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  1. #1

    Default Divorce, Support and Affair?

    Hi,

    I live in wayne county, MI. I recently found out that my husband is in love with someone else and is going to divorce me. He says our marriage was over before he met her and he called a lawyer to get information. Last year he did file but we worked things out and I thought everything was great between us. Well I guess it wasn't. So heres my question. Would I have a case if I didn't have physical proof of the affair? I have a few emails from them that are short but they do say they love eachother in them. I have one email that says she's can't wait until friday. He says that it was instant messaging not a meeting. I can not trust what he says. He's convinced everyone that she is just a friend at this point. He flat out told me he loves her and plans on being with her. I do have a month of cell phone records and they have talked everyday since they met for hours. We went to a lawyer together and the lawyer said that its ok for him to have this relationship b/c in michigan its hard to prove it. I can not find any case law on that. On a seperate note we are truly trying to work things out for our children. We agreed that we would share joint custody and he would let me have them more often than not outside of our court order. He's agreed to give me 1,300 of his 3,900 monthly income but thats all. He won't give up any of his pension or IRA's. He said he will not pay allimony b/c he has taken care of me financially for the past 6 years and he won't anymore. I feel that is too little and he said if I ask for more that he would fight for full custody. I'm not too sure what to do. He knows how to fight dirty and say he would throw my disability and mental issues (depression) I had in the past into getting full custody. He also said he would try to prove me unfit b/c the kids seen me shove him with a barstool when he said to me that I was not good in bed. Other than that they over heard me once talking about the affair. We now make sure that we are out of the house or the kids are asleep when we talk. There is no argueing in front of them. I can not afford an lawyer b/c i'm on disability for MS right now. Also I don't know if it would be in my best interest to get a job and give up the disability to prove I can financially care for the children. I have been a stay at home for the past 6 years. As it stands right now he has a lawyer that will only represent him not both of us but he will put whatever we agree to in the divorce documents. I really don't feel comfortable without having a lawyer but I don't know where I'll come up with the money to afford one either. Should I just accept what he's offering or risk loosing it all? I'm really unsure what to do I just don't want to get short changed in all of this while he moves on and has a great life with someone else. Sorry for the long post.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
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    Behind a Desk
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    98,846

    Default Re: Divorce, Support and Affair?

    Quote Quoting broken heart
    So heres my question. Would I have a case if I didn't have physical proof of the affair?
    Michigan's a "no fault" state for divorce, so the affair only matters in relation to the division of marital property, and even then only to the extent that you go to trial instead of settling. And even then, in a troubled marriage, it's not likely to make much difference in the split.

    Quote Quoting broken heart
    We went to a lawyer together and the lawyer said that its ok for him to have this relationship b/c in michigan its hard to prove it.
    His lawyer says it's okay for him to sleep around, because it's hard to prove? Sheesh....

    Quote Quoting broken heart
    On a seperate note we are truly trying to work things out for our children. We agreed that we would share joint custody and he would let me have them more often than not outside of our court order. He's agreed to give me 1,300 of his 3,900 monthly income but thats all. He won't give up any of his pension or IRA's.
    I assume his lawyer didn't tell you this, but he has no choice in the matter if you push things - as a matter of law you're entitled to a share of his retirement benefits which accrued during the marriage. Child support is determined by formula. The fact that he provided support during the marriage is irrelevant to his obligation to pay spousal support after a divorce.

    Quote Quoting broken heart
    I feel that is too little and he said if I ask for more that he would fight for full custody. I'm not too sure what to do. He knows how to fight dirty and say he would throw my disability and mental issues (depression) I had in the past into getting full custody. He also said he would try to prove me unfit b/c the kids seen me shove him with a barstool when he said to me that I was not good in bed. Other than that they over heard me once talking about the affair.
    So he's threatening you with a custody challenge if you assert your financial rights? Nice.

    Quote Quoting broken heart
    I can not afford an lawyer b/c i'm on disability for MS right now.
    Three options come to mind:
    • Legal Aid (look here and here);
    • Having a court ask that he be ordered to advance legal fees to you, to be repaid from the eventual settlement or judgment; or
    • Find a lawyer willing to be paid out of the eventual settlement or judgment.

