Protection for Child from One Who Attempted Sexual Assault

[sharen67]

My question involves restraining orders in the State of: Illinois

I'm not sure if I'm in the right place or not, but here goes: Last summer, about a week after her 13th birthday, a family friend who was, I believe 17 at the time attempted to sexually assualt my daughter at her friend's house. The boy is an older stepbrother of my daughter's friend. He specifically had her pinned down while she asked him repeatedly told him to stop. The boy's father tried to blow this off as a boys will boys thing. After weeks of treating my daughter like she'd done soemthing wrong (she was not allowed to hang out with the daughter anymore because I insisted her friend come to our house instead), the boy starts going to my son's place of work and would stand in front of him just smirking at him, not saying anything. I finally mentioned to the Neandertal father that, based on his behavior his son would technically be considered a sex offender. He went off and made two different calls to our house, threatening to sue our family for defamation, then backpedaling when I suggested we let the states attorney's offfice figure it all out. My daughter wanted it all just to go away and did not want to press charges, and we felt like it should be her choice at the time.

A few weeks later, the father is drinking with some of his family at the lake and sees my son (17) fishing. He physically got in my son's face and yelled about how our family was "running our mouths" and better shut them, etc. When my son would try to walk around him, the man (in his 40s and a good head taller than our boy) would block his path and get within a few inches of him.

Over the course of the last year, the boy who did this makes a point to catch our daughter's eye when she's out without us. She just came home from a ballgame tonight creeped out because this boy, who has since graduated, made sure to catch her eye and wave at her. It can't be understated how creepy this boy is.

Problem is, we live in a small town that has a history of, well, a court system that prosecutes based on who you are in the community. There is a new S.A. so I have no reason to assume she's as backward as previous ones, aside from history. What should we do? We have tried to telling her to ignore him, but we are now over a year later and she is still seeing a therapist, afraid of the dark, and generally still traumatized by this incident. The father does not think his son should take any responsbility for his behavior. I don't even care about dragging her through trying to establish the assault occured, we just want her left alone. Any ideas?

[Dogmatique]

There is no conviction, correct?

And lately nothing other than waving or minor contact according to your daughter?

[sharen67]

There is no conviction, correct?

And lately nothing other than waving or minor contact according to your daughter?

Hello, that's correct. There have been people witness several of these incidents, including when the father was trying to intimidate my son. At the time it happened, the dad was telling us he'd say things about our daughter in public to discredit her if we went to the police. she was embarassed by what had happened (I won't go into graphic details) She was intimidated and didn't want to be humiliated. We found out later last year that the boy did the same thing to one of his classmates and again, threatened her into being quiet. Obviously, we know he gets away with the assault. My question is, since asking the parent to ask him to stop is a joke as the dad supports his behavior should I even bother asking the SA for advice here?

[Mr. Knowitall]

He did something, creepy but not illegal, a single time, a full year ago and since then she's seen him from a distance at public events? I'm not yet seeing a basis for a protective order.

[aardvarc]

State attorneys prosecute cases that reach their desks as the result of a police report and investigation. Until someone is willing to actually file a police report about this boy's actions, he will continue to get away with it. So long as both sides are content to threaten to report, sue, etc. as a way of keeping the other side from taking action, then the status quo will remain. If Neanderthal dad is exhibiting threatening or harassing behavior, then it may be time to consider seeking a restraining order against him. But be aware that so long as the attempted assault remains unreported, the judge isn't going to give it consideration (judges tend to feel that when a parent knows that their minor was attacked, they report it, and with no report, credibility becomes suspect to the court).

The flip side is, as you're obviously aware, that bringing matters such as these before courts, judges, juries, etc. can be stressful, embarassing, and even traumatic, for the minor victim. There are courses of action that cannot fly without a report of the incident, but the reporting and pursuit of the incident can place additional burdens and demands on an already traumatized victim. In other words, sometimes things have to get harder before they get better and each case is a unique tradeoff between trying to hold a perpetrator accountable, and allowing the victim to move past the events and work on self-healing - not to mention having the control over ability to act or not act. Don't feel bad about not knowing what to do - you're in a position with conflicting possibilites and even conflicting goals. Some courses, like reporting or seeking a restraining order will involve additional confrontation with the persons in question, which may not be what your daughter wants to go through, even if doing so could help hold him accountable or give dad a reason to stop his harassment. Trying to ignore it may come at the cost of your daughter withdrawing socially or increasing her fears of worrying about the perp or his dad every time she leaves the house. It'll really boil down to which possible path is most desireable in light of how your daughter feels about whether she wants to be confrontational with them, or whether she'd prefer to try to put them and the incident behind her with therapeutic help. Either can be right.