You can't demand that he respects you. It sucks, but that's the reality. Trying to force him is just going to push him away even further. Yes, it can backfire if you end up in court and the judge feels like you both need to be micro-managed - and the last thing you want to do is piss off the judge on your case.
So, haircuts. We've moved past those, which is good. The court won't see a difference between trimming an inch, and giving kiddo a blue mohawk.
You say it was done out of retaliation - but why is Dad trying to retaliate? Because you've tried to assert your dominance (in his eyes, anyway)? That's the key here. With regards to taking kiddo out of state, what exactly do your current orders say about it? Same question wrt extracurriculars.
In all honesty, at this point, the judge would likely slam both of you and tell you both to get a grip with co-parenting. Is that unfair? Yes, it might well be if it's truly one-sided.

