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  1. #1
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    Feb 2012
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    Question Will the Judge Hate You if You Are the Petitioner in a Temporary Order of Protection

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Missouri.

    First some background information. I have a temporary order of protection against my ex. He was abusive in the past and I can prove some, but not all, of the abuse - although so far, nobody has asked me for any proof. CPS questioned both of us, which I hear is standard in a case like this. My ex is going around bragging to people that CPS took his side and that they know he would never hurt his son. I actually believe they might have really told him that, because when they interviewed me, they said that if my ex was actually abusive, I would have moved out months before I did. Keep in mind the abuse was primarily emotional/verbal/financial and that MANY men and women stay longer than they should - is CPS not trained in domestic abuse?! Yes, I admit I should have left sooner, but that doesn't mean the abuse didn't occur. My ex drained my savings and I ended up with a repo'ed car and no cell phone - and most of my friends and family are halfway across the country. I didn't know how to leave at the time. I'm not going to sit here and cry that I'm a victim, though, because I understand more about abuse now and wouldn't put up with this ever again. I'm only mentioning this so you can understand the situation.

    My ex does scare me and I do still believe he would hurt me if he had the chance. I believe he would hurt my children if he was alone with them, but he puts on a good front for other people. Currently, although he can't talk to me, he is finding other little ways to get to me - lying to the GAL and his lawyer (which means I get little messages in the mail), lying on expense sheets, driving around my house and stopping in front of my window (and yes, I called the police, but they didn't care), sending my friends messages to give to me (and yes, the TRO prevents him from doing that, but he does it anyway), attempting to cancel utilities with me and the kids in the house, and making false noise complaints (I don't know for sure if they're from him, but I received 5 in a two week period after our last court date - and each time the police arrived, they seemed fairly confused as my kids were in bed or watching TV quietly in the dark with me - I've lived here for years and never had a complaint prior to that). I have had several of his friends and family members state that he would be more civil towards me, whatever that means, if I were to drop the order of protection.

    I made the mistake of using Google to see how many abusers get custody of their kids. I ended up reading all these horror stories about how judges look down on battered women or women who stay with abusers and think they're unstable. Then they take the kids away and give the abuser sole custody because they believe the mother is guilty of Parental Alienation Syndrome or something like that. Does this really happen a lot? I'm thinking about dismissing the temporary restraining order because I'm scared a judge will be angry that I have one, and I'm also hoping dismissing it would make my ex calm down. My friends think this is a huge mistake (they've been around enough to know that my ex has a temper), but I'm scared and don't know what to do.

  2. #2
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    Jan 2008
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    Default Re: Will the Judge Hate You if You Are the Petitioner in a Temporary Order of Protect

    Will the Judge Hate You if You Are the Petitioner in a Temporary Order of Protection
    That's kind of a silly question.

    A judge's job is to act impartially, without regard to how they may feel about you. The truth of the matter is that as long as you don't lapse into histrionics or otherwise comport yourself as an ass in court, the judge does not care one tiny little bit about you, personally.

    My friends think this is a huge mistake (they've been around enough to know that my ex has a temper), but I'm scared and don't know what to do.
    Your friends are correct. If you're scared, leave the order in place, and report him when he violates it.

  3. #3
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    Oct 2011
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    Default Re: Will the Judge Hate You if You Are the Petitioner in a Temporary Order of Protect

    Quote Quoting StressedinMO
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    primarily emotional/verbal/financial



    My ex does scare me and I do still believe he would hurt me if he had the chance.
    .
    So did he hit you? strangle you? Did he pinn you down?

    You believe he would hurt you if given the chance, yet he has the chance when he drives by to get out of the car and approach you. And doesnt. ????

    Just the little bit you posted doesnt ad up please explain where the physical abuse is as that is more important than issues of financial and verbal abuse.

    Sounding a lil historonic here, but you can clear it up with an instance of actual full on DV

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Will the Judge Hate You if You Are the Petitioner in a Temporary Order of Protect

    Quote Quoting passiondad
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    So did he hit you? strangle you? Did he pinn you down?

    You believe he would hurt you if given the chance, yet he has the chance when he drives by to get out of the car and approach you. And doesnt. ????

    Just the little bit you posted doesnt ad up please explain where the physical abuse is as that is more important than issues of financial and verbal abuse.

    Sounding a lil historonic here, but you can clear it up with an instance of actual full on DV
    When I said that he'd do it if he had the chance, I meant that if he thought he couldn't get caught. He pinned me down and sat on top of me numerous times to get his way. He threw large, heavy objects at me with the intent to harm me. He drove his car excessively fast and punched it to scare me. He told me several times, in detail, exactly how he would kill me. He got in our baby's face and screamed at him because he wouldn't stop crying. These are just a few examples. I'm not going to attempt to make him sound worse than he was, but the stuff he did was bad enough. I believe that I left before it could get any worse, and I'm thankful that I finally did. I have messages where he says I deserved all of these things, then he changes his mind and apologizes. I recently learned that another person reported him for abuse awhile back, so I guess he's always been like this. I do know that he has some mental health conditions that he chooses to no longer be treated for, so maybe that's some of it...I don't know, I'm not a doctor. He grew up in an abusive household with a father who has assaulted 2 women in the last 2 years, which is why the courts won't let him have his supervised visits at that home. I was told the financial abuse was actually pretty serious, mainly because he did it for a reason. Meaning his goal was to leave me broke, homeless, and unable to care for my kids so he could get custody and "win" (and I'm not just assuming these were his intentions - there are messages stating this plan). After thinking it over, I realize dismissing the restraining order would be a terrible idea and will definitely not make him any nicer. I'm also going to stay away from Google for awhile - I think I'm experiencing an information overload and allowing it to stress me out.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Will the Judge Hate You if You Are the Petitioner in a Temporary Order of Protect

