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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    6

    Post Growing Problems With Children and Ex-Spouse

    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Arkansas

    I hope it's OK that I join here. Short background I was married to my first husband for 3 years and in that time we had two children. Divorced, and since then we've both remarried, and had other children. We both live in state but I did move almost 6 hours away. (went to court before the move and all was done legal)

    Fast forward to last year. Our oldest who was 12 at the time had started having some trouble in school, grades slipped a little, also began to distance himself from friends and family. At the time I did have pretty reasonable communication with his father. He (son) had started talking about he wanted to move to his dads. And over the course of a few months he changed. He became very angry with his brother, pushing around, yelling. I could hardly speak two words to him without being yelled at. Everything was "it's going to be better at my dads, my dad loves me more then you do, I'll have this and that." We had told him that he did have to finish out the school year here, but come summer he could move. I hate to say it but I had more less given up. I felt like there was just nothing I could do to make him happy, and all I wanted was for him to be happy. Also our home life with my husband and other children was very strained. We were just stressed. X and I agreed that our son was going to need some counseling, and most likely was dealing with depression maybe of some sort. He left our house in May and by June my world crashed. I got the call that some things at his dads had happened and without going into detail son was arrested and went to JVD, now almost a year later has a record that will follow him for the rest of his life. And now goes to court ordered counseling. For what ever reason (they need someone to blame) I have become the bad guy. 13 year old will hardly even speak to me, when he does come to visit he tries his best to steal whatever he can. (we check his bags before he leaves) He lies about anything and everything, and he's awful with his younger brother and sisters here. I hate to admit it but I get sick with worry before his visit.

    Now on to our 10 year old son. Last year he was back and forth to doctors. Stomach problems, head aches, weight loss. Needless to say doctors could only say stress. Once things around our house slowed down and we all fell into more of a routine he slowly got better. Now this summer our younger son was not overjoyed to go to his dads for half the summer. One reason he would miss out on actives, and being with friends. Matter a fact he was gone last week and missed belt promotion in karate. He has begged his dad to let him just do 2 weeks then come home for a few weeks and go back for 2 more weeks. His dad told him no he was tired of getting Jacked around (not his words, but it would be a lot of ****) our summer break is only 8 weeks this year. The 10 year old has called several times begging me to come get him, and it takes all I have not too. He's forced to call his step-mom Mom, they only refer to me as the monster,(yes i've heard this on the phone) They tell him I'm a bad mom cause I won't make him cut his hair short, and I let him where jeans with holes in them. They also insist that he has head lice just because he has long hair. His dad checks him every day and tells him first sign of a bug and he's shaving his head bald.

    It kills me knowing I have no choice but to send him there. I feel like I'm just feeding him to the wolves. I've done everything possible to communicate with the x. And I do my absolute best not to speak badly of the x or his wife. Even though it's not easy at times. I try to just tell myself it's silly and let it roll off my back.

    Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this? I've been thinking of going back to my lawyer and seeing if anything can be done. I feel our boys have been through enough and all the drama is just making it worse on them. I don't know I'm sorry I've rambled! I just needed to get it off my chest.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    424

    Default Re: Growing Problems With Children and Ex-Spouse

    I'd suggest getting your 10 year old into counseling to develop some coping skills for going to dad's. A court is going to 'see' that you thought dad was a good enough parent for the older child and not 'get' why you want to limit his visitation with the younger child.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
    Posts
    35,894

    Default Re: Growing Problems With Children and Ex-Spouse

    I'm going to try and give you what might be Dad's perspective on this.

    Eldest started having trouble when he lived with you - by the time he moved in with Dad, the damage had been done and kiddo got into legal trouble shortly thereafter with Dad feeling pretty helpless about the whole thing.

    Now, there's the younger so to worry about too - and it just might be that Dad feels you did a crappy job of parenting the eldest, and is cracking down and becoming much stricter with the youngest in order to prevent it from happening again.

    Can you see Dad's point of view here?

    I'm not personally judging you - trust trying to give a bit of insight into how the other parent might see things.

    PQN's post is very helpful, too.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    6

    Default Re: Growing Problems With Children and Ex-Spouse

    Well OK so I sent YS to his fathers against my better judgment. And well he came home after being gone a couple weeks with head lice, and he was barefoot when he got out of the car. Dad tells me, "you might wanna get his some shampoo I think he has dandruff!" And when I asked about his shoes they had moved while YS was staying and he had flip flops to wear there, but his sneakers that I bought must of gotten packed up and miss placed! And well since he bought the flip flops he wouldn't dare send them home with them!!!! SOOOOOO NOW What???? I really don't see where just sitting back and letting this go is really going to do the boy any good!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
    Posts
    35,894

    Default Re: Growing Problems With Children and Ex-Spouse

    I'm really not sure what you're trying to accomplish.

    Nothing you've said rises to the level where you'd be justified in going back to court.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    6

    Angry Re: Growing Problems With Children and Ex-Spouse

    Quote Quoting Dogmatique
    View Post
    I'm really not sure what you're trying to accomplish.

    Nothing you've said rises to the level where you'd be justified in going back to court.

    Oh you're right I'm sorry it is totally right to cuss, and call the other parent names in front of the children. How silly of me to get pissed when he sends our son home with head lice, and bare foot! I guess it was pretty awesome of him to do that so I could be up until 4 am last night picking out eggs, and bugs! Not to mention missing a days work to make sure clothes were rewashed, and in double checking that the bugs were all gone. (have any of your x's sent your kids back with bugs?)

    YES you are right I'll just sit back and let him do whatever he sees fit, after all he is entitled!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
    Posts
    35,894

    Default Re: Growing Problems With Children and Ex-Spouse

    Quote Quoting FullHouse
    View Post
    Oh you're right I'm sorry it is totally right to cuss, and call the other parent names in front of the children. How silly of me to get pissed when he sends our son home with head lice, and bare foot! I guess it was pretty awesome of him to do that so I could be up until 4 am last night picking out eggs, and bugs! Not to mention missing a days work to make sure clothes were rewashed, and in double checking that the bugs were all gone. (have any of your x's sent your kids back with bugs?)

    YES you are right I'll just sit back and let him do whatever he sees fit, after all he is entitled!

    Please don't take your frustration out on the very kind volunteers who spend their time here trying to help people.

    I'm sorry you didn't like reading the legally accurate truth.

    And really, lady - KIDS GET LICE.

    It happens.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    6

    Default Re: Growing Problems With Children and Ex-Spouse

    I'm aware of the fact that they get lice yes! But would you send your kid back with lice and NO shoes??


    I guess you would.


    I just asked a simple question my bad! Guess you only see things in one light. I'm aware of the legal, and that's why I sent my son there. Pardon me for having a mothers gut and having it proved right.


    But you're right I'll just let my kid get SH*t on by his father and overlook it from now on!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Somewhere near Canada
    Posts
    35,894

    Default Re: Growing Problems With Children and Ex-Spouse

    Do you really think the melodrama is necessary?

    Who said it was great parenting? Nobody has.

    But the standard of parenting is depressingly low in this country. Good luck to your kids.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    6

    Default Re: Growing Problems With Children and Ex-Spouse

    Ok I'll admit I veered off track a little here. I'll try to rain myself back in. Now on a serious note, trying to leave the drama at the door. My whole reason for coming here was to share my side and more less say, "is this normal?" "Do I have a reason to be concerned, or for lack of better word pissed off?"


    And how would you or anyone handle this matter? What should be done here?

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