    Quote Quoting broken heart
    Also I don't know if it would be in my best interest to get a job and give up the disability to prove I can financially care for the children.
    If you have MS, even if you are in a stable period or temporary remission, it's a degenerative disease. (I don't need to tell you that.) Which means that you may well find yourself unable to work, even if at present you feel capable of holding a job. You should look into the work incentive programs such that if you feel capable of working (and qualify) you can do so without putting your benefits in jeopardy.

    Quote Quoting broken heart
    I have been a stay at home for the past 6 years.
    Which should help you considerably in any custody dispute. (And presumably you're still a stay-at-home mom, which makes it harder for him to argue that you're unfit as he is fully aware of the facts he threatens to allege and is still happy with that arrangement.)

    Quote Quoting broken heart
    As it stands right now he has a lawyer that will only represent him not both of us but he will put whatever we agree to in the divorce documents.
    But, as he's representing your husband, he'll likely help engineer a settlement that is not in your favor, as evidenced by his failure to tell you of your entitlement to a share of your husband's retirement benefits and savings.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Practicing in Los Angeles, California
    Posts
    411

    Default Re: Divorce, Support and Affair?

    Quote Quoting broken heart
    Hi,

    I live in wayne county, MI. I recently found out that my husband is in love with someone else and is going to divorce me. He says our marriage was over before he met her and he called a lawyer to get information. Last year he did file but we worked things out and I thought everything was great between us. Well I guess it wasn't. So heres my question. Would I have a case if I didn't have physical proof of the affair? I have a few emails from them that are short but they do say they love eachother in them. I have one email that says she's can't wait until friday. He says that it was instant messaging not a meeting. I can not trust what he says. He's convinced everyone that she is just a friend at this point. He flat out told me he loves her and plans on being with her. I do have a month of cell phone records and they have talked everyday since they met for hours. We went to a lawyer together and the lawyer said that its ok for him to have this relationship b/c in michigan its hard to prove it. I can not find any case law on that. On a seperate note we are truly trying to work things out for our children. We agreed that we would share joint custody and he would let me have them more often than not outside of our court order. He's agreed to give me 1,300 of his 3,900 monthly income but thats all. He won't give up any of his pension or IRA's. He said he will not pay allimony b/c he has taken care of me financially for the past 6 years and he won't anymore. I feel that is too little and he said if I ask for more that he would fight for full custody. I'm not too sure what to do. He knows how to fight dirty and say he would throw my disability and mental issues (depression) I had in the past into getting full custody. He also said he would try to prove me unfit b/c the kids seen me shove him with a barstool when he said to me that I was not good in bed. Other than that they over heard me once talking about the affair. We now make sure that we are out of the house or the kids are asleep when we talk. There is no argueing in front of them. I can not afford an lawyer b/c i'm on disability for MS right now. Also I don't know if it would be in my best interest to get a job and give up the disability to prove I can financially care for the children. I have been a stay at home for the past 6 years. As it stands right now he has a lawyer that will only represent him not both of us but he will put whatever we agree to in the divorce documents. I really don't feel comfortable without having a lawyer but I don't know where I'll come up with the money to afford one either. Should I just accept what he's offering or risk loosing it all? I'm really unsure what to do I just don't want to get short changed in all of this while he moves on and has a great life with someone else. Sorry for the long post.

    My response:

    Under the law, you have what is termed as a "short term marriage." Your chances of any alimony (spousal support) are slim and none. You may obtain a small lump sum; e.g., $1,000 for each year of marriage, plus the offer of $1,300.00 monthly (which is generous considering the short length of your marriage) plus shared custody of the children.

    My advice? Take the money and run.

    IAAL

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    984

    Default Re: Divorce, Support and Affair?

    Quote Quoting IAAL
    My response:

    Under the law, you have what is termed as a "short term marriage." Your chances of any alimony (spousal support) are slim and none. You may obtain a small lump sum; e.g., $1,000 for each year of marriage, plus the offer of $1,300.00 monthly (which is generous considering the short length of your marriage) plus shared custody of the children.

    My advice? Take the money and run.

