My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Iowa
I am the mother of 2 children age 12 and 7. When their father and I separated and divorced (January 2010) I agreed that the children should live with their father primarily. I was a stay at home mother before our separation and after the split I had to find housing and a job to support us. I knew that I would not be able to properly provide for the children with no resources. The temporary orders stayed in place as we progressed to finalizing the divorce. He threatened to fight me tooth and nail for the children and I did not have the financial resources to spend on trying to battle him. Regardless, the children have continued to live primarily with their father during the week and also attend school in his city. He is living an hour away in his parents home (still) so the prospect of joint physical custody is not feasible since he refuses to move away from where hes at. I did fight for a very liberal visitation schedule and the children are with me 3 weekends out of the month, half their vacations, every other holiday, and this past summer they both spent the entirety of the summer with me.
I am concerned about the lack of structure that the kids have with him and his parents in their home.
Some examples of concern: I drove to attend the school's open house this fall and wanted to have dinner with the kids since I was going to be in town. I arrive at the house and his mother answers the door. I advise that I was there to pick up the kids (this was agreed upon by the father and I earlier in the day). She tells me that she has no idea where the kids are and proceeds to say that she'll drive to the pool and see if they are there. Mind you, my 7 yr old son has never had swimming lessons and should by no means be unattended at a pool! I call their father to find out where the kids are. He tells me that they are at home (which they are not). He makes some phone calls and says they are at his girlfriends house and she will bring them over. I think that concern is justified when no one seems to know where the kids are!
Our son has just started 1st grade this fall. I made it a point to visit with his teachers, give them face time, and also let them know that although I am in another town, I need to be kept in the loop of any problems or issues with my son. Since the inception of this school year, I have received several emails from his teachers about his behavior and lack of respect. He was caught stomping on another childs foot in lunch line, performing a choke hold on a girl, climbing the urinals in the bathroom, not paying attention in class and disrupting fellow classmates. Most recently I was advised that he missed a full math lesson because he was falling asleep during class! I have to believe this is due to lack of structure and discipline in the home. Anytime I try to speak to their father about the lack of discipline or structure, there is a big confrontation. There are reasons that we divorced...
Again, I was a stay at home mother and provided most if not all care for the children. During our marriage, their father worked nights and was therefore unavailable or uninterested in the day to day care of our children. I am just looking for any feedback on whether I might have a case to take back for a change in primary physical custody. I believe that my children would do better with a more structured environment but I am most concerned for my son at this point in time. I am a little worried that changing the living situation with my daughter could be more harmful to her. She is very close to her father and has developed a social network and a comfort level with her living situation.
I also tried to talk this out with their father and requested that our son be able to go to school in my town and spend most of his time in my home. His father would not hear of it and only had the argument that he didnt want to split the kids up. I am seriously considering trying to petition for a change in physical custody. And although I am doing better financially, I am not able to spend a ton of money in attorney fees. I am looking for any input on whether there may be enough "substantial change in circumstance" to warrant me gaining primary physical custody. My biggest concern is for my childrens safety and well-being.
Thank you in advance to anyone that may have some guidance or input.

