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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
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    3

    Exclamation Father Wants Children to Have His Last Name, but Mother Refuses

    My question involves name change laws in the State of: VA

    The mother of my son (we were never married) became pregnant very early in our relationship - as a result when we found out she was pregnant. She did not know who the father was, myself, or her ex-boyfriend. (a documented, domestic abuser and father to two other children of hers) As her delivery date approached, she chose for him to stay with her, so in order to avoid problems, I kept my distance until the day of the birth. That day (early 2011), and every day she was in hospital recovering, I visited her and baby - even though paternity has yet to be established either way. When the birth certificate paperwork arrived I was there, she left the father box blank obviously, and we agreed that for the time being, the baby could have her last name until paternity was established. (her other two children have her last name too... but that's none of my business)

    After about a week of baby being home, paternity test came back, and I was the father. (Note: we were not in a relationship during any of this.) I had asked initially about the child's last name, and I got an "I'll think about it." In the spirit of keeping this cordial, I let it go temporarily, so as to avoid unpleasantness early in the baby's life. Obviously, it took some time to figure out informal visitation, etc. In August 2011, we established a fair number, based of VA's child support calculator, on how much child support I should pay - and I've been paying it without fail. And in fact, I was buying my child clothes, toys, formula (from a list she gave me) periodically, since paternity was established. In that same month of August, I bought a home, and shortly thereafter made a bedroom for my child... furniture, decorations, the works. In late 2011, for the first time, we entered a committed relationship - and I got to see my child almost daily. In early 2012 (after a year of waiting it out), I brought up the child's last name issue again, and received considerable push-back. I shelved the question yet again, and went ahead and filled out the paperwork to get my name on my child's birth certificate - which is done. Shortly thereafter, our relationship ended. Things are somewhat less cordial, but I do plan on bringing the child's last name question up one final time.

    If she says no, my question for this forum is: What can a father, with no criminal record, no history of drug or alcohol abuse, a successful career, who has done everything he can possibly do in regards to seeing his child, providing financially for his child, DO to get the his child to have his last name?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    Default Re: A Good Dad Wants His Child to Have His Last Name - but She Refuses

    Prove that it's in the child's best interest.

    Generally though, with a very young child, the very least you can expect if Mom objects is that kiddo's last name is hyphenated.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
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    3

    Default Re: A Good Dad Wants His Child to Have His Last Name - but She Refuses

    The child will be taken care of by me, no matter what his last name is... so the child's best interests will always be covered. Just tough (and I know the law is impartial to feelings) to accept that you're doing everything you can to be a part of a child's life (in every way), and yet because of an unsettled paternity at the time of birth that was no fault of my own, my child can't have my last name. Tough to accept, but the hyphenated way might be more acceptable to mother... Thank you for that suggestion - I will think about that.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    Somewhere near Canada
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    Default Re: A Good Dad Wants His Child to Have His Last Name - but She Refuses

    Given that the child is very, very young and has obviously no long term ties to his current last name, you do actually stand a decent (at worst) chance of having kiddo's name changed.

    Ask for that, and settle for hyphenation. If Mom is going to drag it out for months and months though hyphenation might be a better first suggestion. Only you know how she'll react though.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
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    Default Re: A Good Dad Wants His Child to Have His Last Name - but She Refuses

    Quote Quoting GoodFather
    View Post
    I know the law is impartial to feelings) to accept that you're doing everything you can to be a part of a child's life (in every way), and yet because of an unsettled paternity at the time of birth that was no fault of my own, my child can't have my last name. Tough to accept,
    I commend you for stepping up for your child.

    Take a look though for a second at your sense of male entitlement here. You indicate that it is tough to accept that your son can't have your last name. Why? Aren't you asking mom to give up the child sharing a name with her and asking her to take the same "tough to accept" position you are currently in? Different cultures handle the surname situation differently, but in the US society presumes a child gets the father's name through no fault of the mothers. Frankly, it may be tough for mom to accept that SHE can be a part of a child's life in every way but the child can't have HER last name.

    I think you should think a little bit about what you are asking.

    (OP, with that said, I will let you know I am not against kids havind Dad's last name, I just think you aren't really thinking what you are asking or what you are saying here. Both my kid's have their Dad's last name and my son is a III bearing the exact same name as his Dad.)

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
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    Somewhere near Canada
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    Default Re: A Good Dad Wants His Child to Have His Last Name - but She Refuses

    A rose called by any other name...


  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
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    Default Re: A Good Dad Wants His Child to Have His Last Name - but She Refuses

    Quote Quoting Dogmatique
    View Post
    A rose called by any other name...

    True, true.. would smell as sweet...

    I was Juliet in a school play when I was 12 and it makes me want to start reciting the lines...

    Now, off topic, what the heck are you doing up? Isn't it like 2am. On that note, what the heck am I doing up. Should I get coffee, or something a bit stronger?

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
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    Default Re: A Good Dad Wants His Child to Have His Last Name - but She Refuses

    I would *always* recommend the "something stronger"

    You're right, m'dear. It's past 2am, but our schedule is such that during the week my other half would have only been home from work a couple of hours. That's often why I end up answering the more "unusual" posts on the various forums.

    (Wasn't that tactful?!)

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    3

    Default Re: A Good Dad Wants His Child to Have His Last Name - but She Refuses

    In the end, my child's well-being is what's MOST important - the last name is not important. Yes, part of it is a "societal" thing... some of it is a pride thing, as a man who takes fatherhood seriously, I would like my child to bear my name - like I have my dad's name, my ex has HER dad's name, and your children have their father's name. It's not a big, transcendental, sociological thing. Most kids have their father's name. My child, who has a father who is very involved, won't. I understand that someone from the outside looking in not thinking its a big deal... as I'm sure a judge wouldn't. But for me, and my child I suspect, we'll have a lifetime of awkward questions as to 'why is your last name different than your dad's?' And I just won't have a good answer.

    Thank you for your opinion... and taking the time to respond. It's good to hear the other side.

  10. #10

    Default Re: A Good Dad Wants His Child to Have His Last Name - but She Refuses

    Something else to think about is not only would child's name be different than mom's, it will also be different than all siblings living in the house. Turn it around - there would be questions about why is my last name different from everybody else's name at home???

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