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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Berlin, Wisconsin, United States
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    10

    Question Father on Disability for Social Anxiety and Depression Not Able to Care for Child

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Wisconsin

    Long Story Short (I have included the WHOLE story below in case the details are necessary).

    Paternity, Joint Custody & Shared Placement was established by the court July 2011. We had no written schedule of physical placement because we were living together at that time. In Feb 2012, I left this 9 year relationship with my Ex because he was abusive to me (foolishly I never contacted the police or I would have documented proof). May 1st, per our verbal agreement, he took our son for the Summer, with the promise that he would return him August 1st. On August 1st, my Ex called me to inform that he would not be returning our son, that he had hired an Attorney and intended to petition for sole custody, and that he would not allow me to see our 20 month-old son until the court decided the placement schedule.

    The Issue: My Ex is 23y.o. and still lives with his disabled Mother in low-income housing. He is not a High School graduate and has been on SSDI for the past 2 years due to his social anxiety disorder and depression. During our time together, he refused to take medication that alleviate his symptoms, was frequently unable to get out of bed until 1pm, would have panic attacks at the thought of going on in public, refused to go to the park or out to dinner, or to socialize with anyone other than his immediate family. While we were together, he was a chronic marijuana user and rarely participated in caring for our son; knowing all this, I justified allowing our son to spend the Summer with his Dad because his Mother would be there to help.

    While I know my Ex loves our son, I don’t believe he is capable of caring for his social, emotional, and mental needs. While my Ex “claims” to be drug-free and emotionally more stable, I have no way of confirming this. And between what I know of his past behavior as well as the documented level of his “disability” which qualified him for SSDI because it was found that he was incapable of working or going to school; I wonder if this could be brought as evidence of his inability to act as the primary caretaker of our son. Also, I don’t think my Ex’s desires to obtain sole custody are genuinely in the best interest of our son; instead, I believe that his desire to keep our son is but one more attempt at controlling, abusing, and hurting me. Additionally, he has told me that by having our son he is entitled to additional monies, government support, food stamps, housing, et.

    MY QUESTION:
    Can my Ex’s emotional/mental disability be used as a means for proving that he is unfit to be the primary caretaker. And if so, would I go about proving the level of his disability and produce evidence that supports my concerns?



    Feb 2012, I left this abusive for last time and moved in with my sister. I called him every night so he could talk to our son and allowed an open invitation for visitation (I did not have a license yet). My Ex did ask take our son for a week in April, but couldn’t handle our son’s crying, so he brought him back within 4 days. Eventually m Ex proposed a visitation schedule in which I would have placement from Sept 1 – June 15 and my Ex would have him throughout the summer; of which I agreed knowing that I would have to work and thus place our son in daycare over the Summer, whereas my Ex is “disabled” and could be at home with him. On May 1, I allowed my Ex to take our then 16 month old son believing that he would bring him for monthly visits and return him to me August 1st; but none of this happened. During these months, I called my son nightly and also talked with my Ex who repeatedly asked me to get back together with him, but I always refused. The night before he was supposed to return our son, he told me that he was “signing his own death warrant because by giving our son back he was going to lose housing and be homeless,” I should have known something was wrong then.
    At 11am, on the morning he was going to return my son to me, he called to tell me that he would not be bringing him home, that he was going to file for permanent custody, and that he “didn’t feel comfortable with allowing me to see or visit our son until we go to court”. After contacting the family court and the police department, I was informed that there was nothing anyone could do to force my Ex to return our son because we did not have a placement schedule filed with the court. Note: He has since allowed me now to see my son, it is ONLY in his backyard, at HIS convenience, with HIS supervision, and hasn’t allowed more than 1 hour per week. This of course is but one more attempt at controlling, manipulating, and abusing me.

    Almost immediately, I filed a Motion to Change Physical Placement and to order Temporary Physical Placement, a Request for Mediation, and an Order to Show Cause (to find him in contempt of court for not returning our son and violating the court order). We have since went to Mediation where my Ex was informed that he has no right to keep our son from me and he reluctantly agreed to a 2/2/5/5 schedule, but then informed me immediately after that he had to intention to allow me to take our son. Also, the Judge refused to hear the “Order to Show Cause” Motion, claiming that there was no written schedule filed with the court and because there was already a hearing regarding this matter on the court’s calendar.
    Also, in consulting the Family Court, I discovered that my Ex’s Attorney had also filed a Motion to Modify Custody, ironically on the same day as I had. I requested a copy of his Motion and so have it, but have yet to be served it by my Ex or his Attorney (court is in 2 days, but it was filed 2 months ago). His Motion is riddled with a host of false allegations against me, ranging from accusations of drug use, to unsafe housing, to claims of instability, neglect and abandonment. I have gathered a number of documents to prove his statements false and need to know how to present these to the court.

