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  1. #1
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    May 2011
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    Default Second Offense Domestic Violence

    My question involves criminal law for the state of: My boyfriend got arrested for domestic violence late thurs. night. A fight escalated he grabbed my pajamas while lying in bed and was very verbally abusive. I swong back to get him to let go and hit him in the nose not even looking back and just said leave me alone. he started chasing me around the house and was bleeding and my 18 yr old son got in the middle of things trying to get him to stop yelling and leave me alone. My question is he is very verbally abusive on occasion (I believe with all my heart he is bi-polar but cant get help. My son called the police they had been to my house once before and asked me to file charges then and I did not. So he gave me a form to do it this time so they would remove him from the house. He has been in jail with a 5k bond and has court on Thurs. He is the nicest man most of the time I want him to get help for his discorder not jail for 6 months. I dont know what to do. If I try and drop charge I am told the prosector will be angry at me and could find reason to charge me. My son and I have to be in court on Thurs. I am told it could go to the grand jury

  2. #2

    Default Re: Second Offense Domestic Violence

    Quote Quoting mia44028
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    My question is he is very verbally abusive on occasion (I believe with all my heart he is bi-polar but cant get help.
    Exactly what steps has HE willingly taken to seek such help? From whom did he seek the help? How long ago?


    He is the nicest man most of the time I want him to get help for his discorder not jail for 6 months.
    The criminal justice system is neither the mental health system nor a medical system. People are expected to address those sorts of problems on their own BEFORE their behaviors cross the line into criminal action, like domestic violence. Once that line has been crossed, the criminal justice system's primary concern is for the safety of the victim and other potential victims (aka society at large). In your case, there have apparently been prior violent incidents. If he didn't get the help he needed THEN, and now another violent incident has occurred, he (and you) can expect the criminal justice system to have the goal of keeping him at the very least away from you, and on a potential bigger scale, away from the rest of society, via incarceration. Certainly PART of any sentence MIGHT include mandatory counseling (which he'll have to pay for out of his own pocket), but if he hasn't figured out how to get that help already, BEFORE having to be arrested and ordered to do so, then frankly I wouldn't be holding my breath for some big turnaround even IF the court orders such counseling and he actually attends. In other words, it's not the job of the criminal justice system to get him "help". It's not even your job to get him help. It's HIS job to get HIMSELF help.

    If I try and drop charge I am told the prosector will be angry at me and could find reason to charge me.
    You have every right to request to drop charges. But the reality is that if the state is happy with the level of evidence they have, they can go ahead with the case anyway. Unless the prosecution has some evidence or strong reason to believe that you willfully filed a false police report, charges against YOU are unlikely. However, since there have apparently been multiple incidents over time, the prosecution is much more likely to want to pursue the case while it's still a domestic violence issue rather than wait until it's an attempted or completed homicide. Sure, the prosecutor might be irked to learn that you want to drop the case, but since about 90% of victims do the same thing, they're used to letting it roll off their shoulders without much thought, so any irritation will really be minimal and short lived.

    I am told it could go to the grand jury
    Then that means that the state plans on pursuing the matter as a felony; which is punishable by numbers of years in state prison (depending on what exact statutes they charge him under). He needs to be working with a local criminal defense attorney ASAP.

  3. #3
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    May 2011
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    Default Re: Second Offense Domestic Violence

    Well he does not have insurance. He had to go to the hospital for his depression and alcohol use and they promised the state would help him and that he would also get checked for what we think is the bi-polar disorder and at the time he was severly intoxicated but cried saying he wanted help. He was suppose to be in there 3 days manditory and the next morning they released him saying the state said he is not a threat to himself. Then I got him enroled into a clinical study and he did 6 hours of testing and they said he was a perfect fit. He went to pick up his meds and they said he was no longer eligible because he had been in the hospital for alcohol. He had been trying to fix his life I feel terrible over this but when he gets that way he does not stop he will verbally abuse me for hours and then the next day it is like it never happened and he loves me more than anything. I just wanted to get some kind of help and my son couldnt take it anymore he called the police.

