who are posting.

Yet, at the same time I also remember things from my childhood (not bathing) where others might have problems. I remember visiting my grandparents as children and all of the cousins (8 of us) sleeping in puppy piles...and honestly, it probably went on longer (age wise) than was really appropriate. I think that I was a teenager before the adults felt it necessary to separate us into boy/girl puppie piles. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that it probably should have been divided long before that, because in the male/female situation we kind of mirrored each other age wise.

However, it was a situation where all of our parents were present, and no one thought about anything untowards. All of us cousins were really raised more like silblings.

I do think that THIS mom needs to talk more with THIS dad, and try to get a better understanding of what is really going on.