    IAAL
    IAAL, read it again, $1300 is not for spousal support, nor was he planning on her share of IRA's or pension and 6 years is the length of time she has not been employed due to her disability. We don't know how long they have been married, when she was Dx with MS, how many children and how many born after her Dx with MS which exacerbates MA, she may very well be entitled to spousal support and medical coverage. She definately needs her own attorney and to be sure to apply for social security disability if she doesn't already have it, if she qualifies for it, she might not sue to the length of time she has not worked.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Practicing in Los Angeles, California
    Posts
    411

    Default Re: Divorce, Support and Affair?

    Quote Quoting rmet4nzkx
    IAAL, read it again, $1300 is not for spousal support, nor was he planning on her share of IRA's or pension and 6 years is the length of time she has not been employed due to her disability. We don't know how long they have been married, when she was Dx with MS, how many children and how many born after her Dx with MS which exacerbates MA, she may very well be entitled to spousal support and medical coverage. She definately needs her own attorney and to be sure to apply for social security disability if she doesn't already have it, if she qualifies for it, she might not sue to the length of time she has not worked.
    My dear Rmet:

    I based my response on the following two statements:

    • "b/c he has taken care of me financially for the past 6 years and he won't anymore."

    and

    • "I have been a stay at home for the past 6 years."


    . . . both are indications of a "short term marriage" e.g., something less than 10 years.

    Also, she mentioned that:

    • "He's agreed to give me 1,300 of his 3,900 monthly income"


    . . . which is an indicator of "spousal support" - - for an indeterminate period of time.

    So, until she comes back to clarify what she means, I stand by my response.

    IAAL

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    28,906

    Default Re: Divorce, Support and Affair?

    A stay-at-home spouse, medically disabled, with multiple small children? I personally would think there is a good chance of rehabilitative spousal support, and a possibility of permanent spousal support. Call me an optimist if you will.

    Would I advise somebody to waive spousal support, waive her right to her share of her husband's retirement accounts, and to stipulate to a child support figure without checking the Michigan child support formula? Quite the opposite.

    I would encourage Ms. Heart to consult her own lawyer. In Wayne County it can be difficult to get help directly from Wayne County Legal Services, as they have too many cases and put a priority on domestic violence cases, but it's worth trying and (as the links above demonstrate) there are other sources of affordable legal help available.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    984

    Default Re: Divorce, Support and Affair?

    Quote Quoting IAAL
    My dear Rmet:

    I based my response on the following two statements:

    • "b/c he has taken care of me financially for the past 6 years and he won't anymore."

    and

    • "I have been a stay at home for the past 6 years."


    . . . both are indications of a "short term marriage" e.g., something less than 10 years.

    Also, she mentioned that:

    • "He's agreed to give me 1,300 of his 3,900 monthly income"


    . . . which is an indicator of "spousal support" - - for an indeterminate period of time.

    So, until she comes back to clarify what she means, I stand by my response.

    IAAL
    My Dear IAAL,
    You omitted the portion of her post indicating that it was not spousal support and that he would file for ful custody if she wanted more.
    He's agreed to give me 1,300 of his 3,900 monthly income but thats all. He won't give up any of his pension or IRA's. He said he will not pay allimony b/c he has taken care of me financially for the past 6 years and he won't anymore. I feel that is too little and he said if I ask for more that he would fight for full custody.
    She never states how long they have been married and the issue or her MS complicates matters. She definately needs her own attorney.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Practicing in Los Angeles, California
    Posts
    411

    Default Re: Divorce, Support and Affair?

    Quote Quoting rmet4nzkx
    My Dear IAAL,
    You omitted the portion of her post indicating that it was not spousal support and that he would file for ful custody if she wanted more.
    She never states how long they have been married and the issue or her MS complicates matters. She definately needs her own attorney.

    Dearest Rmet:

    No, I didn't omit or forget anything; and, due to her phrasing, I stand by my response. Until our writer comes back to clarify certain statements and facts, I have no other choice than to believe it would be a continuing monthly payment, rather than a single payment.

    I realize she never came out with the phrase, "I have been married for XX years." However, and for all we know, he married her 6 years ago with MS - - which was the reason for my response, above.

    IAAL

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