    There's a very effective way to counter "financial / economic" abuse:

    Get a job.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Will the Judge Hate You if You Are the Petitioner in a Temporary Order of Protect

    Quote Quoting Michael44
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    There's a very effective way to counter "financial / economic" abuse:

    Get a job.
    That would be great advice if I didn't have one. I have a job, and I've had one for years. I've never been unemployed for more than a few weeks, and that was long before I knew my ex (lost a position when the economy went bad, then found a new job less than a month later). We had a lot of shared bills, including the place we lived in, and I was told that I legally could not remove his name without his consent (and of course he didn't consent to it). His plan was to stop paying his share of bills (while he was still living here) because he thought I couldn't afford it without his help. He was wrong, and I still live here.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Will the Judge Hate You if You Are the Petitioner in a Temporary Order of Protect

    Then I don't understand how he's going to leave you "broke and homeless" as you stated he wanted to do in a previous thread.

    If he won't pay his half, you maybe move into a bit smaller place and cover all your own bills. That's how it works.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Will the Judge Hate You if You Are the Petitioner in a Temporary Order of Protect

    Quote Quoting Michael44
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    Then I don't understand how he's going to leave you "broke and homeless" as you stated he wanted to do in a previous thread.

    If he won't pay his half, you maybe move into a bit smaller place and cover all your own bills. That's how it works.
    Maybe I'm misunderstanding your posts, but it seems like you think I've been living off of my ex. I've been covering my own bills since day one, PLUS his - he refused to pay his half of rent or utilities for almost a year. He refused to buy diapers or formula. He would like to leave me broke and homeless, and that's his goal, but it's not working. Obviously I would have a lot more money if he had been paying his share of bills since day one, and it doesn't help that he drained my bank accounts before I switched over to new ones. It is okay for me to be upset about that, but it's not like I sit around all day and cry about how it happened. I went back to work less than a week after my son was born because I had no choice - I couldn't afford not to. There was a time when I lost almost everything I had, but within two months of leaving him, I had a car and a cell phone again, plus a pantry full of food (we weren't starving before, I'm just saying that it's nice to have plenty of food and everything we need here). I telecommute to save money on daycare and gas, so that works out well. This legal stuff, not his lack of paying bills, is what will leave me broke now, but I picked up some side jobs and am doing the best I can. I already live in the cheapest apartment complex in my city, so moving isn't really an option.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Will the Judge Hate You if You Are the Petitioner in a Temporary Order of Protect

    Quote Quoting StressedinMO
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    Maybe I'm misunderstanding your posts, but it seems like you think I've been living off of my ex. .
    The danger of advice that is free and anonymous is that you don't know who is advising you. The first response you received from LawResearcherMissy, which was to keep the restraining order if you are fearful and based on your description fear would be understandable, was the only response with any credibility. LawResearcherMissy is a site moderator.

    Passiondad has been losing a custody case for most of the past two years and is accused of domestic violence. He is in no position to give anyone advice on legal matters. Michael44 is a poster whose credentials aren't known but who has declared in other posts that the courts are "one sided and female oriented" and women should be gone up against with full force. So, you might want to take his posts with a grain of salt and peruse his other posts on this forum to determine if his intent was to provide you with any help or actual advice...

    Since you have concern about how the local courts will view your restraining order (in terms of custody) why don't you talk with a local domestic violence advocate? They are free, they are understanding, they understand the significance of economic and emotional abuse (as well as physical abuse) and they KNOW the local legal climate. You can find one by looking at the resources by state on a great website called www.aardvarc.org or by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline and asking for your nearest local resource.

  10. #10
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    Feb 2011
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    Default Re: Will the Judge Hate You if You Are the Petitioner in a Temporary Order of Protect

    drthyrd,

    Thank you for the ad hominem deconstruction of my post.

    I think that the best thing for anyone claiming "financial / economic abuse" is to become self-sustaining. Get a good job. Pay for your own way.

    That advice is miles beyond any specific court tactics on how to chase after some abuser in court for money for the rest of his life. Or switching dependencies to another man. And that was cumulative to the prior advice to leave a restraining order in place - which I agree with.

    And if that is not her problem at all (the financial aspect), I'm really wondering why she brought up "financial abuse" with that level of importance in her posts.

    You don't want to address any real issues, you want to gossip and criticize my advice in specific cases (and ripped out of context) from other situations. If you want to discuss it, do it in the relevant thread. I'm not going to pull the same tactic on you and comb through your old posts for something I can rip out of context.

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