Son's Girlfriend is Pregnant, He is Unemployed

[aardvarc]

Gotta ditto Missy's post. Picture this scenario: mom meets some guy WITH a job, who offers to let her and the baby move in - he'll provide shelter, power, cable, water, air conditioning, internet access, and even groceries - and all mom has to do is provide services for him in return. It's a "deal" that gets made thousands of times a day - and becoming a mom tends to change priorities for young women, especially when faced with the question of how to be able to afford to care for their child. Love may be love, but when push comes to shove, love doesn't buy diapers, or formula. Should mom ever take the chance to "move up" to a better situation for herself and the child, and your son doesn't have all his legal I's dotted and T's crossed in the form of court ordered visitation, he could very well find himself in the situation of having ZERO access to his child without a multi-month court process, and potential legal expenses to boot. As an unwed father, he'll have no rights that can be enforced until he goes to court and has those rights spelled out. (And as grandparents, your ability to have access to your grandchild is dependent on dad's rights.)

The flip side to that coin is that married parents enjoy the exact same legal standing regarding their children, in terms of custody, financial responsibility, etc.

So dad really has two choices: marry mom and work the situation as a unified couple, with both sides contributing to the raising of the child in whatever capacities they are able to agree on (one might earn more, while the other spends more time caring for the child, or both might work and do child care equally - whatever works for them, their schedules, their lifestyles, their resources, etc.), or ....don't marry mom, but get rights established ASAP and anticipate a court determining an exact amount dad will be liable for.

The odds are against them staying together but hopefully, with supportive family, they will have a better chance.

You hit the nail on the head right here. Being a single parent at a young age is the #1 predictor for a woman and child to spend a life in poverty. Supportive family is important - as non-supportive family can tear apart even relationships where money or ability to support a child isn't an issue (which it IS here). But the "biggie" will be which direction your son and mom decide to go - getting married gives BOTH sides equal rights and protections, and the ability to make decisions, face challenges, and solve problems among themselves, while not being married means that outside forces such as the courts will be making many decisions FOR him - most importantly how often he gets to see his child, and exactly how much it'll cost in financial terms. Marriage gives the parents control of the situation, each bearing full responsibility, while non-marriage takes away control and gives it to the courts, but with much better outlined "knowns" in terms of visitation and support. Finally, if dad NEITHER marries mom, NOR seeks to have his rights outlined for visitation, he is completely at mom's mercy, whims, hormonal surges, moods, time of the month, etc. when it comes to his child and he needs to be thinking of having enough jobs to keep her happy since he'd effectively have NO chips to play if mom becomes UNhappy, for ANY reason.

[Momski]

These are all really good points, Missy and Aardvarc - lots to ponder. This is so not how I pictured it going in my little fantasy world.

[cbg]

And while I have young adult kids of my own, applaud you for looking out for them and understand your concerns, I have to admit that this annoyed me a bit:

if there is an advantage for the mother to remain single in terms of receiving state aide, health care for the child or other such benefits?

Which translates to, even if unknowingly, what's the best way to ensure that the taxpayers foot some or all of the bill?

I understand that you didn't mean it that way, don't get me wrong. But state aide comes out of SOMEONE's pocket.

[Momski]

I understand your point and completely agree with you. Never, ever did I think that we would find ourselves in this situation. When these two got together the importance of using birth control and preventing pregnancy was discussed in detail. The girlfriend comes from a culture of single parenting with the resultant poverty and, despite her own mother's efforts to break the cycle, she seems determined to perpetuate this pattern. Believe me, we don't want that to happen. My intent here was to explore all the scenarios - especially the worst case scenarios which is why that question came up. I definitely see state aide as a last resort.

[distressedmom]

I know it sounds cruel, but your son may also want to request a DNA test. How many times have we seen in this forum a case where someone thought they were the dad, only to find out they were not. By then the court has already declared them the legal father and there was nothing they could do about it.

[Dogmatique]

I don't think that's cruel in the least, dm! I think it's a very, very sensible suggestion!

[LawResearcherMissy]

I know it sounds cruel, but your son may also want to request a DNA test. How many times have we seen in this forum a case where someone thought they were the dad, only to find out they were not. By then the court has already declared them the legal father and there was nothing they could do about it.

I personally do not think it's cruel at all. Rather, it's sensible and protects everyone involved.

I am of the opinion that DNA testing should be done even if the parents are married, too. We've had, just in recent months, a good dozen Dads find out during divorce proceedings that the child(ren) born during their marriage isn't their biological child.

[Momski]

Never say never, but since I think the chances of that are less than zero and I don't want to alienate the mother any more than I already have, in order to preserve some chance of having a relationship with my future grandchild (gulp) I will forgo that suggestion. Unless there is some obvious clue once the child is born.

[horseyjess]

Never say never, but since I think the chances of that are less than zero and I don't want to alienate the mother any more than I already have, in order to preserve some chance of having a relationship with my future grandchild (gulp) I will forgo that suggestion. Unless there is some obvious clue once the child is born.

If you wait until after the child is born to convince him of this, it may be to late. If he signs on the dotted line at the hospital the child is his legally. If the child turns blue like a Smurf, once he signs there is no going back.

[distressedmom]

Agreed-

Your son has to ask for the DNA test, not you. He will be doing it for his protection because there are too many stories out there where a trusting guy was mislead. It is really the right thing to do.

If its truly his child, then he can ask the court for visitation and you can establish a relationship with the child.

Court orders sound cruel, but they are really there to protect all parties.

She may feel hurt at first about the idea of a dna test, but if its really his child then she should not care because there would be nothing to worry about.