    Our Status Hearing is in 2 days and I need some guidance.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    Default Re: Father on Disability for Social Anxiety and Depression Not Able to Care for Child

    No chance whatsoever.

    There are quite literally millions of disabled parents who have full custody of their children.

    You stated that you sent your son for the summer - correct? So he was good enough to take care of the child then, yes? You don't get to decide now that because Dad has filed for custody he's now suddenly unfit.

    He's not - and I STRONGLY urge you to forget that line of thinking because it will - it really will - backfire on you in court.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Berlin, Wisconsin, United States
    Posts
    10

    Default Re: Father on Disability for Social Anxiety and Depression Not Able to Care for Child

    @Dogmatique.

    I understand your strong words and I realize that it sounds like I am just digging for something that will make him "look bad." Please understand this is not the case.
    I am concerned about his inability to leave the house, get out of bed, function in society, talk with teachers, et.

    I did address the fact that I allowed our son to go for the summer, but this was with the knowledge that his Mother (who is also on disability) would be there to help care for my son. However, she is not well any longer and certainly not able to care take for our son. This has to weigh into the courts decision to award custody, doesn't it?

    What if my Ex couldn't get out of bed due to his depression and refusal to treat it as recommended... and our 20 month-old son is running around the apartment without supervision and gets hurt? Isn't this neglect? His inability to care for him?

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    Somewhere near Canada
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    Default Re: Father on Disability for Social Anxiety and Depression Not Able to Care for Child

    What proof do you have that the child is endangered? I mean proof - not supposition, not allegation, but actual proof?

    Hon, he had these problems BEFORE you had a child with him. You had a child with him anyway - the court will agree with your decision that he's a fit parent unless there is solid evidence that he's not.

    And yes, I'll be honest, given your other thread it does look as if you're trying whatever it takes to prevent him from having custody - when the reality is that he will stand up in court and tell the judge that no, his mother did NOT provide the childcare at all and that you obviously agreed to him (Dad) having the child for extended periods of visitation.

    It is, I'm sorry, going to look like you're flinging mud :/

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
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    Berlin, Wisconsin, United States
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    Default Re: Father on Disability for Social Anxiety and Depression Not Able to Care for Child

    @Dogmatique.

    Okay, I hear you. And yes, I was a fool to be with him. I will spare you the excuses and sob story. But the bottom-line is that I have been with him since I was 14y.o. through my father’s death, the foster care system and my Mother’s mental illness. I was dependent, easily manipulated, and clung to him because only person who was “there” during my horrendous childhood. When I had my son, my eyes were opened to the life that I was willing to accept by staying with him.
    I will be the first to say that he loves his son and there are still some redeeming qualities about him. But overall, he is a bad, scary, unhealthy guy. He has no ambition, no hs diploma, no aspirations for the future. He is involved in a gang, has a long history (nothing legally documented though) of drug abuse and anger/self-control issues (all documented in I.E.P’s with the school, of which I have no access to), and was/is incredibly controlling and abusive to me. Currently he lives in 2 bedroom housing unit with his Mother and our son, with his only income being SSDI, and his mental health prevents him from leading a normal life.
    I agree that I was at one time willing to have a child with this man and also allow him to take our son for the summer, I was mentally unhealthy myself. I took this summer to get my driver’s license, a bank account, a cell phone, a job, get enrolled in school , get counseling, attend support groups, go to the Dr and the Dentist (all things he forbid me from doing while I was with him). I realize now what I was willing to accept and the situation in which I brought my son into. I just want better for him. I don’t want him to be condemned to the sadness, hopelessness, and fear that I lived with my Ex for all these past years. I get it now…. But how do I make this right for my son? And how do I prevent him from suffering the consequences of my poor judgment?

    The reality is this: I am not really trying to sling mud. Instead this is a case of “when you know better, you do better.” My Ex has essentially stolen and then held our son hostage in an effort to collect additional benefits and maintain control over me. He tells me this will all end if only I come back to him. I am trying to do this right. I could have gone to his house and stole my son back (the police said so) but then he would just become a pawn in a game of tug-o-war. I haven’t done that, even though every fiber of my being tells me too. Please help me do what is right for my son.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
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    Default Re: Father on Disability for Social Anxiety and Depression Not Able to Care for Child

    He didn't steal your son - because the child is your mutual child.

    Dad has a home, and support (his Mom) - he also has a regular income. Further, you also concede that you've had mental health issues; if you use Dad's against him, you can expect him to use yours against you. I know you're worried, Mom - I do know you're worried. And I have no doubt that you have at least some validity to your concerns. But the bottom line is that the acceptable standard of parenting is depressingly low, and nothing you've said here indicates that Dad is actually unfit. Not perfect, by any means - but he's not unfit.

    What you need to focus on is showing the court that you are a good, decent, fit parent yourself. Worry less about Dad's misgivings.

    There's one thing I want to ask though before we go further; is he actually on SSDI or SSI?

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