  4. #4
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    Apr 2009
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    Default Re: Second Offense Domestic Violence

    You also need to be in counseling, mia. You have the absolute right to NOT be abused, be it verbally or physically.

    A man who truly loves his mate will never, ever resort to abuse.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Second Offense Domestic Violence

    Quote Quoting mia44028
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    he loves me more than anything
    EXCEPT alcohol, and alcohol dependency is one of the absolute hardest addictions to combat. It's not something that can be loved away, even with the best intentions. Over the long term, people have higher success rates getting off heroin than alcohol.

    Doggie is right, counseling is in order. Not just for him, but for you AND your son. Alcohol abuse impacts the entire family - but the only person whose behavior YOU can control is your own. Try your local Al-Anon; they can help you understand the dynamics of problem drinking and offer support including realistic assessments of the situation. (www.al-anon.org).


    I just wanted to get some kind of help and my son couldnt take it anymore he called the police.
    Just as a side note, some two thirds of children (even adult ones) injured or killed in domestic violence cases are sons trying to protect their mothers.

  6. #6
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    Oct 2010
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    Default Re: Second Offense Domestic Violence

    Quote Quoting mia44028
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    Well he does not have insurance. He had to go to the hospital for his depression and alcohol use and they promised the state would help him and that he would also get checked for what we think is the bi-polar disorder and at the time he was severly intoxicated but cried saying he wanted help. He was suppose to be in there 3 days manditory and the next morning they released him saying the state said he is not a threat to himself. Then I got him enroled into a clinical study and he did 6 hours of testing and they said he was a perfect fit. He went to pick up his meds and they said he was no longer eligible because he had been in the hospital for alcohol. He had been trying to fix his life I feel terrible over this but when he gets that way he does not stop he will verbally abuse me for hours and then the next day it is like it never happened and he loves me more than anything. I just wanted to get some kind of help and my son couldnt take it anymore he called the police.
    Your post really struck a chord with me. It always strikes me how so many posts sound like they could have one author, rather than many different authors over a span of time. In other words, your thoughts on paper sound so much like my own several years ago.

    For that reason, with the benefit of hindsight, I want to caution you that your dream, the dream that treating the bipolar disease and alcohol addiction might eradicate the abusive parts of your boyfriend, is a very elusive dream. I too loved a man who was bipolar, had a temper when he drank and who was sometimes abusive. I remember telling a detective (after he was arrested) that my husband was wonderful 95% of the time. I meant it. I still love and miss some of those parts of him, even though we have been apart for nearly 18 months. I truly empathize with your frustration of wanting to keep the good and just get rid of the bad. I thought for such a long time that if I could fix the 5%, everything would be OK and I would have the wonderful part of him all the time.

    It took a long time for me to understand, and it took counseling for me to accept, that my husband’s being bipolar didn't make him abusive. It made it scarier, but it wasn't the cause. The abusive traits he learned in his childhood, and which he so abhorred in his father, were (are) deeply engrained in him and completely separate from a chemical imbalance. I had to come to grips that a relationship that is only overtly abusive 5% of the time still involves 18 very bad days a year. Fixing the one (bipolar/alcoholism) does nothing to fix the other (abuse).

    So, I really caution you about placing too much hope that treating the alcoholism and bipolar will stop the abuse. Because, in the end, you might have a mentally healthy, sober yet still abusive boyfriend. I wish the best for you and your boyfriend, but hope that your future and his future are on separate paths. If you haven’t checked out AARDVARC’s website already, you should do so. It is worth the time.

    Good luck.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2011
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    3

    Default Re: Second Offense Domestic Violence

    He got out yesterday. My son and I had to go to fill out a statement with the Advocate and the State said he has to go to the Grand Jury in 6 to 8 weeks. They consider the case for Domestic Violence weak from what I understand cause he did not beat anyone up. He has a no contact order but yet everything he owns including his car and phone are at my house so not sure what will happen or how long it will take for him to need his things.

    Thank you for all of your advise it is very much appreciated still very nervous for the next court date.

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